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Funny satire stories about Dark Matter

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Funny story: Dark Matter "Needs to Lighten Up" Says Head of CERN

Dark Matter "Needs to Lighten Up" Says Head of CERN

"C'est un travail de merde" said normally mild mannered Monsieur Jacques Trounoir, Head of Operations for the Large Hadron Collider at CERN in conversation with The Spoof's European Editor, Plagny Toxique. "We at CERN proved the existence of Higgs bo...

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Funny story: Scientist Says "Sticky" Dark Matter Influenced Presidential Election

Scientist Says "Sticky" Dark Matter Influenced Presidential Election

We can't see it or measure it directly, but scientists say they can detect the decay of dark matter around the universe and on earth, especially in Washington DC. It's a new type of dark matter though that has been discovered around Washington DC,...

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Funny story: Afrophysicists Discover Link to Dark Matter

Afrophysicists Discover Link to Dark Matter

A link to solving the mystery of dark matter which as bedeviled physicists for decades has been solved posthumously it seems by Chuck Brown the acknowledged Godfather of Go-go music in the Washington D.C. area in the mid 1960's. While originally loca...

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Funny story: Dark matter is out, sticky matter is in

Dark matter is out, sticky matter is in

In theoretical physics and cosmological circles there has been a good mannered debate raging for several decades over what is holding all the matter in galaxies together. "It's quite simple," said Brian Cox, presenter of The Sky At Night. "When we...

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Funny story: Antimatter or matter, does it matter?

Antimatter or matter, does it matter?

US scientists at the US Tevatron accelerator have discovered, after millions of US tax money had been invested, that the universe is full of "matter" and "antimatter" is much less and after all does it really "matter" which "matter" is out there anti...

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Funny story: Dark Money Theory Could Explain World Economic Crisis

Dark Money Theory Could Explain World Economic Crisis

Throughout the ages, great breakthroughs have often resulted from a lucky interface between unconnected fields of research. It seems that just such a coincidence may be close to explaining the current economic poo pile that we find ourselves living i...

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Funny story: Scientists Conclude the Soul is Composed of Dark Matter

Scientists Conclude the Soul is Composed of Dark Matter

Scientists, today, announced they believe they have solved the longest standing problem in human history. Unsure why they never thought of this before, they reticently admitted that the idea of something so undetectable and frankly impossible as Dark...

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Funny story: Scientists Determine that Upwards of 96 Percent of Human Body Mass is Dark Matter and Dark Energy

Scientists Determine that Upwards of 96 Percent of Human Body Mass is Dark Matter and Dark Energy

Gravitational astrophysicists have long-since determined that Dark Energy and Dark Matter must account for over 96% of the mass of the universe, or else their pet theory would fall flat on its face. Pioneering physiologists are now beginning to c...

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Funny story: 80% of Universe still missing

80% of Universe still missing

'Scientists' at UCLA have drawn a blank in a recent search for 'Dark Matter' This fabled form of matter is invisable, but said to exist by crazed scientists. They claim that the universe is composed of a whopping 80% dark matter, yet the latest se...

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Funny story: Dark Matter Found in 6-Month Old Fast Food Hamburger Patty

Dark Matter Found in 6-Month Old Fast Food Hamburger Patty

Physicist Moby Ustrip from Simi Valley, California has just published a scientific paper that is poised to set the world of physics on its ear. For years now, Ustrip has been studying the theory of dark matter first introduced in 1933 by Swiss astrop...

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Funny story: DEA pips NASA to discover dark matter: It's mostly Heroin

DEA pips NASA to discover dark matter: It's mostly Heroin

Anonymous DEA agent and his trusty dog Milo have found dark matter. "This God person or the Klingons and Romulans that are supposed to be out there in the Universe, they've got to be hiding their stash somewhere. And you know they're not going to cal...

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Funny story: It Matters Not if Antimatter Doesn't Matter

It Matters Not if Antimatter Doesn't Matter

Mount Palomar, California (IP) - Dr. Povenmire Finootch is the head astronomer operating at the Mount Palomar Astronomical Campus in California. He told reporters yesterday that a cloud of antimatter 10,000 light years in diameter is heading in the...

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Funny story: Astronomers Find Absolutely Nothing.

Astronomers Find Absolutely Nothing.

Astronomers say they have discovered an object that appears to be nothing at all made almost entirely of dark matter.

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