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Wise as Solomon?

 
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By author at 00:00 1 Jan 2000
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King Solomon Royal Advisor Heckler
What is this curious and marvellous device?
Yeah, right thicko - and I'm the Queen of Sheba...
'Tis an iPad, your Majesty.
By pinxit at 11:02 09 Mar 2011
Can we balance the budget on this?
Oy!
Not on your mummy's life.
By Gail Farrelly at 11:22 09 Mar 2011
What happened to the two cows? And I'm not talking to you 'heckler'.
In marinade as we speak your Highness. Teriyaki as you requested..
Hey I didn't paint this picture!
By Lady Godiva at 11:53 09 Mar 2011
What are you looking at you peasant? Pay attention.
Sire, pay him no heed. He was your accountant until you got this calculator.
The painting on the ceiling sire.
By Lady Godiva at 12:08 09 Mar 2011
And this is the iPad app for deciding who the child goes to
You need to enter the women's ages, sire
You should have got an iPhone!
By IainB at 12:17 09 Mar 2011
You still have your 50-50 lifeline left
I don't need it, the answer is A: Ronald Regan
*COUGH* *COUGH*
By IainB at 12:19 09 Mar 2011
This Remington Shaver will rid the kingdom of beards forever
I keep my lice in mine
I like my beard!
By IainB at 12:20 09 Mar 2011
Don't worry, I have plans for their striker
4-4-2 will never work against this lot
You're going down with the City....
By birbee at 12:23 09 Mar 2011
Next Sunday, I'll be awarding this to the owner of the smartest beard
Is anyone else feeling a bit 'pixelated'?
I've got no chance!
By Monkey Woods at 13:39 09 Mar 2011
Is this the best picture of me Squire Lowton could find?
Who the fuck put this thing on my head?
They didn't have photos in our day.
By Monkey Woods at 13:42 09 Mar 2011
Gather round. I have something to show you.
He said "show you", not "tell you", you half-wit.
What is it, Sire?
By Monkey Woods at 13:46 09 Mar 2011
Anyone know what this strange contraption is?
Semen?
It's on the tip of my tongue...
By Monkey Woods at 13:51 09 Mar 2011
OK, if you're all ready, let's get started!
Eyes down for your first number.
I'm ready!
By Monkey Woods at 13:53 09 Mar 2011
A pin ball machine you say?
Bollocks! It's just a big Space Invader.
That's what the salesman called it.
By Fergus McCarthy at 15:36 09 Mar 2011
Has anyone seen Duncan Whitehead?
If he was, would he have asked? DOH!
I thought YOU were Duncan Whitehead
By Monkey Woods at 16:32 09 Mar 2011
See this clever bastard behind me laughing?
Keep your voice down! He can hear you, your Majesty.
Yeah?
By Monkey Woods at 16:34 09 Mar 2011
The fucking 'Nudge' button isn't working. Go and get the bloke.
That box where you get the change.
Where is he?
By Monkey Woods at 16:35 09 Mar 2011
What should I do here, Heckler?
Don't be bleedin' stupid! It's only 20p
Hold the cherries!
By Monkey Woods at 16:38 09 Mar 2011
And you say this goes where on my chariot?
This way you won't get lost when out and about in your kingdom.
The dashboard sire.
By Charpa93 at 17:23 09 Mar 2011
Anyone have a quarter?
No, not Heartbreak Hotel again.
What say we hear some Lady Gaga?
By Charpa93 at 17:25 09 Mar 2011
Ok, now, listen up, this is the diagram of the inside of BankAmerica.
This time try to take more than what's in the registers.
Who's driving the getaway chariot?
By Charpa93 at 17:27 09 Mar 2011
We are rearranging the Senate seating. Any suggestions?
A wall down the middle perhaps?
Anyone see my whoopie cushion?
By Charpa93 at 17:30 09 Mar 2011
Read line 3 for me.
He's definitely going to need glasses, your highness.
I hate these annual exams.
By Charpa93 at 17:33 09 Mar 2011
Why, I oughta.....
Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck
Nyeah, wise guy eh?
By Charpa93 at 17:36 09 Mar 2011
Where did you find this? Looks more like a tablet than a scroll.
Probably a fake. Who writes messages from God on stone?
Over by the banks of the Dead Sea.
By Charpa93 at 17:38 09 Mar 2011
Can you break a shekel?
Wait, I think I have a half shekel around here someplace.
Sire, you owe me 75 cents change.
By Charpa93 at 17:42 09 Mar 2011
Look - I have invented the etch a sketch
Yes. But we're still working on the 3D
Can you get Super-Mario on it?
By Skoob1999 at 17:59 09 Mar 2011
Useless bloody SatNav! According to this I'm somewhere in fucking China!
Not that clever are ya Solly? It says we're in Chinatown. Who's for a Dim Sum?
Mayhap the wi-fi connection is out?
By pinxit at 18:20 09 Mar 2011
It's an electric sock press
Aye - I've heard it's all about goldfish stories these days.
Socks are so last month
By Skoob1999 at 18:28 09 Mar 2011
Half time. 10-Nil down. Any ideas, lads?
I'm too old for this shit...
Put on the black lad with the spear
By St Patrick at 18:48 09 Mar 2011
So, it's a basic 4-4-2, with me on the wing, and you're playing holding midfield
Just be careful, Jeroboam is playing upfront for them, and you can't trust him..
But, I'm a winger by trade!
By Nick Hobbs at 18:50 09 Mar 2011
So what is this?
Its called a Toaster
It'll never catch on.
By Katarina Frogpond2 at 18:52 09 Mar 2011
Where do I put the batteries?
He'll shove it up your arse if you're not quiet!
Up your arse!
By St Patrick at 18:57 09 Mar 2011
OK, one last time...CTRL ALT DELETE then select 'Task Manager'...
Piss off! Do you ever bloody listen?
You what?
By St Patrick at 19:01 09 Mar 2011
Telecom are bollocks and Vodaphone are crap
Sir, you should try pigeons?
They crap too!
By Jaggedone at 19:20 09 Mar 2011
Will everyone see Sheba naked?
Sire, it's a chariot scanner!
Summon Sheba for a demonstration.
By Philbert of Macadamia at 19:45 09 Mar 2011
the voice of the turtle is heard in our land
he means turtle doves you plonker
but turtles can't sing
By Erskin Quint at 20:35 09 Mar 2011
For, lo, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone;
it's poetry you dumb bastard
it's bloody freezing
By Erskin Quint at 20:37 09 Mar 2011
My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love
Oi! Watch it, remember what happened to Adonijah
oo ducky!
By Erskin Quint at 20:38 09 Mar 2011
he looketh forth at the windows, shewing himself through the lattice.
You're barred, sunshine
you could get arrested for that pal
By Erskin Quint at 20:40 09 Mar 2011
Come on, how do you reset this bloody thing?
Fuck's sake, the building'll be empty at this rate
You're the bloody fire warden
By Erskin Quint at 20:42 09 Mar 2011
Where's your hat chummy?
Help! There's a blue fireman breathing down my neck
Nobody told me it was a formal do
By Erskin Quint at 20:44 09 Mar 2011
I thought you had the bloody manual
You lyin' get
Shadrach said he had it
By Erskin Quint at 20:46 09 Mar 2011
Ring the fuckin help desk, I can't remember me password
I'll get the magic lantern, shall I?
I can't get a signal
By Erskin Quint at 20:48 09 Mar 2011
Fuck's sake, how do you connect to a three-way conference?
Try going back to the main menu
Try the red button
By Erskin Quint at 20:50 09 Mar 2011
This way we can speak direct to the Hittites without having to travel over there
Button it Atkinson
Can it get Radio Luxembourg?
By Erskin Quint at 20:57 09 Mar 2011
Due to an unavoidable overspend on this year's budget...
Shut it, Robinson
How much did that robe cost then?
By Erskin Quint at 21:00 09 Mar 2011
Abiathar, I banish thee to Anathoth
It's good enough for you, son
But that's a shithole, man
By Erskin Quint at 21:03 09 Mar 2011
So what I said was, "cut the baby in half......."
Let him finish Atkinson you fool
Oh that poor little mite
By Erskin Quint at 21:05 09 Mar 2011
To these wives I shall allocate......
Shut yer gob man and listen yer daft get
700 wives? You dirty bugger
By Erskin Quint at 21:08 09 Mar 2011
Thus I lay claim to the entire lands West of the mighty Euphrates.......
Shut up man like. Yer embarrasin yersell.
What aboot the fishin rights like?
By Erskin Quint at 21:10 09 Mar 2011
This one's about the folly of pride and...
Be quiet Atkinson, you might learn somthing
Oh man, not another proverb
By Erskin Quint at 21:14 09 Mar 2011
Will you bloody well shut up when I am trying to learn how to use this?
Don't believe him...he's always telling porkies to get attention. Stupid sod!
BUT SIRE, THE PALACE IS ON FIRE!
By Lady Godiva at 21:17 09 Mar 2011
This, my 1005th song, is called...
