I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
The shinbone is the perfect device for finding furniture in a dark room.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.