Old Angus McGuiness was absolutely convinced he was he was having the initial signs of a stroke, but with help from a keen 911 operator, he was found to be OK over the phone. "I called 911 because all the words on the television screen were comple…
Old man Walter McKinley was today complaining about how the school down his road had been closed after a measly two inches of snow had fallen. The 87-year-old, who has lived in Mithering on the Trent for the past 59 years, and is seen as a local c…
ELEPHANT BUTT, Ohio - (Satire News) - Abby Yukon, a writer with Hearsay Today, recently visited an elderly couple in their luxurious Elephant Butt, home. The couple are Josh (84) and Begonia (85) Seftonwood. Josh is a retired firefighter and Begon…
Timothy Claypole, a sixty-year-old has spent every night this month in a nightclub and is beginning to find it embarrassing. 'I saw that dapper chap Michael Gove dancing in a nightclub recently' said Timothy, 'and I remember thinking how much fun…
After just going in to buy some stamps, and to post a letter Muriel Halfpenny has been stuck in a conversation with Sandra from two doors down for 14 minutes. 'It was a nightmare' said Muriel 'Sandra and I have nothing in common. We had a bit of a…
COTTONMOUTH, Mississippi - (Satire News) - A 97-year-old woman got her wrinkled old ass tossed in the Cottonmouth City Jail. An officer with the Cottonmouth Police Department reported that an Amazon Prime delivery man, identified as Tyler Montasel…
Development is proceeding on a computerized cane for the Elderly at the Elderly Are Cash Cows Corporation. Plans are for a cane with a flashing light and siren for crossing streets. Also, a button that puts out the horn sound of a Large semi-t…
Tory Minister Ivor Biggun is in deep trouble after suggesting that cash-strapped pensioners should think about saving money in the supermarkets by avoiding expensive foods such as caviar. The Eton-educated toff also told a caller giving his name as “…
A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told a local newspaper that the naked and unfettered hatred he felt towards an elderly lady who kept him waiting in line at the post office exceeded the burning loathing that the Ancient Greek hero, Achilles, felt to…
Stuck between two generations at Christmas time, parents Alex and Felicity Chilblaine are now seen as being extremists by the two surrounding generations. ‘It was mad’ said Alex ‘Felicity and myself would class ourselves as fairly liberal, treat t…
Christmas dinner was slightly soured by Grandad ‘Foggy’ losing his false teeth. ‘Foggy’ is named after the character in Last of The Summer Wine, but actually Christened as Alloysius Bennington by his Parents lost his teeth somewhere around the Chr…
RANCHO CUCAMONGA, California – (Satire News) – The Omnium Gatherum News Agency reports that city authorities in Rancho Cucamonga have shut down the town’s oldest senior citizen’s nursing home. OGNA writer Ashburn Wasabi, stated that he spoke with…
CHICAGO – (Satire News) – The Chicago Police Department reports that they have just arrested a woman who is 91-years-old. According to a CPD report the woman, identified as Bergina P. Eggyfoss, who is from Norway, and only speaks broken English wo…
CINCINNATI – (Satire News) – In what many pundits are calling a huge mystery, reports coming out a sexual study conducted by a Cincinnati fact-finding firm, say that older couples are having more and more sex. The Scuttlebutt Review’s April Jiggle…
Grandmother Valerie Jones is shocked to say that she used the word sleeps when talking to her grandson Toby. Toby, 4, was talking about what is happening on Wednesday, and when it was when Valerie committed the faux pas of saying it was 'only two…
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana – (Satire News) – The Houston Daily Driller is reporting that AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) has just named 88-year-old Greta Sexatini, the Eric Clapton of the Old Folks World. Sexatini, who resides with her g…
PENSACOLA, Florida – (Satire News) – Boom Boom News has confirmed that a couple who are both in their late 70s, were caught having dry sex in a bumper car that belongs to The Traveling Dixie Carnival Show. Burt and Irene Fumsteen, were videotaped…
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