Watch it, Atkinson, yer on thin ice man
Howay man, d'ye know any jokes?
By Erskin Quint at 21:18 09 Mar 2011
What the hell is the problem now? Your are such a bloody nuisance.
You should be bloody thankfull you are even ON the crikball team at all.
I don't want to be goalie again.
By Lady Godiva at 21:22 09 Mar 2011
The Amorites will be at home to the Jebusites
That's the cup for you
Oh man! We were away last round!
By Erskin Quint at 21:22 09 Mar 2011
It is Hadad, of the royal family of Edom, who would confront me
You tryin' ter be funny, Johnson?
I bet he's a big cheese, eh?
By Erskin Quint at 21:24 09 Mar 2011
Come on then 'clever clogs'. YOU explain how this bloody Wii thing works.
You're always 'just saying....' but you never say anything that makes any sense.
I was just saying...........
By Lady Godiva at 21:25 09 Mar 2011
I thought you said this thing could do logarithms?
Logarithms my arse, we've been done
You're not working it right
By Erskin Quint at 21:26 09 Mar 2011
All I can get is the bloody test card
Howay, lads, daytime TV hasn't been invented yet, man.
Try ITV
By Erskin Quint at 21:27 09 Mar 2011
How are the workers doing down my mines today? No major cave-ins I hope?
That's a bloody relief. We're just looking at the designs for the new tunnels.
No! Just two miners crushed today.
By Lady Godiva at 21:29 09 Mar 2011
Well, you can play tennis on it, and all sorts...
Bring back the dancin' girls
That's just daft, man
By Erskin Quint at 21:30 09 Mar 2011
Well, what about the Party Menu then? It's nobbut �14.50 each.
Come on man, make a bloody effort, it's a Mexican Restaurant
Do they do egg and chips?
By Erskin Quint at 21:33 09 Mar 2011
Look, you'll have to eat something, or they'll be offended
Try a bit of monkey, it's just like chicken, man
I'll just have a bit toast, man
By Erskin Quint at 21:38 09 Mar 2011
So they're going to use my face for the King of Hearts
I suppose you want to be the Joker you prat
more like the Queen of Tarts
By Erskin Quint at 21:47 09 Mar 2011
So we thought Aubergine for the curtains. What do you reckon to pelmets?
You're an uncouth bastard at times, Atkinson
It'll be like a tart's boudoir man
By Erskin Quint at 21:50 09 Mar 2011
I am the rose of Sharon, and the lily of the valleys.
If you can't say anything constructive, Atkinson, keep your mouth shut
I could tell by the way you walk
By Erskin Quint at 22:00 09 Mar 2011
The beams of our house are cedar, and our rafters of fir.
Be quite man for fuck's sake like
No wonder it rains in like
By Erskin Quint at 22:01 09 Mar 2011
My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.
You're nowt but an ignoramus, Atkinson.
Ooh, get her!
By Erskin Quint at 22:02 09 Mar 2011
I want you to play in the hole, Atkinson
Do you want to be in the team or what?
I bet you say that to all the boys
By Erskin Quint at 22:04 09 Mar 2011
The diamond isn't working lads, I want you to revert to 4 4 2
Grow up Atkinson you big jessy
That full back called me a bad name
By Erskin Quint at 22:07 09 Mar 2011
Yon Fireman there, wi' t'blue helmet, what's he doin' in here?
Course it's not, man, a nachronism's like the AA or NATO and that
It's an anachronism
By Erskin Quint at 22:18 09 Mar 2011
There's a guy with a blue helmet in here
You're not funny, Atkinson
I'm not surprised, it's freezin'
By Erskin Quint at 22:20 09 Mar 2011
Who's for shove ha'penny then?
Well, have you got a better idea?
I couldn't stand the excitement
By Erskin Quint at 22:26 09 Mar 2011
Thy plants are an orchard of pomegranates, with pleasant fruits; camphire, with
Forget the leeks for once man, yer big soft get, this is the Bible man
What aboot me leeks man?
By Erskin Quint at 22:28 09 Mar 2011
There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines,and virgins without number
Howay lads,ye divent want nowt ter do wi' them durty baggages
That'll do for me man!
By Erskin Quint at 22:40 09 Mar 2011
Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine flourish
For crying out loud Atkinson, this is The Song of Solomon man
I'm a beer man meself
By Erskin Quint at 23:16 09 Mar 2011
Stephen Fry's following me on Twitter
Always the big joker eh, Atkinson?
I wouldn't want him following me
By Erskin Quint at 23:24 09 Mar 2011
I think we now have a quorum
You buffoon Atkinson
Get some ointment on that like man
By Erskin Quint at 23:35 09 Mar 2011
This new device will replace women in our society
Not yet. But at least it doesn't nag.
Yeah - but can it cook and clean?
By Skoob1999 at 23:35 09 Mar 2011
So I was just browsing like and then it crashed on me?
have you tried ctrl, alt, del? Bloody ipads!!
did you do the warranty card?
By the edgy gerbil at 02:50 10 Mar 2011
Did you feed the royal goldfish as I asked?
Oo! That's what happens to your brain when you don't wear a hat. I warned you!
Yup! I fed 'em to the cats.
By Lady Godiva at 12:15 10 Mar 2011
Where did the bloody ball go? This game is no good without a bloody ball.
Well you've not got a very good 'track record' have you - you thieving git!
What're you looking at ME for?
By Lady Godiva at 12:17 10 Mar 2011
Arrest the scoundrel.This flying throne he sold me last week doesn't work.
It is called the battery oh great one.
He claims to hold remedy in hands.
By Tommy Twinkle at 12:50 10 Mar 2011
He be a conman.The last TV he sold me does not work.
The first one doesn't show repeats.This one does.l
He says this one is different.
By Tommy Twinkle at 12:54 10 Mar 2011
Let me introduce Grinning Fool Holding Daft Sketch.
Just wait until you see his cock!
That's a mouthful
By Monkey Woods at 16:40 10 Mar 2011
It cleans, washes, dries, irons, hoovers-up, makes the tea ...
Yeah, men's jobs.
Is there anything it doesn't do?
By Monkey Woods at 16:50 10 Mar 2011
D'you think I look like Alan Sugar when I point my finger like this?
Well... no matter how much you pay me I'm not going to be fucking Karren Brady!
You sure do boss.
By pinxit at 17:18 10 Mar 2011
I'm not fooled by your disguise Mr. Bond. I just press this button to launch-
I wouldn't press that one boss - it'll flush you down the bog bowl...
- your escape pod, Goldfishfinger?
By pinxit at 17:40 10 Mar 2011
He smells of smelly socks
No,it's not the cheese.The king is correct
It's not him.It's that cheese.
By Tommy Twinkle at 18:25 10 Mar 2011
This is the chocolate centerpiece for the Easter Feast. Don't be nibbling at it.
You'll be receiving a few licks - of the whip - if you so much as go near it.
Can we at least take a few licks?
By Lady Godiva at 19:20 10 Mar 2011
Now, this is a model of a concentric castle. Study it well for I want one built
Stop nit-picking, we didn't have enough lego left for the fourth outside wall.
But sire, there is a wall mising.
By Lady Godiva at 19:24 10 Mar 2011
I've just cracked this diagram of Lowton's spoof-pointing system!
You Would, Wouldn't you, Woods!!
I thought it was the Davinci code?
By IN SEINE at 22:48 10 Mar 2011
Sod this 'We want democracy' shit! I'm the bastard Middle-East Daddy round here!
Oh gawd. That's all we need. Next thing you know those SAS twats will drop in...
FREEDOM FROM DESPOT TYRANNY!!
By pinxit at 22:57 10 Mar 2011
Believe it or not brothers, this is ceramic...
Probably, but not narwhals - it isn't big enough.
Can you keep goldfish in it?
By Reddon at 23:52 10 Mar 2011
Look, just clear off will you! Let me watch the football in peace.
Sod off you scouse git.
How's Liverpool getting on?
By Reddon at 23:58 10 Mar 2011
This mandolin slices vegetables to perfection. Ideal for salads...
Crinkle cut chips? I like crinkle cut chips me! Yum yum!
Does it cut chips?
By Reddon at 00:03 11 Mar 2011
So, the miners are trapped down on this level, you say?
That'll cost a fortune! Fuck the miners. Bolshie gobshites, the lot of 'em.
And we can send down a rescue drill
By pinxit at 09:54 11 Mar 2011
He says it's something called a darts scoring machine.
I'm clearly wasting my time with you lot.
For the amount of beers had?
By Tommy Twinkle at 11:21 11 Mar 2011
He says it prints perfect hundred dollar American bank notes.
It comes with a free pen!
That's why he's trying to flog it.
By Tommy Twinkle at 12:18 11 Mar 2011
It's a gift to our people from a King Obama .What shall I give in return?l
Don't you have any goldfish? Or socks?
A spear? Or a birth certificate?
By Tommy Twinkle at 14:49 11 Mar 2011
Did you manage to book Susan Boyle to entertain us at the Royal Feast?
