I hate you all!

Caption competition image
By author at 00:00 1 Jan 2000

Show all entries as a list.

I'm shell-shocked! I'm glad Tricky Dicky's gone. But I have to Say Elvis has left the room Ladies and Gentleman - there goes the neighbourhood!
By IN SEINE at 08:07 31 Aug 2011
I've got a great memory, you know, when I went to school 100 years ago I can still remember everything that was TAUGHT US
By IN SEINE at 08:23 31 Aug 2011
I've got a great memory- TURTLE RECALL!
By IN SEINE at 08:42 31 Aug 2011
Slow am I? I would've beaten Usain Bolt at those World Championships!
By Tommy Twinkle at 10:56 31 Aug 2011
Sorry, I need to get a move on so can't stop for a chat. I want to avoid the rush hour.
By Tommy Twinkle at 11:06 31 Aug 2011
Mortgaged up to their necks and still people look down at us. No mortgage to pay on this one mate!
By Tommy Twinkle at 11:20 31 Aug 2011
Saw a shrink today - he said he'd soon get me out of my shell...GULP!!!
By IN SEINE at 11:29 31 Aug 2011
My dad ACTUALLY met Charles Darwin.
By IN SEINE at 11:32 31 Aug 2011
Take my advice. Don't waste your money on any of those wrinkle removing creams. I've tried em all!!
By Tommy Twinkle at 11:48 31 Aug 2011
You do realise that I'm the ORIGINAL TT?... That Tommy Twinkle's an imposter!
By IN SEINE at 12:57 31 Aug 2011
Ah the sweet taste of victory... Don't want to RABBIT on, but this is the ONE race that I didn't win by a HARE!!!
By IN SEINE at 13:05 31 Aug 2011
This Turtle Wax is crap.. I've now got the complexion of Mother Theresa!
By IN SEINE at 13:08 31 Aug 2011
"Excuse me, can you help me? I'm looking for Mr Nixon, and Presley?"
By Inchcock at 16:00 31 Aug 2011
"I hope you realise that I may not move as quickly as Mr Nixon and Mr PResley did? Just be prepared!"
By Inchcock at 16:01 31 Aug 2011
The name's PIN... Terry PIN!
By IN SEINE at 17:40 31 Aug 2011
If someone can help me lift this rock, I reckon Gadaffi's hidin' under it and we can split the reward money 50/50.
By IN SEINE at 17:47 31 Aug 2011
Sorry everyone. I was supposed to start here on June 1st but had to wait two months before I could make it safely across the road
By Tommy Twinkle at 19:43 31 Aug 2011
If you'd like me to smile at the camera, just say . It could take me a couple o' months though!
By Tommy Twinkle at 19:47 31 Aug 2011
I wonder why Mark chose "I hate you all!" as a title? Perhaps he took one of those Neurofen tablets for a nagging headache his wife gave him!
By IN SEINE at 20:16 31 Aug 2011
Had a game of 'Chicken' today with me mates... on the M25. I got over safely ... and BACK!
By IN SEINE at 15:37 01 Sep 2011
Now. I know I came in here for a reason...
By I think I'm funny... at 19:10 01 Sep 2011
TORTOISE HEAVEN: a field full of tender young lettuce!! TORTOISEHELL: this bloody heavy casing I have to carry all my life.
By IN SEINE at 10:23 02 Sep 2011
This IS my best side
By IN SEINE at 10:25 02 Sep 2011
Tried some viagra today, it made my shell go rock hard, though my legs are a bit stiff, it could be arthritis
By IN SEINE at 10:32 02 Sep 2011
You...yes you!! I HATE YOU; you are the worst spoofwriter on this entire site... even worse than IN SEINE.
By IN SEINE at 10:44 02 Sep 2011
"I went into the bar and asked, "Have you seen my Dad?" "I don't know," says the barman. "What does he look like?"
By Inchcock at 11:55 02 Sep 2011
"I'm in the PoliceI got promoted last week
By Inchcock at 11:59 02 Sep 2011
"If this caption goes on as long as Nixon and Elvis did, I'll want overtime, I'' get a A Solicitortoise to sue 'em!"
By Inchcock at 12:02 02 Sep 2011
"There was a terrible road accident today between a van full of tortoises and a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster."
By Inchcock at 12:04 02 Sep 2011
It was ME who really tripped up that Notting Hill stabber not that bloke who wants to take the glory. You should see the bruises on my shell!
By IN SEINE at 15:58 02 Sep 2011
Yesterday I ALMOST arrested Darryl Hannah - guess I wasn't quick enough - she's enough to take anynone's breath away!!
By IN SEINE at 16:03 02 Sep 2011
Everybody thinks I'm one them shape-shifting reptilians like what David Icke says - yeah I'm Prince Charles really!!
By IN SEINE at 16:20 02 Sep 2011
You'd move a bit slow as well if you had to carry your house around with you on your back.
By Tommy Twinkle at 21:46 03 Sep 2011
I won't be doing another pantomime this year. 'Look behind you' they call out. Don't they understand it's not easy for me to do that?
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:28 03 Sep 2011
Fit as a flea I am. See, basically I do press-ups all day long.
