I'm Martin Shuttlecock, and speaking on behalf of my beloved wife and myself, I would like to extend the warmest of New Year's greetings and felicitations to those who read this.
The ones who don't can all fuck off.
Right - It's traditional to look to the New Year with optimism. It's the done thing to hope for a peaceful New Year, and wish happiness, health and prosperity up...
Most Britons make up the lyrics to the traditional New Year ditty Auld Lang Syne a survey has discovered.
Researchers discovered that 37 per cent of us don't know any of the words to the song, written by Robert Burns in 1788.
Most of the adults...
Bah-Humbug is your middle name. But why should a miserable bastard only get to be miserable at the holidays? Commit to memory these easy-to-follow steps and you'll be sure to be insufferable for all twelve months.
1) Run away from your problems. Why face problems head on when you can run from them and possibly make others feel as if these same problems were theirs and not yours.
2) Tell your...
Every new year, millions of people make New Year's resolutions which they fully intend to keep.
Some people resolve not to drink as much, or smoke as much, or make fun of the faults of their spouses, significant others, or love interests.
Many of these New Year's promises have actually lasted as long as four or five weeks, most however do have a tendency of falling by the wayside within 48...
1) Get mugged.
2) Have your home burgled.
3) Get made redundant, and sign on at the jobcentre.
4) Shop next year at the multitude of closing down stores to save cash and get a bargain.
5) Have pedestrian training on how to avoid the Big Issue sellers.
6) Visit the closed down medical wards, arrange nostalgia tours through your local Health Care Managers. (They will require 30% of in...
Well dear reader, another year has rolled over us like a Mac Truck driven by a hairy Swedish lesbian! The earth has spun on its axis taking us from horn-bags in bikinis to horn-bags in winter jumpsuits and then back again.
Sitting at the local the other day, I was spit balling with my mates what Christmas at the Lodge would be like. I can picture Julia Gillard sitting in the dining room starin...
The UN announced today that the year of 2012 is to be postponed.
Ban Ki-moon, Secretary-General of the United Nations, spoke of the unanimous UN vote. 'The outlook for the global economy is extremely uncertain,' he explained. 'There is political i...
Susan Boyle has revealed her New Year's Resolution for 2011 and it has come as a huge surprise to her fans.
Many thought she would be resolving to visit 3rd World countries to embark on missionary work in some shape or form.
She stunned the 'fanship' by announcing, this morning:
"Och...Ahm gonna t'spend a lo' o' time in Middlesbrough. That's in the North East of England, as some of yer...
Susan Boyle has welcomed in 2011 in great style. Susan had a huge party at her new house in Blackburn. Invited guests were all of the people of the village. There were NO celebrities invited.
When asked why Susan had hostessed a party excluding...
BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - At a local PC World superstore Jack Smith was buying a 50-inch (127cm) Sony Bravia 3D just in time to beat the 1st Jan VAT rise in Britain.
The VAT rise means that the price of the TV could rise from £600 (US$935) to £700 (US$1...
IT'S not even New Year's Day - but Tesco is already filling its shelves with Easter eggs.
Christmas trees are still 'up' in many homes, twinkling lights flash on and off. Wheelie bins full of Christmas Wrappers and turkey bones wait curbside and yet here come the chocolate bunnies.
It appears the greedy companies can't wait, even beating the Valentines Day shoppers. Oh no! The Valentine's...
LOS ANGELES - The editor of The Tinsel Town Times Tribune, Murgatroyd Latherwick has just released a listing of some of the 2011 new year's resolutions as offered by some of the world's most famous and infamous celebrities, politicians, sports figures, and basic headline grabbers.
Mr. Latherwick noted that although he does not personally know all of the individuals mentioned in the article he h...
Residents of Newby, Isle of Wight, are preparing to see in the New Year in style.
A huge glittery ball has been erected on the village green and is set, hopefully, to 'fall' at midnight. This is the very first time such a spectacular event has bee...
After studying the stars, especially Elizabeth Taylor and Marylyn Monroe and using my special powers to see into the future I can announce my Official Predictions for 2011.
After divorcing Prince Charles, who decides against Camilla being known as Queen Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall marries Royal Favourite Prince Andrew. As they have both been divorced (Camilla twice) speci...
Ring In The New Year!
By Timothy N. Stelly, Sr.
Taking a page from the National Enquirer and other errant epistles, here are my predictions for 2011, many of them macabre. These prognostications are brought to you by Miss Cleo and Crandall's New and Used Crystal Balls, of Locust Ridge, Louisiana
JORAN AND O.J. FACE SHOWER DANGERS. Yep, The Danish Bad Boy "takes one for the team" after he is...
1) Share the money equally.
2) Appear on Jeremy Kyle.
3) Appear on the Wright Stuff.
4) Reduce my carbon foot-print.
5) Reduce my personal level of smugness.
6) Give Nick Clegg a manly hand shake everytime he gets something right.
7) Give Boris Johnson a dressing down everytime he gets something wrong.
8) Get a new bike, and lycra clothes. The old ones are wearing out.
WASHINGTON, DC (ABSNN) -- President Barack Obama released a few of his most noteworthy New Year's Resolutions Thursday morning at a White House press briefing. He did not answer reporter's questions however, saying: "I believe the list speaks for itself."
(1) I will not stick my penis into anymore electrical outlets.
(2) I will not hide my monthly "Big, BIG, Chick's Asses" magazines under...
After yet another world beating New Year's firework display, with a blue theme, to reflect the blue skies and blue water of Australia, Sydney Harbour Bridge, that iconic symbol of Australia was today declared unsafe.
"Some bloody drongo boffin ove...
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