Thank God! We'd don't want to be throwing up throughout the meal.
Yes sire but she refuses to strip.
By Lady Godiva at 15:06 11 Mar 2011
Stick my seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines in there,I'm knackered
Of course it does... We can't be having the King's raw, swollen cock on show...
Ur Advisors bubble covers ur cock!
By Chris James at 23:52 11 Mar 2011
Waste of time building that. Them Muslims will only end up building on top of it
You are indeed very wise sire and well spotted Saul. Stick that spear up his ass
There is 1 behind you smiling, see!
By Chris James at 00:19 12 Mar 2011
When it is finished we will stick The Ark Of The Covenent in there, it scares me
Nostradamus, You've been having visions of made up Hollywood shite again I see.
I thought that'd be found at Tanis!
By Chris James at 00:41 12 Mar 2011
I am totally sick of your crap. You are to be exciled tomorrow. First thing.
Please do coz we are effing sick of cleaning our shoes every day, you dirty git.
Oh no! I'll clean up my crap then.
By Lady Godiva at 02:50 12 Mar 2011
Why the hell are we in this Caption Competition? Can anyone tell me?
Not just that but Spoofers seem to be enjoying us more than they liked the cows.
Well, they got sick of the cows.
By Lady Godiva at 02:52 12 Mar 2011
Did you remember that the clocks have to go 'forward' an hour on Sunday morning?
Idiot! How the hell can 'cocks' be put forward? Well, except for the obvious.
Oops! I thought you said 'cocks'.
By Lady Godiva at 02:56 12 Mar 2011
It's another spoof by Chris James... Shall we edit it while it's still news?
That's not very nice... Saying that, he's not very nice. Sod him sire bin it..
No way. Hopefully he will leave
By Chris James at 03:55 12 Mar 2011
You do know that Solomon's Seal is my ring - my magic ring - don't you Obadiah?
No Obadiah stay.His Majesty is wearing pink today and it's your turn to bum him
Errr no I didn't, I think I will go
By Chris James at 05:13 12 Mar 2011
Who said I smell,I want to try my new extermatron
No your majesty, please....
It was the guy in the green coat
By IainB at 13:05 12 Mar 2011
Show me again where the lions will enter the arena?
Forget lions, Sigfried and Roy told us it's a tigers-only show on Friday.
Down there, that side entrance.
By Charpa93 at 16:15 12 Mar 2011
Did you manage to get me today's copy of The Spoof?
Well, I don't blame 'em. They're a grand bunch o' writers and get paid piss all
No sire! The writers are on strike
By Lady Godiva at 16:57 12 Mar 2011
This is supposed to be HIGH DEF.
Very funny indeed...high deaf...high def...you stupid git.
Eh? What d'you say?
By Lady Godiva at 16:59 12 Mar 2011
So, the fuzzyfelt gets attached to the board...like so.
Don't know. Its just fuzzyfelt. Its not supposed to win wars.
How's it going to win us the war?
By Katarina Frogpond2 at 19:25 12 Mar 2011
It's a gift to our people from a King Cameron
People can't afford much in Britain these days pal!
It's an old yellow pages directory
By Tommy Twinkle at 19:53 12 Mar 2011
It's a gift to our people from a cameraman
No,from a David Cameron
A cameraman?
By Tommy Twinkle at 20:10 12 Mar 2011
It's a book containing every caption submitted to The Spoof's competitions
You'll feel how heavy it is over your head mate if you carry on like that!
Are any of them funny?
By Tommy Twinkle at 21:45 12 Mar 2011
It is a book of sweet bedtime stories.You are to read me some tonight
One feels he makes valid point your majesty
Get stuffed!
By Tommy Twinkle at 22:16 12 Mar 2011
What do you mean when you say "Mark got the caption order mixed up?"
I mean it doesn't make sense when you enter your caption's n u will look a cock
Why am I at the bottom you arse?
By Chris James at 23:41 12 Mar 2011
2. No I didn't!
3. Bloody touch screen phones!
1. You rang sire?
By I think I'm funny... at 12:52 13 Mar 2011
Who was that at the castle door oh 'hatless one'?
Next time they knock, invite them in and we can burst their bleeding bubble.
The Jehova's Witnesses sire.
By Lady Godiva at 13:46 13 Mar 2011
What kind of pizzas did you order? Hawain I hope, though I can't spell it.
What they hell we all cover 'em with hot sauce so all taste the same in the end.
No pineapples so we get starfruit.
By Lady Godiva at 13:51 13 Mar 2011
Where is the Queen oh witless one? She's to help me choose the new castle door.
I told you that seafood curry last night tasted a bit 'off' your highness.
She is still on the royal throne!
By Lady Godiva at 19:22 13 Mar 2011
Has this week's issue of The Spoof arrived yet? I'm getting withdrawal symptoms
You can't blame them. That Mark fella should really start paying them.
It'll be late.Writers are on strike
By Lady Godiva at 19:25 13 Mar 2011
Bring that Katrina Frogpond to me. I hear she is in need of a talking too.
True! She did give everyone a good laugh though. Nice enough lass Katrina is.
It's been sorted sire.
By Lady Godiva at 19:27 13 Mar 2011
I'm issuing a decree that ALL Spoof Writers with colds NOT sneeze over monitors.
Coz you idiot! We're getting all their grungy germs and will end up with the flu
Why is that a problem sire?
By Lady Godiva at 19:30 13 Mar 2011
When I sent you for a tablet from the pharmacy,I meant one to take for my cold.
We know the King has a big gob..but it's not that bleeding big you idiot.
I thought it was one to WRITE on.
By Lady Godiva at 19:33 13 Mar 2011
I said that I wanted a picture of a telly, you idiot!
But, Your Highness, this is the new digital age telly
Ha Ha, just a pic of tits & bums.
By Stella Kordun at 12:33 14 Mar 2011
My Grandson can paint to a more advanced level than this!
But Your Highness, it's an etch-a-sketch. They are more difficult to draw on.
8 months that's all the Grandson is
By Stella Kordun at 12:40 14 Mar 2011
Is this my Mighty Seal?
Yes Your Great Highness
I wondered.. that strange smell
By Stella Kordun at 12:48 14 Mar 2011
This is NOTHING LIKE the Dairy Queen cake I ordered. What the hell's up with you
I told you not to send him. I'm your Royal Advisor and you NEVER listen to me.
They must have got the orders mixed
By Lady Godiva at 15:11 14 Mar 2011
It's nice to be in the company of blokes for a while
Yes sire - 300 wives must give you a headache?
don't forget the 300 mother-in-laws
By IN SEINE at 22:45 14 Mar 2011
There is a piece of this jigsaw puzzle missing and that really pisses me off.
Find the cat and remove the bloody puzzle piece. How difficult can that be?
Sorry sire! The cat ate it!
By Lady Godiva at 20:01 15 Mar 2011
Is this a bloody joke? Why do my spaghetti and meatballs look like a Picasso?
Your Highness, Picasso hasn't been born yet..he hasn't a clue who you mean.
What's a pickasow sire.
By Lady Godiva at 11:53 16 Mar 2011
This actually doesn't look too bad for a design for the Royal Garden. Nice one!
Thieving git! HE didn't design it..it's a copy of Susan Boyle's new garden sire.
Oh thank you your highness.
By Lady Godiva at 22:02 16 Mar 2011
Tell me, you idiot, how is one expected to reach the MIDDLE of this maze?
Sire, I did ADVISE you NOT to let HIM design the maze.Why don't you ever listen?
Hm! The walls are low. You can jump
By Lady Godiva at 22:06 16 Mar 2011
Oh my Lord. This means we have just won the bloody 2 million on the lottery.
Sire, by that he means he forgot to put the effing numbers on this week.
Oopsies! Big boo boo.
By Lady Godiva at 05:45 17 Mar 2011
Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!
He wants - well - if God really DOES exist then GOD will know.
Which miracle do you want Sire?
By Lady Godiva at 05:56 17 Mar 2011
Did you just feel the castle shake? Should we be worried at all?
Sire. I AM the Royal Advisor and you keep asking that arsehole the questions.
Erm! Not sure! I'm just the Heckler
By Lady Godiva at 13:10 17 Mar 2011
Ask the Royal Advisor why he is sulking. I can't coz I'm facing the wrong way.,
Don't bloody bother. I can still HEAR him the miserable old git. Pox on him.
OK your Royal 'thingy'.
By Lady Godiva at 13:13 17 Mar 2011
You call this a.........what did you call it? My memory isn't what it was.
I AM THE ROYAL ADVISOR...DID YOU FORGET THAT TOO YOUR ROYAL ALZHEIMER SUFFERER?
I didn't call it anything sire.
By Lady Godiva at 13:23 17 Mar 2011
A funny thing happened to me on my way to the Great Hall this morning.....
Bloody hell! There's one in EVERY crowd.
Off! Off! Off! Off!