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:31 03 Sep 2011
I won't be going to London to watch the Olympics next year. Too risky. I could be mistaken for one of those discus thingies!
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:41 03 Sep 2011
I hope this isn't a porno site. I'm not going to take my shell off . Mind you, I could be tempted by a nice lettuce leaf!
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:56 03 Sep 2011
What are you looking at bastard? I know I'm hard enough what about you?
By Lynton at 00:40 04 Sep 2011
The little swine picked me up he did, pushed me along the carpet - and went Brrrrmm Brmmmm! Now I've got bloody heartburn after an hour of that shit.
By Lynton at 00:44 04 Sep 2011
By next week I should be on the other side of this photo.
By Mike at 00:47 04 Sep 2011
I was robbed by a gang of snails. I didn't see them. It all happened so fast
By Mike at 00:53 04 Sep 2011
Mark misheard what I said.I didn't say 'I hate you all'. I said 'I'd eat you all'!
By Tommy Twinkle at 06:02 04 Sep 2011
Yes...EAT YOU ALL...with a few Fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti!
By IN SEINE at 10:27 04 Sep 2011
Mark sent me a text 2day.. It says..."I 8 U ALL!" so I guess that confrms it.
By IN SEINE at 10:35 04 Sep 2011
Some stock market advice. Shell , shell, shell!!! So I talk with a lisp
By Mike at 16:31 04 Sep 2011
Pew!!! It smells like Llama dung here
By Mike at 17:13 04 Sep 2011
Okay Spoofers. I don't want to see any Polish jokes. My name is Ivan. Ivan Slowsky
By Mike at 17:44 04 Sep 2011
Do I remind you too much of dial-up internet? Well too bad! I'm here to stay for awhile
By Mike at 17:47 04 Sep 2011
Hey baby! Wanna come back and see my Koi Pond?
By Mike at 17:50 04 Sep 2011
"Well I think I have all the traits and qualities to become a politician!"
By Inchcock at 05:07 06 Sep 2011
"Guess I'm here due to my potMarked qualities?!
By Inchcock at 05:10 06 Sep 2011
"Well I think I have all the traits and qualities to become a politician, 'tortoise' anagrams 'To Tories'!"
By Inchcock at 05:22 06 Sep 2011
I hate you all - can also spell 'Ha I'll eat you', just a thought, I anticipate having a lot of time to think before being removed!
By Inchcock at 05:32 06 Sep 2011
"Well I think I have all the traits and qualities to become a politician...and I think this shell is tough enough to withstand any flak!
By IN SEINE at 12:59 06 Sep 2011
Tut..Tut......again Mark's misquoted me. What I really said was "I hate U-haul"(The 'Merican truck rental firm)
By IN SEINE at 15:39 06 Sep 2011
The great thing about having a pet turtle like myself is...You can always find another that looks just like me
By MIke at 20:35 06 Sep 2011
Slow captions day I take it?
By Mike at 23:34 06 Sep 2011
Slow...SLOW?? Don't moan about being slow Mike otherwise I shall go on strike and then you'll really know what slow means!
By IN SEINE at 10:59 07 Sep 2011
Please be patient, I'm EVOLVING!
By IN SEINE at 11:03 07 Sep 2011
Who called me baldy? I'm not bothered. I've got a thick skin so can take it. At least I don't get dandruff!
By Tommy Twinkle at 21:33 07 Sep 2011
Hare today. Gone tomorrow!
By I think I'm funny... at 17:57 08 Sep 2011
They told me to come out of my shell. Now I have a criminal record!
By I think I'm funny... at 17:59 08 Sep 2011
Go ahead motherfucker insult me, I couldn't care less as I'm thick skinned asshole!
By herrdoktorfox at 18:48 08 Sep 2011
"My job? Yea, I carry the messages between Cameron and Clegg!"
By Inchcock at 05:17 09 Sep 2011
"Oh that's better, just cleared out at the other end!"
By Inchcock at 08:46 09 Sep 2011
Oh No.... I think I've got diaorreah... nothing for months and then 3 times in one day!
By IN SEINE at 12:13 09 Sep 2011
By IN SEINE at 09:44 10 Sep 2011
I prefer it when I'm hibernating. I don't have to rush about all day!
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:37 10 Sep 2011
I wish that yellow spot on my cheek was a fast-forward button!
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:52 10 Sep 2011
...but sadly it's a SLOW MOTION button.
By IN SEINE at 14:15 11 Sep 2011
I wish it was a ...JENSON BUTTON button LoL!
By IN SEINE at 14:19 11 Sep 2011
I must have a dump I can feel the head of the tortoise...e by gum thats better......Christ, must lay off the lettuce though.
By herrdoktorfox in transit at 16:44 11 Sep 2011
God my bloody neck is stiff, this upskirt photographic contract is doing me in.
By herrdoktorfox in transit at 16:47 11 Sep 2011
What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?
