"I don't know what they said"

Submitted by Samuel Vargo

Monday, 3 November 2014

So Horowitz and Leibenstein had to go to the funeral of their friend, Abelson, and they visited Pinkus, who owned a clothing store. They wanted to look good for the funeral and both decided they'd go in traditional black suits.

They told Pinkus they needed to look sharp and the suits had to be black. After all, Abelson was one of their chums since boyhood and when they were growing up, the three were inseparabnle. Dressing up to the nines was essential for a send-off to their dear friend. And both took Abelson's death hard. They were in mourning and were grieving.

"I have just the suit for both of you," Pinkus said happily, after measuring their arms and legs.

Pinkus had two very dark blue suits in stock. He had a hard time selling these, because every time he tried to pawn them off on a customer, he was always told, "This isn't a black suit, it's very, very dark blue."

But since Horowitz and Leibenstein were both octogenarians and had cataracts and glaucoma, Pinkus had no trouble selling the suits to the two old men. And neither had a clue about fashion anymore - they were stuck in a time warp.

After a quick and dirty tailoring job, Pinkus rang up the order and made a good buck on the two suits, which had been in his inventory for the better part of the decade. He smiled joyfully seeing Horowitz and Leibenstein leave his shop and walk up the sidewalk.

Now Horowitz and Leibenstein took a wrong turn on their way back to their neighborhood. They had a hard time negotiating landmarks that they'd known since childhood, for the simple reason that now, both of the 87-year-olds were blind as bats. So they ended up walking through a very Catholic alcove, which had a monastery, a convent, a small college, and a large cathedral. About the only people who walked around there were Catholic religious, normally only priests and nuns. Horowitz and Leibenstein, oblivious to these surroundings, believed they were walking through the business district that bordered their neighborhood.

Horowitz, nearly blind as a mole, saw two hefty nuns walking towards them and said, "Do you see those businessmen approaching? Look how black their suits are."

"My God man, they are black suits, aren't they?" his friend answered.

So the two old men accosted the nuns, comparing the sleeves on their jackets to the nuns' habits. They didn't way a word, but were very animated in making their comparisons. Their anger and displeasure almost appeared like a passion play of some odd sort.

The nuns were beside themselves, not knowing what to think.

"Holy Jesus, Pinkus stiffed us!" Horowitz yelled.

"He rooked us! He rooked us! Holy carbuncles! Pinkus! Pinkus!" Leibenstein screamed.

After comparing their sleeves every which way against the onyx of the habits, the two old men scurried off hastily, towards the direction of the suit shop. Their hands were waving around in the air like two wildmen.

"What in God's name was that all about?" one of the nuns said, bewildered.

"They're very wise Jesuit priests. And very holy men. I don't know what they said, my Latin is very rusty nowadays."

"What passionate and powerful prayers."

"Yes sister. And all those hand movements. What a wonderful blessing they gave us. Not touching us, only coming so close. What grace. What aplomb. We are truly blessed. We were visited by two cloistered Jesuit priests who are part of a very secret order. Praise the Lord!"

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