Showing:
I hate you all!

Terry |
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I'm shell-shocked! I'm glad Tricky Dicky's gone. But I have to Say Elvis has left the room Ladies and Gentleman - there goes the neighbourhood! |
By IN SEINE at 08:07 31 Aug 2011 |
I've got a great memory, you know, when I went to school 100 years ago I can still remember everything that was TAUGHT US |
By IN SEINE at 08:23 31 Aug 2011 |
I've got a great memory- TURTLE RECALL! |
By IN SEINE at 08:42 31 Aug 2011 |
Slow am I? I would've beaten Usain Bolt at those World Championships! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 10:56 31 Aug 2011 |
Sorry, I need to get a move on so can't stop for a chat. I want to avoid the rush hour. |
By Tommy Twinkle at 11:06 31 Aug 2011 |
Mortgaged up to their necks and still people look down at us. No mortgage to pay on this one mate! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 11:20 31 Aug 2011 |
Saw a shrink today - he said he'd soon get me out of my shell...GULP!!! |
By IN SEINE at 11:29 31 Aug 2011 |
My dad ACTUALLY met Charles Darwin. |
By IN SEINE at 11:32 31 Aug 2011 |
Take my advice. Don't waste your money on any of those wrinkle removing creams. I've tried em all!! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 11:48 31 Aug 2011 |
You do realise that I'm the ORIGINAL TT?... That Tommy Twinkle's an imposter! |
By IN SEINE at 12:57 31 Aug 2011 |
Ah the sweet taste of victory... Don't want to RABBIT on, but this is the ONE race that I didn't win by a HARE!!! |
By IN SEINE at 13:05 31 Aug 2011 |
This Turtle Wax is crap.. I've now got the complexion of Mother Theresa! |
By IN SEINE at 13:08 31 Aug 2011 |
"Excuse me, can you help me? I'm looking for Mr Nixon, and Presley?" |
By Inchcock at 16:00 31 Aug 2011 |
"I hope you realise that I may not move as quickly as Mr Nixon and Mr PResley did? Just be prepared!" |
By Inchcock at 16:01 31 Aug 2011 |
The name's PIN... Terry PIN! |
By IN SEINE at 17:40 31 Aug 2011 |
If someone can help me lift this rock, I reckon Gadaffi's hidin' under it and we can split the reward money 50/50. |
By IN SEINE at 17:47 31 Aug 2011 |
Sorry everyone. I was supposed to start here on June 1st but had to wait two months before I could make it safely across the road |
By Tommy Twinkle at 19:43 31 Aug 2011 |
If you'd like me to smile at the camera, just say . It could take me a couple o' months though! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 19:47 31 Aug 2011 |
I wonder why Mark chose "I hate you all!" as a title? Perhaps he took one of those Neurofen tablets for a nagging headache his wife gave him! |
By IN SEINE at 20:16 31 Aug 2011 |
Had a game of 'Chicken' today with me mates... on the M25. I got over safely ... and BACK! |
By IN SEINE at 15:37 01 Sep 2011 |
Now. I know I came in here for a reason... |
By I think I'm funny... at 19:10 01 Sep 2011 |
TORTOISE HEAVEN: a field full of tender young lettuce!! TORTOISEHELL: this bloody heavy casing I have to carry all my life. |
By IN SEINE at 10:23 02 Sep 2011 |
This IS my best side |
By IN SEINE at 10:25 02 Sep 2011 |
Tried some viagra today, it made my shell go rock hard, though my legs are a bit stiff, it could be arthritis |
By IN SEINE at 10:32 02 Sep 2011 |
You...yes you!! I HATE YOU; you are the worst spoofwriter on this entire site... even worse than IN SEINE. |
By IN SEINE at 10:44 02 Sep 2011 |
"I went into the bar and asked, "Have you seen my Dad?" "I don't know," says the barman. "What does he look like?" |
By Inchcock at 11:55 02 Sep 2011 |
"I'm in the PoliceI got promoted last week |
By Inchcock at 11:59 02 Sep 2011 |
"If this caption goes on as long as Nixon and Elvis did, I'll want overtime, I'' get a A Solicitortoise to sue 'em!" |
By Inchcock at 12:02 02 Sep 2011 |
"There was a terrible road accident today between a van full of tortoises and a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster." |
By Inchcock at 12:04 02 Sep 2011 |
It was ME who really tripped up that Notting Hill stabber not that bloke who wants to take the glory. You should see the bruises on my shell! |
By IN SEINE at 15:58 02 Sep 2011 |
Yesterday I ALMOST arrested Darryl Hannah - guess I wasn't quick enough - she's enough to take anynone's breath away!! |
By IN SEINE at 16:03 02 Sep 2011 |
Everybody thinks I'm one them shape-shifting reptilians like what David Icke says - yeah I'm Prince Charles really!! |
By IN SEINE at 16:20 02 Sep 2011 |
You'd move a bit slow as well if you had to carry your house around with you on your back. |
By Tommy Twinkle at 21:46 03 Sep 2011 |
I won't be doing another pantomime this year. 'Look behind you' they call out. Don't they understand it's not easy for me to do that? |
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:28 03 Sep 2011 |
