The United Nations Language Unification Commission last night ended its long deliberations over which dialect of the English language should become the standard for The New Word Order. The head of the commission, Sir Tain Toby Adaftbuga, in our re...
A Crystal Palace man, who must remain nameless for legal reasons, started to speak fluently in the K'Naggit language of the Bakongo people of Angola when a boil on his backside burst. His wife Susan, a language teacher, thought she recognised some wo...
The letters Z and S appeared on Friday's Jonathan Dross Show, to talk about their long-running and widely-publicised feud. Z was the first guest to appear, and after plugging his new book - 'It ain't Ezee being a Zed' - the letter angrily denounce...
The ever staid and formal folk of John Bulls Island have never been big fans of the apostrophe. Similes, metaphors even synedoche and metanome have been among the favorite figures of speech of Britishers, but the apostrophe was simply never their cup...
In an effort to encourage more children to take their GCSE English exam, the JMB have announced that they will now allow fifteen and sixteen year old children to submit their papers in TxtSpk. It has been widely acknowledged that the literacy of t...
In a constant effort to augment revenues and to solve a multitude of social problems, New Jersey officials today announced the implementation of a new "Syntax." "The way this works," the Governor proudly explained, "is that anytime some one makes a s...
Aberdeen - Local farmer Miles McDonough claims to be the first person in the world to teach a pig to speak English. Mr. McDonough made his claim on the weekend at the Jolly Friar Pub. Alec Goodwin from Guinness was there to certify the event a world...
Holler Ridge, Mississippi resident Larry "Bubba" Armstrong was slow to react to sensationalist television reports about a possible attack by Middle East terrorists because he couldn't quite get what the announcer said. "Shoot fire, I knowed it was...
An elderly shopkeeper told yesterday how she scared off two knife wielding raiders by using a stream of swear words. Brave Joan Barlow, 69, decided that the only way to fight off the yobs was to use offensive language. The balaclava-clad pair,...
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania - Mearriam-Webster Books Incorporated has announced that the new 2010 editions of their best-selling dictionary will include a complete list of numbers, from 1 to 100,000 featured in the edition. "You can imagine how t...
Millions of devout Scrabble players have been descending on the Saudi Arabian city of Qaid, to take part in that holiest of Scrabble activities, the haj. Some were arriving on zhos, specially imported from the Himalayas to transport them in their sea...
Many phrases within the English Language are said to be re-thought due to the Credit Crunch. The saying 'You can't afford to miss this' when in reference to Television or a bargain product will become 'You can probably live very well without this'...
The apostrophe is to be scrapped and all punctuation in fact after a survey showed that the entire country had no bloody clue how to use it (or even gave a shit). The decision comes after a survey found last week that Britons would rather watch St...
This was the question that a man with a really high pitched squeaky voice posed to reporters in a branch of Jock Donald's near Marble Arch. The anguished looking man spoke intelligently, articulately, and passionately, stating that people simply w...
Superstar Brad Pitt is looking to change his name as he is fed up with it being used as rhyming slang for s**t. It is not known yet what name he will choose. Legendary singer Eartha Kitt, 81, has also decided to change her name for the same rea...
Secretary of State nominee Hillary Rodham Clinton is said to be advocating a change from English, as the first language, to Jive. She announced: "You know this will save all sorts of money when we no longer have to send out, you know, unemploymen...
Amongst the paraphernalia accompanying British tennis sensation, Andy Murray, on his journey to his Winter training ground in Miami this year, is an important piece of interactive software - 'Teach Yourself Gaelic Swearwords'. "Och, we're [bleep]...
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