By Lady Godiva at 13:32 17 Mar 2011
How come only Lady G. seems to be visiting us lately. Are we THAT boring?
No. SHE wouldn't even be here but most Canadian schools are on March Break.
Eh? (Yorkshire accent).
By Lady Godiva at 17:08 17 Mar 2011
Oh hell! Spoof writers...come and save me from the wrath of Lady Godiva.
Coz she's already drinking and it's only five past one p.m. in Canada dozy sod!
Why would you say that?
By Lady Godiva at 17:10 17 Mar 2011
Call Mark Lowton ASAP. Lady G. is getting to the end of her tether.
She is getting bored being here alone and is thinking of putting some clothes on
What does that mean Sire?
By Lady Godiva at 19:15 17 Mar 2011
Is Mark Lowton a real person? Or is he a mere figleaf of our imaginations?
Liken him unto God Sire. What does it matter in the great scheme of things?
Who gives a flyijng f***
By Lady Godiva at 19:18 17 Mar 2011
Look back at the previous caption. You just said figyleaf didn't you?
Don't worry Sire. There are not many readers here so no-one will notice.
Don't know!
By Lady Godiva at 19:19 17 Mar 2011
Are you as confused as I am about in which order to read these captions.
Oh gimee a freaking break. It's so easy.First or Previous. What's the problem?
Yup!
By Lady Godiva at 19:26 17 Mar 2011
Where is Bureau? I miss him so much. Is he coming back at all?
Sounds painful. I just hope he's here reading this crap.
Said he'd Snippet I think.
By Lady Godiva at 19:28 17 Mar 2011
Bureau IS still around you bloody idiot. Do you EVER check in at The Spoof.com
Oh my gawd. If Bureau is reading this, please forgive the frigging Heckler.
Well, no, coz I'm always HERE
By Lady Godiva at 19:32 17 Mar 2011
Right, so... We take the walls out here... and here.
Don't behead me but... we could use the front door, Sire?
With giant trebuchets, Sire!
By Inhopeless at 20:24 17 Mar 2011
One day a palace of this plan will be in every city of the known World
You'd need an awful lot of Masons to achieve that sire
let me through I'm an apron maker
By Lynton at 12:13 18 Mar 2011
Look will you stop going on about your baby I'm trying to build a temple here!
He's ok he's on the level
Shake my hand and I'l prove it
By Lynton at 12:16 18 Mar 2011
God you look really haggard
Get out King Solomon's Mine
Well I'm a rider sire
By Lynton at 12:18 18 Mar 2011
well if you know more about this game than me you play him
You think you have the monopoly of righteousness
Temple station isn't on the board
By Lynton at 12:21 18 Mar 2011
You know I HATE chocolates yet you keep giving me them as gifts. Are you a moron
His Royal Haughtiness is talking to the fella in the blue outfit you dozy git.
No, apparently I'm a Heckler.
By Lady Godiva at 16:32 18 Mar 2011
I'm planning on entering this in this year's Science Fair. What do you think?
Just give the Heckler my bleeding job and have done with it. I'm pissed off.
Beats bloody volcanoes anytime.
By Lady Godiva at 16:35 18 Mar 2011
Can you do this in red granite? It's rather delightful.
(Whispering)...Humour the King you doofus. Paint a green granite one red.
No! There's no RED granite around.
By Lady Godiva at 16:38 18 Mar 2011
And you say this is as unique piece from the Ming Dynasty? Circa something .....
Time to have your HEARING checked Your Royal Farting Doofus.
No, from Wal Mart. They've got lots
By Lady Godiva at 16:41 18 Mar 2011
I'll take 8. One in each colour of the rainbow.
(Whisper) Oh gawd...stick a pink one in...his Royal Gayness will just LOVE it.
Ony 7 colours in a rainbow Sire
By Lady Godiva at 16:43 18 Mar 2011
It seems you're all looking at me-but on close examination-you are not.
It was the artist sire. The end of his horsehair brush has a kink in the end.
Well it isn't MY fault this time.
By Lady Godiva at 18:41 18 Mar 2011
1. This thing will NEVER fly! /4. Shut up. He's better looking than you.
3. Sire..why the hell do you keep that idiot around?
2. It will if you throw it!
By Lady Godiva at 20:17 18 Mar 2011
I MUST message Mark ASAP because Lady G. is fading -trying to keep this going.
Cheeky sod! She is looking as fantastic as ususal but is just a bit tired.
Yup. She is looking worse for wear
By Lady Godiva at 01:57 19 Mar 2011
I am going to messsage Mark. Putting this on Lady Gs shoulders is cruel.
They are all busy trying to rack up points. SHE just wants to have fun.
So where are all the others sire
By Lady Godiva at 02:04 19 Mar 2011
Bring Lady G. to me. She needs to be honoured for putting up with so many pricks
Shit! It looks like she has buggered up her freaking keyboard again.
Does that include YOU Sire�
By Lady Godiva at 02:09 19 Mar 2011
Do you morons realize that if Lady G. wasn't around-we'd not exist? Well a bit.
Well, if MY opinion counts..I think Mark should give her 50,000 points.
Woopdee-do. So freaking what?
By Lady Godiva at 03:28 19 Mar 2011
I really do think we should talk about other writers than Lady G.
Coz..you freaking moron...the other writers will black ball her even if...well..
Why the hell should we?
By Lady Godiva at 03:32 19 Mar 2011
This is the craziest popcorn maker that I have ever come across.
Well, for starters, where the hell is the butter supposed to be administered?
How come?
By Lady Godiva at 03:34 19 Mar 2011
Goldfish? Goldfish? Justin Bieber and frigging socks? What's going on here?
Christ! Can't you get hecklers with even a partial brain your Royal Personage?
Just been reading Spoof stories Sir
By Lady Godiva at 03:41 19 Mar 2011
This credit card will never fit into my wallet.
Sheesh! He never ceases to amaze.
I'm working on a new wallet sire.
By Lady Godiva at 12:57 19 Mar 2011
I've only just realized I'm sitting on a throne. I thought I was standing up.
Well, we could be standing in holes...but I've just noticed the throne too.
That would make us all pretty short
By Lady Godiva at 13:01 19 Mar 2011
Would you please keep you opinions to yourself. You are so annoying.Push off!
`Tis true your Highness. It is in the contract you signed with Mr. Lowton.
I am an eckler. That is my job.
By Lady Godiva at 14:12 19 Mar 2011
I don`t give a fiddler`s fart what your job description is. Shut your gob!
Don`t push your luck Heckler. He`s getting to the end of his rope now.
Shan`t. YOU can`t make me.
By Lady Godiva at 14:15 19 Mar 2011
I asked for a SYMMETRICAL puzzle you numbskull!
It`s BOTH depending on which way you look at it. Line of symmetry and all that!
I thought you said ASYMMETRICAL sir
By Lady Godiva at 16:09 19 Mar 2011
52 of these are going to be difficult to shuffle. Can you make smaller ones?
He was never any good at ratios in school. Probably multiplied stead of dividing
Hm! I'll try!
By Lady Godiva at 21:47 19 Mar 2011
Does this 'glow in the dark' do you know? Have you tried it yet?
He's only just finished it sire. We'll take it outside later on and find out.
We'll have to wait till it's dark.
By Lady Godiva at 21:50 19 Mar 2011
Lady Godiva is looking a bit peed off lately. I wonder why.
Maybe it's us. Time for our annual bath boys. Like it or not.
She's lonely. No-one's visiting us
By Lady Godiva at 12:48 20 Mar 2011
The Spoofers appear to have preferred the two talking cows to us.
If Mark gets wind on this, we'll be off this page quicker than he uploaded us.
Tasted great barbecued too.
By Lady Godiva at 12:49 20 Mar 2011
I've just heard Lady G. has been admitted to The Priory Clinic. What happened?
It was only a matter of time. Her imaginary Spoof pals deserted her. Poof! Gone!
Overdose of Caption Comp. entries.
By Lady Godiva at 13:03 20 Mar 2011
Hey look, this guy has just invented the piano accordian
Who-oo-oo-oo-oo-oh Barbara, Barbara, Barbara Streisand
give us a tune then
By churchmouse at 21:19 20 Mar 2011
Send a message of thanks to Churchmouse for stepping up to the plate.
It means he's the only Spoofer who's come to help Lady G.Unless it's coincidence
What does that mean Sire?
By Lady Godiva at 23:30 20 Mar 2011
I've just heard from the Priory Clinic that Lady G. is now writing for The Onion
Well, Spoofers let her down. She's desperate to write somewhere.
Get out ! She's not THAT good.
By Lady Godiva at 03:23 21 Mar 2011
Where oh where have the Spoof Writers gone?Oh where oh where can they be? SONG!
Oh where, Oh where can they be. Come on and continue the 'sing song' lighten up.
With noses stuck up YOU know where.
By Lady Godiva at 03:41 21 Mar 2011
Does anyone know if Mark is checking in on this Caption Competion at all?
Ignore him -he thinks the new Spoofer ME is actually Mark. No proof yet though.