Fit as a flea I am. See, basically I do press-ups all day long. |
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:31 03 Sep 2011 |
I won't be going to London to watch the Olympics next year. Too risky. I could be mistaken for one of those discus thingies! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:41 03 Sep 2011 |
I hope this isn't a porno site. I'm not going to take my shell off . Mind you, I could be tempted by a nice lettuce leaf! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:56 03 Sep 2011 |
What are you looking at bastard? I know I'm hard enough what about you? |
By Lynton at 00:40 04 Sep 2011 |
The little swine picked me up he did, pushed me along the carpet - and went Brrrrmm Brmmmm! Now I've got bloody heartburn after an hour of that shit. |
By Lynton at 00:44 04 Sep 2011 |
By next week I should be on the other side of this photo. |
By Mike at 00:47 04 Sep 2011 |
I was robbed by a gang of snails. I didn't see them. It all happened so fast |
By Mike at 00:53 04 Sep 2011 |
Mark misheard what I said.I didn't say 'I hate you all'. I said 'I'd eat you all'! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 06:02 04 Sep 2011 |
Yes...EAT YOU ALL...with a few Fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti! |
By IN SEINE at 10:27 04 Sep 2011 |
Mark sent me a text 2day.. It says..."I 8 U ALL!" so I guess that confrms it. |
By IN SEINE at 10:35 04 Sep 2011 |
Some stock market advice. Shell , shell, shell!!! So I talk with a lisp |
By Mike at 16:31 04 Sep 2011 |
Pew!!! It smells like Llama dung here |
By Mike at 17:13 04 Sep 2011 |
Okay Spoofers. I don't want to see any Polish jokes. My name is Ivan. Ivan Slowsky |
By Mike at 17:44 04 Sep 2011 |
Do I remind you too much of dial-up internet? Well too bad! I'm here to stay for awhile |
By Mike at 17:47 04 Sep 2011 |
Hey baby! Wanna come back and see my Koi Pond? |
By Mike at 17:50 04 Sep 2011 |
"Well I think I have all the traits and qualities to become a politician!" |
By Inchcock at 05:07 06 Sep 2011 |
"Guess I'm here due to my potMarked qualities?! |
By Inchcock at 05:10 06 Sep 2011 |
"Well I think I have all the traits and qualities to become a politician, 'tortoise' anagrams 'To Tories'!" |
By Inchcock at 05:22 06 Sep 2011 |
I hate you all - can also spell 'Ha I'll eat you', just a thought, I anticipate having a lot of time to think before being removed! |
By Inchcock at 05:32 06 Sep 2011 |
"Well I think I have all the traits and qualities to become a politician...and I think this shell is tough enough to withstand any flak! |
By IN SEINE at 12:59 06 Sep 2011 |
Tut..Tut......again Mark's misquoted me. What I really said was "I hate U-haul"(The 'Merican truck rental firm) |
By IN SEINE at 15:39 06 Sep 2011 |
The great thing about having a pet turtle like myself is...You can always find another that looks just like me |
By MIke at 20:35 06 Sep 2011 |
Slow captions day I take it? |
By Mike at 23:34 06 Sep 2011 |
Slow...SLOW?? Don't moan about being slow Mike otherwise I shall go on strike and then you'll really know what slow means! |
By IN SEINE at 10:59 07 Sep 2011 |
Please be patient, I'm EVOLVING! |
By IN SEINE at 11:03 07 Sep 2011 |
Who called me baldy? I'm not bothered. I've got a thick skin so can take it. At least I don't get dandruff! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 21:33 07 Sep 2011 |
Hare today. Gone tomorrow! |
By I think I'm funny... at 17:57 08 Sep 2011 |
They told me to come out of my shell. Now I have a criminal record! |
By I think I'm funny... at 17:59 08 Sep 2011 |
Go ahead motherfucker insult me, I couldn't care less as I'm thick skinned asshole! |
By herrdoktorfox at 18:48 08 Sep 2011 |
"My job? Yea, I carry the messages between Cameron and Clegg!" |
By Inchcock at 05:17 09 Sep 2011 |
"Oh that's better, just cleared out at the other end!" |
By Inchcock at 08:46 09 Sep 2011 |
Oh No.... I think I've got diaorreah... nothing for months and then 3 times in one day! |
By IN SEINE at 12:13 09 Sep 2011 |
COWABUNGA!!! |
By IN SEINE at 09:44 10 Sep 2011 |
I prefer it when I'm hibernating. I don't have to rush about all day! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:37 10 Sep 2011 |
I wish that yellow spot on my cheek was a fast-forward button! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:52 10 Sep 2011 |
...but sadly it's a SLOW MOTION button. |
By IN SEINE at 14:15 11 Sep 2011 |
I wish it was a ...JENSON BUTTON button LoL! |
By IN SEINE at 14:19 11 Sep 2011 |
I must have a dump I can feel the head of the tortoise...e by gum thats better......Christ, must lay off the lettuce though. |
By herrdoktorfox in transit at 16:44 11 Sep 2011 |
God my bloody neck is stiff, this upskirt photographic contract is doing me in. |