By herrdoktorfox in transit at 16:57 11 Sep 2011
Listen up guys, what do you call and open tin on Tuna in a lesbians appartment? Potpourri
By herrdoktorfox in transit at 16:59 11 Sep 2011
I appeared in the title sequence of One Foot in The Grave they said I would be a star I was typed cast
By Barwood at 17:36 11 Sep 2011
The speed on the economic recovery is difficult to slow down to
By j.w. at 19:52 11 Sep 2011
Take a photo--it'll last longer.
By Lyndon at 02:59 13 Sep 2011
"I expect they'll make boots and gloves out of my body when I'm dead, still, I'm in no rush eh?"
By Inchcock at 08:37 13 Sep 2011
"I'd make an excellent MP, thick skinned, slow, and none communicative!"
By Inchcock at 08:40 13 Sep 2011
I've just qualified for the 2012 Olympics... The 400 metre TURTLES!!!
By IN SEINE at 11:47 13 Sep 2011
When God made the first tortoise out of clay, he dropped it and he had to piece together the face the best he could!!
By IN SEINE at 11:55 13 Sep 2011
My head won first prize at the Chelsea Flower Show... for CRAZY PAVING!!
By IN SEINE at 10:44 14 Sep 2011
I've got to the stage when I no longer know whether or not I've got a hard on.
By dick scratcher at 19:07 15 Sep 2011
God I feel horny I must mount something in a hurry, trouble is speed is not one of my better traits..
By dick scratcher at 19:10 15 Sep 2011
"The vet put me on water tablets, I ask you, it takes me over two hours to get to the loo,... the fool!"
By Inchcock at 22:01 15 Sep 2011
"Have you seen the new 'Seaweed Peanuts'?. I think they designed the shells on me!"
By Inchcock at 22:03 15 Sep 2011
I'm not bothered what you write in my bubble. Nothing could be more insulting than the last picture competition I was entered into. 'Still Life' indeed!
By Tommy Twinkle at 00:04 16 Sep 2011
I don't go out on the roads these days - not since they brought in those Gatso speed cameras.
By Tommy Twinkle at 00:39 16 Sep 2011
"Have you seen this site?, How to cook a turtle? And you wonder why I say I hate you all!"
By Inchcock at 12:09 17 Sep 2011
"After seeing the England Wales match, I wonder if Fabio Capello has considered using me as a winger?"
By Inchcock at 06:56 18 Sep 2011
I think I need glasses, that looks all blurry to me on my right. Do you think I'd look sexy with a tortoiseshell frame?
By Tommy Twinkle at 15:06 18 Sep 2011
"My favourite food? Lettuce leaf that until later!"
By Inchcock at 09:11 19 Sep 2011
For the last time, I do not look like Voldermort
By Marc A Cutler at 15:42 20 Sep 2011
I hated the running races at school. I was quite good at the 'ready', and okay at the 'get set', but... oh well, two out of three wasn't so bad I suppose.
By Tommy Twinkle at 17:25 20 Sep 2011
Introducing myself, I?m Tommy the Turtle, my wife?s name is Myrtle, I?m getting old so not pubertal, I eat food like lettuce and mirtle!
By Inchcock at 17:53 21 Sep 2011
By Inchcock at 06:34 23 Sep 2011
... I'm so sorry that was a VERY poor Elvis impression!
By IN SEINE at 10:42 23 Sep 2011
I might be conscripted to Libya - NATO is running low on SHELLS - that's what I do every day, but in my case I walk..SLOWLY!
By IN SEINE at 10:47 23 Sep 2011
I am an antichrist! I am an anarchist! Know what I want and I know how to get it!
By Ellis Ian Fields at 13:08 23 Sep 2011
Anyone seen my copy of The Dorking Review?
By Ellis Ian Fields at 13:10 23 Sep 2011
"I'm just leaving you some of my Turtle made soup, and it's not mock turtle either...."
By Inchcock at 17:39 24 Sep 2011
"Are you sure I'm not a penis?"
By armfeetandtoe at 15:37 25 Sep 2011
"So they said, why not become a nightclub comedian"
By armfeetandtoe at 16:55 25 Sep 2011
"Im always sticking my neck out for other people"
By armfeetandtoe at 16:56 25 Sep 2011
"Im the shell of the turtle I used to be"
By armfeetandtoe at 18:26 25 Sep 2011
I've been invited to go on 'I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here'. I'm not falling for that one. My mate did and he found himself on a plate!
By Tommy Twinkle at 21:58 26 Sep 2011
"I was a British Rail mascot for years"
By armfeetandtoe at 23:20 27 Sep 2011
Who cares? I'm a turtle.
By Rawful News at 05:40 28 Sep 2011
So I said to the tailor, are you sure shell suits are in at the moment. That was 100 years ago
By armfeetandtoe at 11:42 28 Sep 2011
David, put me back in your pants. Victoria doesn't like it it
By Bert Onassis at 12:18 28 Sep 2011
"I am not an Alien, I am not an Alien"
By armfeetandtoe at 17:48 28 Sep 2011
"They took the teeth out and it's been lettuce ever since"
By armfeetandtoe at 08:46 29 Sep 2011
"I move house all the time"
By armfeetandtoe at 08:47 29 Sep 2011
Then thay said they'd take me on a caravan holiday! Ha!
