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By author at 00:00 1 Jan 2000

Show all entries as a list.

Oh here we go. People will be expecting words of wisdom from me. How's this :Man should be looking for what is, and not what the thinks it should be.
By Lady Godiva at 11:59 19 Jul 2010
The grand aim of all science is to cover the greatest number of empirical facts by logical deduction from the smallest number of hypotheses or axioms.
By Lady Godiva at 12:11 19 Jul 2010
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."
By Lady Godiva at 13:55 19 Jul 2010
People always ask about my morning routine. Yes, I brush my teeth, shave, shower, and put on deodorant. No, I never brush my hair. I enjoy the wild look.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:05 19 Jul 2010
Does this wool coat make me look fat?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:05 19 Jul 2010
Before I invented the atomic bomb, some of my failures were the helium bomb, the vinegar bomb, and the f-bomb... wait, that one is still used.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:07 19 Jul 2010
Wait a minute! There was a series of movies about time travel called "Back to the Future"... and they named the dog after me!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:08 19 Jul 2010
What's with that restaurant chain using my name? I don't even like bagels!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:09 19 Jul 2010
Theory of relativity? E=MC2 was actually part of my mother's recipe for sauerkraut.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:11 19 Jul 2010
But if I trimmed and combed my hair, I wouldn't look like an eccentric genius.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:11 19 Jul 2010
I don't have a U.S. birth certificate either; are you sure I can't be President?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:12 19 Jul 2010
I've just looked in the mirror and I saw my father looking back at me. Oh...that's a window....Hi dad, fancy solving an equation or two?
By Lady Godiva at 14:12 19 Jul 2010
Why should I care whether or not Germany did well in the world cup this year? I'm and American now, so my favorite team is the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:13 19 Jul 2010
Don't you lot go putting ideas into my head or words in my mouth. I CAN think and speak for myself you know.
By Lady Godiva at 14:15 19 Jul 2010
I'm thinking about updating my image to look more modern. Where can I get my nipples pierced?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:15 19 Jul 2010
I'm jealous of the Harlem Globetrotters, Gilligan, the famous movie monsters, and everyone else in Hollywood. How come I never had an adventure with Skooby Doo?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:16 19 Jul 2010
I write for The Spoof these days, just for a laugh. I bet no-one can figure out which writer is really me.....Hmm! Maybe Mark will hold organize a competition. On 2nd thoughts....E=MC x L /67
By Lady Godiva at 14:17 19 Jul 2010
People asked me if I believe in God or if I'm an athiest. I'm Jewish; My prayers got answered and got me out of Nazi Germany, so what do you think?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:19 19 Jul 2010
I'm sick and tired of this wool coat. I want to look more modern. Where can I get a "members only" jacket?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:20 19 Jul 2010
I want Megan Fox to play my love interest in my upcoming biopic. Either that or the Olsen twins, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and lots of skanks.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:23 19 Jul 2010
E=mc2 is the most misunderstood thing I ever did. It's really my locker combination (I wrote it down so I wouldn't forget).
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:24 19 Jul 2010
Hitler had Mussolini and Laura and the Queen had the doctors. How come I don't get someone to talk to?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:25 19 Jul 2010
If you can't make out the words on the left breast of my jacket, it's an "I like Ike" campaign button.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:26 19 Jul 2010
i wonder what this photographer is doing after work? Would she like a little German food, like my wieinerschnitzel? I'd like to slip her the bratwurst.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:28 19 Jul 2010
Shit! I hate my last name. I should change it. Everyone thinks "Einstein" means that I should only be allowed one beer. Call me Albert Kegger from now on!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:29 19 Jul 2010
I'm never going to shave my mustache. Without it, I'd look like Barbara Bush!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:32 19 Jul 2010
Adolf and Benny were in black and white... Lizzy and Laura were in color... I'm in black and white... the next picture Mark picks will be in color!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:37 19 Jul 2010
I hate sitting for driver's license pictures. It never looks like you. I doubt that anyone will recognize that I'm really Angelina Jolie.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:38 19 Jul 2010
Things have sure changed since I died. Not only do people care about the hair on their heads looking good, they also trim their vaginas.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:39 19 Jul 2010
What a sucky picture. If you draw glasses on me, it looks like I've got one of those Groucho Marx things on. My nose really is too big.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:40 19 Jul 2010
When girls mention the size of my nose, I tell that that it is a direct corallary to the size of my penis. That's really what E=mc2 is all about: penis size and getting girls.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:41 19 Jul 2010
If I were still alive today, I'd probably be considered someone's crazy, weird old uncle. Also, I'd probably also be listed on the Obama death squad records.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:44 19 Jul 2010
I'm an old celebrity who has been out of the spotlight for many, many years. I'll bet that they ask me to be on "Dancing with the Stars!"
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:58 19 Jul 2010
When I was young, the kids used to make fun of my big nose. After I invented the atomic bomb... look who's laughing now?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:59 19 Jul 2010
My mom is going to be mad when she hears that it was school picture day. She would have combed my hair and not let me wear this old wool coat.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:04 19 Jul 2010
I can't decide. I looked at the recent pictures of that naked actress on the internet. Am I a "dirty old man" or a "sexy senior citizen?"
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:06 19 Jul 2010
I saved a young girl last night......I controlled myself!
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:07 19 Jul 2010
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2'
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:08 19 Jul 2010
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:09 19 Jul 2010
I'm throwing away my white, 70's leisure suit. I combed my hair on a trip to the south last week and everyone kept calling me Colonel Sanders.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:11 19 Jul 2010
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, thats what it means.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:12 19 Jul 2010
No, this isn't a humor website. Look closely at my picture; this is an aging program and this is how you'll look in fifty years.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:12 19 Jul 2010
E=mc2.... It's not just a good idea, it's a law!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:13 19 Jul 2010
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:14 19 Jul 2010
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:15 19 Jul 2010
My Father takes me to school every day...he has to, he's in the same class as me.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:17 19 Jul 2010
Why did we decide to blow up Hiroshima first? A cab driver stiffed me on my change there in 1923. I hope I blew his ass to Hell!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:17 19 Jul 2010
You have to be crazy, it stops you from going insane.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:18 19 Jul 2010
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he said I have to stop going to those places.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:19 19 Jul 2010
The theory is simples: if I stick around long enough then this crappy haircut will become fashionable click.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:21 19 Jul 2010
Two famous WWII era Germans in the first three caption competitions. Who's next? Speer? Rommel? Georing? Goebbels? I'll bet on the Bismark!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:27 19 Jul 2010
I really wear my hair this way to hide the fact that I have Dumbo sized ears.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:28 19 Jul 2010
You can't see what's written on the left breast of my coat. It's really the logo for the new Aeropostale line of wool coats.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:29 19 Jul 2010
Just take the picture... take the damned picture... I want to get this over with... take the damned picture already. If he says "say cheese" again it's atomic bomb time.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:38 19 Jul 2010
If Stephen Hawking tries to disprove any of my theories again, I'm going to go all e=mc2 on his ass.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:39 19 Jul 2010
No, I am not Groucho Marx at age 100. He wore glasses, remember?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:43 19 Jul 2010
I really, really, really hate hat hair.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:43 19 Jul 2010
E=mc2.... what it really means, in every day terms, is that "sometimes, you're just going to have a bad hair day." Look at me!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:44 19 Jul 2010
Sometimes I think that I should take Viagra just to get my hair to stand up straight.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:45 19 Jul 2010
Some woman took a look at my hair and asked if I was related to Cousin It. What's that all about?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:16 19 Jul 2010
I wanted to be a stand up comedian, but my act "bombed" when I performed it in Japan.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:14 19 Jul 2010
Some people think I look like Mark Twain, but I don't see the resemblence.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:15 19 Jul 2010
Guess what? I'm the new poster child for Mad Scientists Anonymous!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:15 19 Jul 2010
Remember, everything is made up of energy. Proof: How long can a man sit without lifting one cheek to fart?
By Bureau at 17:28 19 Jul 2010
Remember: A fool and his money are soon parted. Except in Mexico, where they are departed.
By Bureau at 17:29 19 Jul 2010
And so, being of sound mind, I hereby leave my hair style to Bob Dylan.
By Bureau at 17:33 19 Jul 2010
The atom bomb was OK but my favorite invention is the water-balloon bomb!
By Bureau at 17:39 19 Jul 2010
Remember: A pull and his finger are soon farted. Tooter Day, Class of '35
By Bureau at 17:41 19 Jul 2010
What's next? Will Barack Obama claim that his mythical Hawaiin birth certificate was destroyed in the Hiroshima or Nagasaki blasts?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:51 19 Jul 2010
E=mc2... Nope, even my scientific theories can't fix Obama's huge budget problems or the economy.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:52 19 Jul 2010
I combed my mustache once. A cheese sandwich fell out.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:54 19 Jul 2010
E=mc2. I tried E=mc3, but it burned the toast.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:57 19 Jul 2010
You like the coat huh? Got it off the special rack in Primark last week �1.50
By Herrdoktorfox at 18:24 19 Jul 2010
When I was a kid I had lots of pimples, so much so that one day I woke up in the library and a blind man was reading my face!
By Herrdoktorfox at 18:27 19 Jul 2010
....crotch hair transplant!
By Morse at 19:14 19 Jul 2010
Joe your heart out!
By Morse at 19:15 19 Jul 2010
...marmite, rub it in, leave it on for a few hours and rinse out..simple but stinky!
By Morse at 19:16 19 Jul 2010
Haircut? No problem, use the weed wacker every 6 months and use the edge trimmer bout the ears.
By Morse at 19:18 19 Jul 2010
who did you expect would be chairing this Spoof Conference on the 28th....Mark Lowton?
By Morse at 19:21 19 Jul 2010
Now listen very carefully, Morse, I'm going to tell you for the last time how to post a link. Idiot!
By Morse at 19:22 19 Jul 2010 in the back with the crooked thumb...yes I'm talking to you...wanna make somethin offit?
By Morse at 19:24 19 Jul 2010
If I unbuttoned my shirt and showed you my chest, you'd really shit your pants..I braided my nipple hairs!
By Morse at 19:26 19 Jul 2010
My idea for a TV series is called Star Trip where the universe is explored. There are transporters, food synthesizers and extraterrestrials. That?s the story of my life being ahead of everyone else.
By Philbert of Macadamia at 19:27 19 Jul 2010
I have figured out the scentific applications of the vuvuzela and it all boils down to... they irritate the shit out of everyone.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:27 19 Jul 2010
what do you mean stop playin with my joint! You try sittin here for two weeks while a bunch of arse holes make fun of you!
By Morse at 19:28 19 Jul 2010
The very first time I head the Beatles singing "Hey Jude," I thought that the whole final solution thing had started again. Even worse, they were called the "British Invasion."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:29 19 Jul 2010
Of course I've been to the Isle of Wight! Who do you think taught them all about eating PIE?
By Morse at 19:31 19 Jul 2010
Did you check the charts last week? That Bolivian Colonel was Exponentially Far F****g Out!
By Morse at 19:35 19 Jul 2010
Thanks to all you Spoofers for showing up, I enjoyed our little chat! Lynton, come on up and explain to the folks what the F**** I was talking about...Wankers!
By Morse at 19:38 19 Jul 2010
My secret? Stella with every meal keeps all the little grey cells in their place....just don't stick your thumb in the neck when trying to make a bloody point to a Scottsman!
By Morse at 19:40 19 Jul 2010
No, you idiot, I asked for a 'blow job' not a 'blow dry', now look what you did!
By Morse at 19:42 19 Jul 2010
I keep hearing this little jingle in me head:Brillcreme, Brillcreme, a little dab ill do ya", for the life of me I can't remember what it means or what you use the shit for!
By Morse at 19:44 19 Jul 2010
A lot of forehead, eh? You should see my foreskin, talk about causing a big flap!
By Morse at 19:46 19 Jul 2010
My story? Well I used to write for the Onion, but got bored and joined the Spoof to write some really funny weird shit. It ain't much, but at least I don't pull my hair out anymore, why do you ask?
By Morse at 19:53 19 Jul 2010
Ok God so you don't play dice - Let's see how you do at poker
By Lynton at 19:54 19 Jul 2010
Ok, so I'm ugly - bet you didn't screw Marilyn Monroe
By Lynton at 19:55 19 Jul 2010
Relativity? I'm the Daddy
By Lynton at 19:56 19 Jul 2010
I think you really need a Genealogist
By Lynton at 20:00 19 Jul 2010
Vot do I know about Relativity? Ha! I married my cousin!
By Lynton at 20:08 19 Jul 2010
Excuse me but does London stop at this plane?
By Lynton at 20:11 19 Jul 2010
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference - Now if I imagine I am standing on a chicken......
