A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a Twenty pound note to a useless bum."
"You mean you gave Twenty pound? That's a lot of money to give away
like that. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, 'Thanks'"
Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone: My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an Ass-hole
I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an empty shopping trolley, when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?"
"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."
My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen, a stool sample, and a semen specimen.
I told him, "Just give them your underwear."
There are three things a man over 50 should never forget:
Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
Never trust a fart.
Never take a hard-on for granted.
Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and everything they do.
A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that are on his mind:
"Pass the crisps."
A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to football games, and bring him a beer.
Diamonds are a girl's best friend.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
They say that men only think about sex.
That's not exactly true.
They also care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
A man leaned toward an attractive woman at the busy bar counter, and asked her, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"
"Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the receptionist at the V.D. clinic."