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Forum Home / News Discussion / Lempit Opik to give Donald Trump careers advice


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Forumbot
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Posted: 14 Feb 18 04:02

Extract from Story:
Beanpole, former stand up comedian, harmonica and spoon player, politician and surprisingly popular with the ladies, Lempit Opik is to give Donald Trump careers advice. In January 2018, Donald Trump will be taking lessons in re-invention from Madonna, guidance in spoon bending from Uri Geller, lessons in how to hold a government together from Teresa May, and Tea spilling lessons from Opik, as w.....

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PLEASE NOTE: The story you are discussing is a JOKE. It is a SPOOF NEWS story written on a SPOOF NEWS website.


Monkey Woods
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Monkey Woods

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Posted: 14 Feb 18 04:09
I object to this story on many levels.

My principal objection to this story is that the 'Lempit Opik' within the title is actually the former boyfriend of one of the Cheeky Girls, Lembit Opik, which makes all the difference if you are searching for interesting anagrammatical alternatives to the man's name, which I was, when I discovered "Kip O'Timble" several years ago.

I hope this has been a lesson to you.

To have ambitions, was my ambition
Mark
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Mark

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Posted: 14 Feb 18 11:33
I found this on Wikipedia.

Lempit Opik (1879-1930) was a manufacturer of biscuits from the German city of Ausberg in south-west Bavaria. Son of Lemartz Opik, the inventor of the cheese grater, and his African-born mother Pitah, Lempit takes his name as a compound of the first syllables of his parents, as is the tradition in Germany.

His father, a Frenchman by birth, was determined his son should have access to the high-quality education he was denied in his youth in France. Accordingly, when Lempit was eight, he was apprenticed to McVitie's in Edinburgh, Scotland, where he learned the classics. Namely, flour, butter and sugar. Lempit excelled in all aspects of biscuit manufacture and, at the age of 13, he invented the digestive biscuit, but his recipe was stolen by a man who would go on to become his arch-enemy, Alexander Grant.

On his father's death in 1895, the young Opik left McVitie's and returned to his native home. With the inheritance from his father's cheese grater legacy, Lempit set up his own biscuit manufacturing plant in Bavaria. Enjoying only moderate success in his lifetime, Lempit was beset with industrial saboteurs and many of his original inventions, including the Fig Roll and Jaffa Cake, were stolen before he could profit by them.

This all culminated, when, at the age of 51, Lempit was found murdered in his office. He had been working on a secret recipe for a new product made of two chocolate biscuits, sandwiched with chocolate cream, and then covered in milk chocolate. Opik had named the new biscuit a Reticulated Giraffe (in his native German, Netzgiraffe), after his mother's favourite animal. Product development was well underway with packaging designs featuring beautiful pictures of proud reticulated giraffes in the wild, and even a marketing slogan, "Nimm einen Netzgiraffe" (Pick up a reticulated giraffe).

Investigations into Opik's death centred around a young apprentice at Lempit's biscuit factory, a Scotsman from Glasgow named William McDonald. McDonald had worked closely with Opik during his apprenticeship and was the last man to see Lempit alive, but no conclusive evidence could be found to link McDonald with Opik's death.

Soon after the killing, McDonald went back to Glasgow and set up his own biscuit firm with funding from Sir Alexander Grant. From 1932, McDonald began production of the famous Penguin biscuit.

Spoofing all over the world
Erskin Quint
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Posted: 14 Feb 18 20:17
Two things:

  1. This story is far too long.
  2. Wow! Let's make '"Nimm einen Netzgiraffe" (Pick up a reticulated giraffe).' the Spoof Mission Statement! You know it makes Sense!


I think Reticulated Giraffes could well become this year's Thing.

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victor nicholas
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victor nicholas

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Posted: 15 Feb 18 02:12 - Edited By: victor nicholas, 15 Feb 18 02:13
This is one of the finest stories ever posted on The Spoof. Clearly hall of fame material, right up with Erskine's treatise on Isambard Kingdom Brunel.


Quote: Mark

I found this on Wikipedia.

Lempit Opik (1879-1930) was a manufacturer of biscuits from the German city of Ausberg in south-west Bavaria. Son of Lemartz Opik, the inventor of the cheese grater, and his African-born mother Pitah, Lempit takes his name as a compound of the first syllables of his parents, as is the tradition in Germany.

His father, a Frenchman by birth, was determined his son should have access to the high-quality education he was denied in his youth in France. Accordingly, when Lempit was eight, he was apprenticed to McVitie's in Edinburgh, Scotland, where he learned the classics. Namely, flour, butter and sugar. Lempit excelled in all aspects of biscuit manufacture and, at the age of 13, he invented the digestive biscuit, but his recipe was stolen by a man who would go on to become his arch-enemy, Alexander Grant.

