Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.
I was assured by the other two judges (couple of Nottingham locals) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event.
Curry 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry
Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Me: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one!
Curry 2: Achmed's Afterburner Curry
Judge One: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Me: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Curry 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Shed Curry
Judge One: Excellent fire-house curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge Two: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
Me: Call the Fire-brigade, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
Curry 4: Barbu's Black Magic
Judge One: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Me: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was un-able to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? S, Sue Flay, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look Hoy to me, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?
Curry 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover
Judge One: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge Two: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Me: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Sue Flay saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good bal-ance of spice and peppers.
Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Me: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gase-ous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sue Flay, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a traffic cone!
Curry 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry
Judge One: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Me: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Curry 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry
Judge One: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Inchy, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?
"Me": Editors note: Comments from the ambulance unheard