Scene: A small farmhouse in Sussex. A man enters the kitchen.
"Beryl, old Mr Snoop has been arrested for stroking a badger in the lower field".
"Oh gosh, what are we to do about the fence?" replied Beryl.
"The fucker will have to do it when he is released".
"Language Nigel, we are being recorded by the BBC" advised Beryl.
"Sorry darling, it's just that I was hoping to go fishing thi...
Jimmy Savile arrives at the gates of heaven St. Peter ushers him into a side room.
"Hello Mr Savile, I need to have a word about a couple of things that have come to light"
"Oh, now then Pete, no more praise, I know how much good I did down there" says Savile.
"The name is Peter, Mr Savile and there is little praise in what I have to ask".
"Now then, friend, if it's about the knocked o...
Mary Popitin stood watching the one man band. She was impressed with his rendition of "Voodoo Child" but thought the rhythm section lacked a disciplined knee. Having nothing more to do but annoy the people in the park with her singing, she decided to join the man and dance to the music.
Bert is hacking away at the mouth organ when a woman dressed in multi-coloured rags starts to gyrate beside h...
Shylock Humes woke with a start Mrs Hudson had dropped the breakfast tray on him again.
"Ooh beg pardon Eric, I tripped on the half rug" sighed Mrs Hudson.
"Never call me Eric Maude, you never know who is listening" warned Shylock.
"I didn't know your name was Eric" said a voice from the wardrobe.
Quick as a flash, Shylock leapt from his bed and grabbed his gun, Mrs Hudson grabbed her...
I read the Magazine article "Situations vacant. Typical British family wanted" by Mr Clive Danton and was quite horrified, how on earth did he know I am a junkie and my 14 year old daughter is a crack hoe with two children from different fathers? He hacked our mobile phones. If this article is not removed I will contact ITV4 and inform them we are not doing the programme.
"I cleaned out the loft this morning with the wife. Dirty, dusty, full of cobwebs, but she's good to the kids"
Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)
"I saw six men punching and kicking my mother in law, my neighbour said "Aren't you going to help"? No I said, six should be enough".
Les Dawson (1931-1993)
"I have the body of an eighteen year old; I keep it in the freezer".
Spike Milligan (1918-20...
Reverend Dicker stood in the pulpit and looked out onto his congregation. He had done this every Sunday for thirty years. Today would be his last sermon before retiring to the sunny isle of Capri.
The church was full, as usual, with the usual people. Gods flock all bleating to the same tune.
While waiting for the hymn to finish, Dicker took another swig from his hip flask.
"Good morning bro...
Danton cupped a hand to his ear. "Hist" he said.
"What can you hear?" asked Lynton.
"A hiss" answered Danton.
"Where's it coming from?" enquired Colonel Erskin.
"That rucksack" said Danton, pointing to the green bundle on the floor.
Pinxit made a grab for the offending item and opened the flap, from inside, a tall figure emerged wearing a pork pie trilby, rain coat and wellington bo...
The village idiot has been recognised as a legitimate occupation since the thirteenth century.
Edward the first (Longshanks) sent his own idiot, John Major, to Scotland with a mocking message for William Wallace, however, the idiot presented the verbal insult to King Gruffudd of Wales.
Since that day to this, the slight has never been forgiven and the two nations still spit at each other.
All competitors must bring their own medical kits and have personal injury insurance.
The games will be held on the village green so space will be limited.
Mrs Spong has begun heating the village pond with kettles of hot water. No urinating please.
Diary of Events:
09:00hrs: Kick the cat over the neighbour's wall (Manx cats are banned from this event)
09:30hrs Lamp Post lea...
I was stuck in an elevator with two women. From nowhere an odious smell crept up my hooter. One of the women, a middle aged type with horned rimmed glasses looked at me with disgust. Not wanting to cause a fuss I kept my mouth shut and carried on looking at the ceiling hoping the smell would dissipate and the Engineer would rescue me from this mechanical prison cell.
However, the smell became...
What a marvellous invention. Pavel Yablochkov certainly knew his onions when he decided to hang some lamps from a stick and light up his sewage strewn alleyway. No more treading dog shit all over the Kazak rug and giving the baby thread worm. Yes Pavel my old son, you did us a big favour.
The metal pole that changed the lives of people all over the world is just as interesting today as would ha...
Albert Fittle dragged his arthritic body from under the duvet and made his way to the bathroom.
This epic journey happened at least three times a night. He had the idea of attaching a bicycle
Inner tube to his member and siphoning off into a bucket beside the bed, he changed his mind after realising the tube might get twisted during his unsettled sleep and end up with an explosion and a sho...
The gang came together after several of its members had been locked out of their local pubs by the Moderators, a notorious head hunting crew that preyed on people using profanity and bad diction.
In one night alone, the Moderators closed seven public houses. Each member of the Cole Hole gang had been sent home from their local after falling foul of the Mods. Capo, Clive Danton remembers his fir...
Inchcock stood outside his uncle's house. He had money in his pocket, food in the rucksack on his back, sturdy hob nail boots, but not a clue where he should go. An idea struck him it had fallen off the advertising sign above his head. "I will go to Europe" he said to himself.
Paddington Station is the gateway to Europe, so why was Inchy at Victoria train station?
He had decided to get the boa...
Mr Alf Fosset has made a speedy recovery after undergoing a heart transplant last month.
The 55 year old Slather Polisher from West Ham had undergone extensive tests before the procedure could go ahead. He had been waiting two years before gettin...
Government officials have outlined plans to sack benefit cheats and replace them with people that might have cheated, but did not have the bottle to do so. The change in circumstances for many fraudsters means they will no longer be able to sustain t...
David Millibond admitted yesterday that he had got immigration totally wrong. In a frank admission the Minister described how he had allowed thousands of illegal immigrants into the country.
"I should not have advertised my birthday party on Faceb...
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