By Lynton at 20:16 19 Jul 2010
I zink Schroedinger's Cat just shit
By Lynton at 20:30 19 Jul 2010
I'm going to get a dog. I want something big... something that doesn't just squeak when you step on it. I would get a St. Bernard, but that sounds to damned Catholic.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:49 19 Jul 2010, I do not comb my hair with firecrackers!
By Abel Rodriguez at 22:04 19 Jul 2010
Okay, be honest. Does my horrendous hairdo make me look fat?
By Abel Rodriguez at 22:05 19 Jul 2010
All the kids think that their tattooes are so cool. I had a tattoo many years before they did. Of course, mine was just a string of numbers assigned to me by the Nazis...
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:22 19 Jul 2010
People assume that because I'm German and Jewish, I knew certain other people. No! I never Anne Frank!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:24 19 Jul 2010
Go on admit. I am one handsome looking devil huh?
By Abel Rodriguez at 22:43 19 Jul 2010
That's the last time I go to Super Cuts!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:26 19 Jul 2010
I hope my stepson, Garfunkel does well.
By Bureau at 00:22 20 Jul 2010
Boy do I look old. I'm beginning to look like "Grandpa Walton!"
By Bureau at 00:23 20 Jul 2010
I think I'll go visit Neils Bohr, the Danish physicist, discuss some theories, light a few farts.
By Bureau at 00:30 20 Jul 2010
Hmm! Methinks writers just love this competition so much...they forget to go vote .....hey......go vote.....
By Lady Godiva at 01:36 20 Jul 2010
I must stop all of this frivolous thinking....Here goes..If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.
By Lady Godiva at 01:45 20 Jul 2010
"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.
By Lady Godiva at 01:51 20 Jul 2010
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe
By Lady Godiva at 01:53 20 Jul 2010
Princeton retired me! I'm going to have to get a job now. I wonder if Walmart would hire me as a door greeter, or am I not old enough yet?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 02:17 20 Jul 2010
You too can have silver hair with One Touch Silver Shampoo.
By C. Cranium at 06:50 20 Jul 2010
Who's got time for a haircut, I'm trying to pick up chicks with math equations.
By C. Cranium at 06:54 20 Jul 2010
And we will call the speed of light Warp Factor One.
By C. Cranium at 06:56 20 Jul 2010
Simon unimpressed by Albert Einstein who can burp math equations to Ode to Joy.
By C. Cranium at 07:03 20 Jul 2010
I found my socks, but where is the comb?
By C. Cranium at 07:05 20 Jul 2010
Susan Boyle the first before picture.
By C. Cranium at 07:17 20 Jul 2010
I thought Princeton was in California, now I'm stuck in New Jersey.
By C. Cranium at 07:22 20 Jul 2010
You should have seen me before the makeover.
By C. Cranium at 07:23 20 Jul 2010
Albert, 84: Loves walks at sunset, white wine, casual sex, and math problems.
By C. Cranium at 07:26 20 Jul 2010
LaAlbert Johnson, 4/18/05, 6'8", 220#, Duke. 7th round goes to Nets.
By C. Cranium at 07:34 20 Jul 2010
I've got it. 2xMass Speed of Light Cubed = Universe GPS of lost socks.
By C. Cranium at 07:39 20 Jul 2010
Howdy Partner. Today only. 1948 Packards, 10% less than dealer list, 4 left.
By C. Cranium at 07:51 20 Jul 2010
Before Metomucil.
By C. Cranium at 07:53 20 Jul 2010
Relativity inventor, and member of hair club for men.
By C. Cranium at 07:57 20 Jul 2010
You set the table and I'll get the mass and enery.
By C. Cranium at 08:00 20 Jul 2010
Oppenheimer ist eine girly scientist.
By C. Cranium at 08:06 20 Jul 2010
If I only had abs to go with my hair.
By C. Cranium at 08:08 20 Jul 2010
And my favorite actor is Curly of the Three Stooges.
By C. Cranium at 08:26 20 Jul 2010
I'm glad I look so good, keeps me from thinking so hard.
By C. Cranium at 08:31 20 Jul 2010
keep taking shots at me and I'll change your writers desk again, Idiot!
By Morse at 10:21 20 Jul 2010
hmmmm....pussy penis vagina = PPV Squared....say, that's a bunch of Points!
By Morse at 10:28 20 Jul 2010
You gotta be strange to get some strange, and by the way... black holes do taste funny...
By P.M. Wortham at 12:12 20 Jul 2010
"I'm not only a member of hair club for men, I'm also the president."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 12:53 20 Jul 2010
The little logo on the left breast of my suit? No, it isn't a little alligator, it's my button that says "Nuke 'em all back to the stone age."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 12:55 20 Jul 2010
I'm not really a mad scientist; I just play one on TV.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 12:56 20 Jul 2010
Gok... you have got your work cut out my son.
By IainB at 13:11 20 Jul 2010
E=MC2? Good name for a hip hop artist. I think I'll get a recording deal.
By IainB at 13:13 20 Jul 2010
Flippity floppity flip, the mouse on the mobius strip. The strrip revolved, the mouse desolved, oooh I tear at my hair!
By IainB at 13:15 20 Jul 2010
I'm supposed to be thinking of a way of linking gravity to quantum mechanics, but all I can think about is how cute you look in that dress.
By IainB at 13:16 20 Jul 2010
Mark has made so many changes, even I haven't figured them all out yet.
By Bureau at 13:42 20 Jul 2010
What happened to the other two Faces that appeared on the cover of Time Magazine, Mussilini and Pussylini?
By Bureau at 13:44 20 Jul 2010
Who are you? Why are you trying to put these words in my mouth and these thoughts in my head? Are you trying to be funny? Adolf had things he did with people like you.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:44 20 Jul 2010
How would you like it if I MC squared you right here on the floor?
By Bureau at 13:45 20 Jul 2010
Why does everyone always want me to say "Very Interesting" or "We have ways to make you talk?" Do they think I have an accent or something?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:45 20 Jul 2010
I tried to get my brother in law, poor Hans Schultz, to leave Germany, but he was too stupid to go. When I told him he shouldn't be a sergeant for Hitler, he said "I know nothing!"
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:49 20 Jul 2010
Jewish men really do have the biggest schlongs. Why do you think we invented that Yiddish word? "Schlong" just sounds really "long."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:51 20 Jul 2010
Can anyone lend me a comb?
By Monkey Woods at 14:27 20 Jul 2010
I think Lowton should have left the site alone. Not even I can work it out now! The fruiting cake!
By Monkey Woods at 14:29 20 Jul 2010
What are you looking at? You want some? I'll give you some, you cake!
By Monkey Woods at 14:29 20 Jul 2010
For my next trick, I'm going to show you how eight eights make a thousand. 888 plus 88 plus 8 plus 8 plus 8 equals 1000. Piece of piss.
By Monkey Woods at 14:40 20 Jul 2010
And to think, zey model zer snoopy on mein face
By armfeetandtoe at 14:56 20 Jul 2010
"You like the makeover already?"
By Herrdoktorfox at 14:57 20 Jul 2010
If you move the letter E to the end, then took out the letter T, you would end up with Inseine - a very good observation! NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL GENIUS!!
By IN SEINE at 15:12 20 Jul 2010
"I could have won first prize (Best in show) in Crufts!"
By IN SEINE at 15:15 20 Jul 2010
Erm...nah...ah...if...nah...but...when you...nah...possibly...if only...squared...bugger!
By Skoob1999 at 15:40 20 Jul 2010
Must tell Sigmund about these Isle Of Wight News stories on the Spoof. They're fuggin' BRILLIANT!
By Skoob1999 at 17:39 20 Jul 2010
Hm! My nose is itching but I can't scratch it. Will one of you be so kind? I'll make up a special equation for you.
By Lady Godiva at 19:07 20 Jul 2010
People said I was 'armless. This picture is the living proof of that.
By Lady Godiva at 19:07 20 Jul 2010
Why has Mark given me such a bleeding great big bubble. No-one seems to be able to fill it. Unless they ramble on nonsensically, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah , bl
By Lady Godiva at 19:09 20 Jul 2010
That relativity thing has got me laid more times than Tiger Woods.
By Bureau at 19:11 20 Jul 2010
Oh what joy...Blah,blah,blah. I'm on a roll now. Blah,blah bloody blah. No stopping me now. Blah, blah. Feels like I've just discovered the Caramilk secret. Blah, blah, blah and even more blah, blah
By Lady Godiva at 19:16 20 Jul 2010
My first passport piccy.
By Fergus McCarthy at 23:42 20 Jul 2010
You saw Moe and Curley earlier. Now Mark has sent you Larry. At least he's consistant.
By Bureau at 01:20 21 Jul 2010
How do you like my new Spoof Writers layout? Mark and I worked late into the night over that one.
By Bureau at 01:21 21 Jul 2010
"Ashley Greene Apologizes To Kristen Stewart " I can't wait to read that one.
By Bureau at 01:23 21 Jul 2010
Golda Meir, she wanted me to be their first president. She was so young. But ugly even then.
By Bureau at 01:26 21 Jul 2010
I always hated it when I had a boner and people would still look at my brain.
By Bureau at 01:27 21 Jul 2010
We men always think with the penis. With my brain, can you imagine the size of my penis?
By Bureau at 01:28 21 Jul 2010
If you want ma body
By Fergus McCarthy at 09:18 21 Jul 2010
If you want ma body, and ya think I'm sexy, come on sugar let me know.....
By Fergus McCarthy at 09:20 21 Jul 2010
If I could turn back time... If I could find a way....
By Fergus McCarthy at 09:23 21 Jul 2010
5 Numbers! Five friggin numbers!! Rollover weekend and five bastard numbers!!!!!!
By Fergus McCarthy at 11:54 21 Jul 2010
I feel pretty! Oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay!!
By Fergus McCarthy at 12:00 21 Jul 2010
Yes, she was plump and thick about the middle, but, boy... could she help an old scientist play 'hide the sausage!'
By Basic Disaster at 14:28 21 Jul 2010
" Vit da Shamwow I can kleen up da messies in mein laboratory lickity-split!"
By Basic Disaster at 14:32 21 Jul 2010
" Listen! For the tenth time....I am not Throckmorton P. Turdblossom!"
By Basic Disaster at 14:33 21 Jul 2010
Ducks, like chicks, are only interested in you if you're carrying bread.
By Bureau at 16:06 21 Jul 2010
Normal? The only normal people I ever knew were the ones I never was around.
By Bureau at 16:07 21 Jul 2010
I don't like prostitutes. They have sold out, if you ask me.
By Bureau at 16:08 21 Jul 2010
Personally, I have always hated political jokes. Too many of them make it into office.
By Bureau at 16:09 21 Jul 2010
My mother had gossip dyslexia. She talked about people in front of their backs! She was never popular, even before she had me.
By Bureau at 16:14 21 Jul 2010
I thought I had a biggy until my wife said that she had one five feet, six inches long!
By Bureau at 17:21 21 Jul 2010
I asked my Mother if I were adopted. She told me, "Not yet, Albert, Not Yet!"
By Bureau at 17:27 21 Jul 2010
I have discovered that women need a reason to have sex, wher men want a place.
By Bureau at 17:47 21 Jul 2010
By funwithwords at 18:16 21 Jul 2010
You have your answer, now beat it. I will Not be Santa Claus this year.
By funwithwords at 18:21 21 Jul 2010
No, 'tis Not a joke. You really are the 100,000th visitor. Now, go on and collect your prize.
By funwithwords at 18:28 21 Jul 2010
Why must you insist on fucking with me?
By funwithwords at 18:29 21 Jul 2010
I would like to say something but my mind's gone blank.
By Lady Godiva at 18:50 21 Jul 2010
For twenty five years my Mother fed us kids this day we have still not located the original meal!
By Herrdoktorfox at 19:00 21 Jul 2010
Our family was so poor on my 12th birthday my parent gave me an empty box. Dad told me it was an Action Man Deserter kit.
By Herrdoktorfox at 19:01 21 Jul 2010
My Doctor told me I had only six months to I could not pay him he has gave me another six months
By Herrdoktorfox at 19:04 21 Jul 2010
I want my children to have all the things I never had.......then I want to move in with them!!
By Herrdoktorfox at 19:05 21 Jul 2010
I ate some really hot Mexican food last night. This morning, I think that I invented the Atomic Bumm!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:21 21 Jul 2010
If I had to do it all over again, I'd have dropped the bomb on the plant that makes Toyotas. Damned recall!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:22 21 Jul 2010
The major difference between German women in the 40's and women right now is...our women only shaved their mustaches, American girls shave everything else.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:25 21 Jul 2010
No, I refuse to dye my hair red so that I look more like Ronald McDonald.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:26 21 Jul 2010
Some Americans are upset that I married my first cousin. At least I didn't sleep with four or five of them before I made up my mind!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:28 21 Jul 2010
The world's greatest invention, more important than the wheel, fire, or E=mc2, is viagra. It has done more to uplift men than anything else but Playboy magazine.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:30 21 Jul 2010
Someone asked me if, as a scientist, I thought the biggest hole on earth was Carlsbad Caverns. No, I think the biggest hole on earth is Rosie O'Donnell.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:31 21 Jul 2010
When I thought up e=mc2, I never had all these fancy new letters that Mexican gangs use when the "tag" and grafitti buildings.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:32 21 Jul 2010
There is nothing wrong with being lazy and shallow as long as you can come up with big words to describe it.
