Sandringham House - (Rioters): "Hahaha, bet you fifty squid I'll live to 100!" But Old Fatty Mountbatten's confident riposte today has seen Hellfire Club astrologers rush to their online Ephemeris tables to check for the Doomsday Alignment in HM'...
London - (Off-the-Wall-Street): The 07.11GMT occultation at 25 degrees Capricorn is expected to be the defining moment of the new decade. The dramatic celestial floorshow will be followed swiftly by the 09.02am suspension of global markets as a fl...
London - (Epifanny): Lords of Misrule comedians in Downing Street beware. Splayed deceptive low in the skies above Buckingham Palace the brilliant Twelfth Night conjunction augurs a grim and long-awaited bloody good riddance. Like the notorious...
The Cosmos - (Winter Triangle): Thursday night's partially eclipsed full moon will be the first New Year's Eve Blue Moon for nineteen years. At 19.13GMT it will straddle the winter sky in a trajectory cutting across the Beehive Cluster, Big Oil's...
Hester Chester, psychic and astrologer, has after years of effort discovered a new sign of the Zodiac. 'My predictions were always just a little bit off', she said. 'I knew there had to be another factor at work.' That factor, it turns out, was...
Sandringham, Norfuk - (YuleBeSorry!): A karmic Sun/Pluto conjunction on Christmas Eve is needling Hellfire Club fatcats. Paranoid that it may trigger the Coronation Oath harakiri clause the ancient monarchy-meddling cult is on suicide-pact standby...
The Cosmos - (Armageddinouttahere!): Wiccas' harshest equivalent of a Federal Emergency Management Agency executive order was issued today. The astrology warning by the Global Sabbath Council says Monday's Yuletide solstice will will be a monster.
Washington - (AC/DC): UK politicians once dubbed Barack Obama Africa's diamond geezer. Now, however, they're not so sure amid transatlantic numerology backlash fears as Neptune, planet of illusion and toxic hubris, finally ends its retrograde cyc...
London - (Dark Side of the Moonies): "It's the World War I numeorology that's cracking them up," a Hellfire Club bouncer warned today ahead of Monday's 19.14GMT lunation. The cult grandees' secret conclave has been in freefall ever since NASA bomb...
London - (Autumn Rectangle): Astrologers are warning of a disastrous ripple-effect on Sunday's Libra New Moon following NASA's wanton act of lunar vandalism last week. The Jet Convulsion Laboratory LCROSS rocket hit a strategic faultline in the bi...
London - (Armageddinouttahere): Sixty years of the Chinese People's Military Dictatortship and the starry line up looks bollox for global corruption. In London the Serious Fraud Office is poised to nail the ass of UK weapons manufacturer BAe Syst...
Stonehenge - (Drew-ids): ...takes place on Tuesday. The next morning, World Wiccan Council sources have said, all hell can be expected to break loose as the nascent Sun in Libra squares up to Pluto in Capricorn. "This could mean something horrib...
London - (IVF Observer): Followers of pre-Islamic tantric sex goddess and Miss Fertile Crescent 500BC Al-Lat have renamed key dates in the Wiccan lunar calendar ahead of this Friday's apocalyptic Virgo new moon. The almanac forms the basis of vir...
Space - (Celestial Mess): It could be very messy, very pus-sy indeed for President Obama's 48th birthday next Tuesday. That's the overwhelming astrological prognosis as a large, shining pustule appeared on the surface of Venus just weeks after a m...
London - (Rioters): Tuesday's world premiere of Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince will take place under the wickedly deceptive forces of the eclipsed Capricorn full moon, children's stories hoaxer JK Rowling has been warned. The former IRA...
Los Angeles - (Hellfire Club Mess): An awesome lunar eclipse in the sign of Capricorn plus 'terrifying' 7/7 numerology are making US/UK specious relationshp string-pullers very, very twitchy indeed ahead of the Michael Jackson funeral circus. "7/7...
Many people believe that it is a lot of hocus-pocus or ambiguous shenanigans. But for one Sri Lankan astrologer, it got him into serious trouble with the authorities. Chandrasiri Bandara accurately predicted the downfall of a government in Septem...
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