Dear Sir, I live in the countryside (I hope to move into a house soon) and I feel I must put pen to paper (not that I have a pen, or any paper, but you must humour my whim I fear). Now I am lost for words. It's all the brackets. That's what stymied me with the algh, the aljibrae, the algiebrar, the maths at school. I got bewildered by brackets. I always reckoned when I wrote my arto, orto, a...
Dear SK, Regarding you request to avoid jam jars being thrown at you by your wife, perhaps you could reflect and ask yourself whether you deserved it not or not. Six years I was woken up at 645am by a lamp being smashed over my head by my girlfriend. I really saw stars but I did deserve it because I texted a previous girlfriend about getting back together and the previous girlfriend forward...
Dear Sir, I got so fucking angry about all these phone calls what I get all day long from bastards trying to sell me all kinds of cunting crap that I took a stanley knife out of my drawer and hacked off the cord from my handset to the socket. Now no cunt can ring me at all. Seen as how the only calls I ever got were from twats in Calcutta or Milton Keynes wanting me to claim back fucking Paymen...
LIVERPOOL FC Dear Editor, I'm not usually one to tell people to 'f*ck off' but I feel that it's necessary to tell all the non-Scousers who support Liverpool Football Club to 'f*ck off.' It may well be that I've grasped the wrong end of the stick here, so I don't object to Liverpool supporters gobbing off, providing they're proper Scousers. I can't be doing with Australian Scousers, or New Je...
DIGGING Dear Editor, I know people talk all the time about how dull us elderly folk are, and about how we're forever harping on about the good old days, but I make no excuses for calling for the reintroduction of rationing. It never did us any harm, during or after the war, and you didn't see fat kids lolloping about back then. I genuinely believe that youngsters today would be far healthier...
Dear Sir, I am a reader of your electronic magazine and applaud the way it saves paper. It doesn't save electricity, like paper magazines do, but I guess there's a cost-benefit analysis lying in wait for us all with the Great Accountant In The Sky one of these days. So, without further ado (what does "ado" mean, then? it's always bugged me, it has, and, while we're on, what does "bugged" mea...
Dear Sir, I was fascinated to read in your magazine, about three years ago (I can't remember exactly when), about the days of the British Empire and some of the great characters of those times. But why did you not mention my ancestor William Plumstone, the man who introduced the porcelain eggcup to the Headhunters of Sarawak? Despite being warned numerous times, William had the courage to...
DISCOVERY Dear Sir, I wonder if any of your readers can settle an argument? Only, my husband and I were having a discussion the other day about the end of the world. He reckons it will happen either when the sun finally goes nova, turns into a red giant and swallows the earth up, or when we get hit by a giant asteroid. I reckon it'll end when we get overrun with vampires and zombies, which w...
Dear Sir, may I, as an occasional reader, speak up for the humble cod? Wherever I go, I find that nary a person has a kind word for the cod. I am frequently made nauseous by the effusions of some of our more simple-minded citizens, upon the subject of their pet animals, viz. lap dogs, cats, various songsters, and suchlike. But how many endearments is the cod vouchsafed? Not one. Well? Have y...
ONIONS Dear Sir, What a swizz this Formula One motor racing lark is. My mate Jud told me to expect loads of thrills and spills, so you can imagine my disappointment when I tuned in to watch the European Grand Prix from Valencia, and all that happened was that some cars went round a track. Over and over again. I was hoping for some pile ups at the traffic lights - they didn't even have any tr...
Dear Sir, many people have been writing into your letters page to say how they have known celebrity people. Well, if it's good for the goose, it's open to abuse. So, throwing back the cutlet, sorry, gauntlet, I can say that I knew Lord Haw-Haw, the infamous English man who worked for German radio propagation during the war. Progaganda not propagation. Propagation was gardening and it would h...
Dear Sir, I have been reading some of your readers' letters that they have written to you, the Editor of this magazine (these are what are called "Letters To The Editor", seeing as how they are written to you; this is of course a mere matter of form, they are not written to you personally, but if we do not have forms then we have chaos, as Schloer wrote in his Treatise Upon The Properties Of Th...
Dear Sir, I'm writing to you in order to express my disgust at the sudden proliferation of so called Letters To The Editor. If you ask me, it's just stupid. I mean, it's not like writing to you is going to make any difference to anything, because you're just a bleeding editor when all's said and done. This whole letters to the editor thing is just pointless. I mean, what are you going to do abo...
Dear Sir, I thought your readers may be interested in some antedotal eveydense that obtrains of a famious pearson. You see, I did life nearbie the fourmar Primed Minster, Sir Edwin Heathe, when he was still livine with his morther, Shirley, at Sellsea. They had a moddest home then. That was befor Edwin, as we callt him, got to Parleymend. They just had the caler gaz and a potible Tellie.
Dear Sir, What on earth is wrong with this country? Has everyone finally taken leave of their senses? I say this because when I returned home from work today, I was greeted by a large crowd of people dressed in overalls, a couple of my so-called 'friends' and some television presenter type chappie who looked to all intents and purposes - given his mannerisms - like he was bowling from the Gaswo...
Dear Editor, I'm not usually one to commit pen to paper. However, in this instance I have made an exception, basically because I found a blank sheet of A4 paper, and as I had a pen to hand, I thought it would be a shame to waste the opportunity. I'm not quite sure what it is I want to say here, or what kind of message I'm trying to convey, but it would just seem like a wasted opportunity if I d...
Dear Sir, now I am reading your magazine quite a lot lately. "Now there's lovely, for you!", I says to my husband, Dyffyddydd Ystnyllbrggyddfyd, "now there's a magazine, now, look you, isn't it then?" "Aye", he says to me, putting down his copy of the Yn y llyvyr hwnn of Sir John Price of Brecon, d'you see, he does, and he says "Oh, Glywdwyddyn Ystnyllbrggyddfyd" - which is my own name and t...
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