No sire, he is too busy with ME.
By Lady Godiva at 03:50 21 Mar 2011
Another day - another caption....
Stop whining.....you are not the only one!
I'm bored!
By Lady Godiva at 11:19 21 Mar 2011
Start packing. I don't think we're going to be around here much longer.
People are sick of looking at us apparently. They want the cows back.
Why's that sire?
By Lady Godiva at 12:46 21 Mar 2011
I'm afraid I really don't know what to do with my new video gaming console.....
Try powering it up, you twat - and raise my derisory wages while you're at it!
Not a clue, not a fucking clue.
By attilathehungry at 13:43 21 Mar 2011
What did you just say to me you moron? It sounded like King Solomon is a moron.
He only has a set number of Heckling phrases up his sleeve and that's one of 'em
I did say that! It's my job sire.
By Lady Godiva at 16:41 21 Mar 2011
What are you griping about now? It's always something. Moan, moan, moan!
Tough titty. You'll have to wait till Mark gets around to switching captions.
I need to go to the toilet.
By Lady Godiva at 19:33 21 Mar 2011
This is the latest invention in the IT world!
Wow - no kidding
Can I get a gay pal with that?
By j.w. at 20:53 21 Mar 2011
Did that nice Doctor Who chappy leave this when he departed for Mesopotamia?
No, your Royalness, it's the double pepperami that just arrived from Domino's
I can't stand this - I'm leaving!
By attilathehungry at 20:59 21 Mar 2011
I bet we look like a right bunch of plonkers, frozen in time with silly beards.
Speaking personally, I think MY beard is quite easily the finest specimin here.
Gawd - he's got it right for once!
By attilathehungry at 21:06 21 Mar 2011
This is a disaster. How am I supposed to play bagatelle with no balls?
Shut it, Atkinson.
Well, you're a King with no balls..
By Erskin Quint at 22:57 21 Mar 2011
What do you mean 442 is no good against the Philistines?
Its a piece of piss with David in the centre and Absolom in goal
Have you seen the size of Goliath?
By Lynton at 22:58 21 Mar 2011
Why are we still waiting to start work on the Brazen Sea?
You idiot Robinson - it's supposed to be made of brass
You can't get the wood these days
By Erskin Quint at 23:02 21 Mar 2011
Come on for fuck's sake, Eastenders has started
Don't listen to that idiot Sire, he hasn't even got a telly
Just press play and record together
By Erskin Quint at 23:05 21 Mar 2011
Anybody for naan bread?
Whose idea was it to fetch that wassock
Cod an chips for me
By Erskin Quint at 23:06 21 Mar 2011
It's my song so I'll bloody sing it
My spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof
I just said something stinks
By Lynton at 23:07 21 Mar 2011
Seems like a nice boy!
Lovely helmet too duckie!
Ooh what a long spear!
By Erskin Quint at 23:09 21 Mar 2011
Somebody must have had an extra sambuca
Why is it always us has to sort the bloody bill
Well it wasn't us
By Erskin Quint at 23:12 21 Mar 2011
He says he's a first footer
Talk about a tall dark stranger duckie!
Ooh I bet he's at least a foot
By Erskin Quint at 23:13 21 Mar 2011
One across 'single gent' 7 letters?
Nothing wrong with the JewishChronicle
Sorry sire I prefer the Mail Xword
By Lynton at 23:14 21 Mar 2011
All right, Atkinson, let them all back in, the alarm's reset
You're bloody useless Atkinson
Were they supposed to go out then?
By Erskin Quint at 23:17 21 Mar 2011
OK, what am I bid for this lovely piece?
Oh shut up you big ponce
The boy with the blue helmet?
By Erskin Quint at 23:19 21 Mar 2011
Come on for fuck's sake, what's the fuckin fire alarm code?
Shut up you big jessy Atkinson man!
We're done for, we're done for!
By Erskin Quint at 23:21 21 Mar 2011
...and all I have to do is click on the menu to...
Oh grow up Atkinson man.
I'll have egg and chips!
By Erskin Quint at 23:22 21 Mar 2011
I don't think we want dates this year do we lads?
Bollocks man, they always get left
You have to have dates at Crimbo!
By Erskin Quint at 23:23 21 Mar 2011
Well, Captain Cuttle, that's a handsome fisherman's helmet you have there
You're an uncouth get Atkinson sometimes.
It's a queer colour though man!
By Erskin Quint at 23:26 21 Mar 2011
Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.
Howay man Atkinson man shut up, this is the Bible man!
Leave him alone you poof
By Erskin Quint at 23:29 21 Mar 2011
thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.
Shut up man and listen
What, Fiery Jack?
By Erskin Quint at 23:31 21 Mar 2011
Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun has looked upon me
Be quiet you fool, this is the Song of Solomon
Not the bloody Benidorm snaps again
By Erskin Quint at 23:33 21 Mar 2011
I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem
It's poetry you twat Atkinson
He's not gettin near my daughters
By Erskin Quint at 23:34 21 Mar 2011
While theKing sitteth at histable,my spikenard sendeth forth the smell thereof
Youre a bloody philistine you are Atkinson
Some bugger open a window
By Erskin Quint at 23:37 21 Mar 2011
By night on my bed I sought him whom my soul loveth:
It's bleedin poetic imagery you soft get
Bent as a nine bob note
By Erskin Quint at 23:40 21 Mar 2011
King Solomon made himself a chariot of the wood of Lebanon.
I'm warnin you Atkinson man
Used to hev a shootin brake mesell
By Erskin Quint at 23:42 21 Mar 2011
King Solomon made himself a chariot of the wood of Lebanon.
That's it Atkinson, you're barred.
I'm a Ford man, me
By Erskin Quint at 23:43 21 Mar 2011
And the winner of helmet of the year is - Captain Hogwash there
This soldier's got a lovely big helmet
It's like a dog's dinner man
By Erskin Quint at 23:47 21 Mar 2011
Ready the Great Hall for the most WONDEROUS Feast - We must celebrate!
Many Spoof Writers have come to aide Lady. G. here in the Competition Competion.
What are we celebrating sire?
By Lady Godiva at 00:38 22 Mar 2011
This is the most depraved object I have seen in years. Depauchary indeed!
It's always in the King' s mind. His mind is always in the gutter. Dirty sod.
Debauchary is in the mind.
By Lady Godiva at 16:24 22 Mar 2011
So our usual Father Christmas can't make it
It's Father Christmas we want not the fairy for the tree
Don't look at me
By Erskin Quint at 19:58 22 Mar 2011
And thus I propose to levy a beard tax
Shut up Atkinson you tool
Pointy beards only I hope!
By Erskin Quint at 20:00 22 Mar 2011
Fuck, they reckon wireless is down everywhere
They're gettin restless, better use the slides
Where's the warm-up man then?
By Erskin Quint at 20:02 22 Mar 2011
And thus I anticipate the shortfall to be met by the pomegranate tax
It's a rough crowd this, Sire
Keep yer hands off me pomigrenits!
By Erskin Quint at 20:05 22 Mar 2011
...while the coloured robes tax will afford a revenue of...
They're getting nasty Sire, best mention the new Council brothels
Why nut tax oor drawers as weel?
By Erskin Quint at 20:09 22 Mar 2011
We propose to install Council-funded brothel facilities in each township
Didn't work Sire, they're as thick as pig shit, these
Wer can mek wur own soup like man
By Erskin Quint at 20:12 22 Mar 2011
With our Encyclopedia, you have the whole world at your fingertips
Thick as fuck these shepherds Sire
Wurv alredy got a bike man
By Erskin Quint at 20:15 22 Mar 2011
The Solomon Electronic Encyclopaedia will...
Your casting your pearls among swine in this shithole, Sire
Wur divvent want nee pedifiles man!
By Erskin Quint at 20:18 22 Mar 2011
But this is one of the finest a la carte menus in Jerusalem
Whose idea was it to fetch that plonker?
My steak wis pullin t'cart yustider
By Erskin Quint at 20:23 22 Mar 2011
So a couple of bottles of the Puligny Montrachet?
Shut up you wooden bastard Atkinson
Howay man, ll'hev a bottle o dog
By Erskin Quint at 20:27 22 Mar 2011
So it's the Barolo then?
Somebody shut that sap-heed up
Eh? Wurl nivver doon a whole berrel
By Erskin Quint at 20:30 22 Mar 2011
Ok, now it's time for some lovely stylophone music. Any requests?
This is the last time we play Bradford City Hall
Aye, shove it up thee backside
By Erskin Quint at 20:44 22 Mar 2011
And then, by navigating back to the toolbar...
We're wasting our time here, Sire, with these swineherds
It's thee that's t'tool lad
By Erskin Quint at 20:47 22 Mar 2011
A Spoofer named Erskin has arrived. Three cheers for that man!
Don't worry Sire. He's just become really attached to Lady Godiva. Like a wart!
No! I refuse to cheer for HIM.
