Lancashire Ee By Gum Type Jokes - 11 > 20

Submitted by Inchcock

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Best to do a Peter Kay accent in your head when reading these, to get maximum impact:

11)
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

12)
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said waiter, I didn't asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

13)
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite.... one jar.

14)
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

15)
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

16)
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", He said "Not you again".

17)
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

18)
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.

19)
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

20)
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?"


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