London - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): Monday 15 June and it's all over bar the shitting for the world's longest running badass tribute act. At around 7.50 GMT the mighty gas giant Jupiter stands still in the heavens at 27 degrees Aquarius, sign of...
In a report published today, scientists based at the University of California (Los Angeles) claim that research has proven horoscopes to be accurate. In a striking section of the 600-page document, a survey of Taurus and Gemini subjects activities...
San Ramon, Ca - (Big Oil Mess): Wednesday spells Doomsday for Ecuadorean mobster conspirators Trillium Asshole Management in their sudden death shoot-out challenge at the Chevron AGM. The day's stupendous Jupiter-Neptune conjunction occurs at...
Libras Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand-painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities. Libra is symbolized by the...
Cheltenham - (Equine Ass Mess): The Queen has been warned about the perils of running her top equine vanity project the 16-1 Cheltenham Gold Cup contender Barbers Slop this Friday the 13th of March. Palace racing advisers fear the seven year-old w...
The Cosmos - (Special Sick Relationship Mess): Sunday's awesome Sun/Saturn opposition is being hailed as the ultimate omen that the credit crunch's evil queen bee is about to go belly-up. The Pisces/Virgo clash occurs at 19.52GMT in a spooky numer...
Japanese Climate Scientis, Saki Inbiba, has poured scorn on the findings of the International Panel on Climate Change that climate change is man-made, and currently in step with the most pessimistic of climate models. Inbiba, who leads the Tokyo U...
An Appeal Court in California has been asked to review a murder conviction on the basis that the jury reached its verdict after following some Tarot readings in the jury room while no one else was looking. Actually only four were involved in the r...
Washington AC/DC - (Whitewater/Blackwater Mess): Democratic Party central casting is cocking a very haughty, toxic snook at fever-pitch warnings that January 20th's apolcalyptic astrology will upstage their Inauguration Day circus freakshow. The...
Washington AC/DC - (AssoCIAted Mess): The Joint Congressional Committee on Inaugural Ceremonies has confirmed today that the astrologically-sensitive January 20th Presidential Inauguration Date was picked for 'special relationship' reasons. "The C...
Washington AC/DC - (ReUterus & Ass Mess): A messy Inauguration Day solar conjunction with retrograde Mercury in the first degree of Aquarius will vindicate predictions for a chaotic start to the Obama Administration. The Skull 'n' Bones Club w...
LONDON - Famous astrologer Crystal Ballz says "things do not look good for Pakistan". Ms. Ballz is well-known for her famous predictions including the election of Barck Obama, the breakup of Madonna and Guy Ritchie and the birth of the Brangelina tw...
The Cosmos - (Hellfire Club Mess): The Oracle has spoken. Next weekend's apocalyptic Sun/Pluto conjunction Winter Solstice will seal Barack Obama's fate. According to psychic loss adjustors on the payroll of the Ancient American Order of the Sk...
London - (Grateful Dead Sea Scrolls Mess): Armageddon watchers are holding their breath ahead of Monday 8 December's apocalyptical Feast of the Immaculate Deception which coincides with the Sanskrit holy day of Bodhi or the Enlightenment of Spoof! w...
New York - (Merovingian Dy-Nasty Mess): Soothsayers at NY's Roosevelt Island Temple of Nemesis have issued a bitter-sweet warning about Monday's stunning Saint Eligius Day Saturn-trining Moon/Venus/Jupiter conjunction that falls at 22 degrees Capric...
Roosevelt Island, New York - (Cosmic Mess): The most awesome astrological event of the 21st century is set to take place on Thanksgiving Day this week according to skywatchers bivouacked at a top secret UN hideaway on the north-western tip of Rooseve...
The Cosmos - (Astrological Mess): As Venus, planet of love, wealth and extraordinary good fortune begins her annual ingress into the sign of Capricorn a balefull cosmic T-square is forming in the heavens ahead of Thursday's apocalyptic Taurus Full Mo...
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