Balmoral Castle, Scotland - A crack team from the Special Astrological Service in charge of stars' and celebs' security is behind the move amid unprecedented planetary alignments. These show a celestial Grand Cross forming in the zodiac's cardinal...
New York - A stargazer-to-the-stars is warning of a deceptive line-up in the heavens this week as thousands of Americans flock to London to support the US Olympic team. Holly Grail, whose hunches include the 2005 discovery of the long-lost Leonard...
London - A cosmic tsunami is being predicted as Uranus, celestial body of sudden eruptions, turns retrograde this Friday. Nicknamed the zodiac's Great Awakener the planet currently straddles part of the Aries constellation traditionally associated...
Surrey - Bottom-of-the barrel non-entities and other wannabes are arriving in droves at the Hollywood couple's rented pad this weekend located in the Premiership footballers' adultery haven near Oxshott. The ten bedroom mock-Tudorbethan pile in th...
London - It's straddling the High Horse Nebula that first crossed Prince William's descendant when Diana demanded £100 million for an 'amicable' divorce split. The terribly rare, tragedy-tinged aspect now pops up this Tuesday as William readies t...
London - A new white van launched by General Motors has been named after an rare astrological aspect dominating the skies this week. The Ford Transit of Venus comes customised with a tiger-skin couch, blow-up waterbed, strobe lights, lava lamps an...
London - Holed up in a grotty geriatric ward at London's King Edward Potatoes Clinic for Past-it Duffers the Duke of Edinburgh had a terrifying vision last night. Apparently someone told him that a once-in-a-lifetime Sun-Venus conjunction on Tuesd...
Indonesia - The Pacific Ring of Fire was shaken by a 6.1 tremor today just as the eclipsed Sagittarius full moon's shadow path crossed the equator. "The area is notorious for over-reacting to astrological phenomena," a spokesperson for the World G...
London - The eclipsed Sagittarius Full Moon promises to drive people bonkers with a compulsory extra day's holiday and other Government bollox. Astrologers call it the Strawberry Fool Moon on account of supermarket scams to make shoppers cough up...
London - A karmic tempest is on the cards as the nation's soothsaying industries unite in their Diamond Jubilee predictions. Their warnings for Sunday describe a horrible foreskin - er...foretaste! - of Hurricane Beryl, a topical [sic] storm curre...
Bologna - The first of the eclipsed Gemini new moon tremors has flattened much of a Northern Italian town 35km north of Bologna. The 6-magnitude quake struck this morning in the Emilia Romagna district notorious for attracting spent lunar forces.
London - "It's bound to rattle the NewsCorpse Fragrant Redhead Garden," a whorticultural society groundsman said this morning as news of the weekend forecast broke. "There's only so much washed out mugwort, poison ivy and wormwood the Show can ta...
London - The planet of love and luck stands motionless on Tuesday, shagged out in Gemini, sign of the twins. Its stationary transit sees the ex-NewsCorpse diva face the cold steel of handcuffs as CPS lawyers decide if she's perverted, er, the cour...
Windsor - Sunday's Sun/Jupiter conjunction at 23 degrees Taurus is scaring the socks off the nation's Usurper Queen. The Russian-born niece of Joseph Stalin is in a terminal face-off with Our Lady of Fatima who first warned the world about Elizabe...
London - Just one small fracking-related tremor could push the UK's volatile flood waters into tsunami mode No 10 Drowning Street warned today. Sunday's powerful Scorpio fool moon reacting badly with underground methane deposits is all it would ta...
Cyberspace/Nottingham - In a moving ceremony at 4.34am this morning on the banks of the Trent, tired and emotional Spoof writer Inchcock was inducted into the official Spoof Roll of Honor after becoming the first spoofer to officially write over 500 fake diaries. The 500th diary was published on Thursday when 'Willie' Hague described a tender moment with his personal assistant Julian. Other cel...
Bank of America, in partnership with Astrology.web, recently announced its latest initiative: the Automatic Fortune Teller Machine, which combines modern-day financial technology with age-old astrological principles. Millions of AFTMs will become ava...
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