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Quentin Kelp MP - A Wind Up

Dear Constituents Fresh from my work experience as an apprentice vicar at Krupton Parish Church and with the Conference season over for another year we can now focus on more important things such as re-election. My theme this week will be the looming power crisis and I have a solution that I think should guarantee me the necessary attention before the election and a Ministerial job soon...

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Quentin Kelp MP - My Ten Commandments

Dear Constituents (and Parishioners) I have had a very hectic week. I should really have gone along to the Party Conference but, instead, undertook some specialised work experience. Unless one is pre-booked to perform on the main stage or even one of the side shows, Party Conferences are a useless pathway to career progression especially for a non-comformist so I decided to get away with...

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Quentin Kelp MP - A man to man chat on sensitive matters

Dear constituents Everything has returned to hectic normality since the few days I spent in drag in Grey Gables Old Peoples' Home. I have to admit that I miss my knickers, though. Despite occasional disasters I found these over-sized garments far more comfortable than my Y-fronts so I'm going to renew the campaign once started by the excellent Mr Paxman to improve the design of men's underwe...

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Quentin Kelp MP - A Bingo Prize and Nail Biting

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic week or so and please excuse the wet smudges on this newsletter as I admit to feeling unusually sad at the moment. Living disguised as eighty-six year old Ada Marples in Grey Gables Old Person's Home has had a profound, emotional effect on me and I am beginning to question the value of continuing as your elected member. Would I be better working...

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Quentin Kelp MP - Sherry and a Terrifying Nightmare

Dear Constituents I had a most hectic and sleepless night last night which I need to tell you about before I proceed with describing the strike that I tried to organize at Grey Gables Old Peoples' Home. I attribute my bad dream to the hallucinatory effects of the large quantity of sherry I'd drunk the night before. I am normally OK after gin and tonic, whisky, beer, wine, brandy and cop...

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Quentin Kelp MP - Bingo and a Vibrator

Dear Constituents I have had a most relaxing few days. This is not what I expected after I moved into Grey Gables Old Persons' Home two days ago, but the service has been excellent. On the other hand, I suppose, I was fortunate in that my residence here was temporary and voluntary. Unlike the other long term residents I had not really been abandoned by my family to live amongst health a...

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Quentin Kelp MP - Old Knickers and a Grey Wig

Dear Constituents I have had such a hectic week and so much exciting news to tell you. But please do not put this Newsletter aside to read whilst sat on the loo or in the pub. This one needs to be read whilst seated in your most comfortable chair with the TV off and, perhaps, a cup of tea. As I mentioned in my last Newsletter I have recently decided to use disguise to conduct researc...

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Quentin Kelp MP - Bermuda Shorts and a Blonde Wig

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic few days and must apologise for the lack of Newsletters. This is partly because my visit to Greece (the Faliraki Economic Conference) took several days longer than expected, as you may have discovered by reading last week's copy of the Krupton News and other rags. I just wish I had been given the opportunity to explain things in more detail before they...

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Selected Nottingham News for W/E 26th August 2012 + comments

Funny story: Selected Nottingham News for W/E 26th August 2012 + comments

Monday 21st May 2012 Topic: Crime - Appeal - Robbery Headline "Police seek robbery attempt witnesses" Source: Nottingham Police Site Extract: Police are appealing for witnesses after an attempted robbery at a post office in Bestwood Park. It happened at Elmbridge Post Office, in Beckhampton Road, at about 9.45am yesterday (Wednesday 22 August). A man entered the premises, demanded cash,...

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Quentin Kelp MP - Faliraki Economic Conference

Dear Constituents I have had a very busy week and it's all because I launched Kelpileaks. The KelpiLeaks "Bullshit and Disinformation File" is clearly the most popular section and I already have such a fast growing network of volunteers feeding in 5 Star Bullshit that I was thinking of recalling Anthea (my PA) from her holiday in Faliraki (which is somewhere in Greece) to deal with the respo...

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Quentin Kelp MP - Leaks and Red Curtains

Dear Constituents I have had a very busy week trying to find reasons not to stay in the house. This is partly due to trying to avoid my wife who is constantly asking when we intend to go and visit her mother in Macclesfield. Apparently (quote): "September is nearly on us, autumn is around the corner, the schools will be going back, half term will soon be upon us, Guy Fawkes night is waitin...

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Selected Political News for W/E 19th August 2012 + comments

Funny story: Selected Political News for W/E 19th August 2012 + comments

Monday 13th Aug Topic: Politics - Holidays Headline "Cameron, Clegg and Miliband head off on post-Olympics holidays" Source: BBC News Extract: David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband are heading off on holiday, in a post-Olympics political exodus. Both Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg are reportedly travelling to Spain for their break - where the Lib Dem leader will be visiting his wife's family.

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Quentin Kelp MP - Deck Chairs & Blissful Indifference

Dear Constituents I have had a very busy week and should really take a break away from the pressure of constituency work. But duty calls and, anyway, my wife thinks we should visit her mother in Macclesfield. My impending visit to Greece in time for their next bailout or complete exit from the Euro sounds like my best chance for fun before Parliament re-opens. By the way, explaining whe...

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Selected Political News for W/E 12th August 2012 + comments

Funny story: Selected Political News for W/E 12th August 2012 + comments

Monday 6th Aug Topic: Headline "29 councils axe pest control" Source: The Sun Extract: Twenty-nine pest control departments across the UK have closed in two years. And society's most vulnerable - families who cannot afford to pay private firms to control vermin - are most in danger. The British Pest Control Association warned that illnesses such as Weil's Disease could increasingly be s...

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Quentin Kelp MP - Donkey Sports & The Olympics

Dear Constituents I have had a very hectic week and am now way behind with my Newsletters. This is because I have been focussing hard on my training for the 2016 Olympic Games. I reckon four years should be enough for me to qualify for Team GB although we first need to get my sport recognised by the IOC. As a sport, donkey dressage, donkey cross-country and donkey show jumping is not as r...

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Selected Political News for W/E 5th August 2012 + comments

Funny story: Selected Political News for W/E 5th August 2012 + comments

Monday 30th July 2012 Topic: Benefits Headline: Source: The Sun Extract: 900,000 Brits have been on the sick for more than ten years - with hundreds claiming cash for obesity, headaches and even ACNE. And there are virtually no checks to see whether the 885,100 people who have received incapacity benefit for a decade still need it. The figure includes 22,640 alcoholics and drug...

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Quentin Kelp MP - Greek Philosophy, Tax and Haemorrhoids

Dear Constituents I have had such a hectic week and am now well behind with my newsletters. You might have thought I had already forgotten about you what with the summer recess and the sun shining but this is far from the truth. The sun will continue to shine ever brightly through my regular Newsletter. I'm off to Greece in a week or so, on a fact-finding visit. It's also so that I can...

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Paying tradesmen cash in hand morally wrong, says Minister!

Funny story: Paying tradesmen cash in hand morally wrong, says Minister!

Treasury minister David Gauke has said it is "Morally Wrong" to pay tradesmen such as plumbers, builders and cleaners in cash in the hope of avoiding tax. He argued the practice came at "a big cost" to the Treasury and meant other people had to pa...

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Trump Jr. Says That He Always Wanted to Be Separated From His Parents

That's why he can't understand the consternation at the border with kids being taken from parents.
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