By Bureau at 19:33 21 Jul 2010
Every morning, I thank God that I lived in a day and time when someone had a bigger nose than me. Bless you, Jimmy Durante!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:33 21 Jul 2010
My wife used to get mad at me until I proved to her that e=mc2 was the scientific theorom that showed the toilet seat is supposed to stay up.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:35 21 Jul 2010
If I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't flee Germany and go to America. I'd pick Brazil. They have more nude beaches and interesting shaving styles.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:36 21 Jul 2010
People asked me if I wanted to be on board the Enola Gay when we dropped the atomic bomb. Are you kidding! I wanted to be under my bed 10,000 miles away!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:48 21 Jul 2010
When I was in school, I wasn't always the fastest runner in class. I'd win all my races, however, by a "nose."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:49 21 Jul 2010
We exploded one of the first hydrogen bombs on Bikini Island. What a stupid idea! We should have exploded it on "Fat Chicks in Lycra" Island and gotten rid of them.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:50 21 Jul 2010
No, that's not my real hair. I have a Chia pet on my head.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:51 21 Jul 2010
Some people ask if there were any reasons why I left German and helped the Allies to win the war. I can give you six million reasons.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:52 21 Jul 2010
Is there anyone out there???? If you LIKE a caption click on the word 'Like' printed in red........This is a wonderful competition.
By Lady Godiva at 20:12 21 Jul 2010
"Don't cry for me, Argentina. I was never supposed to sing..." Okay, I'll shut up about that movie... but I can still sing and act better than Madonna can!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 20:15 21 Jul 2010
Have you read the bits below my picture. Last time I looked down it was '7 tips to get pregnant'. I can tell you now - there's only ONE bloody way that works.......
By Lady Godiva at 20:16 21 Jul 2010
I still don't understand the problem with marrying a cousin. In the end, you only need to do half as much geneaology.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 20:16 21 Jul 2010
I had a dream last night that Angelina Jolie adopted me. Oh, Angelina! Can I start breast feeding now?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 20:18 21 Jul 2010
I'm glad I'm not a woman. Then I'd have to refuse to leave the house because every day would be a "bad hair day."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 20:19 21 Jul 2010
Whatever you do, don't try d=mc2. It makes McDonalds charge you twice as much for a Big Mac combo meal.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 20:20 21 Jul 2010
Someone said that Lindsay Lohan had to go to prison. Does this mean that she's jail bait all over again?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 20:22 21 Jul 2010
I tried working with f=mc2, but my wife said that it made half of the socks disappear in the washing machine.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 20:28 21 Jul 2010
The girls at Princeton think I'm a love machine. I tell them that it is all mathematics: the angle of the dangle is equal to the heat of the meat; and I'm a hottie!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 20:48 21 Jul 2010
Never tell me that something is as easy as pi. I make my students calculate it to over 100 decimal places. That's 3.1415926.....
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 20:51 21 Jul 2010
I was considered an idiot as a child. I was also small. I had to blow my nose throw my fly.
By Bureau at 21:03 21 Jul 2010
Still, I was popular at school from the time in philosophy class when I proved that the teacher didn't exist. From there on, we ignored him.
By Bureau at 21:05 21 Jul 2010
Sometimes I used a pen name when I wrote into magazines. Usually it was Waterman.
By Bureau at 21:07 21 Jul 2010
At school they thought I was retarded. I was so short I had to sneeze through my fly.
By Bureau at 21:11 21 Jul 2010
I was also popular at school. I proved to the philsophy professor that he didn't exist. For the rest of the year we ignored him.
By Bureau at 21:13 21 Jul 2010
I don't bother changing underwear much, but since getting married, my wife puts dates on them when I change.
By Bureau at 21:24 21 Jul 2010
I was smarter than my teachers when I was a student. I used to correct the text books.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:37 21 Jul 2010
They misunderstood me. I wanted to call it the "Adam" bomb, not the "Atom" bomb. I wanted to blow people past the stone age clear back to the Garden of Eden.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:38 21 Jul 2010
My honker is so big, I didn't have a "nose for neus," I had a "nose for neutrons."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:39 21 Jul 2010
In WWII, the soldiers used to call the Germans "Jerry's". I think that one of the guys putting words in my head is also a Jerry.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:40 21 Jul 2010
Hmmm. This is the last time I use Head'N'Shoulders Shampoo!
By queen mudder at 21:48 21 Jul 2010
Ya, ya, you're right! It IS birdshit on my jacket!!
By queen mudder at 21:48 21 Jul 2010
Zap away the mustache and I'm a dead ringer for Zsa Zsa Gabor!
By queen mudder at 21:49 21 Jul 2010
Don'tcha just hate that time of the month when ya can't do ANYTHING with your hair??
By queen mudder at 21:51 21 Jul 2010
I hate that they named a company "Einstein Bagels." I don't even like bagels! They taste like stale donuts. Why couldn't they name a titty bar after me? I love boobies!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:52 21 Jul 2010
If I were alive today, they'd think I'm too old to invent atomic bombs. They'd probably stuff me in a rest home or make me a greeter at WalMart.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:54 21 Jul 2010
People always get me and Hitchcock mixed up. I'm "Albert," he's "Alfred."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 01:12 22 Jul 2010
God. It hurts. Maybe if I just move my thigh... dammit! Well, that's over, and... oh, GOD! F--k, that smells like Curry chicken in a dirty diaper. Just play it cool, Al... Oh, God, I can TASTE it!!
By anthonyrosania at 01:24 22 Jul 2010
"So what, Albert," she says. "I forgot to pick up your dry-cleaning," she says. "Just wear my grey flannel housecoat to work tomorrow," she says. "Who'll notice?"
By anthonyrosania at 01:36 22 Jul 2010
So, Matthau will play me, and Meg Ryan will be my mother. Ok... What? My NIECE? Jesus, isn't she, like, 85? Ok, who plays the boyfriend? REALLY? The guy from Shawshank Redemption? HA! This'll suck.
By anthonyrosania at 01:48 22 Jul 2010
...the quantum properties of light mean that... Wow, look at the rib balloons on this photographer. E=RECT, honey! Here's another equation for you, baby. Your boobs plus EinsteinMeat = you, sticky.
By anthonyrosania at 01:51 22 Jul 2010
I now know how to reconcile my theory with String Theory!! THISIS HUGE! And so simple: The Laws of Physics are not... Oh, wow. Only 200 characters allowed? Well, perhaps next time.
By anthonyrosania at 01:56 22 Jul 2010
THAT'S IT! The laws of physics are not universal! The physical universe behaves differently in different places! This is the Unifying Theory! Sh-t, I hope I don't forget to write this down.
By anthonyrosania at 02:02 22 Jul 2010
Dammit, I can't get that friggin' song out of my head! "I wanna - I wanna - I wanna - I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha."
By anthonyrosania at 02:15 22 Jul 2010
Do you know who I am? You got me in a vendetta kind of mood. You tell the angels in Heaven you never seen Evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you.
By anthonyrosania at 02:29 22 Jul 2010
"So, don't hold it with your left hand," this a--hole tells me. I'm left-handed! So, what, since I'm left-handed I gotta keep my stupid 8-Gig 3G from two years ago? Genius Bar, my ass.
By anthonyrosania at 02:42 22 Jul 2010
Animals have two purposes in their lives, to taste good and to fit well. Hey, I'm not Albert Switzer!
By Bureau at 12:16 22 Jul 2010
The United States is probably the greatest country in the world, even if they did steal it from the Indians.
By Bureau at 12:18 22 Jul 2010
E=MC Lacefield. See, MC, I told you I'd get your name on here. Now quit writing me all thos letters.
By Bureau at 12:19 22 Jul 2010
Scientists, not me, have finally discovere the gene that causes alcoholism! He was at a party and telling bad jokes really loud.
By Bureau at 12:21 22 Jul 2010
You know what I have never seen in my entire life? A drunk that could carry a tune.
By Bureau at 12:22 22 Jul 2010
I used to head for the newspaper science section first thing. Now that I'm older, it's coffee, bagel & the obituary column!
By Bureau at 12:24 22 Jul 2010
Never worry about getting so old you can't remember anything. By that time, you won't know it anyway.
By Bureau at 12:25 22 Jul 2010
You know you're getting older when people see nyour puss and lie to your face that you're looking good!
By Bureau at 12:26 22 Jul 2010
I first realize that I wa getting much older the first time I went into an antique store and remembered everything I saw.
By Bureau at 12:27 22 Jul 2010
I groan louder over a good piece of chocolate cake now than I do after sex.
By Bureau at 12:29 22 Jul 2010
I was always against people picketing...but never could figure out how to show it. They always thought I was out there picketing WITH them.
By Bureau at 12:30 22 Jul 2010
I had hoped that my work would change the whole world...but that would take a mighty big diaper.
By Bureau at 12:31 22 Jul 2010
So the grocery clerk told me I had read the sign wrong. "It was right there by the green beans. "It doesn't take an Einstein to figure that out!"
By Bureau at 12:33 22 Jul 2010
It's that time of month that I always get upset easily. The rent is due.
By Bureau at 13:53 22 Jul 2010
Here's some good advice: Never get into a fight with an ugly person. They don't have anything to lose.
By Bureau at 13:57 22 Jul 2010
I've finally gotten so old that I really do fart dust!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:01 22 Jul 2010
Everyone made fun of me because I married a cousin. Well, now she's dead and I'm lonely. I wonder if I have any hot grand daugthers or nieces around?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:03 22 Jul 2010
Be careful if you ever try creating E=mc4 in your laboratory. It gave Igor and me the shits for a week.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:04 22 Jul 2010
I sometimes think that if we had dropped the atomic bomb on Haight Ashbury in the 60's, the world would have never noticed.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:05 22 Jul 2010
You can buy almost everything that you want in huge sizes and amounts at Sam's Club, but why don't they sell Viagra tablets by the gallon? I'd buy that!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:06 22 Jul 2010
I never realized that I could say so many funny things. Maybe I should be a contestant on Last Comic Standing? I could blow them away (no atom bomb pun intended).
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:08 22 Jul 2010
Everything has been said that needed to be said so anything that follows this will be tripe!
By Lady Godiva at 14:35 22 Jul 2010
They use tripe to make Menudo. Why should everything I say be considered a Mexican soup?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:47 22 Jul 2010
Wonder what's on TV tonight
By Colonel Juan at 15:04 22 Jul 2010
Sometimes I don't know why I bother.
By Colonel Juan at 15:06 22 Jul 2010
I could have been a contender..
By Colonel Juan at 15:08 22 Jul 2010
Suppose a quick fuck's out of the question..
By Colonel Juan at 15:09 22 Jul 2010
Of course I wear Depends Adult Diapers. See the twinkle in my eye? I just made a poopy, want to clean me up?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:34 22 Jul 2010
I was so smart while growing up that all I had were two imaginary friends, John and Alice. Most of the time they did stuff together and ignored me.
By Bureau at 16:34 22 Jul 2010
Once we moved close to the sea & I liked that. The beach was fun but the neighborhood cats would come out to the sand & cover me up.
By Bureau at 16:37 22 Jul 2010
It's all right you laughing!
By Inchcock at 16:48 22 Jul 2010
The initiation of procurement and its counterreaction, is a detraction, the counterattraction holds and leads to the pinguefaction and petrifaction via the stupefaction of the grey cells daily....
By Inchcock at 16:56 22 Jul 2010
I'm suing Head & Shoulders!
By Inchcock at 16:57 22 Jul 2010
The best thing about being a circus clown is that you don't have to ever worry about your hair, plus all the big shoes fit.
By Bureau at 18:50 22 Jul 2010
Wonder why people don't like me? They begin many sentences with, "Now I'm no Einstein..."
By Bureau at 18:51 22 Jul 2010
People are always saying, "That's a tired old cliche." To me, saying that is a tired old cliche!"
By Bureau at 18:52 22 Jul 2010
"If you can't beat them...then go talk to Big Schmo Jacobson & drop a C-Note into his big hand."
By Bureau at 19:40 22 Jul 2010
Someone is always saying that something was more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Have you ever smelled a barrel of monkeys? We used to get high that way at the lab.
By Bureau at 19:46 22 Jul 2010
I remember Mom being so proud of her home. "You can eat off the floor!" she was always saying. You can here at our house too, especially if you like stale bread bits.
