Dear Mrs Fungle, Please accept my apologies for calling you a tight fisted old hag with dew drops and a wig that should have been put down years ago. We received your cheque this morning. Peter Morning Adl Electrical Supplies Dear Mr Dreem, After some consideration, I would not want to shove your head in a meat grinder and boil your testicles in hot jam. You are not a wanker and I...
Dear Sir, I write to you as it were a cry du cur from the heart, having had the misfortune to have read an article in your weekend supplement just gone. The weekend has just gone, I mean, not the supplement, which is still laid on my escritoire, ready for the recycling bin. There was I, in anticipation of reading some picturesque passages about Dorking's lovely scenery, on account of the hea...
An announcement about a huge hike in the cost of posting a letter seems imminent, with charges for a second class letter going up to around 55 pence and first class possibly exceeding 70 pence. This will see postal charges going up by more than 50%.
A man from Babbacombe, Torquay, has become involved in a bee-keeping furore that has caused confusion and outtrage among local residents. Bobby Babbington, 52, who lives in Alphabet Lane, Babbacombe, began b-keeping as a hobby and has amassed a co...
Dear Sir, I note that Paddington Bear will appear at Dalemain country house near Ullswater on the 25th and 26th of February, where he will visit The World's Original Marmalade Awards & Festival. He won't, though, not really. Because he doesn't actually exist, does he? Some soft-headed twerp buys his idiotic wife a teddy bear, then decides to write a book about an imaginary bear. It t...
Dear Sir, Here I am again (oh no I hear you cry!) with the latest from my researches into the history of the Dorking Sentinels. (For any readers who are not Dorking-bred, and are unaware of the tradition after which your newspaper is named, the Sentinels were originally guardians put in place to watch for the coming of the Danes. After Ethelfrith The Unsteady defeated the Norse King Wolfram...
Dear Sir, whenever I hear the song 'I'm 'Enery The Eighth I Am', I think, "that wouldn't work if they said 'Henry' like we do in real life." The cockney accent makes it worse; they are implying that all cockneys say "Enery" instead of Henry. Now if they used "Emery", as in Dick Emery, that might just work, plus there would be quite a demographic to aim for when it comes to re-marketing th...
Dear Ed, Is your name really Ed? Or is it something like Trevor, or Kevin? If that's the case, then why don't people write letters to Trev, or Kev? I've never been able to comprehend that - despite having a loud and rather authoritarian voice. It's one of those things which have dogged me from early childhood, when I inadvertently witnessed the master of the house, performing an act of exquisit...
Dear Ed Re- Hair. I used to have quite a bit of it. Then I got to a point in life where I didn't have quite so much, and now I find I don't have any at all. My wife attributes it to my age, but I don't believe her. If that was the case, how come the ones on the backs of my fingers and the tops of my toes keep growing? Answer me that then, eh! Eh! Telly Savalas Newbury. ***** Dear Si...
The following emails about The Dorking Review, that much revered literary extravaganza, were received at the offices of Martin Shuttlecock, PR guru, media mogul, and aspiring train driver. It isn't really an office at all. It's just his front room. From paranoidandroid: It isn't a proper book. You stapled sheets that you'd printed off your computer, onto the cover of a proper book. To make i...
Dear Editor, I must admit to becoming vaguely disturbed by a recent trend in your esteemed publication - that of the blatant self-publicising cadre of crap writers, who appear to be allowed to shamelessly promote their, quite frankly, shitty product without fear of censure. I found myself misled by this relentless barrage of propoganda, and ordered the book from Amazon. 'The Dorking Review' was...
Dear Editor, As a child I always dreamt of being the proud owner of a Johnny Seven One Man Army gun. This was the clever, 'Transformers' type toy gun advertised on the television, which could be fully or partially dismantled to make seven different weapons in one, ranging in scale from a pistol to a rocket launcher. However, being miserable bastards, my parents flatly refused to buy me one, eve...
Dear Editor, To any readers who think their boss is ruthless, they ought to meet mine. The man is an absolute tyrant. He makes no bones about pointing out my, or my colleagues' shortcomings, and has even been known to scream abuse into people's faces. And what's even worse is that his breath frequently smells of chewing gum and a nice Chianti. This man's behaviour is positively Dickensian. He's...
Dear Mark, Why oh why do you let things like this happen? I have just read, in the magazine section of your esteemed website, the most execrable, disgusting, expletive ridden article it has ever been my misfortune to ever come across. It was entitled, 'Have You Farted?' and although it contained a warning about foul and abusive language, nothing could have prepared me for the disgusting nature...
Dear Sir, I melon to you as one who wishes to draw the pomegranate of your readers to the grape of those who are forced to endure the banana called "fruit insertion coconut", by which they are tomato to substitute the starfruits of fruits for the actual mandarins they really want to apple. As blackberry can no strawberry pineapple, this is a very apricot condition for both sufferers and thos...
Dear Sir, it's a damned queer affair about these colonial johnnies from Australia, what? Not content with stealing sheep and loaves of bread from honest shopkeepers in the 19th century, what do they do when they get transported to the world's most God-forsaken hell-hole? They make it into a veritable University of Crime, that's what the sewers do. First they hunt the aboriginals to extinc...
Dear Sir, I think it is jolly shocking all, thi's about Robert Murdog (Rupert Murdoch - Ed.) and these phone's what he has been hacking. After, all it i's so dear to run a phone line, without the'se hacking going on top of the bill's. I think that Robert Murdock (Rupert Murdoch, you fool - Ed.) should of been forced to pay the bil'ls for all thes'e people what phones' has of been hacked.
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