By Lady Godiva at 01:05 23 Mar 2011
Erskin...hmm! I've heard good things about this Spoofer. Hope he hangs around.
Dozy bloody git....so that Lady G. can have a break until the next caption comp.
Why sire! What good is HE?
By Lady Godiva at 01:40 23 Mar 2011
Send a message to Erskin telling him his gallantry is much appreciated.
Sod off Heckler
'gallantry' is
By Lady Godiva at 01:43 23 Mar 2011
Send a message to Erskin telling him his gallantry is much appreciated.
Eff off Heckler! Can you even READ? I bloody doubt it you stupid git. Who cares?
Gallantry is spelled wrong isn't it
By Lady Godiva at 01:46 23 Mar 2011
Does Gale in Corrie get charged with murder of her husband or what?
Oh yeah! And for us in other countries to find out in 10 months time.
That's for me to know Sire.
By Lady Godiva at 01:48 23 Mar 2011
Did you just fart again? I think so..because yours have a distinctive pong.
I know what he means coz your farts stink of green veggies and YOU are a vegan.
What d'you mean-distinctive pong?
By Lady Godiva at 02:23 23 Mar 2011
If you heckle me just once more when I am speaking to my advisors you'll be.....
No he can't - That's why he hires US and I am the BEST. Hence my title...duh!
Be what? Can't YOU make a decision?
By Lady Godiva at 02:27 23 Mar 2011
Hey you! The one without a hat....how the hell did you get into this private do?
Your Highness, I warned you about hiring Chavs as freaking guards. Listen please
All guards are bladdered sire.
By Lady Godiva at 02:47 23 Mar 2011
You there - flatulent peasant! You've shit yourself unless I'm much mistaken!
How dare you, you blaggard. I had a good clearout this morning after breakfast!
Twas not me, twas your advisor, sir
By attilathehungry at 20:13 23 Mar 2011
I absolutely missed Lady G. today. Do you know what the hell happened?
Sire! Bad weather....internet server down. She phoned and said letter in mail
Ask your bloody Advisor.
By Lady Godiva at 01:47 24 Mar 2011
Send golden gift immediately to Spoof writer Lady Godiva . She deserves it.
Heckler, piss off. She's hung in here when others deserted us. She's earned it.
You're bloody joking aren't you?
By Lady Godiva at 02:33 24 Mar 2011
Pure gold, you say?
If by gold, you mean gold painted, then yeah.
Yes, sire.
By Inhopeless at 22:16 24 Mar 2011
An the screen is like so cool. And ma homey mail a pic of his girls tits n tha
Sweeeet!! Bitchin !!
But shes a right minga n that like.
By Dirk Scare-Monger at 12:05 25 Mar 2011
Pac-Man !!! With a million bloody Apps to choose from you bring me Pac-Man !!!
Your ITunes account is buggered up Sire. We could only download the freebees
There's no pleasing some people.
By Dirk Scare-Monger at 12:31 25 Mar 2011
Cheap Bastard!! I put that in for the Christmas raffle last year.
And you had been wearing them for a month.
But you did only send him socks
By Dirk Scare-Monger at 14:46 25 Mar 2011
"And King Solomon didst cry SOD IT! I'M OFF TO THE PUB" Are you taking the piss?
I knew hiring Brian Blessed was a mistake.
First draft... Work in progress...
By Dirk Scare-Monger at 15:11 25 Mar 2011
And this vdeo pocker devise will fund all the requirments of the kingdome
Revenues will increase twofold.
Yea, but where do you plug it in.
By C. Cranium at 02:13 26 Mar 2011
Okay. WHO PUT THE DOG TURD ON MY THRONE?! It's not funny you know, it's childish
This means war! Twas most likely an Assyrian spy. They're a juvenile bunch m'lud
Not me boss. I don't even own a dog
By attilathehungry at 10:47 26 Mar 2011
I demand to be heard but I don't know what I am going to say yet.
Sire, as your Royal Advisor and SpeechWriter I advise you to read your notes.
Call yourself a freaking 'leader'?
By Lady Godiva at 17:34 26 Mar 2011
Have chocolate ice-cream bars been invented yet? If not..go forth and do it.
I have it all in hand sire. A serf named 'Walls' is working on it as we speak.
Sire, I am only a heckler.
By Lady Godiva at 17:36 26 Mar 2011
Why do you have a face like the back of a donkey with scabies?
Oh my God! Are you EVER going to regret saying that you stupid git.
Coz I wanted to look like YOU sire.
By Lady Godiva at 17:37 26 Mar 2011
Bring me my staff of burnished gold. Bring me my arrows of f**k what's the rest?
Sod off you runt. You are supposed to be heckling NOT commenting.
Language sire! Language!
By Lady Godiva at 17:43 26 Mar 2011
How many tickets have we sold to this 'Christians v Lions' Gig?
Sire, we've sold enough to buy two tickets to the next Justin Bieber concert.
Why look at me? Nowt t'do wi' me!
By Lady Godiva at 03:58 27 Mar 2011
Have the CTV cameras been installed in the arena as I requested?
Cheeky sod! Yes sire! We are just awaiting the invention of electricity.
Not MY problem. Ask Advisor git.
By Lady Godiva at 04:01 27 Mar 2011
Is this calculator solar powered or what?
Stupid bugger. We HAVE the sun but batteries haven't been invented yet.
Erm! No sire. It needs batteries.
By Lady Godiva at 04:07 27 Mar 2011
Isn't it amazing what slaves can design with our left-overs? Recycling works.
He bloody well just DID say it you idiot. This slave is a marvel. We'll keep him
If you say sire! If you say so!
By Lady Godiva at 04:11 27 Mar 2011
Heckler...is your name Nicholas perchance?
Coz Nicholas ladies should not climb trees!
Why yes sire it is. Why?
By Lady Godiva at 04:19 27 Mar 2011
Qu'est-ce que c'est?
Bloodly well stop showing off the pair off you. You're like little enfants.
Je ne sais pas!
By Lady Godiva at 19:05 27 Mar 2011
That's a bloody big salt shaker at my right elbow. Wow!
You ought to see the size of the pepper mill that came with it. Wow indeed!
Pure gold too!
By Lady Godiva at 19:07 27 Mar 2011
Bring Lady Godiva to me and make haste Heckler. I must know what she looks like
Just go and fetch her. Beauty is in the eye of he beholder and he is half blind.
You will be sorely disappointed
By Lady Godiva at 00:31 28 Mar 2011
Forsooth, forthwith and forethkin,why dotht no-one have inthtructionth for thith
Thtop teckin the Mick and answereth with the truth or thomething like it.Chritht
Lotht in the potht.
By Lady Godiva at 00:35 28 Mar 2011
I hate pantomime rehearsals. The "Wisdom of Solomon" is it? What a load of crap
I only have a walk-on part which is bloody degrading for a man of my importance
For once we are in total agreement
By attilathehungry at 06:04 28 Mar 2011
I've mislaid my hearing aid. Did you say Fukushima or "Fuck the Queen of Sheba?"
Twould not be wise at your age, sire. That queen's a raving nymphomaniac
You've got no chance with her, pal
By attilathehungry at 06:36 28 Mar 2011
You must have queued for hours for this new i-Tablet
It's available from Starphone Whorehouse my liege
I'm sticking with hammer and chisel
By Steddyeddy at 12:36 28 Mar 2011
1.I hope it comes with instructions
2. Unfortunately it does not your majesty
3. It's back to the draughts then
By Tommy Twinkle at 13:30 28 Mar 2011
I bought you this for your birthday on FRIDAY!!
Everybody knows it's APRIL FOOL'S DAY!!
How do you know it's my birthday???
By IN SEINE at 14:44 28 Mar 2011
I bought you this for your birthday on FRIDAY!!
Nobody knows - even though you can see it, it's supposed to be a surprise!!
What is it?
By IN SEINE at 14:57 28 Mar 2011
Do you think Mark Lowton will make us into a new caption competition on Friday?
If we pray hard enough I think he could be persuaded to, Sire
Then I could have a quiet birthday
By IN SEINE at 15:05 28 Mar 2011
Why doesn't Mr Lowton do a ONE-DAY-ONLY caption competition?
Interesting idea Sire I hope it's on Friday because Lady G washes her hair then
It's my birthday on Friday!!
By IN SEINE at 15:14 28 Mar 2011
Sorry to disappoint you but Lady.G's leaving her hair washing till Saturday!
Damn! She'll be in here with fingers flying, unless we're gone by then.
Good! I hope she bakes me a cake.
By Lady Godiva at 17:04 28 Mar 2011
I bet she's already got one in the oven
Of course it will be a FRUITCAKE to match your personality!
She'd better not forget the NUTS!
By IN SEINE at 17:22 28 Mar 2011
OIF2Sniper has written a new spoof!!
Tis I think a little tasteless, but he's known for it.
The caption pic is a dead ringer!!
By OIF2Sniper at 17:22 28 Mar 2011
Yes , we get it, can someone please approve his spoof quickly?
OIF2Sniper is sooooo hot!!!
