DALLAS – (Satire News) – Milly Dellapicker, 28, recently told her gynecologist that she has a unique ability to give herself multiple orgasms simply by thinking about an eggplant. Milly says she's still single, and has been giving herself dozens o…
"Pizza can be a foundational part of a healthy diet, and adding just a little more tomato sauce can help Americans inch that much closer to their five recommended daily servings of vegetables," said Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Brett Gir...
Washington DC - Due to salmonella contamination, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) announced a recall of all turnips today, causing quite a stir with Nobody. "I can't believe this is happening. Turnips are the tastiest food ever, so I'm prett...
Sandra Larkin of Nashville, Tennessee, has exponentially upped her intake of greens, calcium and protein by incorporating a daily specialty smoothie into her morning routine. Larkin highly recommends her chocolate peanut butter smoothie to anyone int...
High-level discussions have been taking place on an agricultural estate in Lincolnshire this afternoon, with regard to what people would call a lettuce if it wasn't already known as a lettuce. For those who are not 'in the know', an agricultural e...
A new study recently published by the Joint Center for Nutrition and Oceanics recently reported that people aren't eating nearly enough seaweed. “It's alarming,” stated JCNO Director John Griebel. “We'd assumed that most Americans were consuming s...
SOCHI, RUSSIA - Russian Olympic Officials announced today they are adding a special parade to the closing ceremonies of the winter Olympics. Alexi Grasmik, spokesman for the organizers said, "To honor Mother Russia and show the world the strength...
The government has announced a crackdown on suggestively-shaped vegetables following numerous complains from the public. In one incident, Olive Lilley from North Kensington had an unfortunate encounter with a phallic potato. Lilley, 82, had just o...
Simon Cowell, high trousered music mogul and inventor of the sarcastic put-down to already inferior people, has sensationally revealed the secret to his fantastic success in everything he does. Parsnips. That's right, parsnips. And lot's of them.
Shocking results of a new study that looked at the effects of diet on life span are shaking up dieticians and health care workers worldwide. Published in the March Journal of Diet and Health Environment, the study showed that there is an undeniable...
Local farmer Arthur Choke, better known as Artie, caused a stir at the annual Edinburgh vegetable show yesterday. Farmer Choke, famed for his prize giant cucumbers, withdrew his competition entry, drawing speculation from other competitors. Whe...
Dentists across the UK are opposed to government measures to increase the so-called 5-a-day, and want the opposite. "We need Britons to reduce to three a day, or even two a day," said Denby Twist of the Dorking Dentistry School. "The last thing we...
Horatio Hepplewhite, a cabbage farmer from Lincolnshire has resorted to holding out a begging bowl in the streets of London, following this year's catastrophic cabbage crop failure. "I was expecting to harvest about a hundred tons of cabbages," He...
Environmentalists and farmers issued an ominous statement on Sunday, to the effect that not only is the UK facing a double dip recession, but the nation is also likely to be blighted by a serious shortage of cabbages. One observer cited a shortage...
Worcestershire - Autumn gales have battered the ancient Spa town famous for its Dead Sea-comparable salinity and carnal - er..canal! - marina developments. This morning 75mp gusts decimated the local allotment society's show gardens sending severa...
A Dorking vegetable grower has barricaded himself in his garden shed after being accused of stealing rhubarb from an adjoining allotment. Retired maths teacher Cyril Nonce, aged 88, had been reported to the police by his vigilant next door neighbo...
The British government has come up with a unique plan to raise funds by adding a Calorie Added Tax to all food stuff. This CAT is directly related to the calorie content of food such that one calorie equals one pence. Whilst this will have little...
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