By Bureau at 20:10 22 Jul 2010
"So, get this, she comes in, takes off her blouse and bounces those beauties right in front of me! Then Mileva walks in with a sausage and some bread for my lunch. Talk about bad timing!"
By Basic Disaster at 21:41 22 Jul 2010
It was always my father who wore the pants in my family. Especially after that day he was arrested in the park.
By Bureau at 22:06 22 Jul 2010
My mother always told me to keep my chin up. I kept running into doors. "See, she told the police. It can happen." They arrested dad anyway.
By Bureau at 22:09 22 Jul 2010
I can always close my eyes and see my old grandfather. He used to tell us, "If we all liked the same thing, we're all have our hands up grandma's dress!" What a character.
By Bureau at 22:23 22 Jul 2010
If Garfunkle had inherited my brains instead of my good looks, it would have been Garfunkle & Simon.
By Bureau at 22:32 22 Jul 2010
People who live in glass houses may as well give up sex and answer the door. Else, ask them to run out and get you some toilet paper of something.
By Bureau at 22:37 22 Jul 2010
I just remembered what I had to do...get me a haircut.
By Abel Rodriguez at 02:50 23 Jul 2010
I may not look like Brad Pitt, but I know I could make Angelina scream with sheer joy.
By Abel Rodriguez at 02:51 23 Jul 2010
Don't let anyone tell you different - split ends hurt like hell.
By Abel Rodriguez at 02:52 23 Jul 2010
You should have seen me back during my mohawk hairdo days - I was quite the looker.
By Abel Rodriguez at 02:54 23 Jul 2010
Yes. You're right. It's a toupee.
By Abel Rodriguez at 02:54 23 Jul 2010
Hey, I don't look bad for 42, huh?
By Abel Rodriguez at 02:56 23 Jul 2010
I look exactly like my twin sister...except that her moustache is completely white.
By Abel Rodriguez at 02:57 23 Jul 2010
The hairdresser assured me that the "Dragged through a sheep backwards" look was all the rage.
By IainB at 12:26 23 Jul 2010
Einstein = Magnificent Coiffure Squred off. Hmm, if I shorten that, it would make a good equation.
By IainB at 12:27 23 Jul 2010
Like they say, hard work pays off in the end. However, staying in bed longer with the wife, pays off right away.
By Bureau at 12:59 23 Jul 2010
So they say I'm a genius, just because I come up with "If the shoe fits, buy the other one too."
By Bureau at 13:01 23 Jul 2010
Smarter than a rocket scientist? I am a rocket scientist! Get over it.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:01 23 Jul 2010
I think I'll grow a beard this winter. Maybe I can get a job playing Santa Claus and get the coeds at Princeton to sit in my lap.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:04 23 Jul 2010
Being called retarded while growing has kept a chip on my shoulder for so long, it's given me a hernia.
By Bureau at 13:06 23 Jul 2010
How feckin' long does it take for the maid to bring me a toilet roll I've been sitting on this crapper contemplating for feckn' hours!!
By Herrdoktorfox at 14:01 23 Jul 2010
If you see a guy coming towards you on the street break out into a smile, beware. He's either selling you something or a politician, possibly both.
By Bureau at 15:31 23 Jul 2010
So I told the wife, if I can save money by changing my own oil, I can circumcise my own children! Save a few bucks.
By Bureau at 15:36 23 Jul 2010
The weather forecast for tonight you ask?..........dark!
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:54 23 Jul 2010
Alvays remember my friends, ven hosting a formal dinner party alvays sit the guest nearing death closest to the bathroom.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:57 23 Jul 2010
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:59 23 Jul 2010
I was thinking the other day and it seems the older people get the more they tend to read the bible-then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exams!
By Herrdoktorfox at 16:01 23 Jul 2010
Always name your kid with a name that ends in a vowel. MariaaaaaaAAAAHHHH!!!!!
By Bureau at 17:09 23 Jul 2010
I have yet to meet a person who was cuter than his or her baby pictures. I hid mine long ago.
By Bureau at 17:12 23 Jul 2010
"The rain in Spain falls mainly on the idiots."
By Bureau at 17:13 23 Jul 2010
While it is true that I helped invent the nuclear bomb, it is not true that I cut a deal with the cockroaches.
By Bureau at 17:15 23 Jul 2010
In a single lifetime I have came from "not very smart" to "a smartass!"
By Bureau at 17:17 23 Jul 2010
Life's a bitch, then you marry one. What man dares to place THAT on his automobile?
By Bureau at 17:20 23 Jul 2010
My Daddy was a walrus.
By Erskin Quint at 19:02 23 Jul 2010
This jerkin really scratches.
By Erskin Quint at 19:03 23 Jul 2010
Hmmm. The moustache doesn't look too bad a little darker. Now for the hair.
By Erskin Quint at 19:05 23 Jul 2010
E = Mc2 was a fluke
By Jimbo123 at 19:11 23 Jul 2010
Studies show that rectal thermometers still best when taking baby's temperature, also to show them who's boss! Also works on dogs but not cats.
By Bureau at 19:31 23 Jul 2010
The bank told me the good news this morning that I have all the money I'll ever need. Then they tell me that my doctor came by earlier.
By Bureau at 19:34 23 Jul 2010
They usually only have two checkout people at the grocery anymore, except on really busy days. Then they have one.
By Bureau at 20:11 23 Jul 2010
This humidity plays havoc with ones hair!
By Herrdoktorfox at 22:35 23 Jul 2010
"Oh, Oh, I can feel the head of the turtle poking out....stand clear guys I gotta get to the toliet fast!!"
By Herrdoktorfox at 22:38 23 Jul 2010
I tried my best to donate blood at the blood bank the other day but they wouldn't take it unless I told them where I got it. Then they called the police.
By Bureau at 01:40 24 Jul 2010
I didn't even know there was such a thing as a sperm bank that paid money for sperm. My great-nephew Garfunkle told me he had already let a fortune slip through his fingers.
By Bureau at 01:43 24 Jul 2010
I hold no responsibility for the Atomic Kittens!
By Inchcock at 04:42 24 Jul 2010
Life's just been a bomb!
By Inchcock at 04:43 24 Jul 2010
No, flag THIS as inappropriate.
By The San Francisco Onion at 10:13 24 Jul 2010
I was never good at sports. My dad was our coach and he traded me for a tall girl.
By Bureau at 13:17 24 Jul 2010
Here's a tip: Never purchase a solar-powered electric blanket.
By Bureau at 13:20 24 Jul 2010
I hear that the people who invented non-alcohol beer are now working on carrots that dim your eyesight.
By Bureau at 14:57 24 Jul 2010
I hear that the people who invented non-alcohol beer are now working on a nerf vibrator.
By Bureau at 15:11 24 Jul 2010
Split ends enhance the thought process.
By C. Cranium at 15:31 24 Jul 2010
Hot town, summer in the city, all my hair gettin gray and gritty ...
By C. Cranium at 15:33 24 Jul 2010
I can't get no barber action. No, no, no ...
By C. Cranium at 15:35 24 Jul 2010
and the equations leaked out of my bald head as if , yes, as if I had hair.
By C. Cranium at 15:41 24 Jul 2010
Grooming? What grooming, who has time for such nonsence.
By C. Cranium at 15:43 24 Jul 2010
I don't like tea. I much prefer a good cup of coffee. Tea always makes me think of urine samples..or at least, mine.
By Bureau at 16:07 24 Jul 2010
Tired of paying almost as much for your catfood as your own? Get a birdfeeder and turn the cats loose.
By Bureau at 16:54 24 Jul 2010
My wife has a hard time with childbirth. I remember her screams to this day..and that was just during the conception.
By Bureau at 18:23 24 Jul 2010
I want to go to the movies tonight and see something intelligent, with pure science and hard hitting action and drama. I can't wait to watch Marmaduke!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:10 24 Jul 2010
Some people type in my words in regular English, while others make it sound like I have a hard German accent. What zee Fuck iz up wit zis shit?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:11 24 Jul 2010
Some people are trying to say that the missiles and rockets are phallic symbols and represent penises. What does the atomic bomb a symbol of? The fart?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:13 24 Jul 2010
e=ma5 I tried that one too, but it just didn't get the whites as white and couldn't touch grease stains.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:14 24 Jul 2010
Nowdays, lots of teachers are getting into trouble for having affairs with their students. In my day, we did the same thing, but the girls kept quiet for the good grades.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:16 24 Jul 2010
They called the invention of the Atomic Bomb "The Manhattan Project." I wanted to call it "The Godzilla Project," but they said we weren't bombing Tokyo.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:18 24 Jul 2010
We called the place in New Mexico where we blew up the first atomic bomb "Trinity Site." It wasn't for diety, it was because we all shit and pissed out pants and threw up.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:20 24 Jul 2010
Trinity Site, where we blew the first bomb, is halfway between Socorro and Alamogordo, New Mexico. Do you know how hard it is to get a decent haircut there? Just look at me!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:21 24 Jul 2010
The closest bar to the Trinity Site was the Owl Cafe, where they invented the Green Chili Cheeseburger. Good stuff, but it gave Oppenheimer the shits.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:23 24 Jul 2010
We blew up the first atomic bomb in the New Mexico desert. We should have done it in downtown San Francisco. After all, the fags there look like radiation victims.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:24 24 Jul 2010
People still go to Trinity Site today to gather the sand that was melted in the first blast. Keep some in your pockets and it will make your nuts glow in the dark. Wanna see?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:26 24 Jul 2010
People want to know what I said when the first atomic bomb was set off. Translated into English, it was something like "Oh God, I think I just shit and pissed myself!"
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:29 24 Jul 2010
We did experiment a little with E=mba2, but these stupid businessmen kept showing up and wanting to hold worthless meetings and write budget reports.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:31 24 Jul 2010
I tried to join the military when I was young, but I wasn't accepted. They said that they couldn't imagine someone as wimpy looking as me trying to blow up stuff or kill people.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:32 24 Jul 2010
Why is it that you sneeze at the table and cover yourself & everyone gives you a hard look, but blow snot all over the cake while putting the candles out & everybody wants a piece?
By Bureau at 21:12 24 Jul 2010
When I was 16 my parents tried to surprise me on my birthday with a baseball bat. Luckily I ducked.
By Bureau at 21:15 24 Jul 2010
We were so poor while I was growing up that all dad gave me for my 12th birthday was an old bat. I hadn't been outside 15 minutes until it flew away."
By Bureau at 21:27 24 Jul 2010
I have one friend name Allen. He's the kind of friend who's always there when he needs you.
By Bureau at 21:30 24 Jul 2010
Too bad they didn't have sperm banks when I was alive. I could have sold my boys and made millions from people wanting smart kids.. I had to do it the old fashioned way and beg.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:49 24 Jul 2010
No, I do not look like an eighty year old Willie Wonka. Who's this Gene Wilder fellow anyway?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:50 24 Jul 2010
Robert J. Oppenheimer... what an ego! How many Oppenheimers are there in this country that you have to distinguish his name with a "J"? He got too much credit for my bomb.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:08 24 Jul 2010
I actually died 55 years ago. I wonder if Mark Lowton is paying my family and royalties for this?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:17 24 Jul 2010
Time Magazine named me the person of the century. I wanted them to give me a date with the S.I. Swimsuit cover model, but they said she didn't go for dead guys.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:19 24 Jul 2010
My wife was my first cousin on my mom's side and second cousin on my dad's side. Maybe we should have lived in Arkansas when we moved to the U.S.?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:20 24 Jul 2010
In 1921, I won a Nobel Prize in physics for my work. I understand Obama is getting the award next year, but not for any work he's done. He's only "earned" a booby prize!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:24 24 Jul 2010
Joseph Goebbels once said "Jewish intellectualism is dead." So was he when the allies bombed his ass to hell!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:26 24 Jul 2010
Yes, I really did say this after WWII: ?I do not know how the third World War will be fought, but I can tell you what they will use in the Fourth ? rocks!?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:32 24 Jul 2010
There's nothing like going to bed with a fine book...unless it's a fine lady reading a book.
By Bureau at 00:37 25 Jul 2010
So I told th librarian, "No, I don't need to check out anymore books. I've borrowed plenty. I was wondering about borrowing a bookshelf."
By Bureau at 00:39 25 Jul 2010
I went into a gym by mistake. There are men in there with necks bigger than their heads. The necks forced their brain to stay the size of a pea.
By Bureau at 00:43 25 Jul 2010
They say married men live longer. Maybe it just seems longer. How can I formulate that?
By Bureau at 00:45 25 Jul 2010
I'm glad to see young people like Robert Pattinson finally do something with their hair.
By Bureau at 00:48 25 Jul 2010
I'll always remember the last thing my father said: "Ready! Fire! Aimaaa!"
