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Spoof stories written by P.J. Maggitti

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Funny story: Surgeon General Warns about Secondhand Gas

Surgeon General Warns about Secondhand Gas

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Secondhand gas dramatically increases the risk of acute nausea, insult to the nasal lining, asthma attacks, and even asphyxiation, this according to U.S. Surgeon General Vice Admiral Jerome Adams. In a sobering report issued November...

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Funny story: How to Tell You're Watching Bad Porn

How to Tell You're Watching Bad Porn

Jesus once said, "The porn you will always have with you." He was right. In fact, porn is multiplying faster than the loaves and fishes. Last year more than 5.5 billion hours of porn were consumed on Pornhub, the world’s largest porn gallery (Pornhub...

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Funny story: New Sex Drug Stops Premature Ejaculation

New Sex Drug Stops Premature Ejaculation

SAN ANTONIO - Johnson & Johnson, makers of No More Tears, electrified the proceedings of the American Urological Association here yesterday by announcing the development of a drug that stops premature ejaculation in its tracks. That drug, dapoxe...

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Funny story: GanjaScope Is President Trump's Favorite Read

GanjaScope Is President Trump's Favorite Read

We "heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend" that GanjaScope℠ is President Trump's "favorite read." That's what friend #1 (initials IT) told us. Friend #2 (initials KC) reports that "Donald has someone read [Gan...

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Funny story: Walmart Introduces CBD-Infused Dental Dams

Walmart Introduces CBD-Infused Dental Dams

NEW YORK—Walmart Inc [NYSE: WMT, 116.92, ▲ 0.90 (0.78%)] announced yesterday that it will begin selling CBD-infused dental dams in all its retail outlets by Thanksgiving. The move is seen by industry analysts as an attempt to boost dental dam sales—a...

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Funny story: Vegans Celebrate Paul Prudhomme’s Death with Tofu-Seitan Turducken

Vegans Celebrate Paul Prudhomme’s Death with Tofu-Seitan Turducken

The West Goshen Vegan Alliance (WGVA), a militant culinary rights group, is holding a special Fat Chance Supper on Saturday November 2 to commemorate the passing of Chef Paul Prudhomme. The late chef is alleged to have created the turducken, "a hideo...

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Funny story: Pot Is Dead

Pot Is Dead

If Nietzsche were alive today, he would have to declare, "Pott ist tot." Pot is dead. In Nietzsche's time, as in ours, these sorts of uber deaths occur long before most people notice. Indeed, there are still worshipers who attend church on Sunday, ev...

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Funny story: Yin and Yang Seek Divorce, Citing Irreconcilable Differences

Yin and Yang Seek Divorce, Citing Irreconcilable Differences

Yin and Yang, one of the world's most beloved and recognizable couples, have filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split. "It happens," said the dark-haired Ms. Yin. "After thousands of years, couples just gr...

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Funny story: Exclusive Interview with the Historical Jesus

Exclusive Interview with the Historical Jesus

We hold no brief with invisible friends in the sky—not the nine choirs of angels, the eight maids a-milking, the heavenly hosts a-dancing, or the figments of anybody's fevered imagination. We are, however, fascinated with the Historical Jesus, the ap...

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Funny story: Presenting The Ganjascope℠, Your Horoscope on Pot

Presenting The Ganjascope℠, Your Horoscope on Pot

You hold in your hands (you're not still using a desk top, are you?) the astrological world's first Ganjascope℠, the horoscope that takes the logical out of astrological, that boldly goes where no other horoscope dares to tread (yes, the Ganjascope℠...

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Funny story: Propane-Driven Vape Pens Kill Three in Amish County

Propane-Driven Vape Pens Kill Three in Amish County

Bird in Hand, PA—News of the deaths of three unrelated Amish youths—Jacob Stolzfus, 18, Lucas Stolzfus, 19, and Cyrus Martin, 21—has exploded like after-market vape pens in this quaintly-named Amish community. The youth, who were all employed in the...

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Funny story: Sir Paul Caught on Video Attempting to Buy Pot

Sir Paul Caught on Video Attempting to Buy Pot

WINGHAM, near Sandwich, Kent, England—A potentially embarrassing iPhone 10 video in which Paul McCartney is seen attempting to buy marijuana in the rural village of Wingham, Kent, is in the sweaty hands of local authorities. Those of you who haven't...

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