Get it ? dead ringer!!! lol!!
By OIF2Sniper at 17:25 28 Mar 2011
I bet Lady G. makes you one of those biscuit cakes that Prince Williams ordered.
Yeah! He'll have started a new fad with that cake. Every bride will want one now
Ooh. I hope so.Covered in chocolate
By Lady Godiva at 20:36 28 Mar 2011
No cake for me Lady G....(bet you didn't know I was a poet) I am diabetic though
You probably thought diabetic was a Welshman wth a gambling problem!
Is it contagious?
By IN SEINE at 21:23 28 Mar 2011
You Can't have your cake and eat it!
Now your learning wisdom from a king who is the wisest of all time!
I'll have yours then!!
By IN SEINE at 21:29 28 Mar 2011
1.At last my very own mobile.Now my friends can call me from all over the world
2.Methinks it will be used often then your majesty
3.Rubbish- everyone hates his guts!
By Tommy Twinkle at 21:53 28 Mar 2011
You can't always get what you want and no pudding before your meat!
Thus say's the king!!
Wait, didn't pink floyd.......
By OIF2Sniper at 21:53 28 Mar 2011
OIF2Sniper has written a new spoof, yet it has yet to be approved!!
He's losing valuable time, noone will google his tags if it be any longer!!
It's been over 12 hours!!!!
By OIF2Sniper at 08:41 29 Mar 2011
So you see, when the wing cut's, you screen up to the top of the key.
Just run the damn play Kobe.
But I want to shoot.!
By OIF2Sniper at 08:59 29 Mar 2011
The royal calender.
Mark seems to think so.
It's april already?
By OIF2Sniper at 09:00 29 Mar 2011
The blackman has a spear, yes and yes he is holding the tablet too.
No , he's multi-talented.
thats racist your majesty.
By OIF2Sniper at 09:08 29 Mar 2011
The blackman has a spear, yes and yes he is holding the tablet too.
Even the spoof is bound by equal opportunity laws.
thats racist your majesty.
By OIF2Sniper at 09:11 29 Mar 2011
OK...he's not black - he is brown. We're not white - we are shades of pink.
For crying out loud, do you think they'll be discussing this in the yr. 2010?
Well that's much better.
By Lady Godiva at 15:49 29 Mar 2011
Did they ever find that naked man who was abducted in Toronto or what?
Yes. There's a huge line-up at the local cop shop for witnesses to pick him out.
They found a few naked men.
By Lady Godiva at 15:54 29 Mar 2011
This coulored chap from Kleeneze wants to know if you would like to buy this?
It's a flat-pack bird cage, complete with budgie - and it's going CHEAP!!!
What is it?
By IN SEINE at 16:35 29 Mar 2011
This is 'amazing' a maze which mice can NEVER complete. They'll go crazy TRYING
Sod off you. The mice will commit suicide from madness -saving us killing them.
That's bloody cruel that is.
By Lady Godiva at 00:53 30 Mar 2011
1.Help-my foot's trapped.under a leg of the chair
2.Stand up your majesty so that the poor man's foot can be released
3Don't you tell our King what to do
By Tommy Twinkle at 13:11 30 Mar 2011
1.It gives correct answers to all questions
3.It takes a few hours to warm up!
2.Who'll write the 300th caption?
By Tommy Twinkle at 13:28 30 Mar 2011
My father killed my mothers husband and I'm their second child.
Your mother was quite a MILF.
Do you have need of a brother?
By OIF2Sniper at 14:18 30 Mar 2011
Does anyone here speak or read Zulu?
Not the time you peasant.
It's 0930z
By OIF2Sniper at 14:20 30 Mar 2011
this slate covers this mans groin!
Yes He's here to be a eunich.
Thats his groin sticking up there?
By OIF2Sniper at 14:23 30 Mar 2011
who invited a roman to early Israel?
The King ordered Romans so we have Romans.
Romans aren't due for a century.
By OIF2Sniper at 14:25 30 Mar 2011
I do believe I might be a representation of Jesus.
Oh trust me you don't want to be that rock.
Can I be Peter?
By OIF2Sniper at 14:28 30 Mar 2011
We have here a eunich, a Roman, A fisherman, saducee, pharisee and a zealot.
Yes, your quite right, you are Jesus.
I AM PETER!!
By OIF2Sniper at 14:31 30 Mar 2011
This means that those are crosses behind me.
But what does the tablet mean?
I AM PETER!
By OIF2Sniper at 14:32 30 Mar 2011
It means I have got to 300 before you, hahahaha!
OKAY!, your Peter!
I AM PETER!
By OIF2Sniper at 14:34 30 Mar 2011
This picture represents Jesus being the king of all peoples.
Thats why there is 6 people around him, 6 is the number of mankind.
But the tablet?
By OIF2Sniper at 14:36 30 Mar 2011
If I was Solomon, I would be wearing Purple, the color of kings and royalty.
But you are wearing Red, the color of sacrifice.
So I am officially Peter, right?
By OIF2Sniper at 14:38 30 Mar 2011
The tablet could be the Third temple.
Your definetly Peter, genious!
I'm still Peter, right?
By OIF2Sniper at 14:42 30 Mar 2011
1.Look what this idiot's brought me for my birthday.I asked for a large car
3.There's nothing wrong with my ears mate.He can buy his own bleedin' car!
2.He thought you said a large card
By Tommy Twinkle at 18:21 30 Mar 2011
Are we all before or after Jesus? I keep forgetting. Must be old age...
Who the hell cares in the big scheme of things. At least we're AFTER dinosaurs.
Don't ask me. I'm just a heckler.
By Lady Godiva at 19:45 30 Mar 2011
Don't you go rolling your eyes at me you cheeky bloody heckler.
Well if THAT isn't the stupidest thing I've heard today. To the dungeon with him
Well you say the stupidest things.
By Lady Godiva at 19:47 30 Mar 2011
You are a man of very few words I've noticed Mr. Heckler. How come?
And what you said just then to the King used up ALL 35 of your characters.
Coz Mark only gave me 35 characters
By Lady Godiva at 19:49 30 Mar 2011
What a miserable looking lot you are that surround me. I need a good laugh.
He's too busy with his tour and t.v. appearances at present. He can't fit us in.
Fetch in Charlie Sheen then.
By Lady Godiva at 19:51 30 Mar 2011
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white. OUCH! ?
I know the answer. A nun rolling down a hill and reaching bottom. That IS old.
Gawd! That's an old one sire.
By Lady Godiva at 19:55 30 Mar 2011
What's this I hear, Andrew Lloyd-Webber can never have sex again in his life?
That's bloody cruel. He's had more wives and children than you'll ever have.
With HIS face I'm not surprised.
By Lady Godiva at 20:33 30 Mar 2011
I heard treatment for prostate cancer can result in impotence.
Oh that's a bloody relief then but poor bloody Andrew Lloyd-Webber lives in 2011
No treatment invented yet sire.
By Lady Godiva at 20:35 30 Mar 2011
1.Is Obama going to London for the Royal Wedding?
3.April 29th is of course Save The Frogs Day in America.
2. No,he will be too busy to attend
By Tommy Twinkle at 10:53 31 Mar 2011
OK listen up. We're playing 4-4-2 as usual, with Moloch & Toloch up front . . .
Boloch can play in midfield and slip into the hole and go deep when he can
. . . But Boss - what about Boloch?
By Matt Maus at 19:42 31 Mar 2011
Anyone dares to play a prank on me just coz it's April Fool's Day-WILL be sorry.
Watch your language. Look that word up in a good dictionary and you'll be sorry!
Frigging spoil sport.
By Lady Godiva at 02:53 01 Apr 2011
What language are we supposed to be speaking here? I'm not English speaking.
Crikey! Everything is being 'translated' on Google Translate, morons! Poop!
You effin' well tell 'em sire.
By Lady Godiva at 02:55 01 Apr 2011
Did you read that Lady G. is in BIG trouble with the police in Ontariio?
Should visit the Discussion Forums more often then shouldn't you, you idiot?
Hell, NO I did not know that.
By Lady Godiva at 02:58 01 Apr 2011
Send as much support to Lady Godiva as we can muster. She is in deep do do.
Bloody hell. You soon changed your tune. You were in love with her yesterday.
That's her own freaking fault.
By Lady Godiva at 04:23 01 Apr 2011
This is the prototype copy of Playboy in Braille - for the blind
It's an orgy in a Toga party!
Can I see? Defeating the object!!
By IN SEINE at 08:54 01 Apr 2011
1.So Rebecca Black to star at this dinner and dance with Susan Boyle as support?
2.Ooooh, that order might not please Lady Godiva oh kingywingy.
3.Tough!
By Tommy Twinkle at 12:42 01 Apr 2011
1.It seems rather large for a headache tablet.
3.Yes, and with a little water to aid the swallowing of.
2.Try breaking it into two pieces
By Tommy Twinkle at 15:42 01 Apr 2011
What it's NOT a tablet? It's a bleeding SUPPOSITORY. NO WAY!
