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Bill Cosby Contacts Kim Kardashian to See if She Can Get Him Pardoned

Kim told Cosby he would have to get in line behind Robert Mueller, Suge Knight, and Jared Folger.

Inspector General’s Report Is Out

Much like a school report card, the Inspector General’s report is out and James Comey received an F for failure. Who’ve guess? Because he gave the world Donald Trump, he should have received a Z.

Trump Takes the U.S. Out of the U.N.

Trump then deports all the non-citizens & orders everyone else out of the U.N. Building in 24 hours.

Secret Plot to Have Trump Declare War on Canada Revealed

Trump must give Canada to Russia or else the Trump Golden Showers tape will hit the airwaves.

Trump Gives North Carolina to Kim Jong Un in Return for De-Nuclearization

"And if Lil' Kim stays nuclear-free for ONE YEAR, we will also give Kim North Dakota," said Trump.

An original metaphor:

' Clouds flocked the sky like white lint on a blue dryer screen.'
Good one, eh?

Roseanne Claims that Ambien Turned Her Into An Asshole

"Just ask anyone! I was a bitch but that's all! It's the Ambien that made me racist AND an asshole!

Trump Pardons Himself for All the Pussies He's Grabbed

He also promises all the women who want to sue him that he will take them furniture shopping.

Trump Declares War on Canada for Burning White House in War of 1812

"Now that I know about it, I'm not going to let them get away with it ANY LONGER!" shouted Trump.

Trump Thinks He Already Met With Kim from Korea

His staff had to explain that the person he met with was really Kim Kardashian, not Kim Jong Un.