By Bureau at 00:51 25 Jul 2010
If you can not exceed the speed of light, why is it necessary to square in E=Mc2? Maybe its that you can not exceed light speed squared. Now where are those big black boards with formulas.
By C. Cranium at 05:13 25 Jul 2010
It's all lies, lies I tell you!. I never said any of this shite!
By Fergus McCarthy at 10:15 25 Jul 2010
"..just once in a lifetime a man has a moment......that one magic moment when at last his bowels are free...this is my moment, my anus is trembling........."
By Herrdoktorfox at 12:06 25 Jul 2010
I actually don't care much for money...but it has a way with calming my nerves down.
By Bureau at 12:55 25 Jul 2010
I have good friends in very high places. The police are always trying to talk them down.
By Bureau at 12:56 25 Jul 2010
Yes, I married a double cousin. We were trying to keep the brilliant genes in the family, but one son had the brains of a cucumber and one son is Governor of West Virginia.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:02 25 Jul 2010
When you marry a woman who is a double cousin, sex is very close to being masturbation.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:03 25 Jul 2010
I still remember what my uncle said right before my marriage: "Albert, get off my daughter and put your pants back on."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:05 25 Jul 2010
E=me2 didn't work either. It was the scientific proof that German Jews had the biggest penises.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:06 25 Jul 2010
Getting hitched is a lot like taking a bath in a tub of hot water. Once you're in there awhile, it ain't so hot.
By Bureau at 14:08 25 Jul 2010
The wife claims that housework will kill you. She afraid to even try.
By Bureau at 14:18 25 Jul 2010
Reality is enough to drive you crazy once you get in touch with it. Those who don't are already crazy.
By Bureau at 14:19 25 Jul 2010
I always looked for a woman like my Mom. One who liked to put her breast in my mouth.
By Bureau at 14:24 25 Jul 2010
The way said that she was going shopping for a litle feminine protection. She came back with a revolver.
By Bureau at 14:27 25 Jul 2010
I think that I finally developed my Grand Unified Theory: Moslem terrorists are pussys.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:10 25 Jul 2010
I worked for thirty years on my Grand Unifed Theory and never could come up with the answer. Maybe I should have just said "42" and been done with it?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:11 25 Jul 2010
Every generation develops more than the one before it. My grandparents never rode in a car. My parents never rode in an airplane. I never rode Lindsay Lohan.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:13 25 Jul 2010
I discovered many things in my life. One thing, however, that I never did was discover Barack Obama's birth certificate.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:17 25 Jul 2010
They should have called me as an expert witness. My E=mj2 is the scientific proof they should have used to prove Michael Jackson molested those little boys.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:19 25 Jul 2010
It's Sunday, so this is probably my last day here. I wonder if Mark will post a boobie picture next; I like being in front of a nice pair of titties.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:20 25 Jul 2010
I wonder if Laura Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and those doctors were all here last week to visit me? Everyone forgets the old man. Now, if I had a perky pair of tits...
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:23 25 Jul 2010
"I've never "worked out" in my life, except for formulas. Every time the urge to work out hits me, I go lie down until it leaves.
By Bureau at 15:42 25 Jul 2010
I'm thinking about going to visit the old home place next week. My family is coming here.
By Bureau at 15:43 25 Jul 2010
I recently had a vasectomy. Not on purpose. My knife flipped open in my pocket & I thought it was an erection.
By Bureau at 15:46 25 Jul 2010
Me? I've been in bed shape lately.
By Bureau at 15:53 25 Jul 2010
Even though I love having French doors in the house, they open every time the dog licks them.
By Bureau at 16:05 25 Jul 2010
All men make a lot of mistakes. Look at Edison. It's just that the married ones know about them sooner.
By Bureau at 16:07 25 Jul 2010
I wanted to spend my last days working on the Grand Unifed Theory. My wife wanted me to paint the rain gutters instead. Guess why there's no theory?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:41 25 Jul 2010
When I want to take my mind off of things and relax, I like to get in a bathtub with hot water, a little oil, a burning candle, and a couple of Princeton coeds. Works wonders!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:42 25 Jul 2010
Oppenheimer and Fermi keep getting credit for my bomb. It's like fried chicken, we should all remember the Colonel, not the pimply faced cook in the kitchen.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:44 25 Jul 2010
E=ta2 was the formula my wife never let me finish developing. Thank God for Viagra and coeds, because since she died, I've done nothing but work on making this right!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:45 25 Jul 2010
People can't tell Miley Cyrus is Hannah Montana on her show? It's just a wig! It's as stupid as Clark Kent and Superman with the glasses... dumbasses!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:46 25 Jul 2010
When I got out of college, I went to work in at the patent office... Do you know how tired I got of people actually trying to build a better mousetrap?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:47 25 Jul 2010
When I got out of college, I worked at the patent office. I really wish someone had invented a brassiere that was easier to unhook left handed!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:49 25 Jul 2010
i was really upset at the ceremony when I was named Time Magazine's Person Of The Century. Nobody ever said "...and the envelope please."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:52 25 Jul 2010
I was really upset at the ceremony when they named me Time Magazine's Person of the Century. Joan Rivers didn't even interview me on the red carpet.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:53 25 Jul 2010
I just added up and figured out that Turdblossom has written 300 of the 963 captions. I think he really needs to get a life.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:11 25 Jul 2010
I'm not in good physical shape. Yesterday I hurt myself playing chess.
By Bureau at 17:16 25 Jul 2010
Another of my failures was E=md2. I learned that the more doctors you have around, the more expensive it gets and the harder to make a decision.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:36 25 Jul 2010
My wife asked me "do you think this dress makes me look fat?" I put my answer in pure, factual, unbiased scientific terms with graphs, but I still ended up sleeping on the couch.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:39 25 Jul 2010
They say that marrying your double cousin is like kissing your sister. Frenching my sister was better, but I prefer the sex with my cousin.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:40 25 Jul 2010
is that fresh urine I can smell or have you been throwing the LYNX on yourself again Rodney?
By Herrdoktorfox at 17:47 25 Jul 2010
The mass of the universe decreased by 5/32 when Baskin Robins eliminated five flavors.
By C. Cranium at 17:48 25 Jul 2010
I've been sitting in this position for so long I think my penis has dropped off?
By Herrdoktorfox at 17:49 25 Jul 2010
If they call it French Kissing and Brazilian Waxing because it started there, shouldn't they also call it San Francisco Sodomy?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 18:29 25 Jul 2010
Yes, I married my double cousin. Our kids didn't have multiple heads or flippers instead of arms. The local boys, however, all loved the six tits on our daughters.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 18:32 25 Jul 2010
When I was young I told my dad that everybody hated me. He told me not to be silly, "not all that many people have met you yet".
By Bureau at 18:45 25 Jul 2010
One time I told Mom that I had taken up meditation. She said tht that was good, that at least I wouldn't be just sitting around the house all day doing nothing.
By Bureau at 18:50 25 Jul 2010
One of the best parts of marrying your double cousin is that you rarely have a problem with your in-laws.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 18:57 25 Jul 2010
Some people ask is we'd have dropped the atomic bomb on Europe. I think we did; how else but radiation sickness can you explain soccer hooligans?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 19:03 25 Jul 2010
Men can do lots of things that women cannot do. Like pissing out a car window at high speed. You never know when you might have to do THAT!
By Bureau at 19:34 25 Jul 2010
While I was surprised a bit about all the influence I had on science, I had no idea that I had this much on science fiction. Go Comic Con!
By Bureau at 20:45 25 Jul 2010
I sent the dog to obedience school and she came back with a fetish. Now I have to whip her a little if she's bad.
By Bureau at 21:05 25 Jul 2010
Rubbing a dog's face in it doesn't help. One night I had to head behind the bushes and when I began to stand up, she knocked my feet out under me. I had to wash off on the porch.
By Bureau at 21:07 25 Jul 2010
My brother was thought to be smarter than me early on. He went to college but eight years later he dropped out. It a big jump from Freshman to Sophomore.
By Bureau at 21:28 25 Jul 2010
Man killed right down the street while I was in Paris and everybody heard nothing. The police finally determined that the guy who shot the Mime used a silencer.
By Bureau at 21:30 25 Jul 2010
Will there be another Einstein? All I know is that I did my best to spread my seed far and wide!
By Bureau at 01:13 26 Jul 2010
"I know it's strange and all, but really, please just stick your finger up my nostril
By Basic Disaster at 01:18 26 Jul 2010
I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me what I do when the traffic light is red & I told him I usually sat and scratched my balls.
By Bureau at 12:25 26 Jul 2010
Is it Thursday? I like thursdays. We always have Welsh Rarebitt for dinner. Hmmm.
By IainB at 12:25 26 Jul 2010
Politics is so fowled up that some people wind up screwing themselves.
By Bureau at 12:27 26 Jul 2010
So I told that young Hitler, "Oh yeah, you and who else?"
By Bureau at 12:27 26 Jul 2010
Never hire a cleaning lady nicknamed 'Dust Bunny".
By Bureau at 12:28 26 Jul 2010
The reason Santa is not as jolly as he used to be is because Mrs. Claus took away his Naughty Girls list.
By Bureau at 12:30 26 Jul 2010
I tried golf once and lost two balls temporarily after stepping on ground keeper's rake.
By Bureau at 12:54 26 Jul 2010
It's Monday and I'm still here? Mark must not have found a new picture.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:48 26 Jul 2010
It's Monday and I'm still here? I wonder if I'm going to get paid overtime?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:49 26 Jul 2010
It's Monday and I'm still here? I guess that Lowton was more interested in his toasted sandwich than in an old man in the picture competition.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:49 26 Jul 2010
Look below me! There's an ad for adult diapers. I think that I should be insulted, but at my age, I'm actually thinking about trying them out.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:50 26 Jul 2010
There's an ad below me that says "Congratulations, you are the 100,000th visitor." Don't believe it; it's been there all week and seen by lots of people.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:12 26 Jul 2010
Can anyone get me the phone number of that girl in the E-Harmony ad below me? If you can, I'd also like the number for the girl in the Snorg tees ad.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:14 26 Jul 2010
Just last year, I was young enough to take a tumble with any coed that wanted a better grade. Now, it's "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up." I hate getting old!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:15 26 Jul 2010
Sometimes I take a Viagra even when there isn't a girl around. I just like to get the wrinkles out.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:17 26 Jul 2010
My favorite line to use on a girl was always "Yes, I am a smart ass and a rocket scientist. I'm the only man that can get you so hot you are radioactive!"
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:19 26 Jul 2010
I was hoping that I could slip back into my retirement today, but I guess Lowton was lazy. Either that, or he posted a picture with puppies and everyone laughed at him.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:20 26 Jul 2010
Now there's an Allstate ad below me. They would never let me drive a car. They said that I couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time. Relativity was okay, but not machines.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:35 26 Jul 2010
Paris Hilton said that my mustache tickled when we were having oral sex. I guess she's been shaving "down there" so long that she forgot what hair feels like!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:37 26 Jul 2010
People say that I should have worried about diseases when I slept with Paris Hilton. I say that at my age, what's another pill?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:39 26 Jul 2010
Someone asked me what I thought about Paris Hilton and I thought he meant a hotel. I didn't know he meant a young, skanky blonde willing to do old men!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:39 26 Jul 2010
Who said oral sex is boring, after two hours on Paris Hilton I remembered that I was out of Tuna chunks!
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:39 26 Jul 2010
People want to know why Paris Hilton stays my lover, so I say "Once you've had old and wrinkled, you never..." Shit! I can't think of a good rhyme for that!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:41 26 Jul 2010
Jesus, that last fart has really made my arse sore, I hope they get me off this page soon or else my kecks are gonna self destruct!
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:41 26 Jul 2010
Paris is young enough to be my great, great, great, great grand daughter. Do you think the people who griped about me marrying my double cousin will care about this one?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:42 26 Jul 2010
When people ask how I feel about my newest relationship with Miss Hilton, I say "I'll always have Paris... and so will everyone else!"
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:43 26 Jul 2010
In my days, they called it "sleeping with your professor to get an "A." Now days, it's a booty call.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:44 26 Jul 2010
I was always curious about everything. They say that curiousity killed the cat. The police came and questioned me.
By Bureau at 15:57 26 Jul 2010
I wonder if policemen with dogs get their barking orders before they go out on crowd control?
By Bureau at 15:59 26 Jul 2010
Some big stooge at a bar told me that HE had came up with E=MC2. I asked him what it meant. "Kicking ass & Taking Names!" "You got it!"
By Bureau at 16:12 26 Jul 2010
I had just walked into and this big Bouncer said he wasn't taking any shit from me either. I had to go back outside and stomp that flaming bag out, myself.
By Bureau at 16:16 26 Jul 2010
It's not true that humans are the only animals who can have sex over the phone. You should have seen my two dogs go at it in there by our phone. Then they hung up!