On his father's death in 1895, the young Opik left McVitie's and returned to his native home. With the inheritance from his father's cheese grater legacy, Lempit set up his own biscuit manufacturing plant in Bavaria. Enjoying only moderate success in his lifetime, Lempit was beset with industrial saboteurs and many of his original inventions, including the Fig Roll and Jaffa Cake, were stolen before he could profit by them.

This all culminated, when, at the age of 51, Lempit was found murdered in his office. He had been working on a secret recipe for a new product made of two chocolate biscuits, sandwiched with chocolate cream, and then covered in milk chocolate. Opik had named the new biscuit a Reticulated Giraffe (in his native German, Netzgiraffe), after his mother's favourite animal. Product development was well underway with packaging designs featuring beautiful pictures of proud reticulated giraffes in the wild, and even a marketing slogan, "Nimm einen Netzgiraffe" (Pick up a reticulated giraffe).

Investigations into Opik's death centred around a young apprentice at Lempit's biscuit factory, a Scotsman from Glasgow named William McDonald. McDonald had worked closely with Opik during his apprenticeship and was the last man to see Lempit alive, but no conclusive evidence could be found to link McDonald with Opik's death.

Soon after the killing, McDonald went back to Glasgow and set up his own biscuit firm with funding from Sir Alexander Grant. From 1932, McDonald began production of the famous Penguin biscuit.


"Vottznewpuzzykatt?"
Monkey Woods
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Posted: 16 Feb 18 08:37 - Edited By: Monkey Woods, 16 Feb 18 08:40
Oh, sorry. I didn't know about the 'biscuit bloke'. I thought he meant that politician fuckwit.


To have ambitions, was my ambition
Mark
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Posted: 16 Feb 18 09:07
Did you see that video of him teabagging David Cameron in those crotchless gold hotpants?

Very cheeky.

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Monkey Woods
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Posted: 16 Feb 18 14:13
No, but I'm now going to go and look for it.

To have ambitions, was my ambition
Erskin Quint
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Posted: 17 Feb 18 20:44
I do agree. Quite remarkable invention.


Quote: victor nicholas

This is one of the finest stories ever posted on The Spoof. Clearly hall of fame material, right up with Erskine's treatise on Isambard Kingdom Brunel.


Quote: Mark

I found this on Wikipedia.

Lempit Opik (1879-1930) was a manufacturer of biscuits from the German city of Ausberg in south-west Bavaria. Son of Lemartz Opik, the inventor of the cheese grater, and his African-born mother Pitah, Lempit takes his name as a compound of the first syllables of his parents, as is the tradition in Germany.

His father, a Frenchman by birth, was determined his son should have access to the high-quality education he was denied in his youth in France. Accordingly, when Lempit was eight, he was apprenticed to McVitie's in Edinburgh, Scotland, where he learned the classics. Namely, flour, butter and sugar. Lempit excelled in all aspects of biscuit manufacture and, at the age of 13, he invented the digestive biscuit, but his recipe was stolen by a man who would go on to become his arch-enemy, Alexander Grant.

On his father's death in 1895, the young Opik left McVitie's and returned to his native home. With the inheritance from his father's cheese grater legacy, Lempit set up his own biscuit manufacturing plant in Bavaria. Enjoying only moderate success in his lifetime, Lempit was beset with industrial saboteurs and many of his original inventions, including the Fig Roll and Jaffa Cake, were stolen before he could profit by them.

This all culminated, when, at the age of 51, Lempit was found murdered in his office. He had been working on a secret recipe for a new product made of two chocolate biscuits, sandwiched with chocolate cream, and then covered in milk chocolate. Opik had named the new biscuit a Reticulated Giraffe (in his native German, Netzgiraffe), after his mother's favourite animal. Product development was well underway with packaging designs featuring beautiful pictures of proud reticulated giraffes in the wild, and even a marketing slogan, "Nimm einen Netzgiraffe" (Pick up a reticulated giraffe).

Investigations into Opik's death centred around a young apprentice at Lempit's biscuit factory, a Scotsman from Glasgow named William McDonald. McDonald had worked closely with Opik during his apprenticeship and was the last man to see Lempit alive, but no conclusive evidence could be found to link McDonald with Opik's death.

Soon after the killing, McDonald went back to Glasgow and set up his own biscuit firm with funding from Sir Alexander Grant. From 1932, McDonald began production of the famous Penguin biscuit.



SERIOUS ABOUT DRIVEL

 
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