That's going to be difficulty Sire, what with your hemmohroids playing up.
Yes way!
By Lady Godiva at 19:57 01 Apr 2011
What? It's NOT a tablet? It's a bleeding SUPPOSITORY? No way!
Ooh! That's going to be painful sire what with your hemorrhoids playing up too.
Yes way!
By Lady Godiva at 20:00 01 Apr 2011
Heckler, shut your gob and take this with haste to Mark Lowton in the future.
No. He has no sense of humour and Mark will need this for a caption competition.
Are you jesting sire?
By Lady Godiva at 13:19 02 Apr 2011
Heckler can you get me another 99 of these by any chance?
He's builing a small deck outside the back door of the castle.
What the hell for?
By Lady Godiva at 13:20 02 Apr 2011
This tablet has recently been unearthed near the topiary edging the front lawn.
Don't be so uncouth you scabied, stinky street person. Chuck him out someone.
You mean, dug up from under a bush.
By Lady Godiva at 13:24 02 Apr 2011
3. Beecause beauty is in the of the beholder (so Lady G. tells me)
2. Why?
1. Does anyone have any bees???
By IN SEINE at 13:32 02 Apr 2011
We're level with the beasts of the field now.
Surely the end is nigh?
Pull the udder one!
By IN SEINE at 13:42 02 Apr 2011
Your descendants are going to make machine guns, centuries from now did you know
Oh NO, NO, NO - NOTE TO SELF: what are they called?
It must be Heckler & Koch
By IN SEINE at 13:54 02 Apr 2011
1.I want you to get this device through TSA security and onto the plane
3.Not if you have it in your mouth.They'll think you're smiling at them
2.It's too big.They'll notice it.
By Tommy Twinkle at 17:16 02 Apr 2011
This message has now been decoded and it appears to have been sent from Lady G.
So 'tis true sire. Lady G. has at last made contact with us. Heckler proves it
Right-and I've had sex with a camel
By Lady Godiva at 03:53 03 Apr 2011
1."Heckler, what's my pin number"
3."You don't seem to have grasped the purpose of pin numbers."
2."Five-seven-zero-two"
By Tommy Twinkle at 07:49 03 Apr 2011
1.About time too. A mobile ATM .cash dispenser.
2.We're the first bank to offer the mobile service'
3.My children already have one.ME.
By Tommy Twinkle at 08:09 03 Apr 2011
This is my new Dyson vaccum cleaner in flat pack form!
That should clear the royal courts of dirt & filth, Sire!
Gulp...I'll get me coat!
By IN SEINE at 19:29 03 Apr 2011
This food slicer does everything - or so the man at the market was telling us.
Shut it Heckler or Sire will test it out on your poxy face.
You don' arf get sucked in sire.
By Lady Godiva at 10:54 04 Apr 2011
2. I've got so many of them Heckler!
3. Yeah Heckler....surely you've heard of King Solomons Minds??
Why do you keep changing your mind?
By IN SEINE at 19:18 04 Apr 2011
2 "Fuck Off"
1 "Are you sure your not Jesus?"
3 "Burn him! Burn him!"
By armfeetandtoe at 20:47 04 Apr 2011
1.I'm banning beards.I have disposable razors for sale at ten quid each.
2.The scoundrel.That's why he took those razors off my hands for a penny each.
3.No sweat.I thought he said BEER!
By Tommy Twinkle at 21:47 04 Apr 2011
Something is amiss on this competition. Lady G. said some of hers are missing
Yes Sire. She does tend to be a bit 'loopy' at times but that's why she fits in
Teck no bleeding notice of that one
By Lady Godiva at 23:33 04 Apr 2011
Have any of you actually MET Lady G.? I hear she is a bloody CRACKER.
Yes. Most folk say she's a bloody CRACK POT. That's WHY she feels at home here.
Get your hearing checked Sire.
By Lady Godiva at 23:37 04 Apr 2011
Did you know this tablet is what we are supposed to be discussing?
You can't blame us Sire. Mark appears not to give a flying fart about us all.
Yeah! But we're getting bored!
By Lady Godiva at 23:41 04 Apr 2011
2).We will thank the Gods for their gift to us in prayers three times every day
1).A gift to our people from the sky Gods.It was seen as it fell to the sands.
3).It's a panel from a plane!
By Tommy Twinkle at 10:00 05 Apr 2011
2.They became caught up in a machine.
1.What happened to your other fingers ?
3.Caught with his hands in the till
By Tommy Twinkle at 12:33 05 Apr 2011
Mimicking Rothschld with his HAARP machine
Those nips'll wonder what hit them.
The Chinese never knew
By dgwest7 at 13:18 05 Apr 2011
1 "Are you sure your not Judas"
" Fukin Liar! Burn im! Burn Im!"
2 "Yeah, Honest"
By armfeetandtoe at 18:00 05 Apr 2011
Message says,there are a number of pissed of people over at The Spoof.
They won't. They're determined to 'stir it up' Bloody egotostocva; 'writers'.
Tell 'em to piss off!
By Lady Godiva at 00:38 06 Apr 2011
The most IMPORTANT Spoofers join in the fun of the Caption Competition you know.
Yup! REAL life is too short to be bickering and it's FUN in here.
I've realized that Sire.
By Lady Godiva at 00:41 06 Apr 2011
1.This portrait of me is an insult. The artist is a Cuban named Pablo.
3.He's a Spaniard. This Pablo's a Cuban who paints with a broom
2.Pablo Picasso? He's a Cubist.
By Tommy Twinkle at 09:50 06 Apr 2011
1. ...and in the border to bottom left I'd like some godetias
3.Increase the fluoride in that man's tea immediately!
2But I want to go to war
By Tommy Twinkle at 10:33 06 Apr 2011
When are you going to colour this in? It's boring.
That's a bloody lame excuse. You can borrow mine but don't break any.
Someone pinched me crayons.
By Lady Godiva at 11:04 06 Apr 2011
Could you pass this tablet please Heckler?
If he COULD 'pass' that tablet Sire, he'd be on stage.
Eh?
By Lady Godiva at 11:27 06 Apr 2011
I can tell the difference between an IPad and a laptop you twat
let's kick the shit out of him
I was only asking
By joe badtoe at 15:01 06 Apr 2011
Take this book of notes to Charlie Sheen. He needs all the help he can get.
True! He might learn something. He has a 'restricted' code of speech at present.
But that's a dictionary sire
By Lady Godiva at 17:15 06 Apr 2011
Any chance of a new caption competition? This one seems to have been here ages
No there isn't... it's been done to death now... Get the Charlie Sheen one up
There is plenty of mileage left yet
By Chris James at 17:15 06 Apr 2011
I've cracked the secret code!
So what does "Al Qaeda" mean, smarty pants!
All CIA DUH!
By Aspartame Boy at 05:50 08 May 2011
We're getting killed out there team. We must do better in the second half.
I'll go long to the end zone and somebody can throw me a hail Mary pass.
I should have gone with ESPN's pick
By Pariah at 01:06 13 May 2011
I'm the Burger King, I refuse to be upstaged by some clown. We need a plan.
Maybe if you marry the Dairy Queen you can join forces.
It would need to be a real Whopper
By Pariah at 01:10 13 May 2011
................................................... I am the defender of faiths
Sir, history may judge you as a philandering, bisexual murderer {�}
oh Diana!
By Bert Onassis at 06:45 23 May 2011
I'll have Sweet and Sour Chicken, Fried Rice and a portion of mushrooms
No, it's just the way his trousers hang
Prawn Crackers?
By Steddyeddy at 22:52 21 Nov 2012
This genelogical chart shows I'm descended from a basketball court!
Your Grace, tis true then your balls are royal.
Yeah! Davy sunk biggie in Bathy!
By Trinculoman at 04:17 30 Jan 2014
Hey Woz, I ask you for an iPad and you give me a piece of shit? You're fired!!
Aw c'mon Steve, give Woz a break. You have plenty of Jobs to spare.
Please, Steve. I need a job.
By Dick Sheerer at 06:08 11 Jun 2015
This computer you sold me has malware on it!!
I'll get the torture chamber ready, sire.
That's impossible! It's clean!!
By Al N. at 07:20 20 Dec 2016
Change this sentence to say "The wisest man in the WORLD."
So sorry sire. We just figured you considered the kingdom to be the whole world!
What's a WORLD???
By Al N. at 18:45 09 Feb 2017
What do you mean, this pattern for the hall? I wouldn't put this in the shitter!
You are wise, oh great king. But this pattern was 50% off until Wednesday.
It looks like crap all right!
By Al N. at 01:08 14 Aug 2017
What do you want on your baby half?
I had mushrooms yesterday. How about anchovies?
Ok ok. You can have the kid already
By Aspartame Boy at 02:42 06 Apr 2018
Ok, this guy said he's invented a "computer". What good is it?
I'm afraid sire that all we can get is dial-up.
Not much. Can you surf the net?
By Al N. at 23:29 06 Jan 2019

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