By Bureau at 16:55 26 Jul 2010
For some reason, everyone remembers E=mc2. They can't remember what I won my Nobel Physics Prize for, but they remember those stupid initials.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:07 26 Jul 2010
I really like all of those versions of Star Trek, but couldn't they have had a U.S.S. Einstein in one of them? Why always Enterprise?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:08 26 Jul 2010
I proved mathematically that it was impossible for anything to travel faster than the speed of light except for the smell of a fart and the news that someone is pregnant.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:09 26 Jul 2010
Everyone gets mad at me because I married a girl that was my double cousin. It wasn't my fault; she seduced me at a family reunion!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:11 26 Jul 2010
E=mci was another bad idea. I think that phone company went broke.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:12 26 Jul 2010
I should never have invented E=Madd2. It just turned out to be a bunch of bitchy women that needed to get laid and couldn't hold their liquor.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 17:13 26 Jul 2010
You say I'm clever, I say you're thick! Kinda like I say tomato, you say ketchup!
By Nick Hobbs at 18:05 26 Jul 2010
You can write any old crap you like here and still get a point
By Lynton at 18:11 26 Jul 2010
My wife was my cousin on one side and my second cousin on the other. Does that mean my kids are also my second cousins and third cousins? What about the grandchildren?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 18:27 26 Jul 2010
I'm an old man and I'm literally dragging the floor. Seriously, my scrotum hangs all the way down my left pants leg and my balls drag the floor.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 18:32 26 Jul 2010
I don't know if I'm the smartest man ever but with our family marrying cousins, I bet I'm the smartest redneck ever!
By Bureau at 18:42 26 Jul 2010
Who was that that said "Just say no" to drugs? Didn't she know that it would just bring the price down?
By Bureau at 18:44 26 Jul 2010
Every President in that past 100 years has began at least one sentence with, "I may not be an Einstein", then they prove it.
By Bureau at 18:47 26 Jul 2010
To be truthful, reading those 'headlines' over there for the top stories of the day makes me glad to be dead.
By Bureau at 20:23 26 Jul 2010
I decided that if I wore camouflage it wouldn't matter about getting so much stuff on me. But I never could find any.
By Bureau at 22:55 26 Jul 2010
I actually invented a solar-powered flashlight. Even worse, over 2,000 people purchased them.
By Bureau at 22:56 26 Jul 2010
Some mornings it's just not worth going through the contortions to take off the Straight Jacket!
By Bureau at 00:04 27 Jul 2010
How long do I have to stand out here and quote nonsense? I thought we had a deal, Lawton?
By Bureau at 00:27 27 Jul 2010
I"ve nothing else to say. Go back to the Queen or Hitler.
By Bureau at 00:27 27 Jul 2010
If I really showed you what I was thinking, your head would explode.
By Charpa93 at 00:37 27 Jul 2010
do do do do do do do do do do do do don't worry, do do do do do do do, be happy, do do do do do. Damn, I can't get that song out of my head.
By Charpa93 at 00:41 27 Jul 2010
I looked up a word in the dictionary and it occurred to me, how do I know that this is right?
By Bureau at 12:01 27 Jul 2010
Holidays always meant something special for my family. Of course, they were all in retail business.
By Bureau at 12:52 27 Jul 2010
It's not true that men do not cry. Ever see one hit in the nuts with a fastball?
By Bureau at 12:53 27 Jul 2010
The only time that this man ever cried in his life was when I had to assemble things that came through the mail in pieces, usually too many pieces. That's when I'd cry.
By Bureau at 12:55 27 Jul 2010
Do you know how hard it is to get an erection when you are over 130 years old? I really wish they sold viagra by the six pack.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:46 27 Jul 2010
Wow, I've said over 500 funny things in the past week or so... okay, some of them weren't so funny, but it makes me think I should have been a stand up comedian!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:48 27 Jul 2010
I combed my mustache once and all of the teeth I lost as a child fell out. Does this mean that there isn't a tooth fairy?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:49 27 Jul 2010
I read a lot of stories on this site about the man with the world's largest penis. Are they talking about me?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:50 27 Jul 2010
Photons schmotons - you think I don't know there's a little man in there painting my picture?
By Lynton at 13:51 27 Jul 2010
If you give your dog a bone, do you have to say "knick knack paddy whack" and have some old man come rolling home?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:51 27 Jul 2010
Now if only I could think of a way of linking E=MC2 with Anna Chapman's nude photos.........
By Lynton at 13:53 27 Jul 2010
I also failed when I made an attempt at E=cm2. I always get confused with these stupid metric to standard conversions. How much is that in inches?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:53 27 Jul 2010
We called it the Manhattan Project. Sometimes, I think it would have been a service to the world if we had just blown up Manhattan!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:54 27 Jul 2010
I forgot to take some things into account with E=mc2... like why it takes women so long in the bathroom and why they have to always go in pairs.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:55 27 Jul 2010
I've been sitting here one week now - you'd think my ass would be sore
By Lynton at 13:55 27 Jul 2010
In 2010, I think the mysteries of the universe are still the Grand Unified Theory and why anyone actually still supports Barack Obama.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:57 27 Jul 2010
While women go into bathrooms in pairs, men go into urinals.
By Bureau at 13:57 27 Jul 2010
In my days, we called the storm troopers that supported the Fuhrer with strong arm tactics the S.S. or the brownshirts. In 2010, they are called ACORN.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:58 27 Jul 2010
People say that Lindsay Lohan used to be sweet when she was a little girl. Today, they don't use the word "sweet," but instead have changed to "tart."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:59 27 Jul 2010
Bookstores are all crooks. Every one I've ever been in, want to charge you for a book on 'free verse'. Almost bad as politicians.
By Bureau at 14:00 27 Jul 2010
Another of my failures was E=me2. My wife said that it made me just too egotistical.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:01 27 Jul 2010
Here's a tip before you buy what the realtor calls a 'fixer upper'. It's translates to: piece of shit.
By Bureau at 14:02 27 Jul 2010
Obama is trying to make his recovery programs sound like The New Deal that Roosevelt used. The New Deal, however, didn't pay large amounts of money to illegal aliens.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:03 27 Jul 2010
If Obama gives the illegals amnesty, that's 12 million more voters for him. Just what this country needs, 12 million more uneducated voters picking idiots and crooks!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:04 27 Jul 2010
Another of my failed ideas was E=mj2. I think that one pedophile singer that couldn't find his other glove was enough.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:06 27 Jul 2010
How do you put 100 Jews in a Volkswagen? 2 in front, 2 in back, 96 in the ashtray! These holocaust jokes just kill me... and six million others!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:09 27 Jul 2010
Did you hear about the new Nazi microwave oven? Seats six. I love these holocaust jokes.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:09 27 Jul 2010
I'll bet you can't tell I've had my nipples pierced?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:56 27 Jul 2010
In my day, the only people who ever got tattoes were sailers, soldiers, and Jews in concentration camps. I think "tramp stamps" is a good name for some of them these days.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:57 27 Jul 2010
I think that if God doesn't hurry up and destroy San Francisco and Washington, he's going to have to apologize to Soddom and Gommorah.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 14:58 27 Jul 2010
I could have been President of Israel. Instead, I stayed at Princeton and got to sleep with coeds in exchange for good grades. I still think I made a good decision!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:16 27 Jul 2010
They asked me to be President of Israel and I said "no." I'd already been through enough war. Besides, Princeton coeds are cuter than Palestinians in Burkhas.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:18 27 Jul 2010
Some people say that I have "fly away" hair, and I think that's stupid. If my hair flew away, then I'd be bald.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:47 27 Jul 2010
I just celebrated my 35th birthday. It was 28 years late, but I finally thought, Why Not?
By Bureau at 15:50 27 Jul 2010
Yes, I am "older than dirt." In fact, I remember when the inventor first brought dirt into the patent office where I worked. The maid got mad and swept it up.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:56 27 Jul 2010
I'm so old that I was working in the patent office when a man brought in something he called a "wheel." He said that the idea had been rolling around in his head.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:57 27 Jul 2010
They should have given me the Nobel Peace Prize for inventing the atomic bomb. It ended the war, didn't it?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 15:58 27 Jul 2010
The idea that they gave a Nobel prize to Obama kind of cheapens the one that I won. After all, Obama wasn't the guy that invented buying an election!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:00 27 Jul 2010
What happened to that Lady Godiva who used to put words in my mouth? I keep waiting for her to show up naked on that horse and bring me chocolate. She promised!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:02 27 Jul 2010
Al Gore claims he invented the internet? He didn't even invent spunking on women's dresses in Oregon hotel rooms; he got that from his former boss Clinton.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:05 27 Jul 2010
Obama? They'll give anybody a Nobel prize these days. Who's next, the guy who invented the little marshmallows in breakfast cereals? I'm giving my prize back.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:22 27 Jul 2010
Clinton, Gore, Edwards, Kennedy, now Obama... I think that Tiger Woods should be a Democratic politician when he retires. He already fits right in by not keeping his pants on.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 16:25 27 Jul 2010
I used to be high on life but then I developed a tolerance. Now I need some encouragement.
By Bureau at 18:35 27 Jul 2010
Today's marriages don't last. More like mirages. My Aunt & Uncle were married for 55 years, mostly out of spite.
By Bureau at 18:38 27 Jul 2010
I told the wife, I don't like gardening. So the first thing I dug up was a bad back story.
By Bureau at 18:59 27 Jul 2010
Just remember it's lonely at the top! Especially when you have no one below you.
By Bureau at 19:50 27 Jul 2010
If life gives you melons, just be thankful. Lemons? No thank you. Got my melons!
By Bureau at 19:52 27 Jul 2010
Remember, the best things in life are free. many of these little puppies would you like?
By Bureau at 20:05 27 Jul 2010
Grandfather was the only one in our family who hated alphabet soup. I think it was because he couldn't read.
By Bureau at 20:08 27 Jul 2010
They are making a big fuss about the Clintons spending five million dollars on their daughter's wedding. I'd pay more than that to get her out of my house!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:04 27 Jul 2010
Some people are calling Chelsea Clinton's wedding a dog and pony show. Which one is she, the dog or the pony?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:05 27 Jul 2010
Five million dollars for Chelsea Clinton's wedding?I don't think the Kentucky Derby winner sold for that much, and the horse was better looking than the bride!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:06 27 Jul 2010
I understand that they are putting down artificial turf and carpeting in the tents at the Chelsea Clinton wedding. I guess they don't want her grazing during the reception.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:07 27 Jul 2010
I can't decide what to send the bride for a gift at the Chelsea Clinton wedding. Should I buy a new dog collar or a sack of oats?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:08 27 Jul 2010
I feel sorry for the groom that is marrying Chelsea Clinton. He just sees the dollar signs, but isn't a very good judge of horse flesh!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:10 27 Jul 2010
I understand that Chelsea Clinton got new shoes for her wedding. I'll even bet that she had a top notch farrier do it.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:11 27 Jul 2010
Some men marry women that are cryers or moaners. I'll bet that Chelsea Clinton's groom gets a bride that's a trotter.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:12 27 Jul 2010
I AM the Walrus!
By IN SEINE at 21:13 27 Jul 2010
When Bill Clinton walks his daughter Chelsea down the aisle at her wedding this weekend, will he have her on a dog leash or will she have a bit in her mouth?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:14 27 Jul 2010
Someone should tell the parents of the groom at the Chelsea Clinton wedding "you're not losing a son, you're gaining a thoroughbred.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:15 27 Jul 2010
When the groom first met Chelsea Clinton, I wonder if he looked at her teeth to check and see how old she was?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:17 27 Jul 2010
I understand that this guy ended up with Chelsea Clinton because, well, even Mr. Ed was charging too much in stud fees to take her.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:18 27 Jul 2010
I understand that Chelsea Clinton is getting married in New York because the Kentucky Blue Grass gives her gas.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:19 27 Jul 2010
I always thought that Chelsea Clinton was proof that Hillary was sleeping around too... but with Secretariat?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:20 27 Jul 2010
I'll bet that when Chelsea Clinton walks down the aisle, they don't play the wedding march. They'll probably play the theme song from Mr. Ed.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:41 27 Jul 2010
I don't think Chelsea Clinton will have a bridal boquet. She'll have one of those rose wreaths like the put on Kentucky Derby winners.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:42 27 Jul 2010
I hope that Chelsea had all of her shots before the wedding. She wouldn't want to bite her husband on the honeymoon and give him parvo, rabies, or distemper.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:43 27 Jul 2010
Someone asked Bill Clinton: Is your daughter really ugly. He said that it depends on what the definition of "is" is.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:45 27 Jul 2010
Chelsea Clinton is living proof that two wrongs don't make a right.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 21:45 27 Jul 2010
Chelsea Clinton and her new husband better go outside the country for their honeymoon. Most states have beastiality and animal cruelty laws.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:17 27 Jul 2010
Bill Clinton is spending five million dollars on Chelsea's wedding. How much would he spend if he had a pretty daughter?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:18 27 Jul 2010
I think Bill Clinton is confused and that daughter Chelsea isn't really getting married. Don't you call the man that takes care of a horse a "groom?"
