The nation's food fans all gasped in amazement
There were queues for miles all along the pavement
The day that the feted celebrity chefs
Met a fate at the fete that was much worse than death
Although the sous chefs were usually expedient
They had miscalculated, run out of ingredients
And so as not to inconvenience the fans
It was decided to fill all the woks and the pans
Local housewives were left flustered last night thanks to schoolboys and their enthusiasm for Halloween larks.
Answering the door to suspected trick-or-treaters the women were, in stead, surprised to be regaled with romantic poetry.
"It all sta...
All is the way it should be!
In the heart of every West Virginian is a storyteller. Our most famous spinner of yarns was the incomparable Pearl S. Buck. And while I'm no Pearl Buck; I do spin yarns. In my heart, dear readers, lives a poet. Unfortunately for you folks, that verser is a failed poet.
My haiku is astoundingly bad. My free verse should be chained and hidden in a forgotten...
APACHE DUNGHEAP, Oklahoma (ABSNN) - Miley Cyrus backed out of negotiations to play the infamous Bonnie Parker in the upcoming Lifetime Network miniseries Bonnie & Clyde.
English actress Emma Watson has signed to replace Cyrus.
The Turner Prize by Rob Barratt
No Turners at the Turner
Just Tracey bloody Emin
No masterful masterpieces
Just masturbating women
No salty simmering seascapes
No homebound fishing trawler
Just the naked fore and aft
Of an amateurish scrawler
No mystical mist across the Thames
No spiralling seabirds
Just languid linear bodies
Described by misspelt words
For me she puts artisti...
The U.S. Senators gathered for today's floor debate unexpectedly and unintentionally broke out into verse in the middle of their proceedings. The following is the official Congressional transcript of what occurred.
PROCEEDINGS AND DEBATES OF THE 112TH CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION
WASHINGTON, THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 2012
The Senate met at 10...
Another selection from the fruitful harvest of Lear's Dorking years
A deluded young vicar of Dorking
Put a hen on his arm to go hawking.
Though he hawked day and night,
The prey simply took fright
At the hen's dreadful flapping and squawking.
A Mole Valley farmer one day
Resolved he would live upon hay,
So he sat on a cow
And repeated his vow,
Saying 'here with the catt...
My furniture is all distressed
It's unusually unstable
The oak bookcase is quite depressed
As is the coffee table
The worktop has a thin veneer
It seethes beneath the surface
The taps know how low they can sink
And think life has no purpose
The painted window frame's been stripped...
Of dignity. It's lacquered
The blue front door's morale has dipped
The cheese board is cream-cracker...
Great Yarmouth poet Ann Thology has just published yet another collection of verbose poetry.
Entitled "More Gushing", all the poems involve the central theme of overflowing phrases. Ann Thology's poetry is fully enriched with emotional outpouring...
An Ode About a Certain Malevolent Condition that has Acquired a Pathogenicity that Threatens Mankind Across the Globe as It affects the Bowels of Those Who are Afflicted with its Curse
Presented in Its Entirety by the Poet Laureate on the Mundane, the Preposterous, and the Absurd: Sir Hondo Thwaite, Esq. to His Most Excellent, Gracious Majesty, Dionysius XII, as He Recovers from a Facial Bligh...
"Who is the best Minister in my government?" said Cameron, "who's also a multi-millionaire?......"
"Me me!" shouted Willy Hague, waving his brassiere in the air,
"And I'm also bendable, and a billionaire!"
Nick Clegg raised his hand, "Me, and even as your lackey I'm still debonair!"
"But in case I'm not right, I'll set up a questionnaire!"
George Osborne lied again, saying he was cleve...
You've played your last eighteen.
Strolled your last green.
If there is a golf course in heaven.
Will you use the number seven.
By Arnold Mitercrump. Florida
Osama Bin Laden:
You ugly bearded bastard.
Copt it from the Yanks.
Did you hear the missile.
Before it hit you on the head.
By Col. Percy Pummel. Saffron Waldon
You were a highly studied actor.
your films were very good.
I wish you had won an oscar.
Your photo is on my Nans shelf.
By Oswald Gentry. Glasgow
Patriarch Alexy 11:
You gave some nice sermons.
People listened when you spoke.
Now that you are in heaven.
Do you still have the long coat?
By Yuri Barbetov. Moscow
Joan Of Arc:
As a young girl.
You have smoked your last cigar Jimmy.
It's time to leave the disco floor.
The marathon ends in heaven.
You won't have to knock on the door.
By Mrs Futtle Ferang. Hampshire
You have cooked your last hotpot Betty.
It is time to leave the pub.
No more pints to pull.
Jesus is waiting for you.
He has kept you your own bar stool.
By Mr Fred Futtle.
This ode about MPs might just make you affright,
In fiddling, lying, and nepotism they delight,
MPs consume Caviar and not toast and Marmite,
Their cons and excuses for fiddling are so erudite,
They vary in loyalties and actions, from Thatcherite,
Communist, Tree-huggers, Luddite's, and the odd Jacobite,
Even the odd honest one, playwright or transvestite,
They steal and fiddl...
Language is in a constant state of flux
What was common 500 years ago will now get you some funny looks
This has been the subject of a great many books
Discussing how they made a verb out of a word like ducks
But for these tomes, they'll charge you fifty bucks
And this piece is free, but not as comprehensive
We can use words to shine light into tiny nooks
And scare away some metaphorical...
This is self-explanatory!
My Futile Search
I'm told there is talent in our political system
But I've looked pretty hard and it seems that I've missed 'em
I took myself off through the corridors of power
It made me depressed and got worse by the hour
'Cos all of the members to whom I was presented
Acted like kids or were clearly demented
The place was just full of these crushing old bor...
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