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Forum Home / News Discussion / The Spoof Acquired By The ONION In Hostile Takeover


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Forumbot
Automated
Posted: 23 Apr 20 00:29

Extract from Story:
BILLINGSGATE POST: The Wall Street Journal announced today that The ONION, an American satirical digital media company based in Chicago, has acquired its counterpart in Great Britain by going to its shareholders to get the acquisition approved; a hostile takeover that surprised money experts on both sides of the pond. Mark Lowton, who founded The Spoof in 2001, is said to have pocketed a tidy.....

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PLEASE NOTE: The story you are discussing is a JOKE. It is a SPOOF NEWS story written on a SPOOF NEWS website.


Monkey Woods
Dirty Ape
Monkey Woods

Location: Planet Earth
Registered: 29 Dec 06

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Posted: 23 Apr 20 00:31
A rather lovely thing.

5

Dr. Billingsgate
Academic zero, literary hero


Location: Galapagos Islands
Registered: 22 Feb 10

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Posted: 23 Apr 20 00:46
Thank you. Hope you enjoy your new position at The Onion. You deserved it.

Reggie "Rex" Stain
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Location: Vaduz, Liechtenstein
Registered: 13 Apr 20

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Posted: 23 Apr 20 01:56
Bravo! I would, however, made it a bit more cynical. . .

The Spoof was purchased for the tidy sum of a case of pork scratchings, a handful of penguin biscuits, and a keg of Courage Best Bitter.

We are a low budget rag.

But that is just me.

Really, good read, and perhaps one day may not be a spoof.

Monkey Woods
Dirty Ape
Monkey Woods

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Posted: 23 Apr 20 04:49

Quote: Dr. Billingsgate

Thank you. Hope you enjoy your new position at The Onion. You deserved it.




I think Nackers' job is safe.

Dewani Unhatched
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Dewani Unhatched

Location: Fort Lauderdale
Registered: 4 Dec 18

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Posted: 23 Apr 20 19:58
Here is one of mine from The Onion a few years back

I was going to rehash into the story below for the Coranovirus then realized it would probably infringe on some sort of copyright (mine? theirs? who owns me?) - but apparently it wouldn't so still toying with the idea.

Great article by the way Billingsgate. 5 from me.

Fort Lauderdale man and coronavirus survivor, David Pines, 38, is infuriating his friends and family after winning his two-week battle with COVID-19.

Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, Pines has been acting insufferably cocky.

Pines, who can’t even go five minutes without rubbing everyone’s face in his gratitude for being alive, has reportedly taken every possible opportunity to pat himself on the back for being virus-free.

“Since beating COVID-19, I feel like I have a new lease on life,” boasted Pines during yet another of his unbelievably self-aggrandizing stories about having 'the lungs of a teenager'. “I feel great, and my energy and appetite are back—even just doing mundane things like taking a walk or doing the dishes have this added significance now that I’m healthy.”

“Mainly, I’m going to focus on making the most of whatever time I have left on earth,” the self-centered showboat continued, once again subjecting everyone within earshot to another one of his overbearing, obnoxious vows not to waste the second chance he’s been given. “When you get through something like this, it really changes your perspective. You understand what’s truly important in life.”

Not content to gloat and strut about in front of just those in his immediate vicinity, the haughty, self-important prick says he plans to seek out the biggest audience he can get by starting a blog to advise and comfort others who are currently going through the same ordeal he went through.

Since returning to work last week, the pretentious blowhard has reportedly not been shy about discussing what he vainly refers to as his “journey.” Sources confirmed that, when asked, the egomaniac won’t hesitate to drone on about himself endlessly, talking about how he lost nearly 2 pounds during treatment or how he is just so humbled by the support of his loved ones, barely letting anyone else get a word in edgewise.

“At my lowest, it was tough going, for sure,” the out-of-control narcissist said, implying in so many words that everyone should bow down to his greatness for dealing with days of a sore throat, running nose and a headache. “But I would think of my family and how I wasn’t done spending time with them yet. That’s what got me through.”

Not content to gloat and strut about in front of just those in his immediate vicinity, the haughty, self-important prick says he plans to seek out the biggest audience he can get by starting a blog to advise and comfort others who are currently going through the same ordeal he went through.

Additionally, Pines, who at one point was given a 100% chance of survival, has wasted no time ramming his new life goals straight down everyone’s throats. Pompously citing his “clean bill of health,” the smug fuck is said to be incredibly adept at bringing any conversation back around to his selfish plans to travel to Europe, learn another language, and still be around to see his children graduate from college.

“If this experience has taught me one thing, it’s that we have to live our lives without regret,” said Pines, who amazingly was still able to speak, given how far he was up his own ass. “Because one day when you least expect it, it could all be taken away.”

“We only have this one life,” Mr. Look-At-Me-I-Beat-Coronavirus added, flashing his trademark shit-eating grin. “We have to make the most of it.”

At press time, the unbearable asshole was asking friends, coworkers, and loved ones to sponsor him for an upcoming walk as though it were a foregone conclusion they’d agree.



 
Any opinions expressed here are purely the opinions of the contributors and are not necessarily the opinions of The Spoof, its staff or the original writer of the spoof news/parody/satire story.

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