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:19 27 Jul 2010
If Chelsea Clinton wants to look less ugly at her wedding, she'll have former first daughter Amy Carter as one of her bridesmaids.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:20 27 Jul 2010
They used to say that "every" bride looks beautiful on her wedding day. After Chelsea Clinton's wedding, that will probably change to "most" brides.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:22 27 Jul 2010
Yep, Chelsea Clinton's getting married and Bill and Hillary will someday be grandparents. I'll bet that they can't wait for the pitter patter of little hooves.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:22 27 Jul 2010
I think that there was a Freudian slip on my invitation to the Chelsea Clinton wedding. Instead of the word "bride," my invitation used the word "bridle."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 22:28 27 Jul 2010
Life isn't like a box of chocolate, it's like a jalapeno pepper. You never know who's out to burn your ass or why!
By Bureau at 23:33 27 Jul 2010
It's not exactly a circle of life, more like a circus, and you're the clown who gets the pie.
By Bureau at 23:35 27 Jul 2010
People who live in glass houses tend to fog up the bedroom. Or they do when I go to look.
By Bureau at 23:36 27 Jul 2010
There may be a light at the end of the tunnel but I bet it's a lit fuse.
By Bureau at 23:38 27 Jul 2010
Why do people say "A word to the wise"? Seems to me that the droolers are the ones who need some advice.
By Bureau at 23:44 27 Jul 2010
People ask why I make Chelsea Clinton jokes. With a face like mine, there are not very many people who are uglier!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:55 27 Jul 2010
Chelsea Clinton and her groom were registered at the usual places for wedding gifts... and at the feed store.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:56 27 Jul 2010
Bill Clinton isn't just giving Chelsea away... he's making this guy keep her!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:57 27 Jul 2010
After the wedding, Chelsea Clinton isn't just moving on with her life... she's actually moo-ving on with her life!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:58 27 Jul 2010
Bill and Hillary Clinton already have a family plot for them when they die. Chelsea won't be buried there; she's destined for the glue factory.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 23:59 27 Jul 2010
If a mule is a cross between a horse and an ass... then what will they call Chelsea Clinton's babies?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 00:00 28 Jul 2010
Funny, in traditional donkey shows, it's the woman who has sex with the farm animal. On Chelsea Clinton's honeymoon...
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 00:01 28 Jul 2010
At most weddings, the bride tosses her bouquet. At her's, Chelsea Clinton will get into trouble with her farrier for "throwing a shoe!"
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 00:03 28 Jul 2010
Take a guess! No, it's not chocolate or angel food or even red velvet cake. At Chelsea Clinton's wedding, they are serving Carrot Cake at the reception!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 00:05 28 Jul 2010
A watched pot never boils. It does make it a little nervous and feeling guilty after awhile
By Bureau at 00:08 28 Jul 2010
Chelsea Clinton's groom said the first time he saw her was when he walked by a restaurant where she was eating. I wonder if he asked "How much is that doggie in the window?"
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 00:14 28 Jul 2010
At the Chelsea Clinton wedding reception dinner, will they be serving fillet of soul to the "sole filly" in attendance?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 00:42 28 Jul 2010
"Does my nose look big in this?"
By IN SEINE at 11:08 28 Jul 2010
"My Snozzle is so big and important, that I have to underline it!"
By IN SEINE at 11:11 28 Jul 2010
"Why does no one credit me with inventing BIG HAIR?"
By IN SEINE at 11:16 28 Jul 2010
Th quickest way to a man's heard is through the chest with a darning needle. A little levity to start the day.
By Bureau at 11:40 28 Jul 2010
Wow, John Kerry just spent seven million dollars buying a 76 foor yacht. I wonder why he didn't go to a Navy Surplus store and buy a Swift boat?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 12:50 28 Jul 2010
You can get more done with a kind word and a gun than you can by passing a note to the bank teller, or so a disguised friend told me in Cairo.
By Bureau at 12:50 28 Jul 2010
John Kerry spent seven million dollars on a yacht. I thought limousine liberals like him were supposed to donate all of their money to help the poor?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 12:51 28 Jul 2010
Why am I brilliant? You are what you eat. I eat BRAINS! BRAINS!"
By Bureau at 12:51 28 Jul 2010
John Kerry spent seven million dollars on a new yacht. I bet the price on Heinz ketchup is about to go up!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 12:51 28 Jul 2010
John Kerry just spent seven million dollars on a new yacht, yet this left wing liberal radical complains when I buy a new SUV!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 12:52 28 Jul 2010
John Kerry's new yacht birthed in a neighboring state to avoid paying half a million dollars in taxes. Isn't he the guy who says the rich should pay their fair share? Hypocrit!
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 12:55 28 Jul 2010
John Kerry's yacht wasn't even built with the union labor he prizes; it was built in New Zealand. When are people going to recognize he's a hyporcrit?
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 12:58 28 Jul 2010
John Kerry just spent seven million dollars on a new sailboat. How long until he asks "where's the motor?"
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 12:59 28 Jul 2010
John Kerry's new yacht has two master suites. I think one for him and one for Theresa. This is probably so that he can think he's still master of something in their marriage.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:01 28 Jul 2010
John Kerry's probably going to try to use the excuse "but I thought I bought my new yacht on a tax free, back to school day."
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:02 28 Jul 2010
John Kerry better keep his new seven million dollar yacht away from Hillary Clinton. He wouldn't want to hit an iceberg on his first sailing trip.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 13:03 28 Jul 2010
They should put labels on men's clothing so we men can know when we're out of style. I'll never forget that "knee britches" thing in Paris.
By Bureau at 13:50 28 Jul 2010
Speaking of men's wear, I use clown shoes. Somehow the big shoes attract the ladies.
By Bureau at 13:52 28 Jul 2010
Thank goodness tarts like Miley Cyrus and Paris Hilton weren't around when I was a young lad. If they had been, the world wouldn't know what the hell relativity was.
By Charpa93 at 13:52 28 Jul 2010
I'm finally off caffeine. What I miss the most is not the coffee but jogging around the desk while writing.
By Bureau at 13:59 28 Jul 2010
Hilda? Oh yes, I had to let her go. She never could understand that blowing was just an expression.
By lohyrt Sigrab at 16:40 28 Jul 2010
I went to school and majored in physics, mathmatics, etc. Dad asked me why not communications, so others could understand me? He never understood formulas.
By Bureau at 16:50 28 Jul 2010
My oldest daughter was a nurse for two years, then she ran out of milk.
By Bureau at 19:14 28 Jul 2010
I'm a pretty small guy, but you should see my cousin, Frankenstein.
By Bureau at 19:15 28 Jul 2010
My wife majored in animal husbandry at college. She says she's glad she did, since she wound up marrying a horse's ass.
By Bureau at 19:16 28 Jul 2010
I would have liked to be a comedian. Even if no one thinks you're funny, at least they don't laugh at you.
By Bureau at 19:20 28 Jul 2010
Well the dog has died. Now who am I going to blame my farts on?
By Bureau at 00:06 29 Jul 2010
So I said, "Well, that theory died with the Neanderthals! Get it? The Neanderthals! I guess you had to be there.
By Bureau at 00:07 29 Jul 2010
One observation I'd like to leave before Mark pulls me off here. Most of you in 2010 are too fat.
By Bureau at 00:08 29 Jul 2010
Limbaugh says he would win an argument with half his brain behind his back. Now we know. He's half-assed in his thinking.
By Bureau at 00:10 29 Jul 2010
...I am an IAM's man......woof! woof! where else do you think I got such a fine coat already?
By Herrdoktorfox at 10:14 29 Jul 2010
A friend actually thought it would be funny to walk into a bank with a ski mask on. But he's not laughing either.
By Bureau at 13:33 29 Jul 2010
What's wrong with women? Men don't even have to greet each other. Just come up and each one burp or fart & then nod.
By Bureau at 13:34 29 Jul 2010
Communism will never work because people like to own stuff. "See, here's all my stuff."
By Bureau at 13:35 29 Jul 2010
You can lead a man to Washington, DC but you can't make him think!
By Bureau at 13:36 29 Jul 2010
Because complaining burns up calories, it's the skinny people who are always bitching about something. Models are the worst.
By Bureau at 13:38 29 Jul 2010
Someone took me to a computer store. Amazing. I think it was called "The Obsolete In Six Months, Computer Store."
By Bureau at 13:39 29 Jul 2010
Computers weren't even consider much in my day. We wouldn't have even known how to rotate the tires.
By Bureau at 13:40 29 Jul 2010
The Computer salesman admitted that computers can't think on their own. The one I tried could. It thougt it could make a fool out of me and it succeeded!
By Bureau at 13:42 29 Jul 2010
I saw wher a5 member of congress got stuck in an elevater in Washington. I hate to tell you, but they all made it off just fine. I knew that would spoil your coffee.
By Bureau at 13:44 29 Jul 2010
Someone asked me why there were two Senators from every state in the union. The best I could come up with was "Designated Drivers?"
By Bureau at 13:45 29 Jul 2010
An old man hobbled up to the ice-cream counter and asked for a chocolate cornet."Crushed nuts?" asked the salegirl. "No, arthritis," he replied.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:55 29 Jul 2010
What's blue and fucks grannies?
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:55 29 Jul 2010
whats blue and fucks grannies? Hypothermia.
By Herrdoktorfox at 15:57 29 Jul 2010
Did you hear about the dirty old yachtsman? He took a young girl out to sea and asked her to toss him off. The lifeboat is still searching for the body!
By Herrdoktorfox at 16:02 29 Jul 2010
I'm so feckin' old when i ask for a three-minute egg in a cafe they ask for the money up front!
By Herrdoktorfox at 16:03 29 Jul 2010
It's good to exercise. My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Today he's 105 and we don't have a feckin' clue where he is?
By Herrdoktorfox at 16:05 29 Jul 2010
what yer see is what yer get..
By Colonel Juan at 17:31 29 Jul 2010
Ginger Rogers? Yeah we did it a few times.
By Colonel Juan at 17:34 29 Jul 2010
Bette Davis? Yeah, we had an affair. Boring ..
By Colonel Juan at 17:35 29 Jul 2010
Zsa Zsa Gabor? Yeah we spend time in bed. Not much worth speakin' about
By Colonel Juan at 17:36 29 Jul 2010
Jacqueline Kennedy? Yeah, we did it together. She never stopped talkin'
By Colonel Juan at 17:37 29 Jul 2010
Rock Hudson? OK, we did it a few times. Thick as two short planks..
By Colonel Juan at 17:39 29 Jul 2010
Larry Olivier? Yeah, I did the double with him and Vivien Leigh. Lousy fucks the both of them..
By Colonel Juan at 17:41 29 Jul 2010
You make one little Atomic Bomb and your whole future is ruined, especially if you're under it.
By Bureau at 18:23 29 Jul 2010
I was talking to Leonardo Da Vinci, Leo I call him, and I told him that...what? Of course he's dead! I didn't say he answered me did I?
By Bureau at 18:26 29 Jul 2010
What's wong with having contraceptives at school. I think they should be in every conceivable situation.
By Bureau at 18:27 29 Jul 2010
I have no idea if it's 33% or 55% of women that carry condoms. Which ever, the other 67 0r 45% are carrying babies.
By Bureau at 19:29 29 Jul 2010
My daughter is smart but not so good at cooking. She's in the lab too much. Every time she moves toward the stove in the kitchen, the dog howls.
By Bureau at 19:48 29 Jul 2010
I'm glad Schick razers quit the animal testing thing. Bald bunnies look rediculous and they laugh instead of creating more rabbits. Probably think they're too old.
By Bureau at 20:03 29 Jul 2010
"Are You Smarter Than The Average Genius?"
By Bureau at 00:34 30 Jul 2010
"Penny for your thoughts", he said. Three hours later, he felt I had given him his money's worth.
By Bureau at 00:35 30 Jul 2010
To some people daylight is like night only with all the lights on inside and out.
By Bureau at 00:36 30 Jul 2010
Between the age of 40 and 70, my balls fell six inches due to gravity, just like Bureau stated in his Factual Facts in the magazine. But has he came up with a formula?
By Bureau at 00:38 30 Jul 2010
I miss Turdblossom. He can really reel these things off in bunches.
By Bureau at 00:40 30 Jul 2010
I saw Schr�dinger yesterday. He thinks his cat may have died. I'll miss little 'Iffy'.
By Bureau at 00:45 30 Jul 2010
Why did Schrodinger's name have a funny charactor in the last frame. These are the things that drive me crazy. It's not in this one! Schrodinger's cat! See!
