Jokes

All jokes submitted by IainB.

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Bedding

I went to my local garden centre yesterday morning. A quite attractive young man approached me as I wandered through the Herbaceous Borders looking for a Hardy Laurel....

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Okay, I was in my local supermarket. Lets call it Tesburyda. Anyway, I had a full basket and there were no free checkouts, so I picked the nearest. It only took five minutes to load up and get to the...

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Costa Concordia model

Having just heard about the disaster I thought Id better act quick and get hold of a model before they became collectors items. I rang the local toy shop. Have you got a model of the Costa Concordia?...

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Fish jokes

I went to the hairdressers and ended up smelling of fish; hed only gone and given me a mullet. When I opened the curtains this morning it let a single ray into the room. Sea levels have certainly risen...

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Getting the first punch in

I went to a high street DIY store yesterday. In the garden section, a salesman ran up: Do you want planting? But I got the first punch in. Then it was off to the hard landscaping area, where salesman...

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Waiter Waiter

At a restaurant yesterday, I dropped a bowl of soup in my lap. Waiter! Waiter! I called. What is it? he asked. Ive dropped a bowl of soup in my lap, I said. What do you want me to do about it? he asked....

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Martial Arts Explained

Tai Chi is the ancient martial art of using a hand dryer. Kendo is the ancient martial art of making Keneth work. Jujitsu is the ancient martial art of being shaken by the kosher. Soduko is the ancient martial...

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Great questions of our age

Why do the deaf have a sign for Volume? If circles are circular, triangles triangular and rectangles rectangular...what are squares? If the Americans call autumn fall why dont they call winter bare and spring grow?...

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Garden Gags

Ive got a new leaf blower. He doesnt charge much, and the trees look so much better when theyre moving. My garden rake is such a cad. I got told to Pimp my garden so I hoed it. I put in a new flower bed. I think the...

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I got a new doctor

I had to go and register at a new doctors surgery last week. I have arranged to go in for my medical next week and I have to say, they are a very progressive doctors! When I made the appointment they...

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10. Chuck Norris facts

1. There are fourteen billion Chuck Norris facts. Everybody on earth has two each; even those who have never heard of him. 2. Everybody has heard of Chuck Norris. 3. Chuck Norris walked into a bar,...

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Chuck Norris's House

What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in? Well the obvious answer is: any he damn well pleases... Alternatively, another obvious answer is: an igloo, because this is a round house. Neither of these...

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How I got my black eye

I was sat in the pub having a quiet drink with some friends when an angry young man in cyclist gear came in, looked around and came storming over to me and got in my face. You cut me up! he said, irately....

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Favourite battery

What is a Scousers Favourite battery? AAA. Jokes must be 50 words or more, therefore the following are random words out of the dictionary that have nothing to do with the joke: Unemployed, theft, steal, nick,...

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