Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Topics: Horse

Saturday, 3 September 2011

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Is your horse a Mr Hands worshipper?

A small cult of horses have begun to worship a horse messiah, who in their eyes is a man who worked in the horse-pleasuring industry and who died for his sins.

Mr Hands is a disgusting man who, let us say, enjoyed the company of horses, perhaps a little too much, to the extent that he died of internal injuries caused by a horse. Yet Mr Hands died doing what he loved - being penetrated by an animal - however unbecoming that may seem. Mr Hands is now a Jesus figure to horses everywhere.

Horses have begun collecting Mr Hands statues, and figurines in the shape of a man being mounted by a horse. The cult has become widespread, and some horse races have even had to be cancelled because they fall on "holy horse-man day", which is every second Thursday. Horses believe that Mr Hands was the son of god, sent to earth to save all horses - and also provide sexual favours to all equines.

Every year horses celebrate Mr Hands' birthday and death-day. On his birthday they decorate a tree with blinkers. On his death-day, they paint chicken bones and wait for the arrival of a magical badger, who collects all the chicken bones and builds a Mr Hands statue out of them.

As one jockey said, "Is it really any worse than any other religion you've heard of?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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