Selection of Newspaper Jokes

Submitted by Inchcock

Thursday, 9 June 2011

1) A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.

He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

2) A young reporter for a small municipal newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report.
Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her "( . )( . ) "

3) Some American Newspaper Bloopers
A: Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".

B: On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

C: The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.

D: With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

E: A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

F: Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.

G: He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

H: Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

I: A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

4) Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

a) Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

b) White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the Nottingham's third language.

c) Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

d) Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)

e) Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

f) Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

g) George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

h) 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

i) Memorial day of mourning announced in memory of the Lib-Dem party.

j) Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

k) William Hague announces he is down to his last 4 billion pounds.

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