Cognizant that months of sheltering in place will have made people especially vulnerable to bacterial hazards, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with Bayer AG, which acquired what used to be Monsanto in June of 2018, to dis...
Weeks into the COVID-19 lockdown, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention encouragingly reported that social distancing is working - as evidenced by the fact that people are feeling more distant than ever. “I’ve felt disconnected from frien...
The Center for Disease Control (“CDC”) has informed Americans that covering one’s face with a mask constructed from cloth, paper towels, or even toilet paper is acceptable, if one is in a position where one’s nose and mouth should be covered and a me...
Congratulating Americans on their response to the deadly worldwide COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention encouraged people that they'll be able to apply the lessons they’re learning from coronavirus in the next pandemic, w...
Cautioning that the novel coronavirus can linger on surfaces like flower petals for up to 17 hours, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned people not to stop and smell the roses, even though they could die at any moment from COVID-19.
Washington D.C. - The CDC made an announcement today that rocked the world of street-performing mimes and silenced a rumor that has permeated their culture. "We have inarguable proof," said Fredrick Paulson, 43, a spokesperson for the Center For D…
Unlike in countries like Italy and China, where the coronavirus pandemic sustained national focus for months, in the United States, the COVID-19 epidemic may be cut short due to Americans’ notoriously short attention span. “I was really into it fo...
“It’s not often we manage to capture the public's attention the way we did with COVID-19,” said Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Director Robert Redfield, M.D. “We want to capitalize on that momentum with a follow-up that really does justic...
Just as romaine lettuce growers were recovering from the e coli scare of last spring, the Center for Disease Control issued a "do not serve" and "do not eat" warning covering romaine lettuce from any source and in every state. One defiant salad chef...
A damning report on the spread of rabies at the White House compiled by the Center for Disease Control was leaked today and published by the NY times. The report details how people inside the Trump inner circle ignored initial warnings from CDC docto...
Atlanta, GA: The Center for Disease Control issued an alarming report that states a child's risk for developing serious psychiatric disorders in adulthood increased by 62% if they excessively "whispered". Lawrence Lipschitz M.D. said parents shoul...
It's no secret that the U.S. has been plagued with several illness outbreaks lately. The Ebola scare seems to be the first to come to mind, now the most recent, Legionnaire's in New York City, is dominating the news today. These are not the only on...
Washington - A new study by the Centers for Disease Control has found that the common "get well" card is the leading carrier of the deadly Ebola virus. The government health agency has issued emergency usage guidelines in response. "Your typical g...
Washington - The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have issued an urgent advisory, calling on Americans to wash their hands carefully after voting in this year's midterm elections. The procedure is called the Pontius Pilate Gambit, af...
ATLANTA, GA--The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) today issued a Level 3 warning against a new, potentially contagious virus it is calling FNV, or the FOX News Virus. The FNV, explained Dr. Samuel Grimes of the CDC, is highly communicable, especial…
The Ebola outbreak has set off an alarm around the world. Public health leaders say the intense concern is appropriate, given the unprecedented size of the outbreak and the deadliness of the virus. All experts say the outbreak has also produced a...
A British man who contracted Ebola while on a pirates holiday in sierra Leone has recovered from his coma after twenty eight days. Alfred Smith a retired bus conductor said he feels fine after his month of unconsciousness although not technically a m...
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