Best to do a Peter Kay accent in your head when reading these, to get maximum impact:
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A baby seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!"