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From News Discussion / The Queen of Britain in Leaked Sex Tapestry -Jubilee Plans Unravel as Bestiality Allegations Lead to Worldwide Revulsion
Posted 3 Jun 12 18:41
Controversial. Nowt wrong with that. Good. 5*

From General Discussion / Questions Of The Day
Posted 24 May 12 20:53
I've often wondered when a car would be one car but the same car double parked at two different places at the same time. How many bits would need to be removed then placed on double yellow lines across the road before it would be the same car double parked in two different places at the same time?

I've been out in the sun today.

From General Discussion / David Icke Madman or Prophet?
Posted 14 May 12 23:55

Reptilians; Flying saucers(The State of UFO Disclosure - Press Conference. Mr Milton Torres sounds like no con artist to me); Ancient visitations (Pumapunku!); Ghosts ('The Enfield Poltergeist!')

I don't know what 'The Truth' is, but it is whatever it is. Bring it on! (Of course when Alice went down the rabbit hole she met The Mad Hatter, and they do say that fools rush in where angels fear to tread!)

Drink and be merry seems like a good idea as well!

From General Discussion / David Icke Madman or Prophet?
Posted 14 May 12 12:36

Quote: queen mudder

Total charlatan, con artist and fantasist.

Plenty more insults available on request.

One hopes so!

However, his 'Heads in the sand, knees on the ground' tells me he is not quite the 'fruit and nut case' some want him to be.

(What was that catchphrase of Billy Cotton......erm,)

From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 7 May 12 20:28

Quote: Clive Danton

Quote: Tommy Twinkle

This attempt at a link will probably fail - again.
Well worth listening to this though.
Rolling in the deep (Chinese Guzheng)

"An Error Occurred During Validation"

Blimey sounds like my Visa card Tom

Bloody links - I give up. Where's that bottle of brandy!

From General Discussion / Spoof FM. WARNING! May Contain Appalling Bad Taste And/Or Lulu.
Posted 7 May 12 19:59
This attempt at a link will probably fail - again.
Well worth listening to this though.
Rolling in the deep (Chinese Guzheng)

From General Discussion / The Add A Funny Clip Thread
Posted 7 May 12 19:36
American Idol - worst singer ever at number 1

My first effort at a link - fingers crossed!

Edit: (Nope! Oh b******s!)

From General Discussion / Epitaph
Posted 7 May 12 14:40
I should have ducked!

From General Discussion / Unfinished poetry
Posted 20 Apr 12 15:56
A girl with a quadrupal fanny
Went out with a bilingual tranny
But tranny Phil told me
All four of 'em's mouldy
On Britain's long reigning old queen

She's been to the doctor's appointments
And she's tried all the expensive ointments
But they're now all inflamed
He says the old cah's in pain
And now they're all oozin' stuff green

The Duke says the bloody green mess is
Gettin' on to 'is wife's royal dresses
And he likes wearin' her clothes
But 'e aint wearin' those
The duke says they need t' be cleaned

The tranny duke says he's now very worried
Well he's wonderin' now what he has married
Her fannies aren't smellin' pissy
He says they smell more like fishy
And out from one last night popped out a bream!

There was an old harlot from Bedord
Who went to the local Esteddfod
But chaps who use pens
Tend to prefer men
So the old bag told them her name's Edward

From General Discussion / Unfinished poetry
Posted 19 Apr 12 15:03
There once was a girl from Shanghai
With a fanny the width of her thigh
She was a very shy girl
Quite hairy as well
And I'll always remember her eye

Her eye was a deep azure blue
She'd stick it on with strong super glue
And her wide fanny would smile
Or grin for a while
Then start suddenly spitting at you

Her fanny it had a long tongue
It would stretch all the way to her bum
Most Shanghai girls use a cat
Not hearsay, it's fact,
To lick their bums clean or else a nun

Those nuns from 'St.Lil's-on-the-hill'
Would enjoy it, they'd say it's God's will
Mind you that old Father Dobbs
He'd charge a few bob
Though he'd lick until he felt quite ill

From General Discussion / Unfinished poetry
Posted 19 Apr 12 14:26
A git on the Whitechapel Road
Was noisily chewing a toad
They're nice wiv french fries
Or baked in toad pies
Or in sandwiches just eaten cold

Yurrs ago outside old 'ackney dogs
There'd be Sid wiv 'is eels, toads 'n' frogs
Just sold from a stall
Long queues there annal
Yeah, old Sid fand 'em easy t' flog

All caught by 'imself from the Lea
And some winklin' at Leigh-on-sea
Yeah, that crafty old Sid
Made a fortune 'e did
Well he got the bleedin' fings fer free

Yeah, old Sid made a mint at that game
Sold in jelly or cooked over a flame
Mind you times move orn
Old Sid's well dead 'n' gorn
Now it's toad shish kebabs on Brick Lane!

From Magazine Discussion / All Our Yesterdays - Blazing Row In Wheelhouse Of RMS Titanic As It Almost Hits Iceberg
Posted 9 Apr 12 12:37
Many years ago I remember a cartoon I saw in a newspaper (it wasn't a strip cartoon, each day the tabloids would have a few individual cartoons). Two elderly women were coming out from a cinema after having watched the film. Behind them are posters on the walls at the entrance to the cinema about the film - 'Fantastic', 'Best Film Ever', 'Not to be missed', 'A Masterpiece', 'Absolutely Brilliant' and so on. In the cartoon one of the women has her head turned to her friend. In her bubble she's saying to her friend the words, 'Not bad!'

