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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Purloined Budgerigar, Part Seven Of Seven

Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Purloined Budgerigar, Part Seven Of Seven

The voice of my friend Shylock Humes was like an icicle snapping in January in the Fenlands. "No, Inspector, it simply will not do", he said. "Mr Herring", he continued, addressing the ancient butler of Pwthylliggrionngngrdngnadd Hall, "Inspector Stanley Livingstone-Stanley may be said to have a well-constructed case against you in the matter of the death of Lord Clinker of Llandrinndrbdriod...

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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Purloined Budgerigar, Part Six

Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Purloined Budgerigar, Part Six

My friend Mr Shylock Humes was in determined mood, now that he could see his way forward. He was always more determined when he could see his way forward than when he could only see backwards. "There is no time to be lost", he cried. "The game's afoot. To the Drawling Room once more!" "Why did you repeat yourself Humes?" I asked, somewhat perplexed. "You said that at the end of Part Five."...

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Funny story: Beware Of Armed Men Wearing Boiler Suits And Balaclavas - Police Warn

Beware Of Armed Men Wearing Boiler Suits And Balaclavas - Police Warn

The police today warned members of the public to be a bit wary should they encounter armed men wearing boiler suits and balaclavas. A police statement alleged that armed men thus attired were highly unlikely to be popping up the shops for a daily pap...

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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Purloined Budgerigar, Part Five

Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Purloined Budgerigar, Part Five

I looked at my friend Shylock Humes, and then at the huddled figure in the leather armchair. "Dead, Humes?" I ejaculated. It was all right, the butler had a cloth I could use. "No, Flotsam", answered my friend Shylock Humes. "I am not dead - though, in view of the paltry audience we get for this rubbish, I may as well be. No, I mean the figure in this leather armchair. His Lordship. He is qu...

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Funny story: Local Man Pissed After Yobs Rampage Through Quiet Retirement Community!

Local Man Pissed After Yobs Rampage Through Quiet Retirement Community!

A quiet retired man, Melvin Wordsmithe, although he advised that he prefers his nickname "Wally" to Melvin, or Mel, awoke to find his tranquil neighborhood awash in plainclothes police after a late night rampage by local yobs the night before. W...

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Funny story: Crime Figures Update

Crime Figures Update

The Association of Chief Police Officers yesterday released their annual statement. A source was pleased to announce that the number of serious crimes reported to the police fell last year, while there was a similar reduction in minor offences report...

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Funny story: OAP Ninjas (Pinjas) Crime Fighters

OAP Ninjas (Pinjas) Crime Fighters

Ann Timpson the 71 year old wrinkly who many of us saw tackling hammer wielding robbers is not who she appears to be, but rather just one of a crack team of OAP Ninjas (referred to as Pinjers) hired by the Metropolitan Police. Ann Timpson is in fact a multi-millionaire having inherited her wealth from her families shoe empire. She was shipped off to China when she was just 8 years old and there...

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Funny story: Death Wish 5?

Death Wish 5?

A handbag heroine has apparently fought off robbers armed with sledgehammers as they attempted a smash-and-grab raid at a jewellery store in Northampton. An elderly passer by, Mikhail Hussain O'Reilley aged 77, immediately shit himself in excitem...

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Funny story: Asbos On The Way Out

Asbos On The Way Out

Following constant and large scale criticism of Anti Social Behaviour Orders (otherwise known as ASBOs), the coalition government has finally announced replacement measures aimed at ridding the U.K. of one of the greatest scourges of the 21st Century...

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Funny story: Moral Guardians Blame Education for Youth Crime

Moral Guardians Blame Education for Youth Crime

LONDON - Books. TV. Films. Video-games. Now, education. What do they have in common? They're all blamed for teen violence. It's education's turn, which is total irony. History lessons are bearing the brunt of the forces of moral guardians, however...

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Funny story: Police Crime Website Poses Problems

Police Crime Website Poses Problems

A controversial website appears to have been hacked into by cyber criminals. When In Seine News researched the level of crime in the surrounding streets of a pub in Shrewsbury, he found, first of all, that there was no page - which seems to imply...

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Funny story: Crash Horror in Crime Wave

Crash Horror in Crime Wave

The interactive website providing street by street information on CRIME IN YOUR AREA has crashed after a chase through the streets of Birmingham. Police are not saying how many people have been injured or killed in the crash but ambulances from ot...

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Funny story: Richard Simmons' Tweet Causes Massive Crimewave

Richard Simmons' Tweet Causes Massive Crimewave

Richard Simmons singlehandedly caused a spike in vending machine theft when he tweeted a Wall Street Journal article about recession-fueled vandalism. The article focused on hi-tech crime prevention techniques, but may end up causing more thefts...

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Funny story: Eight year-old goes on shooting rampage in Supermarket

Eight year-old goes on shooting rampage in Supermarket

Chaos reigned for a short and bloody time at a local supermarket in Halibut as an eight year old indulged on a vicious shooting rampage, armed with an imaginary machine gun and a pack of fifteen imaginary grenades, inflicting maximum casualties.

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Funny story: Shylock Humes: The hound of the Basketvills: Part almost the last

Shylock Humes: The hound of the Basketvills: Part almost the last

After a good nights sleep, the three men emerged from the dank gloom of the inn. Eager to get going, Graves hailed the stable lad and requested thier horses be saddled. The stable lad spoke. "You ate them last night" "Wot do you mean, we ate them last night?" ask Graves. "You ordered steak and chippings didnt you? Where do you think we got the steak from, Tesco?" laughed the lad. "Lets go...

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Funny story: Roomba Robot Released that Can Clear Up Street Crime

Roomba Robot Released that Can Clear Up Street Crime

LONDON - At a demonstration in the city's notourious East End, iRobot showcased their new 'bot. iRobot who also make the Roomba, the self-vacuuming robot for the home, will sell the new Cityba, which can clear up street crime with efficiency and s...

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Funny story: Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Purloined Budgerigar, Part Four

Shylock Humes And The Case Of The Purloined Budgerigar, Part Four

We looked around the room. Shylock Humes was conspicuous by his absence. The Turkish cushions where he had been smoking lay in a shapeless heap in the corner. Well, that is not strictly accurate. It was a heap-shaped heap. But the cushions were definitely in it. That much is true. The fire had gone out. It was always doing that, without telling us where it was going. No doubt it would come cree...

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