My wife and I are buying a new phone for me, and I yearn for the days when you went to a store, picked out a phone, and took it home and hooked it up....
Investigating a crime scene where a woman had shot a man because he walked across the kitchen floor that shed just spent an hour sweeping, mopping, and waxing, a police officer radioed back to the police...
A couple guys are at a bar sharing their relationship problems. The first guy admits to his friend, I kept trying to break up with Linda the Optician last night, but I couldnt do it no matter how hard I...
A man brings his purebred Poodle, Henri, to a Dog Show, and his dog performs every trick and obstacle course perfectly, only to lose to a German Shepard. After the Dog Show is over, the annoyed Owner...
A highly skilled helicopter pilot, aware that the copter was having trouble, manages, in a crowded urban area, to safely land his copter without anyone being killed. But, since it was next to a church,...
An American is visiting the Philippines and is part of a bus tour, and while the Tour Guide tells the group about all the Filipino sights, the American is bragging about his own country. You call that a...
You suck, Mr. President was written in pee in the snow on the White House lawn, sir, a White House aide tells the President. This is an outrage! I want to know who did this! Im being treated badly! Actually,...
A man goes to his doctor and the prognosis isnt good. But, I do I have good news and bad news to give you, the Doctor tells the man. Ill get the bad news first, says the man. Im sorry, but your cancer has spread...
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. Hey, Mister Shepherd, if I guess how many sheep you have,...
Little Tommy asked his father, Daddy, how were people born? His father tells him, Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on until Mommy gave birth to you. Tommy then went...
Ross Kemp was so clumsy, his SAS mates nicknamed him Manuel. He was sent on a mission to save a child, and shot her ‘by mistake’, he later said at the debriefing. He told his CO that he had been kept in the dark about...
A young Native American indian boy, aged about 6, is clearly deep in thought, when his grandfather asks him: What troubles you? The boy says: Grandfather, how do our parents decide what to name us? His grandfather closes...
Two guys get lost in Scotland. One of the guys is older than the other, so he takes charge. I think we should head in that direction, because thats south Scotland - that should get us back to Fawkuurt...
A bunch of friends are getting together over some beers, when the subject of nicknames comes up. A guy named Rick boasts, I was called The Flash, because I was the fastest player on my high school football...
A tramp is sitting on a corner by the side of a highway. A chauffeur-driven limousine pulls up waiting to turn. In the back seat is a big fat businessman smoking a cigar. The tramp taps on the window. Without looking at the tramp, the fat guy winds down the window. The tramp leans inside and says, Can you spare a few dollars for...
During a trial against a drunk driver, a State Trooper was questioned by the prosecution. When you stopped the defendant, were the red and blue lights on your cruiser flashing? the lawyer asks. Yes, sir, responds the Trooper. Did the defendant say anything when she stumbled out of her car? Yes, sir. What did she say? The Trooper...
I was walking through the park last night and a football lands right in front of me. I looked round and Rashford and Maguire were standing there... Can we have our ball back, mister? = Beg For It Marcus will just write you a letter... I was walking through the park last night, and a football lands right in front of me. I looked...
Three guys are walking through the plains and get captured by the Indians. The chief tells them that they are about to be tied to a tree and shot through the heart by their deadliest bow and arrow specialist....
A drunken Irishman was walking home from the tavern, clearly under the weather, when he encountered a fellow stuck by the side of the road working on his Mercedes Benz. Whats the trouble? asked the drunk....
An Irishman was walking around a posh neighbourhood looking for work. It wasnt going that well, until he came to a house owned by a old lady in her 70s. Top o the morning ta ya, mam. Um just goin round the...
I was walking out my door one morning and bumped into Stuarts wife, who was wearing white shoes, white jeans and a white jacket. She asked where I was going to, and I said, the bookies. So I did, and...
A frustrated man walks back into the pizzeria that he just bought a pizza from, and slams the box onto the countertop. Look at this! You got it all wrong! I asked for my pizza to be cut into 6 slices,...
This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. Whilst hes waiting, the small bowl of peanuts starts talking to him. Youre a really good person! I like your shirt! You look great! Have you been working out?...
The judge presiding over a law suit made a comment about modern fashion that aroused some mirth in the courtroom.These blasted social media web sites...
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