Although he got some expensive aftershave from girlfriend Lauren, Kevin Smith, a 31-year-old sewage worker still smells as bad as he always has done. ‘Yes’ said Lauren on her blog ‘I bought Kevin some aftershave that was advertised by an actor or…
As people across the country are starting their new year diets, one woman has found a hilarious and original way to eat chocolate and stick to her diet by posting on Fakebook 'Look everyone, having my five a day, LOL' accompanied by a photo of a half…
Popular eighties beat combo, Limahl, are looking forward to heading out on their next tour, aptly named The Pointless Tour. 'Yes' said the band's manager 'we saw that the equally popular Tears for Fears had named their next live jaunt 'The Tipping…
A 54-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London has told a local newspaper that a recent search on a genealogy site revealed that his late father was a brutal torturer in the feared Nazi secret police, the Gestapo. Speaking from his home in Brus…
Chutney on the Fritz's best-loved couple, Gary and Lorraine Johnson know that 2022 will already have peaked by the end of the next series of Death in Paradise. They know that 16-year-old son Thomas will still be mooning over Sarah, an old school f…
How expensive is the Radio Times? £5.25, that is how expensive the radio times is. I don't know how expensive it was last year, but it seems to be very expensive. I mean, I know when the programmes I will be watching are on. The Queen at three on…
A couple in Chutney on the Fritz has asked for the return of a beloved family heirloom. Gary and Lorriane Johnson, well known on these pages for their various travails, have blogged about their most recent one. 'We were playing with Frisbee in the…
History Buff Henry Worthington was disappointed at a recent event, presented by Jethro Tull that there was no discussion about the Seed drill. The event, was a concert by the popular progressive rock band Jethro Tull, and not a lecture about the f…
Your computer knows all about you. It knows your search history, your innermost soul, and what you think. Sometimes, it doesn't freeze due to performing an illegal action, or because too many tabs are open. Sometimes, it just plays you up to piss…
Gavin Williamson, an eleven-year-old T-shirt, emblazoned with the name of a long-forgotten Indie band knows that his days are numbered. 'Yes,' said the forlorn piece of clothing. 'My best days are behind me. My owner used to wear me all of the tim…
Although Government ministers are blaming a rise in crime on the fact that Dr Who is now played by a woman, at least one teenager has been encouraged to turn his back on crime by Jodie Whitaker taking over the Tardis. Brian Jones said 'I am Hudder…
Christmas Tree bauble Gavin Williamson is now missing the loft, and it is all he bangs on about on Twitter. 'Yes,' the silvery ball of nonsense wittered 'I really miss the loft. I mean, don't get me, wrong I love the tree as well, being the centre…
Having spent the past eleven months in training, tinsel Helen Worthington feels she is at long last tree body ready. 'Yes,' said Helen in her surprisingly deep voice, 'every year, when I go up in the loft, I always put on a few extra grams, but la…
Gary Johnson, a 45-year-old family man from Chutney on the Fritz, is far too excited about his new slippers. 'Yes' said Gary 'of all of the slippers I have owned, these are the best ones. They may only be cheap, I bought them from Tescos, when I w…
Lionel Bridgewater has spent the evening laughing his head off at a comedy club. There was the comedian who had appeared on Mock The Week once, seven years ago, a left-leaning late teenager, and a right-wing bloke in his forties, telling it like i…
Hello, Ray Ving, again. You may remember me from Radio River, Radio Sewage Works, and the Podcast Thoughts in my Shed. I am 79 you know, told old for all of this bullshit. Anyway, my question is this: Will there be Snow this year? If there is, why…
There was shock and consternation in Chutney on the Fritz, when it was revealed that the beloved local odd-ball Brian Asshat hasn't updated his Facebook page for three days. Writing on his wall, his friend Felicity Dowager asked 'Has anyone seen B…
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