By herrdoktorfox in transit at 16:47 11 Sep 2011 |
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? |
By herrdoktorfox in transit at 16:57 11 Sep 2011 |
Listen up guys, what do you call and open tin on Tuna in a lesbians appartment? Potpourri |
By herrdoktorfox in transit at 16:59 11 Sep 2011 |
I appeared in the title sequence of One Foot in The Grave they said I would be a star I was typed cast |
By Barwood at 17:36 11 Sep 2011 |
The speed on the economic recovery is difficult to slow down to |
By j.w. at 19:52 11 Sep 2011 |
Take a photo--it'll last longer. |
By Lyndon at 02:59 13 Sep 2011 |
"I expect they'll make boots and gloves out of my body when I'm dead, still, I'm in no rush eh?" |
By Inchcock at 08:37 13 Sep 2011 |
"I'd make an excellent MP, thick skinned, slow, and none communicative!" |
By Inchcock at 08:40 13 Sep 2011 |
I've just qualified for the 2012 Olympics... The 400 metre TURTLES!!! |
By IN SEINE at 11:47 13 Sep 2011 |
When God made the first tortoise out of clay, he dropped it and he had to piece together the face the best he could!! |
By IN SEINE at 11:55 13 Sep 2011 |
My head won first prize at the Chelsea Flower Show... for CRAZY PAVING!! |
By IN SEINE at 10:44 14 Sep 2011 |
I've got to the stage when I no longer know whether or not I've got a hard on. |
By dick scratcher at 19:07 15 Sep 2011 |
God I feel horny I must mount something in a hurry, trouble is speed is not one of my better traits.. |
By dick scratcher at 19:10 15 Sep 2011 |
"The vet put me on water tablets, I ask you, it takes me over two hours to get to the loo,... the fool!" |
By Inchcock at 22:01 15 Sep 2011 |
"Have you seen the new 'Seaweed Peanuts'?. I think they designed the shells on me!" |
By Inchcock at 22:03 15 Sep 2011 |
I'm not bothered what you write in my bubble. Nothing could be more insulting than the last picture competition I was entered into. 'Still Life' indeed! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 00:04 16 Sep 2011 |
I don't go out on the roads these days - not since they brought in those Gatso speed cameras. |
By Tommy Twinkle at 00:39 16 Sep 2011 |
"Have you seen this site? http://www.blurtit.com/q485514.html, How to cook a turtle? And you wonder why I say I hate you all!" |
By Inchcock at 12:09 17 Sep 2011 |
"After seeing the England Wales match, I wonder if Fabio Capello has considered using me as a winger?" |
By Inchcock at 06:56 18 Sep 2011 |
I think I need glasses, that looks all blurry to me on my right. Do you think I'd look sexy with a tortoiseshell frame? |
By Tommy Twinkle at 15:06 18 Sep 2011 |
"My favourite food? Lettuce leaf that until later!" |
By Inchcock at 09:11 19 Sep 2011 |
For the last time, I do not look like Voldermort |
By Marc A Cutler at 15:42 20 Sep 2011 |
I hated the running races at school. I was quite good at the 'ready', and okay at the 'get set', but... oh well, two out of three wasn't so bad I suppose. |
By Tommy Twinkle at 17:25 20 Sep 2011 |
Introducing myself, I?m Tommy the Turtle, my wife?s name is Myrtle, I?m getting old so not pubertal, I eat food like lettuce and mirtle! |
By Inchcock at 17:53 21 Sep 2011 |
"Huh!" |
By Inchcock at 06:34 23 Sep 2011 |
... I'm so sorry that was a VERY poor Elvis impression! |
By IN SEINE at 10:42 23 Sep 2011 |
I might be conscripted to Libya - NATO is running low on SHELLS - that's what I do every day, but in my case I walk..SLOWLY! |
By IN SEINE at 10:47 23 Sep 2011 |
I am an antichrist! I am an anarchist! Know what I want and I know how to get it! |
By Ellis Ian Fields at 13:08 23 Sep 2011 |
Anyone seen my copy of The Dorking Review? |
By Ellis Ian Fields at 13:10 23 Sep 2011 |
"I'm just leaving you some of my Turtle made soup, and it's not mock turtle either...." |
By Inchcock at 17:39 24 Sep 2011 |
"Are you sure I'm not a penis?" |
By armfeetandtoe at 15:37 25 Sep 2011 |
"So they said, why not become a nightclub comedian" |
By armfeetandtoe at 16:55 25 Sep 2011 |
"Im always sticking my neck out for other people" |
By armfeetandtoe at 16:56 25 Sep 2011 |
"Im the shell of the turtle I used to be" |
By armfeetandtoe at 18:26 25 Sep 2011 |
I've been invited to go on 'I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here'. I'm not falling for that one. My mate did and he found himself on a plate! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 21:58 26 Sep 2011 |
"I was a British Rail mascot for years" |
By armfeetandtoe at 23:20 27 Sep 2011 |
Who cares? I'm a turtle. |
By Rawful News at 05:40 28 Sep 2011 |
So I said to the tailor, are you sure shell suits are in at the moment. That was 100 years ago |
By armfeetandtoe at 11:42 28 Sep 2011 |
David, put me back in your pants. Victoria doesn't like it it |
By Bert Onassis at 12:18 28 Sep 2011 |