By Inchcock at 17:58 30 Sep 2011
"Are you still having the hallucinations?"
By Big Stu at 13:12 01 Oct 2011
Did I win the hundred metres hurdles?
By Big Stu at 13:14 01 Oct 2011
I spiked the hare's carrot juice with laxitives, he never stood a chance!
By Big Stu at 13:15 01 Oct 2011
"Well, having the shits can be a problem, the smell tends to follow me around!"
By armfeetandtoe at 13:27 01 Oct 2011
"Most of my family have become pie dishes. I want to be and ashtray"
By armfeetandtoe at 13:28 01 Oct 2011
"Have you got a tin opener mate?"
By armfeetandtoe at 13:30 01 Oct 2011
Of course Im an angry young tortoise, would'nt you be if your bolox were dragging along the ground all day!"
By armfeetandtoe at 13:31 01 Oct 2011
"Can I dance? I can do the Stomp and Shuffle, but not the Quick-step or Charleston.... Bolero to doing them!"
By Inchcock at 07:15 02 Oct 2011
We Turtles can live for over of 90 years... oh dear, I've depressed myself now!"
By Inchcock at 05:45 03 Oct 2011
Come on then you lot if you think you're so clever - where are my ears, eh?
By Tommy Twinkle at 11:24 03 Oct 2011
"Gas? Yes I prefer Shell petrol! Haha, and you thought I looked gloomy didn't you?"
By Inchcock at 16:13 03 Oct 2011
Bugger off, I'm thinking about sex!
By Big Stu at 19:01 03 Oct 2011
"I'm not rushing you Spoofer's for a caption, look how long Elvis and Nixon had to sit it out!, take your time"
By Inchcock at 20:37 04 Oct 2011
I've come to the party dressed as Michelle. Geddit?
By IainB at 12:53 06 Oct 2011
I'm like the Mona Lisa, my eye follows you around the room. Admittedly, it can take a while to catch you up...
By IainB at 12:54 06 Oct 2011
I think my owner wanted straight skipping ropes for her birthday, but instead of taut toys, she got me.
By IainB at 12:55 06 Oct 2011
I'm giving a slug a piggy back ride, he keeps telling me to slow down!
By IainB at 12:55 06 Oct 2011
Is Richard Wilson dead yet? He always had one foot in the grave.
By IainB at 12:57 06 Oct 2011
I'm a camouflaged tortoise, this is my Crazy Paving look.
By IainB at 12:58 06 Oct 2011
Do you know where I can buy one roller skate?
By IainB at 12:59 06 Oct 2011
I used to be ritually abused on Blue Peter until I made a run for it
By IainB at 13:00 06 Oct 2011
Tortoise farming? Well, I suppose everybody would get a leg, a bowl to eat soup out of, and you don't need fences to keep me in. Ideal really.
By IainB at 13:01 06 Oct 2011
Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
By IainB at 13:01 06 Oct 2011
I've just outpaced John Terry to score the winner for QPR.
By IainB at 13:02 06 Oct 2011
"I might not be very good on the 'stairs'.... but I'm good with the 'stares'"
By Inchcock at 19:16 06 Oct 2011
"Where do you find a tortoise with no legs? Right where you left him?yea funny!
By Inchcock at 19:30 06 Oct 2011
What are my eyes seeing? Am I shrinking, or is it just that things grow bigger when I get closer to them?
By Tommy Twinkle at 00:13 07 Oct 2011
"I need help, I'm lost, has anyone seen David Bellamy or David Attenborough, I can only find Nixon, Elvis, Solomon, & Llamas!"
By Inchcock at 06:58 07 Oct 2011
"Eye eye, what's up then?"
By Inchcock at 07:12 07 Oct 2011
"Did you know that Tortoises (Testudinidae) are a family of land-dwelling reptiles of the order of turtles? - Now sod off!
By Inchcock at 09:02 07 Oct 2011
I'm overtaking British economkiic growth
By j.w. at 14:29 07 Oct 2011
Amanda Knox can stroke my shell anytime she feels like it...cor!!
By dickscratcher at 16:06 07 Oct 2011
"The echos around the inside of this shell drive me fuckin mad!"
By armfeetandtoe at 12:03 08 Oct 2011
I've had a hard on weeks now.
By dickscratcher at 17:43 08 Oct 2011
Slow? Yeah, well I'm rock climbing.
By Tommy Twinkle at 23:13 08 Oct 2011
Have you noticed a lot of my relatives go out for a drive on Sundays?
By Tommy Twinkle at 12:39 09 Oct 2011
for fuck sake how much longer will this turd take to pass?
By ivor bigun at 17:42 09 Oct 2011
I fancy a slow leg over with Liz Hurley, mind you at my age it was never gonna be fast!!
By ivor bigun at 17:43 09 Oct 2011
You lot are can scratch your nether regions when required!!
By ivor bigun at 17:44 09 Oct 2011
"Bollocks to this!"
By Nora Bone at 19:12 09 Oct 2011
"Oi, get your fucking finger outta my arse sunshine!"
By dingdongdolally at 14:25 10 Oct 2011
"I've got the cheek alright!.. mind you I've never it!
