Jesus - My Fake Diary

Monday, 6 February 2012

Dear Diary,

Well, the football season is over now, so I think it's finally time to talk about something that's been bugging the hell out of me all year. Tebow.

Let me make something crystal clear. I couldn't care less about the guy. Out of all the people that ask me for things, Tebow Is by far the most annoying. I mean, I give the guy credit for persistence, but this guy calls me all....the....time.

I was getting my hair straightened a while back,, and he called my cell asking if I could help him make it to the Super Bowl. I've told this kid a million times, I'm not a miracle worker. I mean sure, on a good day I can cure a blind guy. But giving a blind guy his sight back is a walk in the Garden of Eden compared to making this guy not suck.

Sure, there was this one time I helped him score a game winning touchdown for a total of 316 yards, but that was just because I had a little too much wine and my buddy John dared me to do it. (Contrary to popular belief, it can actually get pretty boring up here.) Every other day, I just roll my eyes whenever I see his number on my caller ID.

And I hate to break the news to everyone, but he's not the first athlete to get on a knee and thank me for things I had absolutely nothing to do with. But for some reason everyone acts like he invented prayer. If I had a dollar for every football player that thanked me because they thought I gave a crap about their last play, I'd have enough money to buy that autographed Tom Brady jersey I've been eyeing.

So no, I don't help Tim Tebow. If I ever decide to actually answer some of these calls, I'll probably say yes to some more important requests, like, oh, I don't know, giving a starving kid some food or once again helping the Giants win the Super Bowl.


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