"I am not an Alien, I am not an Alien" |
By armfeetandtoe at 17:48 28 Sep 2011 |
"They took the teeth out and it's been lettuce ever since" |
By armfeetandtoe at 08:46 29 Sep 2011 |
"I move house all the time" |
By armfeetandtoe at 08:47 29 Sep 2011 |
Then thay said they'd take me on a caravan holiday! Ha! |
By Inchcock at 17:58 30 Sep 2011 |
"Are you still having the hallucinations?" |
By Big Stu at 13:12 01 Oct 2011 |
Did I win the hundred metres hurdles? |
By Big Stu at 13:14 01 Oct 2011 |
I spiked the hare's carrot juice with laxitives, he never stood a chance! |
By Big Stu at 13:15 01 Oct 2011 |
"Well, having the shits can be a problem, the smell tends to follow me around!" |
By armfeetandtoe at 13:27 01 Oct 2011 |
"Most of my family have become pie dishes. I want to be and ashtray" |
By armfeetandtoe at 13:28 01 Oct 2011 |
"Have you got a tin opener mate?" |
By armfeetandtoe at 13:30 01 Oct 2011 |
Of course Im an angry young tortoise, would'nt you be if your bolox were dragging along the ground all day!" |
By armfeetandtoe at 13:31 01 Oct 2011 |
"Can I dance? I can do the Stomp and Shuffle, but not the Quick-step or Charleston.... Bolero to doing them!" |
By Inchcock at 07:15 02 Oct 2011 |
We Turtles can live for over of 90 years... oh dear, I've depressed myself now!" |
By Inchcock at 05:45 03 Oct 2011 |
Come on then you lot if you think you're so clever - where are my ears, eh? |
By Tommy Twinkle at 11:24 03 Oct 2011 |
"Gas? Yes I prefer Shell petrol! Haha, and you thought I looked gloomy didn't you?" |
By Inchcock at 16:13 03 Oct 2011 |
Bugger off, I'm thinking about sex! |
By Big Stu at 19:01 03 Oct 2011 |
"I'm not rushing you Spoofer's for a caption, look how long Elvis and Nixon had to sit it out!, take your time" |
By Inchcock at 20:37 04 Oct 2011 |
I've come to the party dressed as Michelle. Geddit? |
By IainB at 12:53 06 Oct 2011 |
I'm like the Mona Lisa, my eye follows you around the room. Admittedly, it can take a while to catch you up... |
By IainB at 12:54 06 Oct 2011 |
I think my owner wanted straight skipping ropes for her birthday, but instead of taut toys, she got me. |
By IainB at 12:55 06 Oct 2011 |
I'm giving a slug a piggy back ride, he keeps telling me to slow down! |
By IainB at 12:55 06 Oct 2011 |
Is Richard Wilson dead yet? He always had one foot in the grave. |
By IainB at 12:57 06 Oct 2011 |
I'm a camouflaged tortoise, this is my Crazy Paving look. |
By IainB at 12:58 06 Oct 2011 |
Do you know where I can buy one roller skate? |
By IainB at 12:59 06 Oct 2011 |
I used to be ritually abused on Blue Peter until I made a run for it |
By IainB at 13:00 06 Oct 2011 |
Tortoise farming? Well, I suppose everybody would get a leg, a bowl to eat soup out of, and you don't need fences to keep me in. Ideal really. |
By IainB at 13:01 06 Oct 2011 |
Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. |
By IainB at 13:01 06 Oct 2011 |
I've just outpaced John Terry to score the winner for QPR. |
By IainB at 13:02 06 Oct 2011 |
"I might not be very good on the 'stairs'.... but I'm good with the 'stares'" |
By Inchcock at 19:16 06 Oct 2011 |
"Where do you find a tortoise with no legs? Right where you left him?yea funny! |
By Inchcock at 19:30 06 Oct 2011 |
What are my eyes seeing? Am I shrinking, or is it just that things grow bigger when I get closer to them? |
By Tommy Twinkle at 00:13 07 Oct 2011 |
"I need help, I'm lost, has anyone seen David Bellamy or David Attenborough, I can only find Nixon, Elvis, Solomon, & Llamas!" |
By Inchcock at 06:58 07 Oct 2011 |
"Eye eye, what's up then?" |
By Inchcock at 07:12 07 Oct 2011 |
"Did you know that Tortoises (Testudinidae) are a family of land-dwelling reptiles of the order of turtles? - Now sod off! |
By Inchcock at 09:02 07 Oct 2011 |
I'm overtaking British economkiic growth |
By j.w. at 14:29 07 Oct 2011 |
Amanda Knox can stroke my shell anytime she feels like it...cor!! |
By dickscratcher at 16:06 07 Oct 2011 |
"The echos around the inside of this shell drive me fuckin mad!" |
By armfeetandtoe at 12:03 08 Oct 2011 |
I've had a hard on weeks now. |
By dickscratcher at 17:43 08 Oct 2011 |
Slow? Yeah, well I'm rock climbing. |
By Tommy Twinkle at 23:13 08 Oct 2011 |
Have you noticed a lot of my relatives go out for a drive on Sundays? |
By Tommy Twinkle at 12:39 09 Oct 2011 |
for fuck sake how much longer will this turd take to pass? |
By ivor bigun at 17:42 09 Oct 2011 |
I fancy a slow leg over with Liz Hurley, mind you at my age it was never gonna be fast!! |
By ivor bigun at 17:43 09 Oct 2011 |
You lot are lucky..you can scratch your nether regions when required!! |
By ivor bigun at 17:44 09 Oct 2011 |
"Bollocks to this!" |
By Nora Bone at 19:12 09 Oct 2011 |
