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Spoof stories written by Matt Birkenhauer

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After Extreme Makeovers, Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders to Hold Press Briefings on Camera, with Sound

Funny story: After Extreme Makeovers, Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders to Hold Press Briefings on Camera, with Sound

WASHINGTON, D. C.--President Donald Trump, who had formerly called his Press Secretary and Deputy Press Secretary "too fat and ugly" to appear on camera, has tweeted that both Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders will again, after the duo's extr...

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So Sad!

Funny story: So Sad!

For a couple of decades now, I've made a practice of celebrating the Fourth of July by reading the founding and historical documents that underlie the exercise in representative democracy that is the United States. This has given me a new appreciatio...

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Deep Esophagus Reveals the Source of the White House Leaks

Funny story: Deep Esophagus Reveals the Source of the White House Leaks

AT A PARKING GARAGE SOMEWHERE IN WASHINGTON--In a meeting between David Corn of Mother Jones and a shadowy figure who only identifies herself as "Deep Esophagus," the source of the many leaks that have plagued the Trump Administration are coming to l...

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HB3 to Make Public Bathrooms Unavailable to Straight Men Unless They Can Prove They Aren't Child Molesters

Funny story: HB3 to Make Public Bathrooms Unavailable to Straight Men Unless They Can Prove They Aren't Child Molesters

New York, NY--The New York state legislature is poised to pass House Bill 3, which would make public bathrooms unavailable to straight men unless they can prove that they are not child molesters. Said Representative Anthony Sawyer, one of the spon...

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Arkansas, in a Bid Get into the Guinness Book of World Records, to Execute 8 Men over 10 Days

Funny story: Arkansas, in a Bid Get into the Guinness Book of World Records, to Execute 8 Men over 10 Days

Little Rock, AR--Besides being known for its high incidence of early death, infant mortality, cardiovascular disease, and obesity, Arkansas may soon break a new record, and possibly get into the 2018 Guinness Book of World Records in the attempt.

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Gov. Bourbon Signs Conceal Carry Law That Allows Children to Carry Without a Permit as Long as They Have a Valid Kindergarten ID Card

Funny story: Gov. Bourbon Signs Conceal Carry Law That Allows Children to Carry Without a Permit as Long as They Have a Valid Kindergarten ID Card

BISMARCK, ND--The state legislature of North Dakota today signed into a law a Conceal Carry bill that would allow children to carry a firearm as long as they possessed a valid kindergarten ID card. Gov. Doug Bourbon, eating lunch at his favorite b...

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Fox and Fiends to Welcome Satan As New Co-host

Funny story: Fox and Fiends to Welcome Satan As New Co-host

NEW YORK--The long running morning show Fox and Fiends announced today that it is welcoming, as its new morning co-host, Satan, the Commander-in-Chief of Hell. Enthused Steve Doocy about the new co-host: "We're really excited to have Satan as our...

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Bowling Green Suicide Sinkhole Apprehended After Its Latest Massacre

Funny story: Bowling Green Suicide Sinkhole Apprehended After Its Latest Massacre

Bowling Green, KY-Yelling "Allahu Akbar!" the suicide sinkhole that attacked eight Corvettes in the Corvette Museum in February of 2012 reappeared today, in Kellyanne Conway's imagination, to unleash on the midsize town of 63,000 souls a horrendo...

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The Grim Reaper to Attend President-elect Donald Trump's Inauguration

Funny story: The Grim Reaper to Attend President-elect Donald Trump's Inauguration

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Trump spokesperson and Slytherin wannabe Kellyanne Conway announced today on FOX News that the Grim Reaper would be attending President-elect Trump's Inauguration on January 20. Explained Mrs. Conway, through her forked tongue: "Y...

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In a Parting Gesture of Good Will, President Barack Obama Issues President-elect Donald Trump an Authentic Birther Certificate

Funny story: In a Parting Gesture of Good Will, President Barack Obama Issues President-elect Donald Trump an Authentic Birther Certificate

WASHINGTON, D.C.--In a ceremony today at the White House, President Barack Obama issued an authentic Birther Certificate, signed and certified by Chief White House Strategist and Wife Beater Steven Bannon and White Nationalist Richard Spencer. T...

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Texas Legislature Orders Sperm Emissions to be Buried or Creamated

Funny story: Texas Legislature Orders Sperm Emissions to be Buried or Creamated

AUSTIN--Gov. Greg Abbott signed into law what the Texas legislature has deemed the "Save Our Sperm Law," which, Abbott said after signing the legislation, "will give voice to the unconcepted among us." The new law (in part an addition to Texas Adm...

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Donald Trump's Lincolnesque Moment

Funny story: Donald Trump's Lincolnesque Moment

The following is a transcript from Donald Trump's speech at Gettysburg, October 22, 2016. Gettysburg, PA--Eleven score and seven gropes ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived by libertines, and dedicated to the pro...

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Trump Announces, "I could stand on Fifth Avenue and call one of my supporters a fat slob and she'd still vote for me!"

Funny story: Trump Announces, "I could stand on Fifth Avenue and call one of my supporters a fat slob and she'd still vote for me!"

Mobile, AL--At a rally last week in Mobile, Donald Trump bragged that he could stand on Fifth Avenue and call one of his supporters a fat slob, and she'd still vote for him. When a reporter from The Mobile Register went out to a local trailer pa...

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Patient Dies After Firing His "Career Oncologist"

Funny story: Patient Dies After Firing His "Career Oncologist"

New Hartford, CT--Reggie Whitford, a patient suffering from stage 2 colorectal cancer, died on Tuesday eight months after firing what he groused to his family members was a "goddamn career oncologist." His former oncologist, Dr. Sudhir Parikh, was...

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For Debate Prep, the Clinton Campaign Hires a Nine Year Old Who Ran a Successful Lemonade Stand as a Stand-in for Donald Trump

Funny story: For Debate Prep, the Clinton Campaign Hires a Nine Year Old Who Ran a Successful Lemonade Stand as a Stand-in for Donald Trump

Washington, D. C.--In preparing for the upcoming debates with Donald Trump, Clinton campaign spokesperson Robby Mook announced today that it has has hired Billy Vermon, a successful lemonade magnate, to stand in for Donald Trump. Nine year old Bi...

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Donald Trump's America: A Review

Funny story: Donald Trump's America: A Review

My wife and I went to see a movie called Trump's America at a local multiplex which will remain unnamed. When I purchased the tickets for the movie, the cashier behind the window asked to see my and my wife's photo IDs, to make sure we weren't Mexic...

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Donald Trump Hospitalized After Choking on His Own Ego

Funny story: Donald Trump Hospitalized After Choking on His Own Ego

BURNT CORN, AL--Donald Trump, at a rally Tuesday in Alabama, was hospitalized after he began choking on his own ego. Trump was building up to the peroration of his speech, in which he praised himself as the sole solution to all that ails the Uni...

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Donald Trump Suspends Campaign After Running Out of Adjectives Aimed at the Level of Fourth Graders

Funny story: Donald Trump Suspends Campaign After Running Out of Adjectives Aimed at the Level of Fourth Graders

TRUMP HEADQUARTERS (that is, Trump's head)--Donald Trump today suspended his campaign after running out of adjectives aimed at his main demographic: Those who speak and write at the level of fourth graders. After "Crooked Hillary" began to get old,...

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