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Does anyone know where I can get hold of a papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake?

I traded mine in for a daguerreotype depicting Moses playing leapfrog with Nancy Sinatra at Weston Super Mare while Pele shows Nigel Farage how to knit a balaclava that would fit a shrunken head.

I heard the bus-boot sale at Lesser Warbles has an excellent range of antiquities and crap.

I myself purchased there a lycra leotard which once belonged to none other than famous tap dancer Lionel Smudge, and I only had to pay three Durex to have the stains cleaned out of it.

I now wear it in the parlour to frighten my maid Shamonne, who sadly suffers from gout. I really must stop feeding her my deep fried marzipan bourguignon.

Dear Sir

thank you for your message.

However, as far as obtaining a papier mache bust of Hereward the Wake goes (which is rather a long way), it is quite useless I am afraid.

I am finding that there is a marked shortage of Hereward the Wake paraphernalia these days.

It is indeed a sign of these blighted and barbarous times, which are far removed from the enlightened "halcyon" days of Hereward the Wake, who would cruise along the King's Highway in his chariot reciting epic poetry and playing his golden bugle.

But why do I continue? Where are the readerships of today who would care a fig for Hereward's epic poetry, much less for his golden bugle?

yours sorrowfully,

E Quint

Perhaps you should visit the Hereward the Wake Museum in Arequipa, Peru. They have a stuffed bear which is claimed to be the one Hereward fought while abroad in Flanders. Also they have the supposed finger bones of his second wife Alftruda.

I have no knowledge of whether they have a bust of him. You can visit
their website at www.herewardthewakemuseum.pe, which seems to be down at the moment.

Dear Mr Dickface

thank you for your valuable information.

I am not aware of an instance wherein Hereward the Wake fought a stuffed bear in Flanders, but I bow to your superior research.

Thanks to the Venerable Bede, I do know that Richard The Lionheart fought a stuffed komodo dragon while on holiday in Trinidad, while riding a pantomime horse.

What he was doing in Trinidad is beyond me - komodo dragons are normally restricted to Indonesia.

The finger bones I give you. I have no use for extra finger bones in this hot weather.

Mr Queer,

Perhaps you would be interested in the Tokyo museum of Ningyo Ningen - also known as The Art of Human Puppetry. Their stuffed sumo wrestlers fight twice daily. You can really hear the chafing of dead flab.

Mr Duckface

have you e'er encountered a stuffed taxidermist on your travels?

Vera Boute
Nuneaton Borough Supporters Club

Dear Mrs Boute,

These days I mostly travel to a marvellous and splendiferous place called the imagination. That's where I discovered all of the above museii and their assorted artifacts. I recommend you try visiting it yourself, particularly after some mushrooms or elk urine.

Sometimes Hereward even speaks to me, and I can hear his voice. I'm not quite sure what he's saying but I think he needs me to fetch him some milk.

Yours unconsciously,
Sir Geoffroy (I managed to write it this time without my usual terrible nominative written Tourette's) Cockface. Oh dear!

Dear Mr Cokeface,

I was inspecting one of my sites this morning and would you believe it, some bastard threw a lump of coal and knocked my hat off! And as you know, that is one hell of a hat! I had to hand it to him. Not the hat. I keep the hat. I should give a hat like that away to these schlemiels.

yours

Isambard Kingdom Brunel