By Inchcock at 19:27 10 Oct 2011
?Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out.?
By Inchcock at 19:34 10 Oct 2011
My fucking nuts have seized up!
By anusol at 20:10 11 Oct 2011
Life goes at 100mph. So slow down every now and then!
By QprTilliDie87 at 23:13 11 Oct 2011
Scaly face, eyebrows singed away, a neck with varicose veins, - see what happens when you smoke?
By Tommy Twinkle at 12:54 12 Oct 2011
"I'm so old, I can remember Ami Turtle on Coronation Street! No relative though"
By Inchcock at 19:07 13 Oct 2011
"Only my second appearance in the media since One Foot in the Grave... I don't believe it!"
By Inchcock at 06:36 14 Oct 2011
Thrown in a dustbin by a minister as i'm not interesting
By j.w. at 15:58 14 Oct 2011
"Okay, you can stop fucking about now and take the lid off"
By armfeetandtoe at 22:45 14 Oct 2011
"Mark put me in the competition, cause he knows we Tortoise's live for a hundred years.... so you can expect me to be here for while yet, no rush!"
By Inchcock at 19:25 16 Oct 2011
"Thank heavens I wasn't born a sloth, all that rushing around!"
By Inchcock at 18:37 17 Oct 2011
"I was caught neckin' with a female tortoise yesterday... neck-in? Get it? No neither did I, no wonder I look so glum!"
By Inchcock at 11:03 18 Oct 2011
"God it's lonely here lately!"
By Inchcock at 11:06 19 Oct 2011
Fuck this, when I signed up they told me it was for one week only, my balls are ready to drop of in this cold!
By wankstain at 19:28 19 Oct 2011
What you cannot see is my arse stuck up Jordans fanny, the blind cow though I was rampant!
By wankstain at 19:29 19 Oct 2011
"I started out at BP and ended up working for shell"
By armfeetandtoe at 23:38 19 Oct 2011
I'm gagging for a good shag.
By cumoften at 15:56 20 Oct 2011
What I'd give for a spliff.
By bonerbill at 11:43 22 Oct 2011
"Hang on I'm coming into view.. you photographers are so impatient!"
By Inchcock at 18:06 22 Oct 2011
"Yer I take drugs, I just don't seem able to get a high or rush from them!"
By Inchcock at 11:53 23 Oct 2011
Bloody LYNX effect has not done much for my standing
By Capatin erection at 19:16 23 Oct 2011
If I could move any slower I could be a candidate for congress!
By NWNewsmash at 00:30 24 Oct 2011
" My favourite music? Anything by the Tortoise band, 'Simple Way to Go Faster Than Light That Does Not Work' for example!"
By Inchcock at 07:34 24 Oct 2011
The doc says it's nothing serious, just me age, but that I'm going to have to slow down a bit..
By Tommy Twinkle at 10:50 24 Oct 2011
It's taken millions of years to evolve a crazy paving camouflage - just in time, I'd say
By IainB at 11:48 24 Oct 2011
Fuck it, my piles are crucifying me!
By ejaculationeddie at 16:24 24 Oct 2011
Think you've got problems? It rained last night and I found out I've got a leaky roof!
By Tommy Twinkle at 00:00 25 Oct 2011
"Please release me let me gooo!"
By norabone at 13:29 25 Oct 2011
You lot have it easy.......... Ever wondered what it would be like to have a head like a circumcised bell-end?
By pinxit at 09:18 26 Oct 2011
TYPICAL!!! I spent the last 2 weeks walking to the occupy London protest, only to find I'm the only one there at night - DAMN HUMANS
By IN SEINE at 14:39 26 Oct 2011
In Mexico, my Aunt was raped by Godzzilla - months later she had a 'TORTILLA' -Now that's what I call fast food!
By IN SEINE at 14:47 26 Oct 2011
I just cannot wait for payday then I'm gonna shell out for a new suit.
By cumonmytitssweetie at 15:06 26 Oct 2011
"All that cocaine an now me nose falls off"
By armfeetandtoe at 15:18 26 Oct 2011
These fucking suspenders are killing me!
By upyerarse at 16:10 26 Oct 2011
"Oi, you cunt next time you decide to fart don't do it in my fucking face!"
By upyerarse at 10:07 27 Oct 2011
"Slow! Fuckin Slow! How dod you think I got this flat nose! Runnin into doors at 3 miles an hour! Fuk off!"
By armfeetandtoe at 21:39 27 Oct 2011
"So when I lost the other one, my optician said he would keep an eye out for me!"
By armfeetandtoe at 21:41 27 Oct 2011
"Happiness, hapiness, I thank the Lord that I possess, more than my share..... oh sod-it!"
By Inchcock at 11:55 28 Oct 2011
"How long has this been going on....too fucking long cobber about time you changed the caption assholes!"
By cockcheese at 17:52 28 Oct 2011
Fucking Halloween, dress up as a tortoise they said,,,,fucking outfits strangling me bollocks!
By spermslurper at 15:56 29 Oct 2011
Oh gawd! Bleedin' fireworks season's 'ere again. Time to hibernate and get in me shell. Roll on spring!
