The small, leafy hamlet of Aspergers Velodrome was rocked this weekend, when a local builder finished a single-storey extension on time. Mary Butternut, who commissioned the work, was left reeling when she was unable to complain on Facebook about…
Tracy Brassingthwaite, the landlady of the popular Mithering on the Pub The Wet Sprocket has seen a roaring trade in her special Valentine's night event. 'I over-ordered scampi last week' said Tracy 'so I thought as it is Valentine's Night tonight…
Although a lot is probably happening in Emmerdale at the moment, couple Gary and Lorraine Johnson seem to be spending more time thinking about an extra who has been seen in the Woolpack and in the cafe more than they have thought about the latest lon…
A man who has not been to a live concert since Cliff Richard turned 70, says that he is shocked that of all of the people appearing at the Brit Awards last night, he didn't recognise anyone. 'Time was' said Brian Asshat 'that I would know either R…
Long married couple Gary and Lorraine Johnson are looking for a very cheap night out on Valentine's day. 'It seems that Valentine's day is getting more and more expensive' said Gary 'Lorraine and myself just want a quite night out that won't cost…
Although all of their friends, and quite a few of their enemies have told happy couple Lorraine and Gary Johnson to watch Happy Valley, they are not really that sad that they haven't. 'Yes' said Lorraine 'A few people have told us that we really s…
A poetry performance at the Wet Sprocket pub in Mithering on the Trent only had three audience members, two of which were there to escape the rain. The Mithering Poets, all of whom should know better performed in the pub for 2 hours (including an…
Although he has watched Groundhog Day countless times, film fan Gavin Williamson wishes it had a different ending. 'I always felt that it was a film about something we all fear, being trapped in a never-ending time-loop with Andie MacDowell, but e…
Although he planned to get his novel Paperclips finished by the end of the year, aspiring novelist Gary Johnson is only on the third paragraph of it and feels that he should get a move on, now that it is February. 'I don't know where January went'…
Man about town Gavin Williamson was told not to worry about something quite trivial and wasn't planning to worry about it at all, he revealed. Although not a bullying charisma-free zone like his political name-sake Gavin is not clearly one for tri…
A man was seen reading a book in a public space. The book appeared to be made of paper and was very large. Some thought it was a strange brick, others assumed it was a weapon, still others thought the man was being punished for some reason. “Who w…
Recently sacked multi-millionaire Shane Worthington wonders what he will do next. 'I am down to my last three hundred million' bewailed the 47-year-old son of very rich parents. 'I lost my job for doing something I shouldn't have and then threaten…
Teenager Thomas Johnson has bought all of the Valentine's cards from Chutney on The Fritz's Post Office, the only place in the village that sells them so that for a change the town's least eligible bachelor Brian Asshat won't be able to. 'I though…
Middle-aged couple Lorraine and Gary Johnson are excited about the start of another series of detective dramas. 'Yes, we watched it last week and were disappointed to see that it was the last episode of series 10' said Gary. 'But series 11 star…
Fathers Shane Worthington, and Gary Johnson and single friend Martin Kipper spent some of their evening in The Ferret's Indecision in Chutney on the Fritz discussing the myriad charms of Children's television In The Night Garden. 'Do you remember…
Northern Pub The Ferret's Indecision is actually proud to be selling Pepsi, instead of apologizing for it like every other pub. Tracey Brassingthwaite said 'Our regulars know that we have never sold Coca-Cola here, even Snotty Bob knows that, so n…
Hello, many new year felicitations, and congratulations on having the good fortune to be able to enjoy my little guide to life. In case you hadn't worked it out, Mr Ray Ving here, 80 years old and still as bright, shiny and painful as a newly made…
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