"This game has no place for chewers, spitters, and cheaters..." With those words, Major League Baseball Commissioner, Bud Selig lowered the gavel on sunflower seeds in big league dugouts. MLB and the Players Association came to the agreement late...
Citi Field, New York -- Major League Baseball has canceled its newest All-Star attraction. Called the Steroid Juice-Off, the event would have showcased how Performance-Enhancing Drugs turn ordinary mooks into muscle-bound Babe Ruth's. "We thoug...
The recent heart-warming words of Lance Armstrong have inspired a wave of appeals from prisoners on Death Row in America to commute their sentences to a 'life-time ban from competitive cycling'. US legal experts are said to be scratching their he...
Lance Armstrong has appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show to apologise for his performance enhancing drug use over seven seperate Tour de France titles. However he has since denied rumours that he was under the influence of drugs to make the apology.
CHICAGO, Illinois (ABSNN) - "They test NFL players for performance enhancement drugs (PED's), but what they're looking for is steroids, not male enhancement drugs such as Viagra. They can stop us from bulking up, but not from getting laid," said Chi...
Lance Armstrong has called the rumours surrounding his so-called drug taking during the Tour De France as complete and utter nonsense! But he does admit to taking perfomance enhancers before the Tour and during it too and these are certainly not drug...
MIAMI - Since the Dan Marino Era came to an end, Dolphins football has never been the same. The front office has scurried the open market like an addict looking for a quick fix - mulishly passing on Drew Brees in the process. And like most junkies,...
Dorking Zoo Keeper, Stavros Jones, improved his brainpower three-fold by smoking the malted fur from various primates at the zoo he is employed at an un-named conservation park in Surrey. Stavros, a keen botanist when not tending to primates, boas...
ORGANISERS of the prestigious Tour de Farce cycle race are considering how to save the event following revelations that two unnamed cyclists have tested negative for performance enhancing drugs. It has been alleged that officials were aware of the...
Dina Lohan, the controlling behind the scenes Mother from Hell, said she was furious after learning that daughter Lindsay had refused to sign the contract for the lead in the remake of "Splendor in the Grass" that had helped Natalie Wood shoot to sta...
Philadelphia, PA - Mayor Michael Nutter has accomplished something other Philadelphia Mayors have been unable to do for fifteen years: acquire the biggest Crack Star from Los Angeles and bring him over to stumble the streets of Philadelphia. "I've...
Charles Bradley, president of a West Texas school's chess team collapsed and died in a competition against rival school. While official autopsy results are still pending, preliminary findings show that the player died due to a heart attack (which wa...
Disgraced sprinter Dwain Chambers was at the centre of a storm when it was revealed he had been caught speeding. "It wasn't the fact he was 10 miles an hour over the 30 mph limit that aroused suspicion, it was the fact he was on foot at the time."...
University sports scientists have discovered that athletes can radically improve their performance by using illegal drugs. They say that when compared to athletes that have not taken them, the drug users showed an average improvement of 9%. "When...
The recently established Baseball Commissioner's office for "Keeping The Game Clean", having decided to unearth Babe Ruth's body, to prove to the whole world that once upon a time all American baseball players were completely free of illegal substances, received instead an unearthly surprise just yesterday. "No one was more surprised by this than me," prattled Babe Ruth's great great great Ame...
Lausanne, Switzerland - A committee of officials have dramatically taken away all 100 medals awarded to Chinese athletes at the Beijing Olympics following drug retesting. Committee chairman, Stan Ozolol, defended the controversial decision at a recen...
Children across the world have been inspired by the operatic aria: "Here I come to save the day/ Because Mighty Mouse in on his way!" Sad to announce the sports world today learned that there was more in the ripped rodent's whey than curds! Ca...
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