"Oi, get your fucking finger outta my arse sunshine!" |
By dingdongdolally at 14:25 10 Oct 2011 |
"I've got the cheek alright!.. mind you I've never it! |
By Inchcock at 19:27 10 Oct 2011 |
?Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.? |
By Inchcock at 19:34 10 Oct 2011 |
My fucking nuts have seized up! |
By anusol at 20:10 11 Oct 2011 |
Life goes at 100mph. So slow down every now and then! |
By QprTilliDie87 at 23:13 11 Oct 2011 |
Scaly face, eyebrows singed away, a neck with varicose veins, - see what happens when you smoke? |
By Tommy Twinkle at 12:54 12 Oct 2011 |
"I'm so old, I can remember Ami Turtle on Coronation Street! No relative though" |
By Inchcock at 19:07 13 Oct 2011 |
"Only my second appearance in the media since One Foot in the Grave... I don't believe it!" |
By Inchcock at 06:36 14 Oct 2011 |
Thrown in a dustbin by a minister as i'm not interesting |
By j.w. at 15:58 14 Oct 2011 |
"Okay, you can stop fucking about now and take the lid off" |
By armfeetandtoe at 22:45 14 Oct 2011 |
"Mark put me in the competition, cause he knows we Tortoise's live for a hundred years.... so you can expect me to be here for while yet, no rush!" |
By Inchcock at 19:25 16 Oct 2011 |
"Thank heavens I wasn't born a sloth, all that rushing around!" |
By Inchcock at 18:37 17 Oct 2011 |
"I was caught neckin' with a female tortoise yesterday... neck-in? Get it? No neither did I, no wonder I look so glum!" |
By Inchcock at 11:03 18 Oct 2011 |
"God it's lonely here lately!" |
By Inchcock at 11:06 19 Oct 2011 |
Fuck this, when I signed up they told me it was for one week only, my balls are ready to drop of in this cold! |
By wankstain at 19:28 19 Oct 2011 |
What you cannot see is my arse stuck up Jordans fanny, the blind cow though I was rampant! |
By wankstain at 19:29 19 Oct 2011 |
"I started out at BP and ended up working for shell" |
By armfeetandtoe at 23:38 19 Oct 2011 |
I'm gagging for a good shag. |
By cumoften at 15:56 20 Oct 2011 |
What I'd give for a spliff. |
By bonerbill at 11:43 22 Oct 2011 |
"Hang on I'm coming into view.. you photographers are so impatient!" |
By Inchcock at 18:06 22 Oct 2011 |
"Yer I take drugs, I just don't seem able to get a high or rush from them!" |
By Inchcock at 11:53 23 Oct 2011 |
Bloody LYNX effect has not done much for my standing |
By Capatin erection at 19:16 23 Oct 2011 |
If I could move any slower I could be a candidate for congress! |
By NWNewsmash at 00:30 24 Oct 2011 |
" My favourite music? Anything by the Tortoise band, 'Simple Way to Go Faster Than Light That Does Not Work' for example!" |
By Inchcock at 07:34 24 Oct 2011 |
The doc says it's nothing serious, just me age, but that I'm going to have to slow down a bit.. |
By Tommy Twinkle at 10:50 24 Oct 2011 |
It's taken millions of years to evolve a crazy paving camouflage - just in time, I'd say |
By IainB at 11:48 24 Oct 2011 |
Fuck it, my piles are crucifying me! |
By ejaculationeddie at 16:24 24 Oct 2011 |
Think you've got problems? It rained last night and I found out I've got a leaky roof! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 00:00 25 Oct 2011 |
"Please release me let me gooo!" |
By norabone at 13:29 25 Oct 2011 |
You lot have it easy.......... Ever wondered what it would be like to have a head like a circumcised bell-end? |
By pinxit at 09:18 26 Oct 2011 |
TYPICAL!!! I spent the last 2 weeks walking to the occupy London protest, only to find I'm the only one there at night - DAMN HUMANS |
By IN SEINE at 14:39 26 Oct 2011 |
In Mexico, my Aunt was raped by Godzzilla - months later she had a 'TORTILLA' -Now that's what I call fast food! |
By IN SEINE at 14:47 26 Oct 2011 |
I just cannot wait for payday then I'm gonna shell out for a new suit. |
By cumonmytitssweetie at 15:06 26 Oct 2011 |
"All that cocaine an now me nose falls off" |
By armfeetandtoe at 15:18 26 Oct 2011 |
These fucking suspenders are killing me! |
By upyerarse at 16:10 26 Oct 2011 |
"Oi, you cunt next time you decide to fart don't do it in my fucking face!" |
By upyerarse at 10:07 27 Oct 2011 |
"Slow! Fuckin Slow! How dod you think I got this flat nose! Runnin into doors at 3 miles an hour! Fuk off!" |
By armfeetandtoe at 21:39 27 Oct 2011 |
"So when I lost the other one, my optician said he would keep an eye out for me!" |
By armfeetandtoe at 21:41 27 Oct 2011 |
"Happiness, hapiness, I thank the Lord that I possess, more than my share..... oh sod-it!" |
By Inchcock at 11:55 28 Oct 2011 |
"How long has this been going on....too fucking long cobber about time you changed the caption assholes!" |
By cockcheese at 17:52 28 Oct 2011 |
Fucking Halloween, dress up as a tortoise they said,,,,fucking outfits strangling me bollocks! |
By spermslurper at 15:56 29 Oct 2011 |