By Bureau at 00:50 30 Jul 2010
Schrodinger's cat had kittens.
By Bureau at 00:50 30 Jul 2010
Schr�dinger's cat "Iffy" has passed away or is passing away or she's healthy as a horse. Schr�dinger's can't make up his mind.
By Bureau at 00:55 30 Jul 2010
The Kempeitai Veterans Association invited me over to Tokyo .... I declined their kind offer!
By Inchcock at 09:46 30 Jul 2010
Day 20 and I'm still here. It's getting like the oil spill.
By Bureau at 13:04 30 Jul 2010
So all those years in science and I could have made a stand-up comic? Who knew?
By Bureau at 13:05 30 Jul 2010
I stand here and make jokes daily. Therefore, I am.
By Bureau at 13:07 30 Jul 2010
New York City now have condoms in their rooms. In my day, you had to snip off the middle finger from the clean-up lady's rubber gloves.
By Bureau at 13:09 30 Jul 2010
Of course I am flattere when people call me a Genius. But then I think of Wiley Coyote.
By Bureau at 13:29 30 Jul 2010
And if you buy today, we will include the twelve step audio version of my best selling 'Theory of Relativity'.
By C. Cranium at 13:45 30 Jul 2010
Replaced by Meerkats? How embarrassing!
By Bureau at 15:33 30 Jul 2010
What are those things, pole cats? No it says, Meerkats. What's a Meerkat?
By Bureau at 15:35 30 Jul 2010
I wish my wife would forget what color lipstick I want her to wear and just place it on her lips instead of making her mouth bigger!
By Bureau at 16:15 30 Jul 2010
The trouble of going before a jury is that there sit 12 people who can't even figure out how to avoid jury duty.
By Bureau at 16:16 30 Jul 2010
My mother, being a Jew, was kicked off of jury duty. She kept saying everything was HER fault!
By Bureau at 16:17 30 Jul 2010
Even though I didn't know it was illegal, they arrested me last week for scalping numbers at the deli.
By Bureau at 16:31 30 Jul 2010
My daughter received a credit card bill so big that when she opened the envelope, the whole family clearly heard a drum roll!
By Bureau at 18:46 30 Jul 2010
I used to get beat up by these people wearing green berets while growing up. You know, those little creeps that sell the cookies.
By Bureau at 18:50 30 Jul 2010
So I guessed. It was Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with the shits. What? That's how he got the name! I've never played this before. I gave it a shot!
By Bureau at 18:53 30 Jul 2010
My daughter forgot and scheduled two dates on the same night. Luckily, different times. She could hardly walk in the door. Two full meals at Italian restaurants!
By Bureau at 18:02 31 Jul 2010
I wish people would quit coming up to me and saying, "While I might be no Einstein." It's not funny anymore.
By Bureau at 18:04 31 Jul 2010
I wish people would quit coming up to me and saying, "While I might not be an Einstein". It's no longer funny.
By Bureau at 18:06 31 Jul 2010
So Mark replaced me with Merekats. At least it wasn't a gifted monkey.
By Bureau at 18:07 31 Jul 2010
I remember Mom always saying to me, "Albert, you think you're pretty smart don't you?".
By Bureau at 18:08 31 Jul 2010
So this one MeerKat says to the other....oh, someone's here. I know I complained about being here for so long. But now I miss it.
By Bureau at 18:10 31 Jul 2010
I think that I was always looking for a wife like my mother. You know, any time of day or night, flop her breast into my mouth.
By Bureau at 18:11 31 Jul 2010
Like everyone else, I hate getting older. This year, I started with December 31st and working my way back.
By Bureau at 18:13 31 Jul 2010
A wise man once said, "That Einstein has a whopper in his pants." That was me. No one believed me and I had no proof.
By Bureau at 18:14 31 Jul 2010
Most of my childhood went by with a blur. Somehow they got my glasses mixed with some other kids at the Optometrist office.
By Bureau at 18:17 31 Jul 2010
I would just like to meet a woman with a good head on her shoulders. Necks aren't all that important to me.
By Bureau at 18:20 31 Jul 2010
If I had had any sense, I would have came up with Viagra, not an atomic bomb. Where's the fun in an atomic bomb?
By Bureau at 18:22 31 Jul 2010
In my day, newspappers were five cents. Plus if you got them out of one of those lift up machines, you could get 6 and sell the other 5 for a penny
By Bureau at 18:34 31 Jul 2010
We were so poor that I would let my cousins dress up my penis. I had a high voice as a kid so I'd talk for it. A tea spill nearly ruined me,
By Bureau at 18:37 31 Jul 2010
If I ever wrote a sex novel I think I won't name it after my wife and my most used terms in the bedroom: "Ouch, you're on my hair!"
By Bureau at 20:51 02 Aug 2010
Happiness is when your dentist tells you "this won't hurt a bit & then drills a hole in his finger.
By Bureau at 17:54 03 Aug 2010
The wife wants a good body but, apparently, that comes second to a good dessert.
By Bureau at 17:55 03 Aug 2010
The wife finally found the perfect diet. She goes to a restaurant and eats all she wants, but she has to look at naked fat people.
By Bureau at 18:51 03 Aug 2010
I went to the dentist and he told me to say ahhhh! So I asked him why. He said that his goldfish died & to open my mouth.
By Bureau at 18:53 03 Aug 2010
I needed to lose a few pounds so to speed things up, I went on three diets at the same time. Gained five pounds.
By Bureau at 18:55 03 Aug 2010
The only time my wife and I had sex the last six months was when she screwed me in front of a judge, taking almost everything.
By Bureau at 19:55 03 Aug 2010
Okay, I've got nothing more to say and I've rambled on long enough. I'll shut up now and let you watch the funny Meerkats.
By Throckmorton Turdblossom at 18:16 06 Aug 2010
No, you're wrong my name's Dick Strawbridge MBE not Einstein - he was some science nurd, I'm just a nurd. Don't you recognise the tache?
By Xavier at 21:23 06 Aug 2010
By Xavier at 22:13 09 Aug 2010
Never do push ups in the nude when there are mousetraps about!
By Bureau at 18:05 14 Aug 2010
My family and I never talked. We'd leave taped notes on the refrigerator.
By Bureau at 21:19 25 Aug 2010
I can't believe you dumb asses are drinking the Chlorine!!!
By OIF2Sniper at 19:38 05 Sep 2010
You know why I was so smart? I didn't sit around on the fucking computer all day!!!
By OIF2Sniper at 19:42 05 Sep 2010
Never could be bothered to comb my hair, scared if I do it will rip my brains out!
By Kazytc at 00:45 24 Sep 2010
That dumb cleaner mistook me for her mop the other day
By Kazytc at 00:47 24 Sep 2010
Dear me if that dopey lad had a brain he would be dangerous
By Kazytc at 00:48 24 Sep 2010
Is it your own brain or are you running it in for an idiot?
By Kazytc at 00:49 24 Sep 2010
That wretched woman takes me for a fool but she has a lovely backside too bad her brain is kept in it
By Kazytc at 01:21 25 Sep 2010
God invented genius like me to make himself look clever from creating me!
By Kazytc at 01:22 25 Sep 2010
Theory of relativity means that if a womans knickers can go up they can also come down!
By Kazytc at 01:25 25 Sep 2010
I really must finish writing that paper on the practical application of the principle of relativity to the gravitational deflection of starlight....or maybe i'll just have a wank instead
By alexc at 13:56 25 Sep 2010
My family were so poor I have had to have cotton wool for hair
By Kazytc at 18:46 26 Sep 2010
If you think this hair looks funny, you should see my pubes...
By SpaceElevator at 06:05 21 Oct 2010
The relativity formula came up at the wrong time
By Ed.nyameri at 05:07 23 Nov 2010
Dear diary, today I killed someone. The SOB cut me off in traffic. Then I get home and there was no hot water. WTF? I'm Albert F**ing Einstein! Think I'll do a line of blow and go to bed.
By ESB at 06:54 12 Jan 2011
I never told anyone but I was a secret Jehovah's Witness. Can I interest in our latest edition of Watchtower?
By PuddyTwat at 17:53 09 Feb 2011
Have you painted me yet and can I stop smiling now? Although you did say you wanted to paint me in the nude and I must admit you have got extremely lovely breasts.
By Steddyeddy at 12:49 28 Mar 2011
e=mc squared is easy to explain. everyone=moronic cuds, squared.
By Katya R at 00:41 17 Apr 2011
I just realized.. I'm WRONG! Of course it will be hundreds of years befor they figure it out. By that time, I"ll be on the Riviera taken in the shows!
By Aspartame Boy at 05:41 08 May 2011
Genius? Me? Wasn't a smart move when I tried out 'Vim' as a shampoo.
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:33 15 Jun 2011
Why has Rebekah Brooks still got a job? That is a hard one
By Les Being at 10:27 08 Jul 2011
? ?2 d? = ? sin(t 0.2) dt
By JOJO at 03:15 10 Dec 2011
? ?2 d? = ? sin(t 0.2) ? ?2 d? = ? sin(t 0.2) dt ? ?2 d? = ? sin(t 0.2) dt ? ?2 d? = ? sin(t 0.2) dt ? ?2 d? = ? sin(t 0.2) dt ? ?2 d? = ? sin(t 0.2) dt ? ?2 d? = ? sin(t 0.2) dt ? ?2 d?
By JOJO at 03:16 10 Dec 2011
I protested them making the atom bomb--which was a lot like Aunt Jemima protesting making pancakes. But now I see the light.
By Wagstaff at 05:04 16 Jan 2012
e=mc^2 is not a even related to science. I just made it up to mess with other people's heads. It actually stands for "Einstein=Miss Congeniality 2". HEY, I always wanted to be a trans-sexual anyways!
By Aakash at 15:23 29 Mar 2012
I can't imagine clouds used for anything other than a thought.
By David Gordy at 22:20 24 May 2012
I really could do with a Big Mac right now. Those sesame seed buns just get me in every time.Hey, Ernie pop down to the Golden Arches, there's a good chap.
By whatinthe world at 10:46 28 Jan 2013
I don't care what the Mayan calendar says, the world will definitely end when someone writes a book about me.Like they say, sales will BOMB!
By whatinthe world at 10:50 28 Jan 2013
Welcome to my imagination. It's not pretty nor exciting but I promise you one thing, relatively speaking, and that is SEX!!!
By whatinthe world at 10:52 28 Jan 2013
ein volk, ein reich, ein fuhrer!!
By whatinthe world at 10:56 28 Jan 2013
...therefore, mathematically boobs DO move faster than light.
By Butch32 at 00:48 29 Nov 2013
That Black Hole suction ruins my Vidal Sassoon do every time!
By Trinculoman at 05:32 31 Jan 2014
I am living proof of the theory of relativity. Whether someone who looks like me is considered to be a homeless street person or not is relative to whether his name is Albert Einstein or not.
By Dick Sheerer at 07:37 11 Jun 2015
I wasn't really that smart, I just made up stuff that happened to work out. But you should see the stuff that didn't! I had to spend all my Nobel money to get them all back!
By Al N. at 01:51 25 Jan 2017
No one knows my wife actually wrote all my stuff! I wish I would have had enough time to publish her Unified Field Theory! What a mind that woman had!
By Al N. at 07:04 07 Feb 2017
I'm not really that smart. I just look smart because I hang out with a lot of dimwits.
By Al N. at 22:12 07 Mar 2017
I never called it the Theory of Relativity. I always thought relativity was when too many relatives came over.
By Al N. at 06:31 22 Mar 2017
At the end of the day you gets what you pays for. Einstein theories won't fall apart at the seams after five minutes, they'll last you for years. And if paying by cash I'll knock off 10%.
By Tommy Twinkle at 11:21 03 Jul 2017
Their is no conductor or semi-conductor as powerful as the strands of my hair!
By Al N. at 06:52 17 Aug 2017
People like to ask me what I think of Trump. They say they want to hear what the smartest man ever has to say about the dumbest man ever.
By Al N. at 02:40 06 Sep 2017
I'm suing Larry Fine from the 3 Stooges for stealing my hairstyle.
By Al N. at 20:53 22 Oct 2017
Why do people always ask me to explain the Theory of Relativity to them? Like I even remember it. I wrote the whole thing while on a 3-day bender and forgot it all as soon as i sobered up!
By Al N. at 07:15 25 Jan 2018
I'm the only one who realizes that my intelligence comes from my hair. I cut it once and got lost, lived on donuts for a whole month, and didn't remember where I lived until it grew back. Just sayin'!
By Al N. at 04:12 05 Apr 2018
It's a good time to be dead ever since Trump became President, relatively speaking.
By Al N. at 02:10 10 Aug 2018
It's not that I flunked Math in school, I actually made up my own system and used that until I got bored with it.
By Al N. at 05:10 10 Dec 2018

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