A White House insider who has defected to Russia, has revealed a horrible and disgusting secret. The toilets in The White House have stank constantly since January 20th, 2009 The defector who remains unnamed, revealed these details to British,...
A local man recognized a turd from his family reunion recently when his toilet overflowed unexpectedly. "He seemed familiar to me," said the man, "Like he made a big splash and didn't go quietly. I knew this turd well. He had holed up inside of...
A comic book is a magazine, rarely a book, printed on cheap newsprint or toilet tissue, which is rarely funny, or "comic," so it should be renamed, but those in the industry are lazy, preferring to draw poorly executed pictures that illustrate barely literate narratives (stories) in bold and fancy fonts. Due to the imbecilic level of their "reader's" intelligence and literacy, these magazines a...
Residents of Newport are facing a bleak few days as the Newport Union of Dog Exercisers have unanimously agreed to go strike. "Industrial action is the only recourse for our members," said Jack Russell, head of NUDE. "In real terms, the amount we...
Controversial street artist Banksy has unveiled an 8ft wall painting of a masturbating baby made entirely of his own shit. The piece entitled "Waaaaa Waaaaa Wanky" which is the first of seven excrement-based pieces Banksy intends to produce; will...
A Japanese scientist has developed the worlds first food group made from human excrement. Mitsuyuki Ikeda, a researcher from the Okayama Laboratory, found that sewage mud has a lot of protein in it, beef has a lot of protein in it so why not comb...
Scientists studying dung beetles rolling their balls of dung from A to B have discovered they are guided by the Milky Way and passing comets. This amazing discovery has now lead to proof that dung beetles and other insects actually star gaze includin...
After the stunning success of Sir Alex Ferguson having his statue revealed at the Theatre of Dreams in Manchester, the United Nations, FIFA and Jaggedone (who?), have decided to erect statues to some of the world's greatest arseholes in places where masses of pigeons (and other birds) can shit all over them (SAF is not an arsehole BTW!). The statues would then become symbols of human madness an...
WELLINGTON, New Zealand (ABSNN) - A court in this New Zealand city ruled today that "this country is a Horseshit Free Zone." The ruling came on the heels of the arrest of an anti-monarchist, Sam Bracanov, a seventy-six year old man who made it c...
"When you gotta go, you gotta go," was Peter Piper's only defense to accusations that he pooped in public in a plastic pumpkin pail. Piper has previous prosecutions for peeing in public (after drinking excessively to cool his mouth after eating pe...
HARFOLD, Vt. - Scientists at Harfold State College have come to some very different conclusions than their colleagues at the University of Oregon as to what a piece of 13,000 year-old poop means to the history of North America. "Our Oregonian coll...
Leading pro-life groups have extended their anti-abortion campaign to post-Eucharistic stools. According to the pro-lifers, it is a "blasphemous, anti-life abomination" to empty one's bowels within 48 hours of consuming the body of Christ during reli...
VATICAN - Our mole on the Vatican guard issued an encrypted communique to our news desk minutes ago. The Pope's butler is being charged with being totally responsible for recent leaks. The leaks have been quite embarrassing for the Pope, who de...
Washington, DC - The President held a surprise press conference this morning for a small group of reporters. There he was asked if he really knew where he was born. "I can't actually remember where I was born", the President replied to the report...
They rap on and on, but those 'songs' the rappers spill from their lips and their hips just seem to go in circles that lead nowhere. Isn't it time they finally listened to non-rap brother Aaron Neville and just 'Tell It Like It Is"? (Rap these refrains to any ol' music that comes into your head.) I want bling, bling is everything I wear bling on my ear so long as it doesn't make me...
Ever since NASA raced to put men in the moon, critics have been questioning the need for the space programme. No longer! Space boffins have finally silenced the nay-sayers by using satellite technology to find where penguins go to relieve thems...
From the same scientist that gave us the study "Is a frog's ass water tight?" We have a new study of a common American cliché, Does a bear shit in the woods? "My dad was always making these comments that made me wonder if there was any truth to t...
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