Housewife Gloria Red-Nees has denied flooding Somerset by leaving the bath taps running while at the hairdressers. Husband, Lord Farquharse Red- Nees said "Oh yes you did" to her this morning. "I bloody well did not" said Gloria to our flooded co...
Chancellor of spin, "Gorgeous George" Osborne has announced that "Loan-Grants" are to be made available to married couples (straight or gay) to build Arks to solve the flood crisis. He announced to a meeting of redundant shipbuilders in Somerset,...
A UKIP comedy party spokesperson told our reporter this morning that the party had no problem with the scores of Somerset refugees entering Britain illegally. "These people will be held at a central processing unit and dealt with according to EU rul...
NEW YORK CITY - The meteorologist who is considered to be The Rock Star of Weather Jim Cantore recently talked with Durango Tucker of National Focus Magazine. Cantore who many say is more recognized than Rush Limbaugh has covered every type of wea...
Canal Street, the area of Manchester frequented by the LGBT community, has only one corner shop, Azeef's; umbrella sales at this shop have increased four hundred fold since UKIP's announcement that gay marriage causes floods. "I'm thinking of sell...
David Silvester, became the second UKIP councillor to be suspended after saying something daft when he announced to the world that David Cameron's Gay Marriage Bill angered God so much that he flooded the south of England. In a rare interview, God...
The Thames Riviera home of top Magic Circle magician and Illusionist Paul Daniels has not flooded like almost every other nearby property. Paul and Debbie told our reporter. "The bureaucratic idiots will not give permission for me to pay for what...
Italy - "Eez meant to keep out all those boat people," Venice Lagoon harbormaster Gian-Carlo sambucca said today as a massive erection of steel gates bolted to the sea floor was being installed ahead of high tide. The 23,000 tonne, 78-section barr...
The Epic of Gilgamesh is a long, boring, heroic poem by Gil Gamesh, a Babylonian who plagiarized the story from ancient Sumerian sources and claimed that the events of the poem, outlandish though they are, actually happened to him. One of the poem's key episodes in the flood, which, when it is written about in the Bible, is known as the Biblical flood, but, in Gilgamesh, is referred to as The Delu...
MIAMI - LeBron "The Weatherman" James has just shown that not only is he a fantastic basketball player, but he is also one top rate weatherman. LeBron posted an Instagram of flooded streets in Miami and it was picked up by The National Weather Ser...
Three-quarters of Britain's families are bracing themselves for a rush of New Year greeting cards with loads of pathetically up-lifting poems and massively predictable rhymes. In Scotland there will be more verse - and sometimes the verse is w...
Google Maps were already brilliant, with satellite, topography, live traffic updates, street view and navigation. In wet, wet Britain, Google have unveiled another useful addition, flooding. "We've all seen the news," said Jeeves Bing, head of res...
Sheffield remains the only city in the UK not to be submerged under at least an inch of water, leading major map manufacturers to redraw the island of the UK as just a small blob near the Isle of Man with a few scattered islands around it. "The wh...
Torrential downpours across the country saw two months' rain fall in 24 hours yesterday. And weather forecasters are warning that heavy showers will return by the end of the week. The rain has caused chaos, with floods hitting various parts of...
Wales - West Wales Drugs Squad has been alerted to a new horror menacing the flood-stricken people of Gwynedd. This morning's reports said crack had been found in a reservoir at Pennal, close to Machynlleth, contaminating drinking supplies and fri...
London - "It's bound to rattle the NewsCorpse Fragrant Redhead Garden," a whorticultural society groundsman said this morning as news of the weekend forecast broke. "There's only so much washed out mugwort, poison ivy and wormwood the Show can ta...
London - Just one small fracking-related tremor could push the UK's volatile flood waters into tsunami mode No 10 Drowning Street warned today. Sunday's powerful Scorpio fool moon reacting badly with underground methane deposits is all it would ta...
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