Oh gawd! Bleedin' fireworks season's 'ere again. Time to hibernate and get in me shell. Roll on spring! |
By Tommy Twinkle at 20:25 29 Oct 2011 |
"Oi, take that fucking banger out of my arse!" |
By Herrdoktorfox at 13:34 30 Oct 2011 |
If only I had made it to the X-Factor auditions in time I could have pissed it judging from the crap on this years show |
By Herrdoktorfox at 17:10 30 Oct 2011 |
"Am I the only Gay Tortoise in the zoo?" |
By armfeetandtoe at 13:43 31 Oct 2011 |
"If only I could scratch me arse" |
By armfeetandtoe at 13:45 31 Oct 2011 |
"Dont ask, the face says it all" |
By armfeetandtoe at 13:47 31 Oct 2011 |
"Is WW3 over yet?" |
By ivonafuck at 15:56 31 Oct 2011 |
"On me 'ead son...!" |
By Inchcock at 06:49 02 Nov 2011 |
"I was once imprisoned in a terrarium, but I made a bolt for it to freedom!" |
By Inchcock at 06:58 02 Nov 2011 |
"I needs a high fibre, low protein diet, but my owners don't want to pay me for it - bit like your pensioners!" |
By Inchcock at 07:02 02 Nov 2011 |
"They said I had to go into Hibernation, I told em I wasn't going to live in Scotland!" |
By Inchcock at 07:07 02 Nov 2011 |
"John Major; The first requirement of politics is not intellect or stamina but patience. Politics is a long run game and the tortoise will beat the hare! |
By Inchcock at 07:14 02 Nov 2011 |
"You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all I can do is to give them a meaningful look. |
By Inchcock at 07:15 02 Nov 2011 |
"When I have to go to the loo, I follow the advice of Percy Vereance!" |
By Inchcock at 07:18 02 Nov 2011 |
"Hard to believe, but on a good day I can get up to 100 millimetres per hour" |
By Inchcock at 06:38 03 Nov 2011 |
"Who do I go out with? Who do you think... Michelle... hahaha... oh never mind!" |
By Inchcock at 06:41 03 Nov 2011 |
"I've often wondered myself, just where does Turtle Wax come from? Makes me nervous just thinking about it!" |
By Inchcock at 06:44 03 Nov 2011 |
I've been alive for over 247 years and I still don't get cheques for appearing on these web sites. Damn you all to hell! |
By whatinthe world at 11:31 14 Nov 2011 |
Can somebody tell me how I can find a bloody good plastic surgeon. This visage is getting a wee bit pasty. Not to mention the wrinkles and general tiredness. |
By whatinthe world at 11:35 14 Nov 2011 |
Bleedin' six weks on Jenny Craig, now look at me!!! |
By whatinthe world at 14:30 18 Nov 2011 |
Oi, Attenborough! where's my bleedin' cheque, you git! |
By whatinthe world at 14:31 18 Nov 2011 |
When I started this journey, I was in a luxurious Campervan. Now look what I'm stuck with. |
By whatinthe world at 14:33 18 Nov 2011 |
The reason I look so bloody miserable is because I just got eliminated from Survivor South Pacific. I mean bloomin' heck!! |
By whatinthe world at 13:01 23 Nov 2011 |
Any body wanna race me? I always win! Always!! Winner!! W.I.N.N.E.R!!!!! |
By whatinthe world at 13:03 23 Nov 2011 |
The FTSE fell 5 points last night but do I look worried? Um, yeah. |
By whatinthe world at 13:05 23 Nov 2011 |
My wife gave me something different for Xmas. A turtle neck sweater! For real! |
By whatinthe world at 13:47 25 Nov 2011 |
I used to be a high flying stockbroker but now I'm a shell of my former self. |
By whatinthe world at 13:52 25 Nov 2011 |
Oi, is Thatcher still PM? |
By whatinthe world at 13:55 25 Nov 2011 |
What are you laughing at?!! Just because I got sacked from BBC2.... |
By whatinthe world at 12:57 02 Dec 2011 |
I'm being harassed by snakes, goannas, wild dogs, ferrel cats, and bloody mindless tourists. I don't believe them when they use the term "eco-tourism". |
By whatinthe world at 13:02 02 Dec 2011 |
Did someone say turtle soup? |
By JOJO at 03:04 10 Dec 2011 |
I should never drink Tequila and methylated spirits in one glass. Makes me feel decidedly reptilian. Hang on, I am reptilian. |
By whatinthe world at 12:44 28 Dec 2011 |
Does this still accept entries? |
By Chris James at 17:58 11 Feb 2012 |
Bugger me, it does, how bizzarre |
By Chris James at 17:59 11 Feb 2012 |
The next person who likens me to a turd popping out of a bottom...... |
By HaveIGotNewsForYou at 18:59 26 Jul 2012 |
No, I am in no way related to Simon Amstell |
By HaveIGotNewsForYou at 19:00 26 Jul 2012 |
Anybody know any good turtle jokes? |
By whatinthe world at 10:41 28 Jan 2013 |
Whaddya lookin' at? If you shove that pamphlet on mah face, I'll make sure you get eaten by the shark on the nearby lake! |
By Rocko the Zen Wallaby at 06:51 22 Mar 2013 |
Hello MTV Cribs. You wanna see the living room? Well, this is it. I'll be a getting a second floor after my role in TMNT 6: Splinter's Funeral. |
By Butch32 at 00:42 29 Nov 2013 |
You'd be slow too, if you'd nailed as much hot turtle poontang as I have. |