By Tommy Twinkle at 20:25 29 Oct 2011
"Oi, take that fucking banger out of my arse!"
By Herrdoktorfox at 13:34 30 Oct 2011
If only I had made it to the X-Factor auditions in time I could have pissed it judging from the crap on this years show
By Herrdoktorfox at 17:10 30 Oct 2011
"Am I the only Gay Tortoise in the zoo?"
By armfeetandtoe at 13:43 31 Oct 2011
"If only I could scratch me arse"
By armfeetandtoe at 13:45 31 Oct 2011
"Dont ask, the face says it all"
By armfeetandtoe at 13:47 31 Oct 2011
"Is WW3 over yet?"
By ivonafuck at 15:56 31 Oct 2011
"On me 'ead son...!"
By Inchcock at 06:49 02 Nov 2011
"I was once imprisoned in a terrarium, but I made a bolt for it to freedom!"
By Inchcock at 06:58 02 Nov 2011
"I needs a high fibre, low protein diet, but my owners don't want to pay me for it - bit like your pensioners!"
By Inchcock at 07:02 02 Nov 2011
"They said I had to go into Hibernation, I told em I wasn't going to live in Scotland!"
By Inchcock at 07:07 02 Nov 2011
"John Major; The first requirement of politics is not intellect or stamina but patience. Politics is a long run game and the tortoise will beat the hare!
By Inchcock at 07:14 02 Nov 2011
"You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all I can do is to give them a meaningful look.
By Inchcock at 07:15 02 Nov 2011
"When I have to go to the loo, I follow the advice of Percy Vereance!"
By Inchcock at 07:18 02 Nov 2011
"Hard to believe, but on a good day I can get up to 100 millimetres per hour"
By Inchcock at 06:38 03 Nov 2011
"Who do I go out with? Who do you think... Michelle... hahaha... oh never mind!"
By Inchcock at 06:41 03 Nov 2011
"I've often wondered myself, just where does Turtle Wax come from? Makes me nervous just thinking about it!"
By Inchcock at 06:44 03 Nov 2011
I've been alive for over 247 years and I still don't get cheques for appearing on these web sites. Damn you all to hell!
By whatinthe world at 11:31 14 Nov 2011
Can somebody tell me how I can find a bloody good plastic surgeon. This visage is getting a wee bit pasty. Not to mention the wrinkles and general tiredness.
By whatinthe world at 11:35 14 Nov 2011
Bleedin' six weks on Jenny Craig, now look at me!!!
By whatinthe world at 14:30 18 Nov 2011
Oi, Attenborough! where's my bleedin' cheque, you git!
By whatinthe world at 14:31 18 Nov 2011
When I started this journey, I was in a luxurious Campervan. Now look what I'm stuck with.
By whatinthe world at 14:33 18 Nov 2011
The reason I look so bloody miserable is because I just got eliminated from Survivor South Pacific. I mean bloomin' heck!!
By whatinthe world at 13:01 23 Nov 2011
Any body wanna race me? I always win! Always!! Winner!! W.I.N.N.E.R!!!!!
By whatinthe world at 13:03 23 Nov 2011
The FTSE fell 5 points last night but do I look worried? Um, yeah.
By whatinthe world at 13:05 23 Nov 2011
My wife gave me something different for Xmas. A turtle neck sweater! For real!
By whatinthe world at 13:47 25 Nov 2011
I used to be a high flying stockbroker but now I'm a shell of my former self.
By whatinthe world at 13:52 25 Nov 2011
Oi, is Thatcher still PM?
By whatinthe world at 13:55 25 Nov 2011
What are you laughing at?!! Just because I got sacked from BBC2....
By whatinthe world at 12:57 02 Dec 2011
I'm being harassed by snakes, goannas, wild dogs, ferrel cats, and bloody mindless tourists. I don't believe them when they use the term "eco-tourism".
By whatinthe world at 13:02 02 Dec 2011
Did someone say turtle soup?
By JOJO at 03:04 10 Dec 2011
I should never drink Tequila and methylated spirits in one glass. Makes me feel decidedly reptilian. Hang on, I am reptilian.
By whatinthe world at 12:44 28 Dec 2011
Does this still accept entries?
By Chris James at 17:58 11 Feb 2012
Bugger me, it does, how bizzarre
By Chris James at 17:59 11 Feb 2012
The next person who likens me to a turd popping out of a bottom......
By HaveIGotNewsForYou at 18:59 26 Jul 2012
No, I am in no way related to Simon Amstell
By HaveIGotNewsForYou at 19:00 26 Jul 2012
Anybody know any good turtle jokes?
By whatinthe world at 10:41 28 Jan 2013
Whaddya lookin' at? If you shove that pamphlet on mah face, I'll make sure you get eaten by the shark on the nearby lake!
By Rocko the Zen Wallaby at 06:51 22 Mar 2013
Hello MTV Cribs. You wanna see the living room? Well, this is it. I'll be a getting a second floor after my role in TMNT 6: Splinter's Funeral.
By Butch32 at 00:42 29 Nov 2013
You'd be slow too, if you'd nailed as much hot turtle poontang as I have.
