Lancashire Ee By Gum Type Jokes - 1 > 10

Submitted by Inchcock

Sunday, 22 January 2012

Best do a Peter Kay accent in your head when reading these, to get maximum impact:

1)
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

2)
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

3)
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

4)
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

5)
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

6)
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are t'pickled onions".

7)
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

8)
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

9)
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

10)
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.


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