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Trump Now Also President of Egypt

President Donald Trump now claims to be part Egyptian after a new mummy was uncovered. Noted the President, "Look! It's old, wrinkly, shriveled, and orange! Just like me!"

Putin Has Stopped Taking Trump's Calls

Even soul-less, sociopathic dictators have their limits.

Jimmy Johns Employee Injured in Freak Accident

"It all happened so quickly", he explains from bed at urgent care clinic.

Dyslexic Christian Gets Boner Again

And, in related news, a dyslexic agnostic in New Jersey is still not certain as to whether there's a dog or not.

Senate Demos Now Blaming Kavanaugh for Hurricane Florence

Booker,Feinstein,& Harris blame the SOTUS candidate for causing Florence's attack on the Carolina Coast.There's a "secret letter" from Valhalla charging the Judge with cursing Thor when in pre-school.

Fox News Says Trump Has Sent Hurricane Florence to East Coast to Punish Them

In no way was Fox News trying to deflect the public's attention away from Trump's legal problems.

Serena Williams' Motive for On-Court Behavior Revealed

The US Open umpire didn't realize that for Serena, it was nothing personal. She was simply auditioning to join the cast of The View.

Ex-Emperor Goes on the Airwaves with Desperate Message

Ousted Potentate Obama on TV demands a coup to reinstate his self-proclaimed throne,to return to "teaching moments" for all unwashed 'deplorables',& to get Queen Sheba Susan Rice back in the Hot Tub..

Redneck Torches Own Pubic Hair

Apparently, an astute sales clerk, on noticing her customer's MAGA hat, quickly stitched an extra NIKE logo onto the crotch of the gym shorts he was about to purchase -- and waited.

Self-Driving Car Hits Moonwalking Pedestrian

Apparently, the car's computer had difficulty determining which way the pedestrian was moving. For safety's sake, it is recommended that moonwalkers wear their hats backwards, until further notice.