Discussion Forum

Dear Spoof

Is it true that one's ears get larger with age or do they simply appear larger
as the rest of one's body shrinks?

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Quote: victor nicholas

Dear Spoof

Is it true that one's ears get larger with age or do they simply appear larger
as the rest of one's body shrinks?

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It depends...if your hearing gets worse and you have to get closer to them to hear them it could just be you are closer.

Dear Spoof,

If a story gets published and it gets 0, I mean nobody reads it at all, outside of the poor sods who got it published....and it is clearly visible on the Spoof site, nobody can say it isn't there because it is, the links function, etc...is it really published?

Dear Jino

Of course a story can be published and not read.

Conversely a barn can be red and not published.

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Quote: JinoLeFeeto

Dear Spoof,

If a story gets published and it gets 0, I mean nobody reads it at all, outside of the poor sods who got it published....and it is clearly visible on the Spoof site, nobody can say it isn't there because it is, the links function, etc...is it really published?

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Oh I'm sorry for my misspelling I did mean can a story be "red" not read, so it should have "read" "If nobody reds it all..."

Dear Spoife

I am writing to complain about the dwindling quality of the letters in your letters page.


Just today I read a dreary diatribe about ears. The writer seems to be worried that his ears are growing with age, or something.


Good grief. Where are the days when your letter-writers were adventurers of the epistolary art, and jousted with such subject-matter as the mandarin, the cormorant, and the narwhal.


Let us get back to those halcyon days. No more ears!

We the undersigned pledge this request for less letters about ears:


Prince Charles
Dumbo
Noddy & Big Ears
Martin Clunes
Gary Lineker
Russell Tovey

Dear Spoofe

all this talk about ears brings to mind the chronicles of the great Corsican explorer, Tesco Van Morrison.

Who can forget his visit to the Blue-Faced Grandmother-Boilers of the Ngobogo Hinterland, who venerated their elderly folk, and ranked them in order of the size of their ears and noses?

Or the time he reached the Dongo Dongo warriors, an exclusive sect of long-nosed spearmen belonging to the Wahahuli Dung-Collectors of the Great Bahihi Plains?

Not I.

But foremost in this context, now that noses and ears are de rigeur, and quite the thing, must surely be his sojourn of 1857 with the Whispering Ear-Stretchers of Western Swabalumbuland. There he witnessed the terrifying initiation rituals wherein the young boys and girls were hung by their earlobes for a week by the Yellow-Eyed Shamen. Those whose ears survived the ritual became fully-fledged tribespersons. Those whose ears were torn asunder, were thrown to the tribal hippopotami.

It is hardly surprising, with such a legacy from those halcyon days of Empire and exploration, that the concern for ears and noses runs on.

yours faithfully

Colonel Reginald Bloodblyster-Mousetrappe

Dear Splaffe,

we write to inform you that the letter which was published in your journal on the 12th inst., namely the epistle purporting to be the work of a Colonel Bloodblyster-Mousetrappe, is a work of fiction containing falsehoods on the subject of the voyages of Tesco Van Morrison, and which was perpetrated by a bogus individual.

We act for the estate of Snr Tesco Van Morrison in this matter and would be grateful of your response by return in the form of a public retraction of the said epistle.

Failing this, we will be forced to issue a writ of habeas drivel, notwithstanding your probable stance of in utero ab vocub - see Mrs Paffle v. Halifax Fustians and Stuffings Ltd., 1898 .

Yours

Jolian Quelp

Quelp, Quellp, Lodestone, Quelpe & Halfshafte

Attorneys at Law, Commissioners of Oaths, and Drawers up of Writs.

Dear Spoof

I understand that the United Kingdom is planning on leaving the European
Union.

Looking at a map it appears that Great Britain is a number of islands that may have departed from Europe in the Triassic age.

Is this news?

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Quote: victor nicholas

Dear Spoof

I understand that the United Kingdom is planning on leaving the European
Union.

Looking at a map it appears that Great Britain is a number of islands that may have departed from Europe in the Triassic age.

Is this news?

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Dear is this snews?

It is only news to the fucking dinosaurs, whom are not extinct, they are in your house of poo, or house of "commons" as you call it over there.

Jeeno, Oh to be in the Land of Pooh!

Yeah, baby, we are extinct.

Extinct, and loving it.

Enjoy "life", puny humankind.

Mr A. Brontosaurus
Oblivion