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"999 What's Your Emer...Ah Fuck It"

A shocking new report has found that over one million crimes a year aren’t even investigated by the police. To people who enjoy stealing cheap bottles of cider, this is great news! But, for those of us who expect our law enforcement to do a semi comp...

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The Emergency Emergency Budget

*Warning May Contain Strong Language* Smug Tory fuck bag, Phillip Hammond, has admitted he’s preparing a “emergency budget” if Theresa May lives up to her early promise and sends Britain crashing out of the EU with “no deal”. Sources close to P...

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Manchesters Marketing Reach

As crisis club Manchester United lurch from one disaster to another on the pitch, their marketing team have been adding dozens of feathers to their already impressively-feathered cap. Moments after United’s impressively-tepid 0-0 draw with Valenci...

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Thoughts from The Right

Theresa May has frozen talks with the EU over Brexit as EU leaders have again put obstacles in the way of her finest hour. European fat cats have once again stopped Theresa from “cherry picking” which EU principles she wants the UK to be involved wit...

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TV Attack

According to new mindblowing (but not much else) research, “TV Sets kill your sex life”. Like any normal wide-eyed, shouty Brexiteer, we didn’t bother reading the story, we just asked random people for their reactions to the unfolding drama. Fred...

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Vagueness of Vegas

In yet another of our hard hitting yet softly satisfying interviews we asked international comedic superstar, Johnny Vegas, for the secrets behind his dramatic weight loss. Johnny, who has lost “loads of weight” in the last year, clearly wasn’t th...

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Operation YellowHammer waiting in the Brexit wings

Secret plans to cut public spending and increase the suffocating grip of austerity round the throat of the UK were leaked today. The plans codenamed “Operation Yellowhammer” will come into force if Britain leaves the EU with a “no deal” agreement. Th...

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The Pre-Season Games

Professional “bitcher” and part time Manchester United manager, Jose Mourinho, has claimed unless he’s allowed to sign all the players he wants, United could have a “very difficult season”. He is quoted as saying: "My CEO knows what I want. I k...

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Froomes Zoom Juice

Funny story: Froomes Zoom Juice

Chris Froome will be allowed to race in the Tour De France after all doping charges against him were dropped. Prosecutors said: "No one fucking watches cycling anyway so who cares?" The four time Tour winner has been under investigation for 7 m...

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Sold Out Gig

Religious fans all over the world will be disappointed to hear that tickets for the Popes visit to Knock Shrine in Country Mayo have sold out! The Pope, who is on a greatest hits tour, will play the Shrine for two dates from the 25th of August this y...

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England V Panama

A dominant display from England saw them trounce a hapless Panamanian side 6-1. Goals from Stones (2) Kane (3) and Lingard ensured England wrapped up their biggest win at a World Cup without breaking a sweat. Of course after this superb England...

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Detention Center Horror

Funny story: Detention Center Horror

Pictures have emerged from the USA of detention centers where people desperately seeking a better life have their children torn from them and thrown into cages. Land of the Free indeed. Obviously the US President, Mr Trump, couldn’t give a flying...

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Tracing the source of an unwanted bank deposit

Funny story: Tracing the source of an unwanted bank deposit

A repeated anonymous donor from Stoke has been thrown out of his home by his wife. John Ewes, 42, occasional smoker, had been donating to local sperm banks for 22 years and had never once informed his wife. Mary Ewes, 42, smoker (we think she was...

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Police force report shows "significant improvement"

The police watchdog announced on Tuesday “Woof, woof, woof.” No, not really, we just thought we’d open with a joke because the world is such a terrible place full of shit and hate right now. Stark, but true. A police watchdog has actually said: "H...

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End Of Season Review

After a weekend of sporting drama both at home and on the continent, it is with great pleasure that Back and to the Left news can announce that Doncaster Captain, James Coppinger, has signed a new one year deal with the club. The new contract, wi...

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Space Threats Rain Down on Post-Brexit UK

The UK’s defence secretary has declared that we must be “ready to counter threats from space”. He made the announcement after watching Starship Troopers and posting a live Vlog of him standing on ants. The UK has proved itself incapable of dealing...

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Cup Final Review

Despite spending the GDP of a medium sized country Manchester United manager, Jose Mourinho, has ended the season as empty handed as the homeless people who were forced out of Windsor for the Royal wedding. The final itself was an affair completely d...

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Wedding Undress? or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love The Royal Wedding

As the big day draws near speculation is reaching fever pitch and only one question is on the countries lips: What will Megan wear on the big day? Many experts and commentators have thrown their speculation around like jizz at an orgy and a pleth...

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Breaking news…

Trump Says Democrats Should Thank Him for Being Such A Terrible President

...Because they never would've won the House by such a wide margin without him!
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