By Brett Taylor at 18:04 12 Aug 2014 |
Just give me a reason, Kanye! |
By Al N. at 05:18 21 Oct 2014 |
Something is being very, very, very slowly pushed up my ass and it seems to me that it could very well be a huge, throbbing, 120 year old, a turtle dick |
By Don Grapper at 14:13 19 Mar 2015 |
I heard him say, "On your mark, get ready, set.......", but I'm still waiting for him to say, "Go!" |
By Dick Sheerer at 05:43 11 Jun 2015 |
What are you looking at coppers? You'll never take me alive! |
By Al N. at 05:00 25 Dec 2016 |
So, you're telling me Trump won the election? Hey buddy, I may be slow but I'm not THAT slow. |
By Al N. at 04:37 19 Jan 2017 |
You're calling me developmentally disabled? You know, I liked just plain "slow" much better. |
By Al N. at 18:42 05 Mar 2017 |
"No matter how they toss the dice, it had to be--the only one for me is you, and you for me So happy together" OK, now can I be in The Turtles?" |
By Al N. at 00:07 22 Mar 2017 |
Am I too late for the Rudy Vallee concert? |
By Al N. at 22:46 26 Mar 2017 |
I'm writing my congressman about making Turtle Soup illegal. |
By Al N. at 01:55 29 Mar 2017 |
Geez, I'm only 89 years old but it feels like 110! |
By Al N. at 04:08 02 Apr 2017 |
What do you mean drunk? I only had about 8 thimbles! |
By Al N. at 19:15 03 Apr 2017 |
Where's that damn hare? I know I'm going to beat him! I've got a secret plan.Ya! Here I come!! Oh, never mind.The hare woke up and passed me. I hate the hare!!! |
By Al N. at 02:15 05 Apr 2017 |
What you looking at? You think you're better than me with that Winnebago? I've got a kitchen and pool room in here you know! |
By Al N. at 17:59 09 Apr 2017 |
I think I'm caught in a time warp. Didn't I just that? |
By Al N. at 01:38 11 Apr 2017 |
I think I'm caught in a time warp. Hey! Didn't I just say that? |
By Al N. at 01:39 11 Apr 2017 |
Ya, I voted for Trump. Do I look like a genius? |
By Al N. at 22:27 12 Apr 2017 |
Hey Trump! You dropped your toupee! Oh never mind, it's just some donkey shit. |
By Al N. at 16:39 14 Apr 2017 |
Okay, I voted for Trump. I admit it. It was because I wanted someone I knew I was smarter than. EVERYBODY'S smarter than that dildo! |
By Al N. at 02:53 07 May 2017 |
I don't mind having shitty health care, as long as those poor billionaires get some decent tax cuts! |
By Al N. at 02:58 07 May 2017 |
I voted for Trump because he's such a dic, but he is really exceeding my expectations! |
By Al N. at 03:13 07 May 2017 |
So you expect me to say something funny? I need to see some money first. |
By Al N. at 16:39 08 May 2017 |
I'm telling you Trump voters, all this bullshit is on you! |
By Al N. at 16:13 10 May 2017 |
OK, I may be just a tortoise but even I know that if you're a turtle, you don't vote for someone who wants to get rid of turtle soup. |
By Al N. at 18:28 10 May 2017 |
Hey there's Bill Cosby! Hey Bill! Over here rapist! Wow, I guess he really is blind. Back in the day he would be stomping on me by now. |
By Al N. at 16:08 12 May 2017 |
I'm cancelling cable. Once they dropped "Tortoise Time |
By Al N. at 01:46 17 May 2017 |
I'm cancelling cable. Once they dropped "Tortoise Time" I knew it was time. |
By Al N. at 01:48 17 May 2017 |
So Trump is taking a trip to Saudia Arabia, Israel, Rome and Belgium. Is he on the run? |
By Al N. at 05:51 19 May 2017 |
Regarding Trumps Foreign visits, Buckle your seatbelts because it's going to be a bumpy ride! |
By Al N. at 05:54 19 May 2017 |
I've got 203 days in the "How Long Until Trump is Impeached" pool. That should be pretty close! I think I've got a good chance! |
By Al N. at 02:29 20 May 2017 |
I DO NOT look like the Atty. General-he looks like me! |
By Al N. at 23:02 30 May 2017 |
I do NOT look like Jefferson Sessions!! NOT! NOT! NOT! |
By Al N. at 22:08 02 Jun 2017 |
Do I look ok? I always feel good when I clean house. |
By Al N. at 00:38 04 Jun 2017 |
No one was scared of making fun of Obama and Hillary. Why are they so afraid of Trump? |
By Al N. at 06:05 06 Jun 2017 |
I don't have to go to court today! I AM NOT Jeff Sessions! |
By Al N. at 14:24 12 Jun 2017 |
Trump doesn't scare me. Oh no! Is that a lump of orange I see? |
By Al N. at 23:05 24 Jun 2017 |
People can't decide if I resemble Mitch McConnell or Jeff Sessions. I think both are handsome. |
By Al N. at 00:35 28 Jul 2017 |
Trump is the stupidest human I've ever seen, and that's saying something since I'm over 300 years old. |
By Al N. at 18:40 08 Aug 2017 |
Yo. Who's got some Janet Jackson? |
By Ryan Eggensperger at 16:44 28 Oct 2017 |
I'm telling you, Girls just wanna have fun! |
By Al N. at 03:50 30 Oct 2017 |
What do you mean I'm being banned from Twitter? All I tweeted was I wonder why Twitter let Trump keep disrespecting their company. |
By Al N. at 03:16 02 Nov 2017 |