By Brett Taylor at 18:04 12 Aug 2014
Just give me a reason, Kanye!
By Al N. at 05:18 21 Oct 2014
Something is being very, very, very slowly pushed up my ass and it seems to me that it could very well be a huge, throbbing, 120 year old, a turtle dick
By Don Grapper at 14:13 19 Mar 2015
I heard him say, "On your mark, get ready, set.......", but I'm still waiting for him to say, "Go!"
By Dick Sheerer at 05:43 11 Jun 2015
What are you looking at coppers? You'll never take me alive!
By Al N. at 05:00 25 Dec 2016
So, you're telling me Trump won the election? Hey buddy, I may be slow but I'm not THAT slow.
By Al N. at 04:37 19 Jan 2017
You're calling me developmentally disabled? You know, I liked just plain "slow" much better.
By Al N. at 18:42 05 Mar 2017
"No matter how they toss the dice, it had to be--the only one for me is you, and you for me So happy together" OK, now can I be in The Turtles?"
By Al N. at 00:07 22 Mar 2017
Am I too late for the Rudy Vallee concert?
By Al N. at 22:46 26 Mar 2017
I'm writing my congressman about making Turtle Soup illegal.
By Al N. at 01:55 29 Mar 2017
Geez, I'm only 89 years old but it feels like 110!
By Al N. at 04:08 02 Apr 2017
What do you mean drunk? I only had about 8 thimbles!
By Al N. at 19:15 03 Apr 2017
Where's that damn hare? I know I'm going to beat him! I've got a secret plan.Ya! Here I come!! Oh, never mind.The hare woke up and passed me. I hate the hare!!!
By Al N. at 02:15 05 Apr 2017
What you looking at? You think you're better than me with that Winnebago? I've got a kitchen and pool room in here you know!
By Al N. at 17:59 09 Apr 2017
I think I'm caught in a time warp. Didn't I just that?
By Al N. at 01:38 11 Apr 2017
I think I'm caught in a time warp. Hey! Didn't I just say that?
By Al N. at 01:39 11 Apr 2017
Ya, I voted for Trump. Do I look like a genius?
By Al N. at 22:27 12 Apr 2017
Hey Trump! You dropped your toupee! Oh never mind, it's just some donkey shit.
By Al N. at 16:39 14 Apr 2017
Okay, I voted for Trump. I admit it. It was because I wanted someone I knew I was smarter than. EVERYBODY'S smarter than that dildo!
By Al N. at 02:53 07 May 2017
I don't mind having shitty health care, as long as those poor billionaires get some decent tax cuts!
By Al N. at 02:58 07 May 2017
I voted for Trump because he's such a dic, but he is really exceeding my expectations!
By Al N. at 03:13 07 May 2017
So you expect me to say something funny? I need to see some money first.
By Al N. at 16:39 08 May 2017
I'm telling you Trump voters, all this bullshit is on you!
By Al N. at 16:13 10 May 2017
OK, I may be just a tortoise but even I know that if you're a turtle, you don't vote for someone who wants to get rid of turtle soup.
By Al N. at 18:28 10 May 2017
Hey there's Bill Cosby! Hey Bill! Over here rapist! Wow, I guess he really is blind. Back in the day he would be stomping on me by now.
By Al N. at 16:08 12 May 2017
I'm cancelling cable. Once they dropped "Tortoise Time
By Al N. at 01:46 17 May 2017
I'm cancelling cable. Once they dropped "Tortoise Time" I knew it was time.
By Al N. at 01:48 17 May 2017
So Trump is taking a trip to Saudia Arabia, Israel, Rome and Belgium. Is he on the run?
By Al N. at 05:51 19 May 2017
Regarding Trumps Foreign visits, Buckle your seatbelts because it's going to be a bumpy ride!
By Al N. at 05:54 19 May 2017
I've got 203 days in the "How Long Until Trump is Impeached" pool. That should be pretty close! I think I've got a good chance!
By Al N. at 02:29 20 May 2017
I DO NOT look like the Atty. General-he looks like me!
By Al N. at 23:02 30 May 2017
I do NOT look like Jefferson Sessions!! NOT! NOT! NOT!
By Al N. at 22:08 02 Jun 2017
Do I look ok? I always feel good when I clean house.
By Al N. at 00:38 04 Jun 2017
No one was scared of making fun of Obama and Hillary. Why are they so afraid of Trump?
By Al N. at 06:05 06 Jun 2017
I don't have to go to court today! I AM NOT Jeff Sessions!
By Al N. at 14:24 12 Jun 2017
Trump doesn't scare me. Oh no! Is that a lump of orange I see?
By Al N. at 23:05 24 Jun 2017
People can't decide if I resemble Mitch McConnell or Jeff Sessions. I think both are handsome.
By Al N. at 00:35 28 Jul 2017
Trump is the stupidest human I've ever seen, and that's saying something since I'm over 300 years old.
By Al N. at 18:40 08 Aug 2017
Yo. Who's got some Janet Jackson?
By Ryan Eggensperger at 16:44 28 Oct 2017
I'm telling you, Girls just wanna have fun!
