In a report published today, scientists based at the University of California (Los Angeles) claim that research has proven horoscopes to be accurate. In a striking section of the 600-page document, a survey of Taurus and Gemini subjects activities...
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) So what if you're not the same level-headed person your wife said she married. Doctor Frankenstein did the best he could with what he had to work with. Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Sure, proposing marriage by an airplane banner was a great idea three years ago, but "What's for supper?" is beginning to push it a bit. Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Yes they call it...
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) The stars see a vast change in your future as soon now, the days will grow longer, you'll begin to shed clothing and the sun will appear to be much stronger. Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Although you've always claimed that your health is what really matters, you have to believe the little lady's new breast implants have made them a close second and third. Aquar...
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) Even though you and your blind date already hate each other's guts within half an hour, you' still have to do the best you can until the guide dogs get unhung. Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) You need to go put those back. While I realize the "Sperm" part of the Bank light was out last night, you still should have left those things there. Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)...
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) You'll realize by the middle of the coming week that skipping your medications was a bad idea. For one thing, the voice in your head is beginning to sound a lot less like the telephone sex lady and a lot more like Paul Harvey on speed. Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Although you've never been one to believe in evolution, that orangutan at the zoo would pass for you...
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) Just because one of the customers told you that you had given her back three cents too much in change for the postal stamp, doesn't mean you have to go on a killing rage and take out everybody at the post office. Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) So you were all set to expose the tented seance lady, Madame Bavior and her little table rising game, but you never expected...
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) This week you'll be sorry for laughing at those people who tried to warn you not to go to work for that chemical company, no matter how well they paid. Oh you can still laugh, but it'll be out of the other side of your face. Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) Even though the doctor's report on your feces specimen will turn your hair white, you can take comfort in the fa...
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC) This week you will not only confirm the saying, "He who smelt it, dealt it" but add your own "and also felt it!" Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN) It would be nice to have a close friend to go places with and who would slap you on the back from time to time, like right now while you're choking on that big piece of meat. Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB) Your disagreement...
Help with an ethical matter will be forthcoming this week. Follow a friends advice regarding a moral dilemma that has been troubling you for some time. A surprise source of income could come your way. You have discovered that a distant relative has recently been diagnosed with colon cancer and that the prognosis is poor. She is a spinster and has no close relatives. Even better she owns a four...
Maintain a positive attitude and things will naturally flow your way this week. Tell a few jokes [not the one about the baseball bat and the care home assistant], and keep things light and energetic. You will find that you can multi-task very well, and that you have the built-in ability to make everyone around you smile. Don't shy away from things, move toward them. Put away your self-doubt th...
You certainly are in a strange mood this week, Librans. True, things have been running unusually smoothly for you the past few days, but be careful not to fool yourself. Pride comes before a fall, as they say. With Jupiter's moon's entering Saturn, a Schizophrenic breakdown is a distinct possibilty. However, relax. Recent developments in neuroleptic medications have now reduced the demonic voic...
There are days when you will feel truly wonderful this week Scorpio. If you are thinking about changing careers my advice to you is 'Go for it'. With the Moon entering Pluto success is virtually guaranteed. I'd go as far as to tell your present boss to stick his job up his fat arse. Similarly, if you are contemplating leaving your partner and kids for that young dental nurse you have been seei...
No matter what you are doing today, have fun with it, dear Sagittarius. Whistle a tune or sing a song. Turn the stereo up to full volume and dance around your kitchen as you make dinner. Remember that you can find amusement in just about anything, even terminal illness, so keep this in mind as you tackle even the most revolting of tasks . You are responsible for your own attitude. If you wanna...
First the good news. This week Virgos, you will be offered the trip of a lifetime. A free first class plane ticket and £10,000 cash to travel around the world at your leisure for the next 12 months. The bad news is however you will have to refuse the offer. With global terrorism due to reach it's peak in 2008, it would be total madness to leave your house let alone the country. Sure the Taj Ma...
The once a year visit of the new moon to your partnership chart makes romance a probability. Put more simply, if you play your cards right it should be 'furry beard time' from now till Good Friday. On a more cautious note if you have a best friend called either Ian or Lisa be careful. The wilful planet Saturn is in their cusp and consequently they are more than likely to contract a serious bact...
Adolf Hitler, the well-known Taurean, was an innocent bystander and "not responsible for the atrocities he committed during the Second World War", says a leading astrologer who has studied...
A controversial study has shown that astrology, and Horoscopes in particular are all made by power crazed elves wanting to change the world.
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