In all my 300 years I don't think I've ever seen a fuck-up like the current U.S. Administration. Am I going to wake up and it's all a nightmare? I hope so!! |
By Al N. at 16:37 03 Nov 2017 |
I'm busy writing a book about my first 250 years including my opinion on why Trump sucks but he WAS better than alcoholic Franklin Pierce. |
By Al N. at 00:28 09 Nov 2017 |
I wanted to be Kid Rock's running mate, but it's impossible for someone of my species to run. |
By Al N. at 04:53 18 Nov 2017 |
I do ok for someone that's over 300 years old. I still have all my own teeth, don't wear glasses, and still go out on Sat. nites for a quick rum. Got a problem? |
By Al N. at 04:37 20 Nov 2017 |
Don't look at me like that. I didn't vote for him! |
By Al N. at 23:21 06 Dec 2017 |
You know I don't eat anything but crickets! But how come anytime I mention it, it's crickets? |
By Al N. at 03:37 09 Dec 2017 |
Please, someone like one of these other sayings of mine so we can move on from the Quadaffi under the rock one. It's only been 5 years since he died. Hit like! |
By Al N. at 05:26 09 Dec 2017 |
Bah Humbug....I was promised death by the Spirit of Christmas yet to come, and look what he did to me. The git. |
By Ben Macnair at 16:51 06 Jan 2018 |
I don't know why Trump won't return my calls. He likes famous people and I'm related to Yertle the Turtle,,Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the Mock Turtle! |
By Al N. at 00:52 10 Jan 2018 |
I'm getting tired of doing this Jeff Sessions imitation. Ok if I switch to Eric Trump? |
By Al N. at 01:57 23 Jan 2018 |
If I really was the attorney general, and I'm not saying that I'm not, I wouldn't fuck with the marijuana people. I would take bribes.. |
By Al N. at 03:00 31 Jan 2018 |
Whoever keeps liking that Quadaffi joke about lifting this rock, knock it off. Enough already. We need a new opening comment. It's been 10 years since he died! |
By Al N. at 05:29 03 Feb 2018 |
When I was just 110 I got cancer but was at Hiroshima for the A-Bomb and it was super-chemo and cured me.That's why my skin never cleared up so stop staring! |
By Al N. at 22:06 15 Feb 2018 |
Rats! If Trump dumps Jeff Sessions as Attorney General, I'll never be able to get chicks who think I'm him. The resemblance IS uncanny! |
By Al N. at 23:22 16 Feb 2018 |
Ok, I admit that I really AM Attorney General Jeff Sessions. I'm recusing myself from any more discussion and going in my shell now. |
By Al N. at 04:50 02 Mar 2018 |
Why am I so pissed? They STILL have not manufactured a gun that I can pull the trigger on! Where's the NRA now? |
By Al N. at 03:30 09 Mar 2018 |
I wish I could get my nose up a little higher. Above turd level would be nice. |
By Aspartame Boy at 02:35 06 Apr 2018 |
I'm going to go spend my tax savings. I should be back in about 15 minutes. |
By Al N. at 07:11 09 Jun 2018 |
Those politicians that say I have to have a license plate can go %$@& themselves! |
By Al N. at 02:36 17 Jun 2018 |
So I'm tired of just smoking grass, right? So now I VAPE! It's AWESOME!! |
By Al N. at 22:05 25 Jun 2018 |
I have a new philosophy. I think "What would Trump do" and then do the opposite.and then I know I'm probably doing the right thing. |
By Al N. at 00:54 07 Jul 2018 |
I can't keep up with what I'm supposed to be supporting. And I'm a Democrat. How do the Republicans do it? |
By Al N. at 20:52 25 Jul 2018 |
My fortune-teller warned me years ago that if I lived too long I would have to live through the Trump Presidency. I said, "Bring it On!" Boy, was I wrong! |
By Al N. at 03:43 05 Aug 2018 |
Everybody's saying I used poison carrots to help win that race against the tortoise. I say, "Sour grapes suckers!!" |
By Al N. at 02:39 13 Aug 2018 |
What do you mean I need an address on my Voter I.D. card?!! |
By Al N. at 04:10 28 Oct 2018 |
I had a nightmare that they would run campaign all the time EXCEPT election time. Never again would be better. |
By Al N. at 01:46 06 Nov 2018 |
Ok, the Democrats won the House! That means we impeach, right? |
By Al N. at 00:28 10 Nov 2018 |
My new job at the White House didn't work out. Melania had me fired on the first day because I laughed at her outfit. |
By Al N. at 01:36 19 Nov 2018 |
I forget, is it Jeff Sessions I look like? No! It's Mitch McConnell! Whew, I thought for a second there I was out of a job! |
By Al N. at 05:03 20 Nov 2018 |
Gee, Trump seems a little agitated lately. Karma's a bitch! |
By Al N. at 01:10 22 Nov 2018 |
This is the dangerous time when Republicans have their last month of power. What will they do?? |
By Al N. at 02:17 07 Dec 2018 |
I'm not Mitch McConnell although we go to the same tailor. |
By Al N. at 06:18 03 Jan 2019 |
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