"How ya feeling?" Don't ever ask a person over the age of sixty-five this question! There was a cartoon in the New Yorker magazine circa 1950's. It showed this very bedraggled couple of undetermined age in a dirty pot filled kitchen with the plaster falling off the walls. He was un-shaven, clothes disheveled, and his mouth slack. She was in a house dress with unkempt hair and yellowed teeth.
MINNETONKA, MN - UnitedHealth Group, Inc. President and CEO, Stephen J. Hemsley announced today that UnitedHealth Group will purchase Philip Morris USA Inc., an Altria company for $674,986,685,999,324.67. "UnitedHealth Group is the largest healthc...
New NHS guidelines for tackling childhood obesity have been unveiled. The measures are to be introduced with immediate effect. It will now be a criminal offence for dieticians to write to parents to advise their child may be "fat", "obese" or a "s...
We've been told to count calories if we want to control our weight. But now we need to do even more counting, according to a new weight control strategy recommended by the specialist counting agency Counts 'R'Us. They say that if we expend exactly...
The FDA released a report that had been compiled by FDA Research Assistant J. Herman Petersilge of Iona, New York, which offers a scenario where self cleaning ovens are a cause of stomach disorders. "It was right there in front of us all the time,...
A new exercise, thought to have been developed by followers of Genghis Khan, has been causing great excitement on the internet. As illustrated by a follower of the new fashion, Scatthi Scactum, it consists of the practitioner holding the neck of t...
Drink-spiking drug and racoon laxative, Rohypnol, actually counts as one of your five-a-day according to sometimes sex offender, Gavin McCloroform. Gavin, a thirty-eight-year-old dietician from Cardiff, claims the drug is misunderstood and with t...
A new poll released by Mayo Clinic this morning reveals that thirty-seven percent of the adult US population has Shit for Brains! In an unprecedented move Fox News and MSNBC News are claiming that the poll is biased, provocative, and blasphemous. The...
President Obama disclosed today, in a speech made in Yuma, Arizona before a group of culinary students at the Taco Institute of America, that recent studies on obesity, have directly contributed obesity to gun use in our country. "When a person has a...
Manny Horkle's wife Bunny said she first noticed a problem when Manny suddenly stopped functioning while the couple was taking an evening walk. "We were walking along and, all of a sudden, he just froze and his left eye began twitching rapidly,"...
Wink Packard spends most of his time watching television, particularly news programs. But it's not the news he tunes in for, it's the pharmaceutical commercials. "I really like the drug commercials," he said, adding that he tries out each one of th...
Doctors in the small town of Flooters Bend have announced that a baby with a Phillips head butt crack was born in a local hospital yesterday, a never-before seen occurrence. "It's unique, alright," said Dr. Lionel Shizzmer, the doctor who delivered...
Health experts say an Obama administration plan requiring patients to undergo routine physical examinations via Skype is drawing objections from the public. The proposal is part of the administration's controversial healthcare plan and White Hou...
Louie Toon said he just wanted to get "groomed up" to surprise his girlfriend, but now the 27-year-old man is facing major reattachment surgery following a tragic accident while undergoing a Brazilian waxing treatment. "The first time they rippe...
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Some of the hottest celebrities in Tinseltown have been spotted with shopping carts full of expired foods from their local grocery stores in a strange effort to get on board the latest weight loss epidemic - food poisoning. Accord...
Six workers at a local cryogenics storage facility are out of a job after being caught bowling with frozen human heads early Tuesday morning. Police say a security guard heard laughing and shouting around 3:00am and discovered the intoxicated wo...
A national association of finger doctors said today that e-readers like the Kindle and Nook are taking away a large segment of their business. "We used to treat dozens of patients with paper cuts on their fingers from books and magazines each da...
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