30 Adult (Be warned) Jokes!

Submitted by Inchcock

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. What's a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once!

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick!

Q: Why do Farts stink?
A: So that Deaf people can enjoy them too!

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: What's the difference between a tractor and a giraffe?
A: One has hydraulics the other has high-bollocks!

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die!

Three guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steve's room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The rest of the guys said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was Garry's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. Once again they asked, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Steve shakes the roof. I couldn't sleep a wink. I just watched him all night."
The third night was Herb's turn. Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt -- a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.
The guys couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night."
He sat up and watched me all night long!"

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear!

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

Q: Why did Barbi get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any!

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!"

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine!

Q: What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
A: If the rubber breaks, they're both in deep shit!

Q: Why did The Lord give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: What are the two greatest lies?
A: "The cheque is in the post," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home!"

Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts!

Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride!

Q: What's the definition of trust?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob!

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