By Al N. at 03:50 30 Oct 2017
What do you mean I'm being banned from Twitter? All I tweeted was I wonder why Twitter let Trump keep disrespecting their company.
By Al N. at 03:16 02 Nov 2017
In all my 300 years I don't think I've ever seen a fuck-up like the current U.S. Administration. Am I going to wake up and it's all a nightmare? I hope so!!
By Al N. at 16:37 03 Nov 2017
I'm busy writing a book about my first 250 years including my opinion on why Trump sucks but he WAS better than alcoholic Franklin Pierce.
By Al N. at 00:28 09 Nov 2017
I wanted to be Kid Rock's running mate, but it's impossible for someone of my species to run.
By Al N. at 04:53 18 Nov 2017
I do ok for someone that's over 300 years old. I still have all my own teeth, don't wear glasses, and still go out on Sat. nites for a quick rum. Got a problem?
By Al N. at 04:37 20 Nov 2017
Don't look at me like that. I didn't vote for him!
By Al N. at 23:21 06 Dec 2017
You know I don't eat anything but crickets! But how come anytime I mention it, it's crickets?
By Al N. at 03:37 09 Dec 2017
Please, someone like one of these other sayings of mine so we can move on from the Quadaffi under the rock one. It's only been 5 years since he died. Hit like!
By Al N. at 05:26 09 Dec 2017
Bah Humbug....I was promised death by the Spirit of Christmas yet to come, and look what he did to me. The git.
By Ben Macnair at 16:51 06 Jan 2018
I don't know why Trump won't return my calls. He likes famous people and I'm related to Yertle the Turtle,,Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and the Mock Turtle!
By Al N. at 00:52 10 Jan 2018
I'm getting tired of doing this Jeff Sessions imitation. Ok if I switch to Eric Trump?
By Al N. at 01:57 23 Jan 2018
If I really was the attorney general, and I'm not saying that I'm not, I wouldn't fuck with the marijuana people. I would take bribes..
By Al N. at 03:00 31 Jan 2018
Whoever keeps liking that Quadaffi joke about lifting this rock, knock it off. Enough already. We need a new opening comment. It's been 10 years since he died!
By Al N. at 05:29 03 Feb 2018
When I was just 110 I got cancer but was at Hiroshima for the A-Bomb and it was super-chemo and cured me.That's why my skin never cleared up so stop staring!
By Al N. at 22:06 15 Feb 2018
Rats! If Trump dumps Jeff Sessions as Attorney General, I'll never be able to get chicks who think I'm him. The resemblance IS uncanny!
By Al N. at 23:22 16 Feb 2018
Ok, I admit that I really AM Attorney General Jeff Sessions. I'm recusing myself from any more discussion and going in my shell now.
By Al N. at 04:50 02 Mar 2018
Why am I so pissed? They STILL have not manufactured a gun that I can pull the trigger on! Where's the NRA now?
By Al N. at 03:30 09 Mar 2018
I wish I could get my nose up a little higher. Above turd level would be nice.
By Aspartame Boy at 02:35 06 Apr 2018
I'm going to go spend my tax savings. I should be back in about 15 minutes.
By Al N. at 07:11 09 Jun 2018
Those politicians that say I have to have a license plate can go %$@& themselves!
By Al N. at 02:36 17 Jun 2018
So I'm tired of just smoking grass, right? So now I VAPE! It's AWESOME!!
By Al N. at 22:05 25 Jun 2018
I have a new philosophy. I think "What would Trump do" and then do the opposite.and then I know I'm probably doing the right thing.
By Al N. at 00:54 07 Jul 2018
I can't keep up with what I'm supposed to be supporting. And I'm a Democrat. How do the Republicans do it?
By Al N. at 20:52 25 Jul 2018
My fortune-teller warned me years ago that if I lived too long I would have to live through the Trump Presidency. I said, "Bring it On!" Boy, was I wrong!
By Al N. at 03:43 05 Aug 2018
Everybody's saying I used poison carrots to help win that race against the tortoise. I say, "Sour grapes suckers!!"
By Al N. at 02:39 13 Aug 2018
What do you mean I need an address on my Voter I.D. card?!!
By Al N. at 04:10 28 Oct 2018
I had a nightmare that they would run campaign all the time EXCEPT election time. Never again would be better.
By Al N. at 01:46 06 Nov 2018
Ok, the Democrats won the House! That means we impeach, right?
By Al N. at 00:28 10 Nov 2018
My new job at the White House didn't work out. Melania had me fired on the first day because I laughed at her outfit.
By Al N. at 01:36 19 Nov 2018
I forget, is it Jeff Sessions I look like? No! It's Mitch McConnell! Whew, I thought for a second there I was out of a job!
By Al N. at 05:03 20 Nov 2018
Gee, Trump seems a little agitated lately. Karma's a bitch!
By Al N. at 01:10 22 Nov 2018
This is the dangerous time when Republicans have their last month of power. What will they do??
By Al N. at 02:17 07 Dec 2018
I'm not Mitch McConnell although we go to the same tailor.
By Al N. at 06:18 03 Jan 2019

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