Just sayin' !!!

From General Discussion / What Vintage Automobile Describes Fellow Spoofers?
Posted 3 Apr 12 13:52
Me? I've been ducking and diving (or dodging), all my life so I suppose it would have to be one of those dodgem cars at a fairground.

From News Discussion / Metropolitan Police Service Savaged by Animal Rights Watchdog Over Shooting of Crazed Dog
Posted 23 Mar 12 15:34
Just read it. Terrific. 5*.

From News Discussion / Hoard of Spoof Story Tags Found in Postman's Shed
Posted 12 Mar 12 19:31
Saw this in approvals then immediately went through top writers list to find out who had written this brilliant piece. Automatic 5. Terrific!

From News Discussion / Emergency Room Visits Hit Record High on Valentines Day
Posted 15 Feb 12 14:37
5*- Deserves more.

From General Discussion / My Great-Grandfather
Posted 11 Feb 12 23:55
My great grandfather (dad's side) was known as a 'rag 'n' bone' man. Not sure, but he probably worked with his horse and cart around the same area where my dad lived as a boy - Hoxton (City of London). True that!

From News Discussion / Contents Of The Queen's Handbag Revealed In New Book!
Posted 7 Feb 12 00:48
Thanks QM. (It's annoyed at least one reader - 1 Starred me. Hooray!!!)

From General Discussion / Favourite Headline - What's Yours
Posted 1 Feb 12 13:42
Mine (so far) is; 'A Dog's Dinner 'Fit For A Queen'.
Both were well known expressions, and both fitted the content of the story. Praad of that I was/am!!!

Generally I try not to reveal too much to the reader with my story headlines (obviously means some visit points are lost). Hopefully those who do visit my stories then go away feeling glad that they did!

From Magazine Discussion / Spanza47b. (Part One)
Posted 1 Feb 12 13:01
Thanks for putting in those links Chris (from what I've been reading on the Bad Romance forum it seems I'm not the only one who doesn't have a clue how to do links!) So thanks.

As for this Spanza47b story, you'll see now why I'd pointed out earlier that it's not really a 'romance' (good or bad) as such. And I do already have one entry in the 'Bad Romance' comp. (It could easily go on to become one though if the alien was to make another visit!)

On reflection I think EQ is definitely right. I think I just about got away with the monologue as Part One but was pushing my luck by making it into a lengthy four parter monologue. If I return to the character in future I think I'd be 'tightening the reins' so to speak.

Fun writing it though - and thanks to you Chris and the others who 5'd it - and thanks especially for all the comments. Would appreciate any overall comments actually. As Benny Hill would sometimes say,

'Learning all the time'.

From Magazine Discussion / Spanza47b. (Part One)
Posted 30 Jan 12 12:27
As a comedy sketch(the way I was imagining it in my mind when writing it) Fred would be responding in non-speaking ways - facial expressions, concurring nods etc. This 'rambling-on' speaker is a character I'm now thinking I'd like to use in more stories like this one. If I can make it work as a single speaking role, well that would at least make it a little bit different to the Two Ronnies/Pete and Dud tradition. Early days with this - Spoof's 'Magazine' provides the ideal place to test the waters. But I do take your point Erskin.

I was in tears of laughter when writing parts of this story - a good sign(I hope!)

Skoob: You're definitely right - it's little 'Ronnie Corbett' innit! I honestly hadn't realised it until you said.

From Magazine Discussion / Spanza47b. (Part One)
Posted 29 Jan 12 13:32
Thanks so much for those comments you lot. Had this one going 'rand in me 'ead' for a few weeks. I can see what you mean about Two Ronnies, Skoob - actually the person I was imagining saying the words when writing it was Dudley Moore, loosely based on the kind of sketches he'd do with Peter Cooke in the 'Not only...but also' TV program of the 60's. (very loosely based on that of course because in this case Peter Cooke would have to be a totally silent 'Fred' - don't fink Peter Cooke would have been able to manage that for long!)

Part Two's in approvals (had 6 reads but not 'in'!)

Four parts in all - as each goes 'in' I'll pop the next part into approvals.

Bad Romance? Wasn't sure if it would apply because it's not a romance as such. See what you fink after you've read the full story.

Thanks again - always hard to know how a story is going to be received. Inch - don't underestimate yourself mate!

Cheers guys.

From Magazine Discussion / How did I ever find time for work?
Posted 26 Jan 12 17:21
'Great' Britain?

What's that I've been hearing on the internet? Oh yes, 'We are anonymous, we are legion, we do not forgive, we do not forget. Expect us!'

From News Discussion / Sluts 'the key to world peace' say scientists
Posted 23 Jan 12 17:49
Welcome RDK - very funny opener - has to be a 5* from me.

From News Discussion / A Mixed Marriage - Gillian's Warning!
Posted 23 Jan 12 13:57
Thanks All.

Adoxography!!!! As did Chris I also had to look that one up.
Glad I did - seems this particular form of writing traces back to as far as ancient Greece - and there'd been me thinking for years it was just that I was a one-off kind of twit!

Next time I'm asked in my local why I always wear a tunic and sandals I'll tell them about that word adoxography.

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Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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