Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic week or so and please excuse the wet smudges on this newsletter as I admit to feeling unusually sad at the moment. Living disguised as eighty-six year old Ada Marples in Grey Gables Old Person's Home has had a profound, emotional effect on me and I am beginning to question the value of continuing as your elected member. Would I be better working...
Dear Constituents I have had a most relaxing few days. This is not what I expected after I moved into Grey Gables Old Persons' Home two days ago, but the service has been excellent. On the other hand, I suppose, I was fortunate in that my residence here was temporary and voluntary. Unlike the other long term residents I had not really been abandoned by my family to live amongst health a...
Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic few days and must apologise for the lack of Newsletters. This is partly because my visit to Greece (the Faliraki Economic Conference) took several days longer than expected, as you may have discovered by reading last week's copy of the Krupton News and other rags. I just wish I had been given the opportunity to explain things in more detail before they...
Monday 21st May 2012 Topic: Crime - Appeal - Robbery Headline "Police seek robbery attempt witnesses" Source: Nottingham Police Site Extract: Police are appealing for witnesses after an attempted robbery at a post office in Bestwood Park. It happened at Elmbridge Post Office, in Beckhampton Road, at about 9.45am yesterday (Wednesday 22 August). A man entered the premises, demanded cash,...
Dear Constituents I have had a very busy week and it's all because I launched Kelpileaks. The KelpiLeaks "Bullshit and Disinformation File" is clearly the most popular section and I already have such a fast growing network of volunteers feeding in 5 Star Bullshit that I was thinking of recalling Anthea (my PA) from her holiday in Faliraki (which is somewhere in Greece) to deal with the respo...
Dear Constituents I have had a very busy week trying to find reasons not to stay in the house. This is partly due to trying to avoid my wife who is constantly asking when we intend to go and visit her mother in Macclesfield. Apparently (quote): "September is nearly on us, autumn is around the corner, the schools will be going back, half term will soon be upon us, Guy Fawkes night is waitin...
Monday 13th Aug Topic: Politics - Holidays Headline "Cameron, Clegg and Miliband head off on post-Olympics holidays" Source: BBC News Extract: David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband are heading off on holiday, in a post-Olympics political exodus. Both Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg are reportedly travelling to Spain for their break - where the Lib Dem leader will be visiting his wife's family.
Dear Constituents I have had a very busy week and should really take a break away from the pressure of constituency work. But duty calls and, anyway, my wife thinks we should visit her mother in Macclesfield. My impending visit to Greece in time for their next bailout or complete exit from the Euro sounds like my best chance for fun before Parliament re-opens. By the way, explaining whe...
Monday 6th Aug Topic: Headline "29 councils axe pest control" Source: The Sun Extract: Twenty-nine pest control departments across the UK have closed in two years. And society's most vulnerable - families who cannot afford to pay private firms to control vermin - are most in danger. The British Pest Control Association warned that illnesses such as Weil's Disease could increasingly be s...
Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic week and am now way behind with my Newsletters. This is because I have been focussing hard on my training for the 2016 Olympic Games. I reckon four years should be enough for me to qualify for Team GB although we first need to get my sport recognised by the IOC. As a sport, donkey dressage, donkey cross-country and donkey show jumping is not as r...
Monday 30th July 2012 Topic: Benefits Headline: Source: The Sun Extract: 900,000 Brits have been on the sick for more than ten years - with hundreds claiming cash for obesity, headaches and even ACNE. And there are virtually no checks to see whether the 885,100 people who have received incapacity benefit for a decade still need it. The figure includes 22,640 alcoholics and drug...
Dear Constituents I have had such a hectic week and am now well behind with my newsletters. You might have thought I had already forgotten about you what with the summer recess and the sun shining but this is far from the truth. The sun will continue to shine ever brightly through my regular Newsletter. I'm off to Greece in a week or so, on a fact-finding visit. It's also so that I can...
Treasury minister David Gauke has said it is "Morally Wrong" to pay tradesmen such as plumbers, builders and cleaners in cash in the hope of avoiding tax. He argued the practice came at "a big cost" to the Treasury and meant other people had to pa...
Dear Constituents Sorry about the few spelling mistakes in my last Newsletter but I was very upset. I am much better now, thank you, and have received several emails of support during this very difficult time - many of them offering sympathy and advice on how to cope with George's passing. Reverend Jacobs asked that I call in at his church next Sunday for guidance and strength. I sai...
Dear Constituents I have had a hectic but very depressing few days that has left me questioning my policy towards a certain subject that I normally try not to contemplate - death. I'm sorry to sound morbid first thing on a morning but I need to share some most private thoughts with you so please don't forward this email without my permission. I wouldn't want any old Tom, Dick or Harry thinki...
Dear Constituents That was a hectic weekend. Sorry for the late post but my server was down. There was only one notable weekend success worth reporting and it will do little for my re-election chances, but I photo might appear in the Krupton News. I won the Three Legged Race at Saturday afternoon's Church Fete. Technically, I suppose, it was a partnership of two but the win will clea...
Monday 9th July 2012 Topic: Traffic chaos, Wardens reinstated "Parking wardens' comeback in Aberystwyth" Source: The Sun Extract: The free-for-all in Aberystwyth, Wales, has caused chaos and forced council bosses to do a U-turn. A seven-strong team will now start ticketing again on bank holiday Monday. The change of heart came after the town laid off its last traffic warden in Ju...
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