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Porn Lawyer Seeks to Expand Show-Biz Career

Fresh off countless CNN appearances, creepy porn lawyer Michael Avenatti has sued Marvel Comics, demanding to be taken on as their latest super-hero -- Rabid-Ranting-Rodent-Esquire-Dude.

Christopher Steele Expands His Farcical Spewing in a New Venue

Cut from a corrupt FBI, Steele had to keep kippers on his plate. So, he answered an ad in Variety, and now he's Rosie O'Donnell's new Rant Writer, thus confirming a universal law: all slime converges.

Peter Strok Gets New Job

Recently-canned ex-FBI Strok lands on his feet with new gig. He's the security guard at the Bethesda, MD, Chuck-E-Cheese. No worries, he's already geared-up to harass all Trump-voting soccer moms!

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Learns about 'Marxism'

Ocasio-Cortez went to the New York Public Library to get the definitive book, asked for it, and was ready to check it out. Fortunately, Ben Shapiro explained it was Karl Marx, not Groucho's memoirs

Nancy Pelosi's Body is Much in Demand

Many top medical schools have made bids for the eventual corpse of Pelosi. All want to study effects of contemporary mummification techniques on quasi-living tissue. Madame Tussauds also wants in!

Bernie Sanders Devastated at Lack of New Hairdo

Bernie desperately wanted a fake 'man-bun' for the Fall campaign, but the Socialist Farmers of Vermont couldn't slaughter enough albino goats to make one for him.

Trump Slaps Huge Tariffs on all Foreign Cars Except for Russia's Lada

"It's just a coincidence, I didn't realize it was a Russian car when I decided not to tax it."

Hollywood City Council Votes to Turn Trump Star Into a Trash Receptacle

"People have been throwing trash there for years anyway, so now it's legal," spoke a council person.

3 Doors Down, the Only Band That Consented to Play at Trump's Inauguration, Refuse to Play for Next One

Trump has become like "Kryptonite" to them.

Melania Will Watch Whatever She Wants On TV

She likes dramas where an imprisoned woman escapes, and takes bitter revenge on her former tormentor.